Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Moms and Maids
Moms and Maids
New Discussion
Options

Pregnant bridesmaid.... (maybe)....

KarinaK10KarinaK10 member
First Comment
in Moms and Maids
My friend and I have been very close since high school and last May when she got married I was her MOH. Well now that I am going to get married she assumed that she would be in my bridal party, she didny even ask me if I wanted her in the WP (I haven't even asked the rest of the girls I picked yet!) Anyways, the other day when we were on the phone she said that by the time the FI and I were get married she wanted to be 8 or 9 month pregnant. She took me by surpise! I have to admit that I am very happy for her! 

But ... Im afraid that in the end she will backing  out and say that she can't handle it. I told her that I could instead make her my PA and she got very very offended.  She said the following " Karina, seriously?!?I made you my MOH and you're going to knock my down to a PA?!? I am really hurt." 

 I told her my concers and she said she would be fine that she could handle it. That there was no reason for me to be worried. I feel forced to have in the WP. I feel like a pushover!

 During her wedding time she fought me about everything. She wanted my opinion and I would give it to her and she would be mad if I didn't agree with her. On the night before her wedding she took all ( and this is NOT an OVEREACTION) of my belongings and put them in the trash because I didn't arrive to her house fast enough. The day of the wedding I was not allowed to go near her only her PA's were. And I couldn't go near my FI because it was taking away from her shine.I am not trying to get even with her I am just trying to think of whats best for everyone. 

 Please tell me Im not going crazy here! 

Am I wrong or should I suck it up and be unhappy for feeling forced to have as a BM?? Any help would be nice. What would you do??? 

(Sorry this is sooo long)
Report Reply to Post
«1

Re: Pregnant bridesmaid.... (maybe)....

  • Options
    KnibletKniblet member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    She had PA's at her wedding?  Seriously?  Is she a celebrity?


    If you never asked her and she just assumed, you should have corrected her.  By not saying "I think there has been a misunderstanding.  I haven't chosen my bridal party yet", you let her become a BM.  Your silence led straight to this.

    If she wants to buy a dress and be a BM, pregnant or not, you have to let her do it now, since you never told her no.  And if she backs out, you have other BM's, right?  The wedding will still happen, with or without her.

    And other than standing up there that day, she doesn't really need to "do" anything, right?  What are you worried about her "not being able to handle"?




    vacation vacation vacation vacation
    It's almost here! Weeeeeeee!
    image
    my read shelf:
    Jaime's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
    43/70 books read

    Back in June 2010...
    Report Reply
  • Options
    lauraf1202lauraf1202 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_pregnant-bridesmaid-maybe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d4c22f96-27e6-4f8c-833f-03a69fee4b8fPost:beb22258-7dd4-4712-a5cd-1ec8a968f192">Pregnant bridesmaid.... (maybe)....</a>:
    [QUOTE]My friend and I have been very close since high school and last May when she got married I was her MOH. Well now that I am going to get married she assumed that she would be in my bridal party, she didny even ask me if I wanted her in the WP (I haven't even asked the rest of the girls I picked yet!) Anyways, the other day when we were on the phone she said that by the time the FI and I were get married she wanted to be 8 or 9 month pregnant. She took me by surpise! I have to admit that I am very happy for her!  But ... Im afraid that in the end she will backing  out and say that she can't handle it. I told her that I could instead make her my PA and she got very very offended.  She said the following " Karina, seriously?!?I made  you my MOH and you're going to knock my down to a PA?!? I am really hurt."   I told her my concers and she said she would be fine that she could handle it. That there was no reason for me to be worried. I feel forced to have in the WP. I feel like a pushover!  During her wedding time she fought me about everything. She wanted my opinion and I would give it to her and she would be mad if I didn't agree with her. On the night before her wedding she took all ( and this is NOT an OVEREACTION) of my belongings and put them in the trash because I didn't arrive to her house fast enough. The day of the wedding I was not allowed to go near her only her PA's were. And I couldn't go near my FI because it was taking away from her shine.I am not trying to get even with her I am just trying to think of whats best for everyone.   Please tell me Im not going crazy here!  Am I wrong or should I suck it up and be unhappy for feeling forced to have as a BM?? Any help would be nice. What would you do???  (Sorry this is sooo long)
    Posted by KarinaK10[/QUOTE]

