How to deal with FMIL???!

SKronick0823

She's driving me up a wall. Our wedding is 10 days away and for the past few months has been nothing but negative and rude. Few examples:

*When asked to get her side of the family's address and guest list put together she put her friends and coworkers on there and didn't include a single family member on my fiances side. (She is divorced and he is her only child)

*Any detail about the wedding I've given her it's responded to with remarks such as "Well why would you have it there?" "Outside? Really?" "You're really going to go with those colors?" "My dress was $200. You shouldn't spend more than that." 

*She calls my fiance almost daily to complain about how much we're spending on our wedding, ($10,000 is our budget) and informs him that we will be going into bankruptcy if he keeps "letting me take the reins". 

*Still asks frequently (10 days away from the wedding) Why we are having it at the location we have chosen and why don't we change it? 

*Bought me racy stripper-esq lingerie high heeled getup for my bridal shower which was casual and then threw a fit and isolated herself for the rest of the party when she felt she was overdressed and that I didn't give her gift enough attention, then leaving without saying a word to my mother or family.

The list can go on and on. She's controlling, selfish and trying to change our wedding plans as much as she can. I'm at my wits end with her and I'm almost getting cold feet at the thought of having to deal with her for the rest of her life. It's exhausting and my fiance just glazes over and tunes her out when she acts this way. Then defends her actions and doesn't want to cause conflict and stick up for me. 

I really don't know what to do about her or how to handle this. I'm not very good at conflict with people I'm uncomfortable with but at this point I want to punch her in the face lol. Sorry for the long rant I just needed to get some things off my chest and see if anyone has been in this position and can offer advice. Thanks and wish me luck!

[Deleted User]

Obviously no matter what you do she is going to find a problem with it. It looks like in your case you are not going to be very close to your FMIL. Cease all wedding talk with her completely. Change the subject if she brings it up. Don't share details with her, especially about the budget. If she's not helping financially then there's no reason for her to know anything about the budget. If she continues to be a pest, have your FI deal with her. She's his mother after all. You have better things to worry about. Just focus on your day and your soon to be husband! GL!

hvansaders

I think you should let it go like he does.  She clearly isnt going to be happy with anything and 10 days out you dont need the stress.  Zone her out and move on and be happy. 

Your FI alreayd knows to do this so follow his lead.  If you are happy with your plans and your parents and friends are excited for you then you have nothing to worry about.  Ignore her.  She is rude and probably has some deeper issue.  Who caresabout her, focus on your own happiness.

Maggie0829

Ignore, ignore, ignore.  This close to your wedding nothing will make her happy.  Stop talking to her about prices of things...if she is not paying then it really isn't any of her business.  If you and your FI are happy with your wedding plans then it doesn't matter what anyone says.  Just try to focus on the fact that you are marrying the man you love and will be celebrating with friends and family.  Don't let a crazy FMIL get you down.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_deal-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:c4fc881e-967a-4788-830a-1c35b4115813Post:659dcafb-fc0f-48c5-8841-8f18cc211d71">How to deal with FMIL???!</a>:
[QUOTE]She's driving me up a wall. Our wedding is 10 days away and for the past few months has been nothing but negative and rude. Few examples: *When asked to get her side of the family's address and guest list put together she put her friends and coworkers on there and didn't include a single family member on my fiances side. (She is divorced and he is her only child) *Any detail about the wedding I've given her it's responded to with remarks such as "Well why would you have it there?" "Outside? Really?" "You're really going to go with those colors?" "My dress was $200. You shouldn't spend more than that."  *She calls my fiance almost daily to complain about how much we're spending on our wedding, ($10,000 is our budget) and informs him that we will be going into bankruptcy if he keeps "letting me take the reins".  *Still asks frequently (10 days away from the wedding) Why we are having it at the location we have chosen and why don't we change it?  *Bought me racy stripper-esq lingerie high heeled getup for my bridal shower which was casual and then threw a fit and isolated herself for the rest of the party when she felt she was overdressed and that I didn't give her gift enough attention, then leaving without saying a word to my mother or family. The list can go on and on. She's controlling, selfish and trying to change our wedding plans as much as she can. I'm at my wits end with her and I'm almost getting cold feet at the thought of having to deal with her for the rest of her life.<strong> It's exhausting and my fiance just glazes over and tunes her out when she acts this way. Then defends her actions and doesn't want to cause conflict and stick up for me.  I</strong> really don't know what to do about her or how to handle this. I'm not very good at conflict with people I'm uncomfortable with but at this point I want to punch her in the face lol. Sorry for the long rant I just needed to get some things off my chest and see if anyone has been in this position and can offer advice. Thanks and wish me luck!
Posted by SKronick0823[/QUOTE]

Your FMIL isn't the problem here, cupcake. It's the little boy you're about to chain yourself to for the rest of your life.

None of this will change after the wedding -- he'll continue to put mommy ahead of you. Why on earth would you want to marry somebody who clearly doesn't care about you?

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_deal-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:c4fc881e-967a-4788-830a-1c35b4115813Post:aea9f18b-1abc-4379-8b2b-d5648429e11e">Re: How to deal with FMIL???!</a>:
[QUOTE] You will deal with this woman FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE. Decide if it's worth it.  It gets worse through the years, not better....especially if children are involved.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

And if you do decide it's worth it, just know that since you are fully aware that your FH will never put you ahead of his mother, once you recite those vows, you lose the right to complain about it ever again. You know what you're signing up for.

Kate61487

ditto PPs for the most part.  Ignore her comments, don't give her info she doesn't need, and realize that your future husbands behavior is likely not going to change.

I'd recommend the book "What Do You Want From Me?"  It's all about in-law relationships; why they're strained, how you can make them less strained, and it has lots of real life examples from people interviewed for the book.  It gives helpful advice about what topics to tackle, and how to tactfully improve the situation. 

palrmt

Your FI is your real problem here.  My father is one of those men who believe you should never argue with your mother.  His mother has treated my mom like crap for their entire marriage and did every thing in her power to stop it.  My mom learned a long time ago to just shut up and take it.  I love my dad and he is a great father.  That doesnt mean hes such a great husband to my mom.  My grandmother is also wonderful to me and my sister but that doesnt make her a good MIL to my mom. 

I can promise you this will never get better.  It will most certainly get worse.  When my parents had me and my sister, the controlling behaviour got worse.  They tried to dictate how we were raised.  Please ask yourself now if you think you can handle this for the rest of her life.  That is what you are facing.  If not, then you need to sit down and have a chat with your FI.  This is his mother and he needs to deal with her. 

joyfulhappy1

fun forest run.....ditto Future Husband is the problem

Aiobheann

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_deal-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:c4fc881e-967a-4788-830a-1c35b4115813Post:33cbf64f-20c1-4cd8-847e-2db50bdaf7f5">Re: How to deal with FMIL???!</a>:
[QUOTE] I'd recommend the book "What Do You Want From Me?"  It's all about in-law relationships; why they're strained, how you can make them less strained, and it has lots of real life examples from people interviewed for the book.  It gives helpful advice about what topics to tackle, and how to tactfully improve the situation. 
Posted by Kate61487[/QUOTE]

^This. I read this book, and it was very enlightening. You FI can change, but you have to demand the change. You don't have to make it a "you or them" thing. You need to tell him that it bothers you and that how you feel should be just as important to him as his mothers. 10 days before the wedding you need to look into yourself and decide if he is the man that you want to be with and you need to make sure that he will be willing to work on things where his family is concerned. This book is based on actual research in 2 countries and has lots of great information and real life examples. Your FI should read it too-probably more than you should.