My "BFF" doesn't want ANYTHING to do with my wedding. (long) pleeease help

[Deleted User]

I'm a young bride-to-be, so a lot of people are telling me that i'm too young. I believe its not about age.. its about making the marriage work. The people that are telling me are our co-workers (me and my FI work together) and a few aquatiences.
None of their opinion matters to me because I know i have found the one and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. My entire family is very supportive and excited about the wedding (5 months to go!!!!! :])
All my close friends as well are helping me plan, and even a best friend of mine that I lost contact with for a year, because of family issues, has been helping me out A LOT and we've become very close again.
But my "best friend" that i've lived with for the past year.. absolutley HATES my FI and just can't seem to get to know him, because she refuses to. He is the greatest man i've ever met and shows me that he loves me and wants to be with me all the time. She thinks that me getting married to him is the worst idea ever. She specifically told me that she thinks its "all going to crash down in the end" (great support huh?) and also she says she says she "trys" to help me with the wedding, but she just can't get herself to.. because she hates the idea. I don't talk with her about ANY of the planning ideas, not only because she seems so uninterested, but i just can't stand her rude comments and her lack of interest. She's definatley distanced herself away from me and i have done the same.. it's very unfortunate because we live together, and things have become intense. My FI also lives with us, and i know that has to do with a lot, but she can't even show any support.
I want her to be a BM because she is one of my closest friends (she's not being concidered for a MOH) but i don't think i should because of her lack of help and her lack of wanting ANY OF THIS. My grandmother whom i'm very close to and who is helping me plan a lot.. says i really shouldnt allow this ungrateful jealousy to be in my wedding. WHAT SHOULD I DO!!!?!?!?!? I wouldn't want to ask her to not be a BM or kick her out because we probably would lose all of our connection..

[Deleted User]

Well, how old ARE you and FI? Because I'm of the mindset that anyone with 'teen' still in their age is too young, though these are the people who would never listen to reason anyway.

If she truly is your best friend, then maybe you should at least hear her out. I say that because while I love my best friend to death, if I thought she was marrying a d-bag I would tell her to her face. She picks out the worst guys who treat her like crap, yet she thinks they are the greatest thing to ever happen to her. I don't get it, and I would never pretend to approve of a wedding to a POS man. So, has she ever said WHY she doesn't like him? And if so, are her reasons justified and you're refusing to see the truth, or are they completely unreasonable?

Regardless, she's your best friend so I'd say ask her to be your BM, but limit wedding talk with her. She's obviously not interested anyway.

Oh, and this spelling "aquatiences" made me laugh. All I could picture was a group of people living in the ocean.

Love is Bald

you need to just distance yourself from your friend.  Cut your losses and move on.  She doesn't support you for the reasons you stated, in which she may or may not be correct that it will all come crashing down... but thats for you to deal with, not her.  Everyone is entitled to their opinion and it sucks that you dont feel her love, but i'd just let her out of your life and call it a day.

I personally think you are too young, assuming that the 91 in your screen name is the year you are born which would make you 19 years old (yeaaa, I went to college!)

gailpete

I know it hurts that your BFF is not in favor of your wedding.  However, since she lives with you and your FI, maybe she sees  something in the way he treats you that is causing her concern.  I think you should sit down with her and listen calmly to why she is so concerned and why she dislikes your FI.  Don't try to argue with her or change her mind, just listen.  Decide from there where you go with the BM situation.

emarston1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bff-doesnt-want-anything-wedding-long-pleeease?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d02bd410-0345-44f0-8318-883fd3a12f8fPost:4867a47e-c0e8-4927-94dc-c705639e1f84">Re: My "BFF" doesn't want ANYTHING to do with my wedding. (long) pleeease help</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, how old ARE you and FI? Because I'm of the mindset that anyone with 'teen' still in their age is too young, though these are the people who would never listen to reason anyway.
Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]

My guess is that she's 19 although I really hope that the 91 in her SN does not stand for 1991.

[Deleted User]

Actually, in fact it does stand for 1991.

Yes I am 19, but what's age got to do with anything. I wasn't asking for the same judgement that everyone else was giving me..

