mother in law taking over....

brannigan33

i need help!

my mom died 12 years ago & i am the oldest of 5 children. my dad has worked (and is still working) hard his entire life to make sure he is able to give us everything he can, he is doing one hell of a job! best dad i could ever ask for - he truly is my best friend! when i got engaged and we started to talk about the wedding we discussed what i consider a very reasonable budget - after all he is a single parent with 5 kids! but in the end i know he will do what ever he can to make me happy and make it the best day of my life!

my fiance on the other hand, is an only child. his mother is very very opionated and his dad just agrees with his mom. his mom has been very persistant since we got engaged that he HAS to get marred at st pauls cathedral (pittsburgh, pa) she said she has been paying to be a member there for the last 26 years so she could see "her son" get married there - needless to say, that is were the wedding is at - even though i want it at the church i grew up at - she had to get her way or else we would never hear the end of it, plus we agreed hoping she would "ease off"

recently we have been looking at reception places and due to our large familys, we will be inviting around 250 people so we are looking for some very nice places but with reasonable cost. today she showed me her guest list, her list alone is 175 people and she told me there is NO WAY she can cut out any of them. she is also very persistant about having the reception at a place where it is $150 PER PERSON! i told her there is no way we can do that & we are looking at other places, her response was "i dont care how much it costs, that is where I WANT IT" (like its her wedding!!!!!!) then i told her how much photographers, limos, flowers etc cost and she looked at me like i was nuts!!! then had the nerve to say she will not tip anyone! she wants to pay a forturne per person to have it where she wants it, yet wants to be cheap!!! the comment that really put me over the edge was she told me i should talk my aunt (who is like a mom) into buying me my dress and other stuff like that so it "frees up" some more of my dads money.

i feel like since my mom is not here, she is trying to take over, and she does not understand the word no, she doesnt care what we have to say or what my dad has to say, its ALL ABOUT HER!!!! i am trying to do the best i can to respect my dads (very generous) offer on a wedding budget (plus my fiance and i are paying for stuff two) but its like she thinks he should just pay out as much as he can which is so wrong and not far.

she is making me feel really bad & so stressed out, i am almost to the point where i want to call everything off and run away and get married! is there any polite way to tell her to "back off" and let us do the planning with out her & when we want her opinion well ask? any suggestions?!?

ElisabethJoanne

So, she's paying for at least part of this, right? If not, you just stop sharing your plans with her. When she volunteers suggestions, say you'll consider them. Also, she should not hear how much anyone else is contributing. So stop talking about how much things your dad is paying for cost.

Example: We really had trouble finding a caterer we liked. My future in-laws knew, and as their friends throw lots of catered parties, offered to make inquiries for us. It was a logical, if impolite question, when my future mother in-law asked about the catering budget. I stammered out something like, "I'd have to look at my notes" or "We got rough quotes and think it's adequate for what we're looking for." Luckily, she got the hint.

For what's she's paying for, she gets some say. You need to talk to your fiance about what areas those are. One is certainly the guest list to an extent. Then you have to decide what's important to you - a balance of your wishes, your parents' wishes, and keeping the peace. We incorporated some traditions that have 0 meaning to us that my future in-laws asked for and offered to pay for.

I find it's best if people can have discrete costs rather than paying "their share." So for one "side" to pay for the entire site and catering fees, but another the whole florist bill. Anything else gets hard to calculate. For example, an extra guest involves not just the per-head catering fees, but a share of the rentals costs and an invitation.

brannigan33

my future in laws will be paying for the rehersal dinner & the alochol at the reception. they have made it quite clear that the "brides family" it to pay for everything else. i have not discussed our budget with her because i dont think it is any of her business what my dad can afford, especially since they made it clear that it is "his responsibility" so i am not really sure why she thinks she gets all this authority on big decisions she is not financailly helping with?

like she already got "her way" with the church - is there an acceptable way to say "you can do what ever you want for the rehersal dinner, just tell us when and where to show up!, otherwise we can handle everything else"

she does not, has not, and never will take "no" for an answer... in a sense, she is IMPOSSIBLE to deal with / work with... as far as my fiance goes, no matter what he says to her, its still all about her, even he says she is impossible - they dont even talk that much for that exact reason! 

graysquirrel

If it were me, I might just book the things that I want and tell her that it is already done--there is nothing that she can really do excpet throw a temper tantrum. I think that the only way you can do this is to stop talking with her about this, period. Have your FI go to bat for you and tell his mom that the two of you are planning the wedding that you have always dreamed of and that you can afford. Do your best to keep things light and change the subject when she gets pissy. The best time to deal with this is now, otherwise, like pp said, she will keep on treading on you like Everybody Loves Raymond.

MairePoppy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-in-law-taking-over?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c886eadc-825a-4471-912e-15b9e3314cb6Post:8c067ee0-493e-492d-8ba5-1a36775aa2a0">Re: mother in law taking over....</a>:
[QUOTE] is there an acceptable way to say <strong>"you can do what ever you want for the rehersal dinner, just tell us when and where to show up!, otherwise we can handle everything else"</strong> Posted by brannigan33[/QUOTE]

You have worded it perfectly.

