Moms and Maids

My mother won't even listen to me.

My fiance and I have been talking about getting married [and, for this matter, have been engaged] for quite some time now. However, when the subject of marriage comes up around my mother, she refuses to listen. She claims that, if I get married before graduating college, I will not finish college. Not might not, will not. Yes, we are both young [I'm 20 and he's 18], and I have read through many boards to help deal with comments people make about that, but it's what we want. This wasn't a hasty decision; we're not rushing a wedding because I'm pregnant or anything. We just feel that we are ready to get married, and have talked a lot about how to handle being married and in college at the same time. 
[To give some more information about her, she won't listen to anything that may involve my own idea, not even what four year school I want to attend after graduating from community college. If it's not her idea, she will never be supportive.]
At this point, I really don't know what to do. I've tried just telling her, I've tried sitting her down to talk. I don't know what else is left, and I certainly don't want to try again, just dropping it on her at the last second. I need help..

Re: My mother won't even listen to me.

  • Is she paying for college or are you ready to be on your own financially?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_my-mother-wont-even-listen-to-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ce4c4fb5-b1db-49df-b624-558951fffd05Post:83b916c6-d130-4e7b-a513-c021105cc14b">Re: My mother won't even listen to me.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Is she paying for college or are you ready to be on your own financially?
    Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

    <div>Right now, I'm paying.</div>
  • I'm sorry but NO 18 yo young man is the same at 18 as he will be at 23 or 24.  He will mature greatly and be an entirely different person.  I'm not trying to be mean, and I have 4 grown daughters and a 17 yo son.  I would not be agreeable to one of them getting married at 18.

    The youngest, my stepdd, DID get married at 18 and her divorce will be final this month.  They separated over 2 years ago, got married 7 years ago.  The first thing she said to her dad and me was "you were so right about how much you change and grow those first 5 or 6 years out of high school."  She regrets getting married so young and when she was  that age she said things like, "We just feel that we are ready to get married", and " have talked a lot about how to handle being married and in college at the same time."

    She is struggling to work to support herself and get the education that went by the wayside due to the money they didn't have to pay for it.  She regrets not getting out and living life on her own and being adventurous before she settled down right out of high school.

    I truly think each partner needs to be able to support themselves independently first before getting married.  That means paying all of your own bills and insurances and rent and phone, etc without help from a roommate.  When you say you are paying for college, are you paying out of pocket or are you paying with student loans?  Do you live on your own?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_my-mother-wont-even-listen-to-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ce4c4fb5-b1db-49df-b624-558951fffd05Post:dfcea5ca-3767-4f0b-a0cd-aafdb7764ae4">Re: My mother won't even listen to me.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm sorry but NO 18 yo young man is the same at 18 as he will be at 23 or 24.  He will mature greatly and be an entirely different person.  I'm not trying to be mean, and I have 4 grown daughters and a 17 yo son.  I would not be agreeable to one of them getting married at 18. The youngest, my stepdd, DID get married at 18 and her divorce will be final this month.  They separated over 2 years ago, got married 7 years ago.  The first thing she said to her dad and me was "you were so right about how much you change and grow those first 5 or 6 years out of high school."  She regrets getting married so young and when she was  that age she said things like, " We just feel that we are ready to get married", and "   have talked a lot about how to handle being married and in college at the same time." She is struggling to work to support herself and get the education that went by the wayside due to the money they didn't have to pay for it.  She regrets not getting out and living life on her own and being adventurous before she settled down right out of high school. I truly think each partner needs to be able to support themselves independently first before getting married.  That means paying all of your own bills and insurances and rent and phone, etc without help from a roommate.  When you say you are paying for college, are you paying out of pocket or are you paying with student loans?  Do you live on your own?
    Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

    <div>I do not live on my own yet, as it didn't make sense to when the community college is literally less than ten minutes away. I'm paying for college out of pocket though, am taking over my bills from my parents, and the rest of what I earn is going into saving for moving out.</div><div>Also, I do understand what you are saying about being young and changing and such, but my issue was that she won't listen to anything I have to say. As soon as I bring it up, it's "You're not getting married until you finish college or you won't finish." End of story. If she had a problem with it because of our age, I would much rather her just tell me that than brush off the issue like I'm still the 16-year-old she controlled to a point it was smothering.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_my-mother-wont-even-listen-to-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ce4c4fb5-b1db-49df-b624-558951fffd05Post:d5be610b-53a5-4216-bced-643704394956">Re: My mother won't even listen to me.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Don't share your plans with mom.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    <div>Is that a little messed up? I started considering that, but it seemed mean and I didn't want to like. Totally burn that bridge.</div>
  • Well, Retread has a point.  You are a grown woman and your mother is treating you like a child.  An adult should set strong boundaries with parents who treat them like this.