Thank you very much to those who actually answered my ? and  helped me..

30 and 40 y.o.'s get married multiple times, all the time.. so exactly what DOES age have to do with it? It's all about the people and the love behind them!!!! Some people find love at different ages, there is no age in love and being "wiser or smarter" has nothing to do with it. There are plenty 30-40 year olds who are absolutley out of their minds.

I know this was "years" ago.. But my grandparents married at 15 and 18.. 51 years later they are still happily married!!!!

My FI has his head on straight.. he's going to school, enlisting in the USAF, has a steady job, great family, he's not and far from abusive.. he treats me like i've always wanted to be treated, i fall in love with him more every day and i have no doubt in my mind about our love and life together. And for the most part my friend isn't even here, she goes and stays with HER boyfriend.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bff-doesnt-want-anything-wedding-long-pleeease?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:d02bd410-0345-44f0-8318-883fd3a12f8fPost:e7f01a3e-58e7-4b89-b4cc-a6a94c85a2e2">Re: My "BFF" doesn't want ANYTHING to do with my wedding. (long) pleeease help</a>:
[QUOTE]Actually, in fact it does stand for 1991. Yes I am 19, but what's age got to do with anything. I wasn't asking for the same judgement that everyone else was giving me.. Thank you very much to those who actually answered my ? and  helped me.. :) 30 and 40 y.o.'s get married multiple times, all the time.. so exactly what DOES age have to do with it? It's all about the people and the love behind them!!!! Some people find love at different ages, there is no age in love and being "wiser or smarter" has nothing to do with it. There are plenty 30-40 year olds who are absolutley out of their minds. I know this was "years" ago.. But my grandparents married at 15 and 18.. 51 years later they are still happily married!!!! My FI has his head on straight.. he's going to school, enlisting in the USAF, has a steady job, great family, he's not and far from abusive.. he treats me like i've always wanted to be treated, i fall in love with him more every day and i have no doubt in my mind about our love and life together. And for the most part my friend isn't even here, she goes and stays with HER boyfriend.
Posted by sarahk91[/QUOTE]

Um, being older and wiser has everything to do with it. So does age, but they go hand in hand. And the grandparent argument is pointless, times are very different now than they were back then.

Both my parents have 2 weddings under their belt. Why? Because they got married at 18 and 19, weren't old and wise enough I guess. As for the multiple marriage people, there is another threat somewhere on TK about people being desensitized to marriages, which will explain that one.

But you didn't answer my earlier question about why your friend doesn't like him. You can list all the great qualities in the world, but I'm still curious as to her opinion. Lots of girls think their man is God's gift to the world, but the reality is very different.

I'm not saying you shouldn't get married or that your FI sucks, just that I don't agree with people in their teens getting married. We'll have to agree to disagree on that one.

AdeleDazeem

I have a slightly different take on this, but who knows what is right...

At 19, my head was no where near marriage.  It was entirely wrapped up in what I was doing the following weekend with my good friends.  If one of my friends was getting married, I'd be happy and sad at the same time.  Especially if we were best friends who did lots of things together because, in essence, that friendship is ending.  Perhaps not in your eyes, OP, but to your friend, the relationship is now going to change. 

If my good friend and college roommate got married at 19, I think I would have been really excited for her until reality hit.  For example, the fiance moved in and plans went from "yes, that sounds fun - let's go!" to "hmm...I'll have to ask FI if he wants to come."  And then discussions started about you two moving out after the wedding...  The reality of our carefree adventures would be clear.  And, I think that reaction at 19 is perfectly normal.

I would, obviously, talk to your friend about what is really bugging her.  Marriage changes a lot of things.  It could be she doesn't like your fiance, it could be that she doesn't like how the marriage may change your friendship, or maybe she's just not that into you anymore.  All of those are possible... we can only guess, but she actually knows!

AutumnFair

I agree with Sesha points, that sometimes age definitely has a factor. Many times people that get married before 21 do not last. Just not mature enough to realize about relationships and how they work. Then again you have some that do, my mom was 19, my dad was 22, they are happily married going on 33 years this September. But back in my parents and grandparents day, woman especially did not have much a future besides being a wife. Today is much different, hence, why marriage should never be something that should be rushed. If you family supports your decision then that's fine, but you definitely need to sit down with your friend and let her concerns be heard. 

