Mother Help

AHessefort

Looking for opinions here.  We just recently started the major planning for our wedding and I have already run into what seems like it is going to be a huge snag right off the bat.  My mother wants fake flowers for the center pieces at the wedding and I on the other hand absolutly HATE fake flowers.  And to clarify, it is not just that I personally hate fake flowers at wedding I have never liked them- in fact it is a favorite family story that I cried after recieving fake flowers at a performance when I was in elementry school.  

Listening to my mom talk about things with the wedding- I already feel like my voice is being discredited- she keeps using phrases like "I want" and "I don't like" which I could understand if she was paying for the wedding all by herself but we are spliting the cost 3 ways.  Or she keeps saying "if you want that then you need to wait another 5 years and pay for the entire thing yourself" and it personally feels like a threat, like she is secretely saying "do what I want or we won't be apart of this at all".  

I do not feel like I am being unresonable here, but I would like to know if people think that I am.  I already compromised on a decent amount just to get to the point we are at and I do not know how to stop this before it gets any worse.  Thanks for listening.

Ashley 

SlothGoals

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c912fad1-45b2-4af5-ba4e-6e8eabbd527fPost:a4963fd3-692b-463a-9cbe-146a5604b6fc">Mother Help</a>:
[QUOTE]Looking for opinions here.  We just recently started the major planning for our wedding and I have already run into what seems like it is going to be a huge snag right off the bat.  My mother wants fake flowers for the center pieces at the wedding and I on the other hand absolutly HATE fake flowers.  And to clarify, it is not just that I personally hate fake flowers at wedding I have never liked them- in fact it is a favorite family story that I cried after recieving fake flowers at a performance when I was in elementry school.   Listening to my mom talk about things with the wedding- I already feel like my voice is being discredited- she keeps using phrases like "I want" and "I don't like" which I could understand if she was paying for the wedding all by herself but we are spliting the cost 3 ways.  Or she keeps saying "if you want that then you need to wait another 5 years and pay for the entire thing yourself" and it personally feels like a threat, like she is secretely saying "do what I want or we won't be apart of this at all".   I do not feel like I am being unresonable here, but I would like to know if people think that I am.  I already compromised on a decent amount just to get to the point we are at and I do not know how to stop this before it gets any worse.  Thanks for listening. Ashley 
Posted by AHessefort[/QUOTE]

<div>Unfortunately, with money often comes strings. You said you're splitting the wedding 3 ways, is that your mom, your FIs family, and you/your FI? It sounds exactly like your mom wants things her way or not at all.</div><div>
</div><div>The easiest solution would be to tell your mother that you no longer need her money and you and your FI absorb the cost. Cutting back on your guest list is the easiest way to save money. Once she is not involved financially you will be able to do what you want for your wedding but keep in mind that you will need to make sacrifices.</div>

JaxInBlue

Agree with PPs.  If your mom isn't amenable to having her money used specifically on those things or areas where you agree, then you should decline her money and adjust your wedding plans until you can afford them on your own. 

Maggie0829

If you are splitting it 3 ways then you need to split the decisions on things 3 ways.  Such as if the flowers and booze are important to you and your FI then you pay for these things meaning you have final say.  If you want your Mom to decide on food because she has a great food palette then she can pay for that and have final say.  Do the same with the third party, which I am just assuming is your FI parents.

If this will not work for your Mom then I would decline her money and absorb her costs.  If you are unable to afford anymore then you are giving then I suggest you postpone the wedding until you are able to have the wedding you want or downgrade your plans so that the money you have will cover the costs.

Unfortunately there are some people who want it there way or not at all and I think your Mom is one of those people and then you add a wedding into the mix and people just go crazy.  I would think about your options and talk with your FI.

AddieCake

I agree with Maggie. If Mom is paying a portion, then she can have control of a portion, not the whole thing. 

MairePoppy

I feel your pain. My mother loves making things with fake flowers. My mom tried her damnedest to get me, then my daughter, then her fi, and finally my husband to agree to let her do the centerpieces for my daughters wedding. She was persistent, even sneaky about it, but we stood our ground.

You should call your mom's bluff. The next time she tells you that you will have to put the wedding off for 5 years to afford what you want, agree with her. Tell her that you will either wait 5 years to pay for everything you want or you will scale back your plans (which will include cutting her guest list)  so that you don't need her contribution. As a recent MOB, I'll bet that your mom won't like those two options.

