In distress about FMIL now taking antidepressants

trisharrell

I dont know what to do.  When my FI and I got engaged last year we both agreed quite happily that we wanted a VERY small wedding.  Like maybe just me and him.  He even talked me into a drive thru wedding *we live in Vegas*  But even that would be a little out of our means and we waited until the time felt right and we had the money for a tea length dress and a nice suit for him and planed it for an early weekday to get a special and then have a nice lunch by ourselves at our favorite restaraunt.  No distractions, just me and him.  We were just going to get simple bands and later on add something when we had the money.  We let his parents know the date *my parents live in another state* and his mother says she wants to buy our rings as her gift.  The wedding at this point is 6 weeks out.  And total cost is less then 500 dollars.  We pick out rings, it doesnt come to much, my tastes are simple and I insist on buying FI ring for tradition sake.  

     Over the next two weeks she talks us into letting her plan a little party.  Which FMIL and FFIL insist they will pay for.  FI and I secretly plan to help as much as we can.  Then I am informed that people other then the close family would come to the ceramony so no more drive thru wedding.  I now have to buy a real dress total cost with alterations and veil 700 dollars.  And after much *polite* discussion I give in to letting my FI 3 neices and nephew and FI brothers be part of the bridal party so I now must include my 3 children which I was only leaving out for the sake of saving money.  The ceremony went from costing 200 to 550 for the chapel to accomodate the guests.  and the guest count is now over 150 people.  FMIL is footing most of the bill for the reception.  But this alone is costing me over 2000 with dresses invitations the chapel and who knows what else.  I dont make much money, after bills and expenses I have a little over 200 left every month for extras like clothes for my kids and treats like a movie and pizza.  I had a breakdown and told FI that I wanted to cancel the whole thing cuz I just couldnt afford it so his solution was to move it out 4 months to give me more time.  It helped a lot.

But now FMIL is insisting on choosing everything, from the dresses my flower girls wear *her grandchildren* to the decorations at the reception *let me just say our tastes are VERY different* She asks my opinion and we chose the flowr girl dresses and she put them on layaway but then canceled the layaway and informed me she was going to take them to another place and pick out the dresses.  I HATE everything she shows me.  But I cant seem unapreciative so instead I am just misserable.  I feel like I should just throw my hands up in the air and let her do what ever she wants and just show up that day and enjoy the party.  And not worry about all these other details except for the money it is costing me.  Even though it is something I didnt want in the first place.  It is all very depressing.  I dont know what to do.  Oh and FI?

He said he doesnt ask very much from me, but to please do this big wedding for his parents to make them happy.  And in responce to the dresses? Its just dresses.  Whats the big deal?  I started taking antidepressants 3 days ago

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_distress-fmil-now-taking-antidepressants?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c6363596-c082-4d0d-aa40-d5fd9594fc61Post:1e354d89-9463-4d7c-baf0-af1a11aabdab">In distress about FMIL now taking antidepressants</a>:
[QUOTE]I dont know what to do.  When my FI and I got engaged last year we both agreed quite happily that we wanted a VERY small wedding.  Like maybe just me and him.  He even talked me into a drive thru wedding *we live in Vegas*  But even that would be a little out of our means and we waited until the time felt right and we had the money for a tea length dress and a nice suit for him and planed it for an early weekday to get a special and then have a nice lunch by ourselves at our favorite restaraunt.  No distractions, just me and him.  We were just going to get simple bands and later on add something when we had the money.  We let his parents know the date *my parents live in another state* and his mother says she wants to buy our rings as her gift.  The wedding at this point is 6 weeks out.  And total cost is less then 500 dollars.  We pick out rings, it doesnt come to much, my tastes are simple and I insist on buying FI ring for tradition sake.        Over the next two weeks she talks us into letting her plan a little party.  Which FMIL and FFIL insist they will pay for.  FI and I secretly plan to help as much as we can.  Then I am informed that people other then the close family would come to the ceramony so no more drive thru wedding.  I now have to buy a real dress total cost with alterations and veil 700 dollars.  And after much *polite* discussion I give in to letting my FI 3 neices and nephew and FI brothers be part of the bridal party so I now must include my 3 children which I was only leaving out for the sake of saving money.  The ceremony went from costing 200 to 550 for the chapel to accomodate the guests.  and the guest count is now over 150 people.  FMIL is footing most of the bill for the reception.  But this alone is costing me over 2000 with dresses invitations the chapel and who knows what else.  I dont make much money, after bills and expenses I have a little over 200 left every month for extras like clothes for my kids and treats like a movie and pizza.  I had a breakdown and told FI that I wanted to cancel the whole thing cuz I just couldnt afford it so his solution was to move it out 4 months to give me more time.  It helped a lot. But now FMIL is insisting on choosing everything, from the dresses my flower girls wear *her grandchildren* to the decorations at the reception *let me just say our tastes are VERY different* She asks my opinion and we chose the flowr girl dresses and she put them on layaway but then canceled the layaway and informed me she was going to take them to another place and pick out the dresses.  I HATE everything she shows me.  But I cant seem unapreciative so instead I am just misserable.  I feel like I should just throw my hands up in the air and let her do what ever she wants and just show up that day and enjoy the party.  And not worry about all these other details except for the money it is costing me.  Even though it is something I didnt want in the first place.  It is all very depressing.  I dont know what to do.  <strong><u><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#ff0000">Oh and FI? He said he doesnt ask very much from me, but to please do this big wedding for his parents to make them happy.  And in responce to the dresses? Its just dresses.  Whats the big deal?  I started taking antidepressants 3 days ago</font></u></strong>
Posted by trisharrell[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This worries the heck out of me. Your FI should be DEFENDING YOUR DECISION in have a small wedding. Red flags if he is taking his mom's side because this WILL NOT CHANGE for the future. Plus the fact that you are actually taking drugs to get through this tell me you need to reconsider marriage all together (I know that sounds extreme but when you have to take meds for something like this I really worry).</div><div>
</div><div>What you need to do is have a serious talk with your FI about what YOU want for this wedding and the money it is now costing YOU to do what HIS mother wants. I usually say "who ever pays has the say" but in this situation you are now adjusting the ceremony money because of the reception. So you need to tell your FI needs to tell his mom that she needs to back off in trying to control the ceremony and focus on what SHE is paying for which is the reception. If she doesn't want to listen your FI needs to tell her that you two will go back to the original plan of just the two of you going to Vegas and getting married and go through with it if she still doesn't listen.</div><div>
</div>