    You don't have to alienate your mom, but you do need to tell her she needs to treat you and respect you as an adult (and you the same with her) if she wants to be part of your life and plans.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    If you and your fi are both financially independent of your parents, then it's your decision. That means you pay your own rent, health insurance, car, car repairs and insurance, food, tuition, utilities etc...If at 18 and 20 you are capable of that, then you are mature enough to make your own decisions.

    Two questions for you:

    1. Will you be sorry later if you miss the experience of living independently, on your own, before you get married or share a place with your fi?

    2. How will marriage affect your school choice decision and financial aid?



                       
  • It's been my experience that mothers tend to be overbearing and protective of their children. My guess is that she doesn't want you to go ahead and get married in the middle of college because of a financial issue. She might not want you to get married, spend a lot of money on that, have both of you be in school and not have any way to pay for any of it. In response to how you can talk her about it, how about try and set the three of you down together and talk about it. So it's both of you talking and explaining your feelings to her and maybe she'll understand then. I'm sorry for the situation she's put you in though. I'm sure it'll work out for you two! Have hope!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_my-mother-wont-even-listen-to-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ce4c4fb5-b1db-49df-b624-558951fffd05Post:2648d07e-41af-4951-902d-0bbb4b40ab57">Re: My mother won't even listen to me.</a>:
    [QUOTE]If you and your fi are both financially independent of your parents, then it's your decision. That means you pay your own rent, health insurance, car, car repairs and insurance, food, tuition, utilities etc...If at 18 and 20 you are capable of that, then you are mature enough to make your own decisions. Two questions for you: 1. Will you be sorry later if you miss the experience of living independently, on your own, before you get married or share a place with your fi? 2. How will marriage affect your school choice decision and financial aid?
    Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I really do not think I'll miss the living on my own bit. Right now, being alone in the house bothers the living daylights out of me, and I can't imagine having that all the time. We marched together over the summer and pretty much spent every waking moment together, and it was much more relaxing. We really help each other along when we need it.</div><div>About school choice, we each have two schools we're considering, one of which is the same, and the other two are less than an hour away from each other [for which we looked into affordable housing halfway]. We were entertaining these possibilities regardless of being married or not, as they would still let us be close while studying what we want. For both, since our household income would be less, and both of us would be in school at the same time, there was actually more financial aid available to us.</div><div>I guess, in a way though, he's really played a big role in choosing my school, since not many offer fashion design, and, had he not been encouraging me [since my parents both kind of kept telling me it's too hard to get into and to switch majors], I would have ended up switching out and probably going to something general like education, that I could get just about anywhere.

    </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_my-mother-wont-even-listen-to-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ce4c4fb5-b1db-49df-b624-558951fffd05Post:a089af27-90b6-4eca-b1c2-f602df2d5ca9">Re: My mother won't even listen to me.</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's been my experience that mothers tend to be overbearing and protective of their children. My guess is that she doesn't want you to go ahead and get married in the middle of college because of a financial issue. She might not want you to get married, spend a lot of money on that, have both of you be in school and not have any way to pay for any of it. In response to how you can talk her about it, how about try and set the three of you down together and talk about it. So it's both of you talking and explaining your feelings to her and maybe she'll understand then. I'm sorry for the situation she's put you in though. I'm sure it'll work out for you two! Have hope!
    Posted by Indianastar12[/QUOTE]

    <div>Thank you so much! Hopefully that works!</div>
  • Ok, first of all, I think Stage is absolutely right on this one.  Your mom is not going about this the best way, but being concerned about a 20 year old and an 18 year old getting married in college is completely reasonable.  I would certainly not support it if I had a child that you who was talking about getting married.