Both sets of parents are making generous contributions to your wedding budget, so their ideas should be considered. Make up an idea board to they will understand the style of wedding you and fi would like. Encourage them to help you find things that you like. Share some bridal magazines with her. I like Maggie's suggestion to split the decisions three ways.

Tell your mom about the Moms and Maids board. It's a great place for moms and brides to share advice. We'd love to meet her.


p.s. I have another idea. If you are getting married in a church, consider asking your mom to make altar arrangements and pew ribbons. That should keep her pretty busy and satisfy her creative side.

pink34562000

My mom wanted certain things for my wedding in the beginning. She was so excited and had a completely different vision of me such as a ball gown dress and a long veil. (I had no intention of wearing either.)

I said to her that everyone had their chance to plan their weddings. I would like the opportunity to do the same. My mom said that I was right and should plan the wedding the way I wanted it.

Afterwards, she became a great help in wedding planning process and listened to me. Plus, she even had great ideas that fit my vision.

Try to say this first. If it doesn't work, then you may have to tell her thanks but no thanks for her contribution.

MairePoppy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c912fad1-45b2-4af5-ba4e-6e8eabbd527fPost:f1226dce-f154-433d-87d6-bbaab8082804">Re: Mother Help</a>:
[QUOTE]I said to her that everyone had their chance to plan their weddings. I would like the opportunity to do the same. My mom said that I was right and should plan the wedding the way I wanted it....Posted by pink34562000[/QUOTE]

That may not work. My mother planned my wedding 35 years ago.She controlled the guest list, music, menu, decor and the location of the ceremony and reception. Op's mom may have had the same experience and she may think that is how it's supposed to be.

I was angry with my mom for a very long time after that and I knew that I didn't want to repeat history with my daughter. When they set their date, we gave them a check to contribute toward the wedding budget and kept our opinions to ourselves, unless asked. There were no  arguments or hurt feelings and the wedding was a perfect reflection of their style.

AHessefort

Thanks everyone!  You have given me a lot to think about and different things to try.  My mother wants to go to a bridal show in the area tomorrow so I am going to use that and some things that were said here to hopefully reign this back into controlable disagreements with no threats/hostile behavior.

Ashley

SB1512

If it's being split 3 ways, I would give you mom (and your FIL's if they are giving you trouble about decisions) control over the things you do not care about.  If not having fake flowers is important to you, then you and your FI cover the cost of centerpieces and give mom control of something that you don't have strong feelings about (invitation design for example).  If she's not paying for a particular aspect then she doesn't have a say in that area.

Peledreamsofrain

I have to admit that I do not understand your loathing for fake flowers (seriously, they're a 3rd of the cost, and a good quality centerpeices can't be told from a real one until you touch them).  If I were your mother, I would be baffled that you chose to make a stand over something so trivial.   This would make so much more sense if they were your wedding bouquette... but centerpeices?

However, that aside, my advice is the same as the others.  If this truely, TRUELY would heavily impact your day, then just stop taking money from her.  She DOES deserve an opinion in your wedding if she's paying for part of it.  Money = a say.  Even the supreme court thinks so.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:c912fad1-45b2-4af5-ba4e-6e8eabbd527fPost:d49eaad2-2e88-4ca1-ac4a-2fdcb323c36a">Re: Mother Help</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I have to admit that I do not understand your loathing for fake flowers (seriously, they're a 3rd of the cost, and a good quality centerpeices can't be told from a real one until you touch them).  If I were your mother, I would be baffled that you chose to make a stand over something so trivial.   This would make so much more sense if they were your wedding bouquette... but centerpeices?</strong> However, that aside, my advice is the same as the others.  If this truely, TRUELY would heavily impact your day, then just stop taking money from her.  She DOES deserve an opinion in your wedding if she's paying for part of it.  Money = a say.  Even the supreme court thinks so.
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

I disagree with this.  There are things in every wedding that are more or less important to a bride.  I am sure that there was something with your wedding that you thought to be very important where I may have thought it trivial.  With this bride it seems that having real flowers is very important to her and should not be trivialized.  And I have been to a few weddings that had fake flowers as centerpieces and you could definitely tell.  For high quality, very real looking fake flowers you have to spend about the same if not more then real flowers and you can still tell that they aren't real.  As for me, I love flowers and used to work in a florist for about 8 years so flowers were very important to me.  I spent a great deal more on flowers then others would because of their importance and I sacrificed elsewhere.