Maggie0829

Um, wasn't your FI trying to talk you into a drive-thru wedding in Vegas prior to all this bruhaha?

Listen to PP.  Have a serious long talk with your FI about what you want in your wedding and how what is being planned just is not going to work for you.  I find it very disturbing that he was so gungho about eloping and then now since his mommy wants a big wedding he wants one too.

IMO, you should stick to your guns and do what you really want to do. 

artbyallie

I'm confused as to why you feel you have to do any of this. Your fiancé should be siding with you, not his mother, for one thing. If you let her get away with this now, what is she going to be like when (if) you have kids? Grow a backbone and put your foot down! Don't accept the money because it comes with enough strings for a puppet show.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_distress-fmil-now-taking-antidepressants?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:c6363596-c082-4d0d-aa40-d5fd9594fc61Post:1e354d89-9463-4d7c-baf0-af1a11aabdab">In distress about FMIL now taking antidepressants</a>:
[QUOTE]I dont know what to do.  When my FI and I got engaged last year we both agreed quite happily that we wanted a VERY small wedding.  Like maybe just me and him. <strong> He even talked me into a drive thru wedding</strong> *we live in Vegas*  But even that would be a little out of our means and we waited until the time felt right and we had the money for a tea length dress and a nice suit for him and planed it for an early weekday to get a special and then have a nice lunch by ourselves at our favorite restaraunt.  No distractions, just me and him.  We were just going to get simple bands and later on add something when we had the money.  We let his parents know the date *my parents live in another state* and his mother says she wants to buy our rings as her gift.  The wedding at this point is 6 weeks out.  And total cost is less then 500 dollars.  We pick out rings, it doesnt come to much, my tastes are simple and I insist on buying FI ring for tradition sake.        <strong>Over the next two weeks she talks us into letting her plan a little party.</strong>  Which FMIL and FFIL insist they will pay for.  FI and I secretly plan to help as much as we can.  <strong>Then I am informed that people other then the close family would come to the ceramony so no more drive thru wedding</strong>.  I now have to buy a real dress total cost with alterations and veil 700 dollars.  <strong>And after much *polite* discussion I give in</strong> to letting my FI 3 neices and nephew and FI brothers be part of the bridal party so I now must include my 3 children which I was only leaving out for the sake of saving money.  The ceremony went from costing 200 to 550 for the chapel to accomodate the guests.  and the guest count is now over 150 people.  FMIL is footing most of the bill for the reception.  But this alone is costing me over 2000 with dresses invitations the chapel and who knows what else.  I dont make much money, after bills and expenses I have a little over 200 left every month for extras like clothes for my kids and treats like a movie and pizza.  I had a breakdown and told FI that I wanted to cancel the whole thing cuz I just couldnt afford it so his solution was to move it out 4 months to give me more time.  It helped a lot. But now FMIL is insisting on choosing everything, from the dresses my flower girls wear *her grandchildren* to the decorations at the reception *let me just say our tastes are VERY different* She asks my opinion and we chose the flowr girl dresses and she put them on layaway but then canceled the layaway and informed me she was going to take them to another place and pick out the dresses.  I HATE everything she shows me.  But I cant seem unapreciative so instead I am just misserable.  I feel like I should just throw my hands up in the air and let her do what ever she wants and just show up that day and enjoy the party.  And not worry about all these other details except for the money it is costing me. <strong> Even though it is something I didnt want in the first place</strong>.  It is all very depressing.  I dont know what to do.  <strong>Oh and FI? He said he doesnt ask very much from me, but to please do this big wedding for his parents to make them happy.</strong>  And in responce to the dresses? Its just dresses.  Whats the big deal?  I started taking antidepressants 3 days ago
Posted by trisharrell[/QUOTE]

I think I see a pattern or two here.

I agree with the previous posters; you should be in distress about your FI not caring about your opinion or what you want. That's your real issue.

flower_diva

elope............. then your FMIL can just lan a reception to celebrate the marriage.

Muffin'sMom

You don't have a FMIL problem...you have a FI problem.  You need to address it now...it will only get worse.  I would take the advice of a PP and elope.  SHe can plan a party that SHE pays for later if that is what she wants to do.