Another FMIL Monster-in-Law story

cscheela

Hey all, I'm really just looking to vent as I'm trying to keep the peace amongst my family in the 'real world', but I've read  so many similar situtations on here that I hope to take a bit of comfort by posting my experiences

Basically my FMIL loved me before I got engaged to her eldest son, she would even joke about me being her daughter in law and asking when we were getting engaged and having babies. She often would tell me she loved me and that her son had never been treated better. After 1.5 years (and many years of knowing each other before dating) we actually do get engaged. When we first told her at a family dinner, she was shocked and said to her son, "you never talked to me about this, I had no idea". She acted so pouty abotu it that my fiancee and I didn't knwo what to say afterwards, and were pretty quiet. Because of this, she then proceded to yell at us because she felt that we felt she wasn't happy enough for us. literally yelled at us and made us cry, and brought up his ex (who everyone knows treated him poorly, he left her)

Fast forward 2 months before our wedding, and  she very much only interacts with me when I try to spur conversation. She talks mostly about herself: her family, her job, her home renovations, how beautiful her babies are, how my fiancee will always be her baby (he's 30! cut the cord already). Very moody and back and forth, never asks about the wedding aside from teling us how we have to invite her relatives from across the country.


My fiancee is the eldest of her two boys. The younger boy is very much a momma's boy and tells her everything about his relationships (on a side note, he always has very drama filled relationships - his current girl he has broken up with 4 or 5 times already). FMIL has made a point of fawning all over his gf while ignoring me. Doesn't say anything more than "oh" when I graduate with a Masters and get job interviews at the university or government. Fiancee thinks his parents might be jealous that we are both university educated and doing well and they are struggling financially.

So..basically I am slowly starting to not care what she thinks anymore. It would be nice if we could have the relationship we did before her son and I got engaged but I really don't want to be in my mother's situation; she said that she always felt subservient to my father's mom, and that she didn't want to see that happen to me, that it is not my solely my responsibility to form a relationship with someone.

Thanks for reading my vent! If anyone has had a similar experience, I'd appreciate any thoughts on the matter, and if you are going through it right now, know that it is a very common situation to be in

karkeys2

I can totally agree and tell you this is happening to me.  My fiance is one of two children, him being the only boy.  She said the same thing when we got engaged, that why didnt she know anything that was going on.  It is two months before our wedding and she says she has had no say in our wedding - your damn right you dont - she hasnt even offered a penny to help wit hthe wedding.  She bought her dress the other day, and its the same color as my bridesmaids dress.  She says she doesnt care, she already put a deposit on it and its non refundable.  Its just so ridiculous.  Shes mad her name is not on the invitation - you arent helping us out, why should it be.  Even though it is my fiance and mines wedding, everything seems to be revolving around her.  It really is so upsetting, but you just have to let things go.  Its like they are scared they are going to lose their sons forever...well maybe the way you are acting now- maybe it will.  I totally feel ya!

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_another-fmil-monster-in-law-story?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:cf74cee8-58bf-4d41-863c-cdee43d63c87Post:862bfc79-3b6b-491e-930e-212bbac2c835">Another FMIL Monster-in-Law story</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey all, I'm really just looking to vent as I'm trying to keep the peace amongst my family in the 'real world', but I've read  so many similar situtations on here that I hope to take a bit of comfort by posting my experiences Basically my FMIL loved me before I got engaged to her eldest son, she would even joke about me being her daughter in law and asking when we were getting engaged and having babies. She often would tell me she loved me and that her son had never been treated better. After 1.5 years (and many years of knowing each other before dating) we actually do get engaged. When we first told her at a family dinner, she was shocked and said to her son, "you never talked to me about this, I had no idea". She acted so pouty abotu it that my fiancee and I didn't knwo what to say afterwards, and were pretty quiet. Because of this, she then proceded to yell at us because she felt that we felt she wasn't happy enough for us. literally yelled at us and made us cry, and brought up his ex (who everyone knows treated him poorly, he left her) Fast forward 2 months before our wedding, and  she very much only interacts with me when I try to spur conversation. She talks mostly about herself: her family, her job, her home renovations, how beautiful her babies are, how my fiancee will always be her baby (he's 30! cut the cord already). Very moody and back and forth, never asks about the wedding aside from teling us how we have to invite her relatives from across the country. My fiancee is the eldest of her two boys. The younger boy is very much a momma's boy and tells her everything about his relationships (on a side note, he always has very drama filled relationships - his current girl he has broken up with 4 or 5 times already). FMIL has made a point of fawning all over his gf while ignoring me. Doesn't say anything more than "oh" when I graduate with a Masters and get job interviews at the university or government. Fiancee thinks his parents might be jealous that we are both university educated and doing well and they are struggling financially. So..basically I am slowly starting to not care what she thinks anymore. It would be nice if we could have the relationship we did before her son and I got engaged but I really don't want to be in my mother's situation; she said that she always felt subservient to my father's mom, and that she didn't want to see that happen to me, that it is not my solely my responsibility to form a relationship with someone. Thanks for reading my vent! If anyone has had a similar experience, I'd appreciate any thoughts on the matter, and if you are going through it right now, know that it is a very common situation to be in :)
Posted by cscheela[/QUOTE]

What is your FI's reaction to how his mother behaves?