I have a friend who was in a very "controlling" relationship. He would constantly tell her she couldn't do things. We tried so hard to tell her that "if you want to do something, do it, you do not need his approval". It took her until grad school that she wanted to go to Europe for a semester and he said no to realize that he was more controlling that she really thought. So definitely, sometimes the cloud of "love" can really blur someone's logic because to the person in love they can do no wrong. So definitely talk to her, if she's been a close friend for a long time, you would think that she would be looking out for your welfare. (quick questions does FI help pay for rent?)

[Deleted User]

Yes as a matter of fact, he pays his portion of the rent, helps with grocieries, puts gas in the car, helps me pay my phone bill (he doesn't have his phone turned on yet so we can have a family plan), helps with insurance payments for the car, and both me and him are making payments on the wedding cost. No parents are paying. She pays rent, and electric.. and the majority of the car insurance because she wrecked my car and my insurance went up, and also totaled my last car on a road trip we went on a year ago. Thats all she pays. Here and there some gas money, but she doesn't have a car.. so i take on being her chauffeur to her boyfriends house (over 5 miles away) and to work and back, to her friends' house and to parties, and what am i supposed to do??? Say no and ruin the day? Ha that would really make me look like the bad guy, I do say no some times, but believe me she gets quite an attitude and doesn't understand that i'm tired after i get off work and don't want to drive for an hour!!! For the past year now, she has been surviving partly because of me. I'm the one with the phone, the car and the gas in the car, and i put food on the table, etc. She claims she's supporting herself.. Which in case she only pays those bills, and pitches in nothing for gas unless being told, and none for grocieries She absolutley hates every minute being around him. She also claims that the reason she doesn't pay for grocieries is because me and him always go, but she's either at her bf's or her friends.

Now, the only reason she told me that she doesn't like him is because he doesn't have his "head on straight" because he bought a $30 Nerf gun for my little brothers (ages 12 & 9) to play with while he spent the entire day with them while i was at work, that was the only example she could give me for her thinking "he doesn't have his head on straight" And also she said he's "annoying", which i can understand in her case but only because he is very book smart but doesn't have most of the basic common sense or "street smart" (his mother controlled everything he did until he met me and got out of the house, he is an only child and adopted, she didn't let him out of the house to hang with friends, it was all school school school and work, therefore i believe he didn't develop the social area of his life, i let him have his freedom, he's expierienced parties, having fun, and doing what he wants as a young adult should expierience) and she doesn't have the tolerance to understand him, But she doesn't take the time to get to know him.. AT ALL and she told me she doesn't want to. She's very reliant on me and I think thats the reason. I have talked to her about it, and all that above was her response.

He is not controlling, not abusive, doesn't yell at me, doesn't tell me I can't do things.... and as far as "teens getting married", none of you know me  personally so you can't jugde at whether i'm "ready" or not. How are these different times as far as marriage? Marriage is just a symbol.. it's the LOVE.. LOVE doesn't change with decades, it still remains the same.  Yes the idealistc "woman" changed, but not love......And there can not be a definition for love, everyone see it and feels it differently.

[Deleted User]

Well if she's all the things you listed, why on earth is this girl your "BFF?" She sounds like a lazy, irresponsible mooch. And I agree, based on your post, that her big issue seems to be losing you since once you get married you will likely want a place with just you and your husband. I don't understand why the nerf gun is such a big deal to her, seems more like an excuse than anything else.

As for the age thing, like I said we'll just have to agree to disagree. When my mom and grandma got married as teens, it's because that's what all the girls were doing as they weren't expected to get a job or go to college. No, love doesn't change with decades, but culture does. Standards change, norms change. I don't think people grow up as fast today as they did "back then," when my grandfather had to work and feed his family at age 12 or my mom had to get a job right out of high school because that's just what they did. I'm not saying you're immature by any means, just that you still have growing up to do both emotionally and mentally, whether you want to believe it or not. If your love really is that deep and lasting, then waiting a couple years wouldn't be an issue.