You and fi should go ahead and choose your reception venue. Then he should tell her that, since the bride's family is paying for everything for the reception, they get to plan it. He should tell his mother to  cut her list to X number of guests and turn it over to you by X date. If  need be, fi will cut the list for her. Otherwise, do not discuss the wedding details with her. If she brings it up, tell her you have a headache and must leave immediately. I have a feeling you're going to have many headaches.

Since you agreed to have the ceremony at her church, I hope she is paying for the church.

Your FMIL has a lot of nerve!

gailpete

Marie is right.  Plan the wedding you want  and can afford.  Tell her how many people she can inviite, based on your budget (not her complaining), and then leave it at that.  Also make sure your FI is with you on these discussions and decisions.

Good luck, she sounds like a piece of work.

kmmssg

What does FI think about his mother's demands?  Is he on board with you or with her?

nlindsay17

Her guest list is ridiculous especially if she is not paying. Tell her if she wants the place that charges $150 a person she can pay for it or mind her own business. Give her an amount of guests she can invite and a date you need it by or you and FI will do it yourself. Do not give in to her outrageous guest list since she is not paying for the caterer. Stop sharing the details with her! If she asks about something she is not paying for tell her you and your dad will make those decisions.
Best of luck!

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-in-law-taking-over?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:c886eadc-825a-4471-912e-15b9e3314cb6Post:8c067ee0-493e-492d-8ba5-1a36775aa2a0">Re: mother in law taking over....</a>:
[QUOTE]my future in laws will be paying for the rehersal dinner & the alochol at the reception. they have made it quite clear that the "brides family" it to pay for everything else. i have not discussed our budget with her because i dont think it is any of her business what my dad can afford, especially since they made it clear that it is "his responsibility" so i am not really sure why she thinks she gets all this authority on big decisions she is not financailly helping with? like she already got "her way" with the church - is there an acceptable way to say "you can do what ever you want for the rehersal dinner, just tell us when and where to show up!, otherwise we can handle everything else" she does not, has not, and never will take "no" for an answer... in a sense, she is IMPOSSIBLE to deal with / work with... as far as my fiance goes, no matter what he says to her, its still all about her, even he says she is impossible - they dont even talk that much for that exact reason! 
Posted by brannigan33[/QUOTE]

Are you and your FI kicking in any money? And where is he on this? He's the one who needs to be dealing with his mother, not you.

melb2013

Wow, I'm sorry you have to deal with this.  What a nutso.  

If she's not paying, then she doesn't get a say on where you have the wedding or how many people are invited.  She can give you her "wish list", but then you get to decide who you will invite.  You really need to stop sharing your plans with her.  

I'm glad that you and your FI are on the same page about his mother.  It's its job to stand up to her and put his foot down.  

SB1512

she is not paying so you can give her a guest limit.  she also has no say in the venue or the photographer, the dress you pick out, the flowers you use, etc etc.  She can make decisions about the RD but that's about it.  My FMIL was also encouraging me to look at places where plates were between $150 and $200, which to me is ridiculous regardless of what your budget is.  Tell her she is allowed X amount of guests (say for example 100).  If she still gives you a list of 175 remind her that the budget does not allow for that many and 75 people will need to be cut and if she can't do it, FI will.  If it's a case where FI doesn't know everyone on the guest list and couldn't tell you of the uknowns who should be invited send out invites to the first 100 people on the the list, everyone else gets cut. 

Kate61487

ditto PPs; lay it out and then stop discussing it with her.  And her guest list needs to be cut.  If she won't do it FI can, and if there are unknowns like SB suggested then all of them get cut.

I'd also be really tempted to cancel the church, too, but that just may be my pettiness.  If really truly the only reason she's been going to church for 26 years is for some pretty pictures at her son's wedding that's just ridiculous.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-in-law-taking-over?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:c886eadc-825a-4471-912e-15b9e3314cb6Post:07bfe11c-5e3a-494b-bc80-5767b31157a1">mother in law taking over....</a>:
[QUOTE] his mom has been very persistant since we got engaged that he HAS to get marred at st pauls cathedral (pittsburgh, pa) she said she has been paying to be a member there for the last 26 years so she could see "her son" get married there - <strong>needless to say, that is were the wedding is at - even though i want it at the church i grew up at - she had to get her way or else we would never hear the end of it, plus we agreed hoping she would "ease off"</strong> Posted by brannigan33[/QUOTE]

Honestly, this is where you made your first mistake.  Instead of putting your foot down in the beginning you allowed her to get her way, which then opened the door for her to continue to push and push until she gets exactly what she wants.  Since she is not paying for anything besides the alcohol you and your FI need to be strong and tell her no.

For the guest list, tell her she has X number of people that she can invite, no more and no less, so she will have to cut her list.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this, but you and your FI need to be strong, yes she may get upset and throw a tantrum but she will get over it.  If you keep letting her get her way then she will slowly be controlling everything.

Also, stop sharing your ideas or anything wedding related with her.  If she doesn't know what you are planning then she can't comment.