MairePoppy

Your FMIL is probably like most braggarts. She is feeling insecure about her relationship with her more independent son or she feels like she doesn't measure up in some way.

From my own experience with my MIL, I think you have figured out the correct strategy. Stop trying to please her. Go about your business without seeking her approval. Your fi should let her know that the two of you are in love and very happy together and if she wants to be part of your lives, she will have to treat both of you with respect.

I'm a MOB who doesn't understand why a mother would alienate her FDIL, the woman who may be the mother of her grandchildren. It doesn't make sense.

Good luck, don't let her get to you.

cscheela

Thanks everyone for the kinds words . Also I forgot to mention that they aren't contributing to the wedding, which is fine, but they are pushy about who of their relatives we have to invite. I do get along much better with the Future FIL, although she is definitely a matriarch of sorts and often the centre of attention in the family

Karkeys2 good point...you would think that FMIL would want to be close with her granchild's family and be included! Both of our FMIL's are really just isolating themselves of their own volition

My FI is very confused about the situation. He loves his mom very much but acknowledges that she likes to be the center of attention and pays more attention to his little brother who is always is a state of self-created crisis. FI often feels like he isn't as close with his parents because he is more independent.

My FI said if it ever came down to it he would stick with me, his new family first (hopefully this doesn't happen!) and offered to talk to her about it, also suggesting that it might be helpful for me to approach her, but I get the sense from many family gatherings that she sulks until someone gives her attention and asks her whats wrong, what can they do to make her feel better, etc.

Basically...we are both grown woman and I don't like being treated like a bad child BECAUSE I am responsible AND I treat her son like gold ! You'd think parents would want this for there kids!

shannyb41

Our FMIL's must be related because mine is the same way.  lol

danilinsday

Mine is the same way, except a little more intense. Loved me when I was just the girlfriend becase there wasn't really any competition as to who came first in fiances life. I honeslty think that she always thought that as the girlfriend I could also just not exist I.e. we break up someday. As soon as we got engaged at it became apparent that our relationship, and myself honestly, became his priority she hated me. I just let him deal with her at this point. It sucks not having a good relationship with her but I'm not going to let it ruin the wedding or my relationship with her son for that matter.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_another-fmil-monster-in-law-story?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:cf74cee8-58bf-4d41-863c-cdee43d63c87Post:f0e17ad5-dc0a-4ce2-9873-9610758e60e3">Re: Another FMIL Monster-in-Law story</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks everyone for the kinds words :). Also I forgot to mention that they aren't contributing to the wedding, which is fine, but they are pushy about who of their relatives we have to invite. I do get along much better with the Future FIL, although she is definitely a matriarch of sorts and often the centre of attention in the family Karkeys2 good point...you would think that FMIL would want to be close with her granchild's family and be included! Both of our FMIL's are really just isolating themselves of their own volition My FI is very confused about the situation. He loves his mom very much but acknowledges that she likes to be the center of attention and pays more attention to his little brother who is always is a state of self-created crisis. FI often feels like he isn't as close with his parents because he is more independent. My FI said if it ever came down to it he would stick with me, his new family first (hopefully this doesn't happen!) and offered to talk to her about it, also suggesting that it might be helpful for me to approach her, but<strong> I get the sense from many family gatherings that she sulks until someone gives her attention and asks her whats wrong, what can they do to make her feel better, etc.</strong> Basically...we are both grown woman and I don't like being treated like a bad child BECAUSE I am responsible AND I treat her son like gold :)! You'd think parents would want this for there kids!
Posted by cscheela[/QUOTE]

If this is the case, don't give her what she wants, don't confront her at all. Just ignore her behavior.