But, I"m not judging you, just saying I don't agree with you.

[Deleted User]

I am a really nice person, and I see the good in people, All that does come in place when viewing her as a friend and my grandparents, mom, and other friends have asked me that same question.
Please also don't take judgement on this next comment but both of us girls used to smoke pot during high school. That was pretty much how we even started hanging out and became friends. Around the same time as the wedding planning came around, I ended up quitting because I just lost all intrest in it. She on the other hand continues smoking. I now realize all the positive things about NOT smoking, more job opportunities, and definiatly more money in the wallet. She doesn't understand that and she believes that the whole reason i quit was because of the wedding and it is far from it, but it has now come into perspective. Mostly that was our connection as friends, smoking pot, hanging out, and etc. Now I don't do it, and she's upset at the fact..
I do not judge people on smoking pot, and I believe it is not a drug, and neither a gateway drug but also we all have our own opinions. Something that is grown out of the ground and not man-handled is all natural herb. Things like cigarettes with chemicals are legal and marijuana isn't.. makes no sense to me. I'm not saying i have quit but i've taken a break on it, and she doesn't like it.

[Deleted User]

Oh yes, and agreed to disagree. We are all entitled to our own opinion.

[Deleted User]

Well, there are lots of natural herbs and plants that shouldn't be smoked, but that's besides the point (I'm the last person to talk to about drugs, I can admit I'm essentially a prude when it comes to that subject. I hate drugs and refuse to tolerate them near me, for my own personal reasons though).

But anyway, it sounds like you've drifted apart as it is and she's no longer your true BFF (which happens, people drift apart all the time), so why let her bother you? Why get all worked up over her opinion and comments on how your marriage won't last or whatever else she says? Clearly she isn't interested in your happiness, so just let her go.

[Deleted User]

understandable.

yes, I also believe that is what has happened here.
But on the other note, I'd like to try and get back to my question about her being a BM?
Should I still concider, or should I not?
I want her to be, but I don't feel she deserves it.
And when I asked her she said she would like to be part of my wedding.. But I just don't feel like she would appriciate it in the way it should be.

[Deleted User]

Oh, I totally missed that part. If you want her to be a BM, then ask. Just don't be surprised when she doesn't help out, or gives you a hard time about the dresses (and definitely don't come back here asking if it's okay to kick her out if that happens, because you'll only get torn apart by other posters).

And who knows, maybe she will totally change her views and be completely supportive since you are including her.

Kniblet

I thank my lucky stars everyday that I did NOT marry the "awesome" man I was dating when I was 19.

melissamc2

Just at first glance, and knowing only what you've written - it sounds like she knows something about him that she's not telling you.  He hit on her when you were gone, he slept with a friend, he beats puppies when you're asleep, he helps throw bodies in the river...something.   I've seen friends act like this around one another and then it'll all finally come out and the first response is "Why didn't you tell me?!"   The answer is usually "I told you I hated him and you shouldn't marry him!"

Of course, maybe she's just a tool and has no reason behind it, but I'd look into things a little more if I were you.

Albireo

I know girls who found their true loves as teenagers. When I was at university I came home to meet a couple of my brothers punky-gothy teenage friends, and I never assumed that eight years later those two would still be together.

You sound like you have your head on straight and so does he. Although please note that 30- and 40-year olds who get married multiple times aren't doing it for fun or because it's right! They're doing it because something went wrong the first time. I'm not going to judge people for what's in their pasts, but people who are older than you certainly do have good advice. Listen and think about it even if you don't do what they tell you.

poolkat78

I agree - if i married the "awesome" guy that i was dating when i was 19, i'd be married to the guy that continuously cheats on his current wife....definitely not a life i would have wanted!!

I say talk to your BFF (if that's what she is) and get the ENTIRE reason why she doesn't like him.

I've dated guys before and i didn't see some things that my friends saw...even though i was SOOO IN LOVE with him....friends have a clear view and the last thing you would want to hear IF anything negative was to happen was "well, i told you i didn't like him", or "we should have talked before now"....live and learn...