    Given that, I have another question for you.    Why is it so important to get married now, as opposed to in two or three or four years?  What is the benefit that you're looking for?    There are a lot of clear and obvious reasons to wait when you're this age- because, as PPs have said, you're not done growing into the people you're going to be yet.   What reasons do you have for wanting to get married that are strong enough to overcome that?
  • What I'm reading is being in a house alone scares you so you're going to get married.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_my-mother-wont-even-listen-to-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ce4c4fb5-b1db-49df-b624-558951fffd05Post:dfcea5ca-3767-4f0b-a0cd-aafdb7764ae4">Re: My mother won't even listen to me.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm sorry but NO 18 yo young man is the same at 18 as he will be at 23 or 24.  He will mature greatly and be an entirely different person.  I'm not trying to be mean, and I have 4 grown daughters and a 17 yo son.  I would not be agreeable to one of them getting married at 18. The youngest, my stepdd, DID get married at 18 and her divorce will be final this month.  They separated over 2 years ago, got married 7 years ago.  The first thing she said to her dad and me was "you were so right about how much you change and grow those first 5 or 6 years out of high school."  She regrets getting married so young and when she was  that age she said things like, " We just feel that we are ready to get married", and "   have talked a lot about how to handle being married and in college at the same time." She is struggling to work to support herself and get the education that went by the wayside due to the money they didn't have to pay for it.  She regrets not getting out and living life on her own and being adventurous before she settled down right out of high school. I truly think each partner needs to be able to support themselves independently first before getting married.  <strong>That means paying all of your own bills and insurances and rent and phone, etc without help from a roommate.  </strong>When you say you are paying for college, are you paying out of pocket or are you paying with student loans?  Do you live on your own?
    Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

    kmmssg has made a lot of valid points here that are worth considering very seriously.  Heck I had friends marry guys they dated and met while in college and quite a few have gotten divorced b/c both parties continued to grow and change well into their mid to late 20's and hence grew apart.  The only part I don't really agree with is the bolded.  While yes a person should be responsible for their own bills and insurance, I don't think it's necessary to be affording rent on your own before getting married.  Not sure about other areas, but where I'm from a studio or 1 bedroom apartment usually goes for about $800+ utilities.  2 bedrooms around here can start as low as $850 so getting a 2 bedroom with a roommate and splitting the rent is a better move because you can save a good amount of money up.  I lived with a roommate when I first met FI, and FI was living in a house with 3 other guys (and had been for the two years or so before we met).  Him renting with so many people allowed him to put a ton of cash away and save up to buy his condo, rather than if he had been renting alone it would have been much more difficult to put away money for home ownership. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_my-mother-wont-even-listen-to-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ce4c4fb5-b1db-49df-b624-558951fffd05Post:7b68d990-d4f7-44b9-b561-d00ca6e73762">Re: My mother won't even listen to me.</a>:
    [QUOTE]What I'm reading is being in a house alone scares you so you're going to get married.
    Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

    <div>I'm getting this too. And believe me, you will eventually want some alone time. But of course you're just not going to listen to any of us and you know you're right and soooo grown-up and mature at 20.</div><div>
    </div><div>Look, every young adult thinks they're mature enough for anything. I sure did. And now at 25, I know without a doubt that I was completely wrong. True maturity only comes with the passing of years. I'm extremely glad I lived on my own before getting married, even though I had dated my now husband since I was 18 and he was 21, as much as living alone sucked. At least it beat having roommates.</div><div>
    </div><div>So even though I know you're not going to listen, I really wish you would. As others have said, you will both be such different people in 3, 4, 5 years and there's no guarantee you will still be compatible. Divorces are messy and expensive. Staying in a bad marriage is worse. Please, PLEASE, at least postpone your wedding until both of you have an education. Yes, that's what your mother wants, but it's because she's older and wiser than you and you should value her wisdom, even if she doesn't necessarily put it in a way you want to listen to.</div>
    image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_my-mother-wont-even-listen-to-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ce4c4fb5-b1db-49df-b624-558951fffd05Post:85ed621c-6ee1-462e-8a1c-79e5d1d38e5e">Re: My mother won't even listen to me.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: My mother won't even listen to me. : I'm getting this too. And believe me, you will eventually want some alone time.<strong> But of course you're just not going to listen to any of us and you know you're right and soooo grown-up and mature at 20</strong>. Look, every young adult thinks they're mature enough for anything. I sure did. And now at 25, I know without a doubt that I was completely wrong. True maturity only comes with the passing of years. I'm extremely glad I lived on my own before getting married, even though I had dated my now husband since I was 18 and he was 21, as much as living alone sucked. At least it beat having roommates. So even though I know you're not going to listen, I really wish you would. As others have said, you will both be such different people in 3, 4, 5 years and there's no guarantee you will still be compatible. Divorces are messy and expensive. Staying in a bad marriage is worse. Please, PLEASE, at least postpone your wedding until both of you have an education. Yes, that's what your mother wants, but it's because she's older and wiser than you and you should value her wisdom, even if she doesn't necessarily put it in a way you want to listen to.
    Posted by artbyallie[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>I think that's a bit uncalled for. The OP has not said anything remotely bratty - she can't help that her mother is trying to keep her 12 years old rather than help her blossom into an adult. </div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>OP, I'm only a little bit older than you, so I'm going to give you some peer to peer advice - there is really no reason to rush into getting married. In a few years, you and your FI will still be in love and can still get married then. I think your priority right now should be moving out of your mother's house. I know it's only 10 minutes away from school but I think it will really change your perspective and dealing with her about things like your wedding will be so much easier. Live with your FI, or live with some girlfriends for the time being. Be financially independant - don't pay bills for your parents, pay bills for you, run your own life. When your mother tells you how she wants things to be, what college you should go to or what she thinks of your wedding (because I would be willing to bet my next paycheck that she will have strong opinions about it when the time comes) you will be able to take or leave her advise but you won't be living with her and her opinion won't matter so much.</div><div>
    </div><div>You and your FI will have many years of marriage ahead of you - right now you should focus on the time inbetween now and marriage, when you are establishing yourselves as independant adults who live away from their parents. I had a friend who was your age who got engaged while living with her parents and going to college. Her FI was the same way. They got married, but they never really got their parents out of their relationship and her FI never really became an independant adult. I really think if they had taken 2 or 3 years and established themselves their marriage would have started off stronger. They ended up divorced years later - and her mother never really let her hear the end of it. </div><div>
    </div><div>A good marriage takes a lot of work an a good established foundation. Work on that first, and then work on actually getting married. You'll notice once you're established that your mother's disdain for anything won't really matter as much because you're an independant entity. </div><div>
    </div>
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  • Since you still live at home, unfortunately for your sake, I think your mom has every right to be treating you like a 16-year old if they're paying your living expenses.  I'm sure your parents don't mind helping you out by letting you stay at home while you're in school, but if I were them, and I knew that you were saving up money for a wedding as well, I wouldn't be nearly as okay with it since that's probably not why they agreed to it. 