daffydillie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_another-fmil-monster-in-law-story?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:cf74cee8-58bf-4d41-863c-cdee43d63c87Post:f0e17ad5-dc0a-4ce2-9873-9610758e60e3">Re: Another FMIL Monster-in-Law story</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks everyone for the kinds words :). Also I forgot to mention that they aren't contributing to the wedding, which is fine, but they are pushy about who of their relatives we have to invite. I do get along much better with the Future FIL, although she is definitely a matriarch of sorts and often the centre of attention in the family Karkeys2 good point...you would think that FMIL would want to be close with her granchild's family and be included! Both of our FMIL's are really just isolating themselves of their own volition My FI is very confused about the situation. <strong>He loves his mom very much but acknowledges that she likes to be the center of attention and pays more attention to his little brother who is always is a state of self-created crisis.</strong> FI often feels like he isn't as close with his parents because he is more independent. <strong>My FI said if it ever came down to it he would stick with me, his new family first (hopefully this doesn't happen!) and offered to talk to her about it, also suggesting that it might be helpful for me to approach her</strong>, but I get the sense from many family gatherings that she sulks until someone gives her attention and asks her whats wrong, what can they do to make her feel better, etc. Basically...we are both grown woman and I don't like being treated like a bad child BECAUSE I am responsible AND I treat her son like gold :)! You'd think parents would want this for there kids!
Posted by cscheela[/QUOTE]

I would be careful with this. If he is confused and doesnt know where he stands this could cause majors rifts later down the line. My ex told me the same thing, until it came down to it. His mother hated me after we got engaged and effectively ruined our relationship by playing him against me. She was and continues to be a psycho.

brigitten20

I too have a psychotic FMIL. She actually is not coming to our wedding nor have either of us spoken to her in almost 6 months because of her behavior.  I refuse to talk to her because she calls me extremely disrespectful names and has spread rumors that my family is full of alcoholics and drug users. Of course none of that is true, but she seems to get ideas in her head that everything she lies about is actually true. She must have an extreme case of bi-polar. We've had to hire security for our wedding because she has threatened to come to it and destroy it. 

She's had a major problem with me since we started dating because FI is an only child and its always been the two of them no matter who has come and gone. I've tried very hard to win her over and make her happy and it never worked. She would be fine one minute and completely insane the next. I got great advice from the ladies on here and just stayed away from her and let my FI handle his mother. Sometimes its all you can do. 

karkeys2

I do have to say my fiance is very understanding and is on my side with this.  I told my mother and his mother they could invite 3 friends/couples to the wedding.  Doesnt one of the couples she wants to have come, cant make it. She then asks if she can invite someone else to fill their place.  I said no, you gave me who you wanted, and shes so pissy at me.  My fiance said its her fault for not picking the people she thought would come. So glad he feels the same way.  He gets upset when I'm upset over this stuff.  He thinks its ridiculous shes wearing the same color as the bridesmaids.  He always says, i am marrying you.  i want to make sure to keep you happy.  YOu are who I live with.  This makes me so happy.  Its not that I am getting my way, but if we are to be together our parents cannot get in our way - especially when it comes to this wedding stuff and future stuff like babies.

cscheela

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_another-fmil-monster-in-law-story?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:cf74cee8-58bf-4d41-863c-cdee43d63c87Post:d1ba14f9-fc83-4c36-815b-37ee0b7e2455">Re: Another FMIL Monster-in-Law story</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Another FMIL Monster-in-Law story :<strong> I would be careful with this. If he is confused and doesnt know where he stands this could cause majors rifts later down the line. </strong>My ex told me the same thing, until it came down to it. His mother hated me after we got engaged and effectively ruined our relationship by playing him against me. She was and continues to be a psycho.
Posted by daffydillie[/QUOTE]


Thanks for your input, sounds like your FMIL was really unfair. In reply to your comments, I've dated momma's boys before and my FI is definitely not one of them; he's not confused about where he stands (with me, holding hands :) and disaproves of his mother's behaviour as well. he doesn't rush to defend or condemn her, he is very level-headed and logical. I guess I will just have to make sure her attitude remains her problem and not take it personally :)

jmconley08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_another-fmil-monster-in-law-story?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:cf74cee8-58bf-4d41-863c-cdee43d63c87Post:e027c308-2fce-46fa-a24e-d19a76ede195">Re: Another FMIL Monster-in-Law story</a>:
[QUOTE]Your FMIL is probably like most braggarts. She is feeling insecure about her relationship with her more independent son or she feels like she doesn't measure up in some way. From my own experience with my MIL, I think you have figured out the correct strategy. Stop trying to please her. Go about your business without seeking her approval. Your fi should let her know that the two of you are in love and very happy together and if she wants to be part of your lives, she will have to treat both of you with respect.<strong> I'm a MOB who doesn't understand why a mother would alienate her FDIL, the woman who may be the mother of her grandchildren. It doesn't make sense</strong>. Good luck, don't let her get to you.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]



I often wonder this too but it happens. Same thing for for FSIL's. ugh.