    Bottom line, if you want your mom to respect you as an adult who is making an adult-decision to get married, you truly need to be an independent grown-up all on your own without their support. 

    Obviously, your mom can't force you to not get married, but they can definitely stop supporting you financially, so you just might want to make sure you have a plan if that happens.

    Good luck!!
  • Your age matters to your mother but she needs to understand that by acting this way she is upsetting you and pushing you away. I agree that you are young but if this is what you want you should do what you think is best. I turned twenty one this month and my family thinks I am too young. The only thing I tell them is that if I do end up making a mistake its mine not theirs and I am really hoping to prove them wrong.

     Congratulations on your engagement!
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  • edited September 2012
    An excellent point, Stage. I think we're also better off by having married at 23 and 25 even though we agreed that was where our relationship was going years earlier. We were together 5.5 years before the wedding, and though we don't have a house to show for it, we both have degrees and jobs.

    ETA: I'm the younger one, for the record. We've been married a year and change now and I feel like I was just barely ready for marriage last June when we tied the knot.
    image
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited September 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_my-mother-wont-even-listen-to-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ce4c4fb5-b1db-49df-b624-558951fffd05Post:237998db-3f80-489a-8d37-6f16d9afcb26">Re:My mother won't even listen to me.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I just wanted to add the happier side to all the cautionary tales to wait. I've began dating DH at 19. We were living together and knew we wanted to get married by my 22 birthday. However, we were both in school and DH insisted we wait until we had graduated and had steady jobs before getting married. At 25, I married the man I had loved for six years. Because we waited until after college, we already had a house we loved and were able to save up and pay for the wedding WE wanted in relative comfort. We were stable and didnt start out worried about money or stability. So while I agree with the other ladies that waiting is a good idea because there's a chance this isn't the man you truly will end up wanting to spend forever with, my point is that even if you ARE meant to be together, waiting will not only not hurt anything but will actually still be better.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    I agree with this.  I don't want you to think that the reason why we are telling you to wait is because you will find out that this man isn't for you after all.  I dated my now H for 9 years before we got married.  Did I think about marrying him well before we actually did?  Yes.  Am I glad we waited until we both had full-time jobs, out of school and financially secure?  Hell yes.  I think back now and could not have imagined getting married when I was 20.  I was still in school full-time and had a $10/hour part-time job that barely helped to pay my health insurance and cell bill.  I still lived at home and my parents paid for everything else, not because I wanted them to but because I just couldn't afford it.

    When I finally finished school in '08 my now H and I moved in together.  I really think living together before marriage is a great idea.  We had been together over 6 years by that point so we were completely comfortable with each other but we needed to learn how to handle our money together as a couple.  After living together for 2 years he proposed and then we bought a house because we wanted something of our own and didn't want to rent anymore.  Do we still argue over money?  Yes, but we know how to talk things out before the arguement gets out of hand. 

    I know that if we got married young then our lives would be a lot harder and we would fight a ton more then we do now.  You really do change and mature a lot from your early 20's to your late 20's. 

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