    I don't really see that you've been "forced" to have her as a bridesmaid.  By you not explicitly setting the situation straight from the get-go, you allowed her to believe she was one. So, you have her as one... and that isn't anyone's fault but yours. 
    image
    Report Reply
  • Options
    KarinaK10KarinaK10 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
     When she has a cold she stops her whole life because she is "deathly ill" I can only imagine what crazy excuse she may come up with. I don't expect her to be extremly involved but I also wont care for her excuses at the time. I did however forget to mention that I told her I wasn't sure about having her in the WP and that with time we would get all that figured out. We got engaged last year in March but I wont start asking my girls until June. 
    Report Reply
  • Options
    marinabreezemarinabreeze
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think that you both were wrong from the get-go.  She shouldn't have asked about her role in the wedding. But you should've just let her know that you hadn't chosen your WP yet, and changed the subject. 

    You didn't have to make her MOH, but your reasoning was lame.  You were wrong for assuming that she wouldn't be able to handle being in the wedding if she were pregnant.  It's a big "if" anyway, because as far as you know she's not pregnant, and even if she were, she is an adult and can decide what she can and cannot handle.  Pregnancy is not an illness.

    Speaking of illness, how can you speak for how she feels if she gets ill or how she handles it?  I'm the same way when I get colds because I also have asthma, and if I don't stop everything to nip the cold in the bud, it leads to bronchitis and I end up in the hospital.

    And a PA?  Like "personal attendant," as in the slave labor but without the honor?  That's weak.  Besides, how does making her a PA show any "concern" about her hypothetical pregnancy?  I'm wondering if you're picking style over substance here.

    And btw, even though apparently PAs are common in your circle, they are not popular on TK.  Just a heads-up.

    Now beyond this, I'm a little confused by your posts, they seem kind of vague.  Is your friend currently a PA or a BM, or neither?  I hope she's not a PA because it's a crap job, not an honor.  Please don't do this.  If she's a BM, she only is required to get her BM dress, show up on the wedding day, participate and pose for pictures.   I don't see the problem.  And don't speak of not caring for her "excuses."  She's presumably a grown woman, not your child.  Beyond what is actually required, her time is hers and she can do with it as she wishes.

    If you did at any point allude to her being a BM, or didn't correct her when she assumed, she is a BM, and you can't renege now.  She sounds like she was a tool to you at her wedding, and that's wrong.  But she may have been upset for how you handled this situation.  It's not an excuse, just a possible explanation.  But you don't want to follow her lead going forward in your wedding.

    And if she does end up dropping out of the wedding, it is not the end of the world.  Uneven sides are fine, and it won't invalidate your marriage.  I have a feeling that this situation is more worry than it's worth.
    Wedding Photos and Vendor Recs 6 August 2011

    Wedding

    Report Reply
  • Options
    AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Why are you friends with someone who would put your belongings in a trashcan?  Maybe I'm too old (I'm 30) for this kind of drama, but I can't bother with people like this.

    Report Reply
  • Options
    AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Ditto to marina with her advice and ditto to Joy with why in the heck you are friends with this drama queen.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    SirJuliusVonHaastSirJuliusVonHaast
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If you don't feel close with her, and haven't led her to believe that she's already a bridesmaid, you don't have to make her one. Don't give her a lame position like PA or guestbook attendant. 
    Report Reply
  • Options
    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_pregnant-bridesmaid-maybe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d4c22f96-27e6-4f8c-833f-03a69fee4b8fPost:999fcc31-89b0-4fb2-9f1a-6b3a62602bae">Re: Pregnant bridesmaid.... (maybe)....</a>:
    [QUOTE]Why are you friends with someone who would put your belongings in a trashcan?  Maybe I'm too old (I'm 30) for this kind of drama, but I can't bother with people like this.
    Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

    How old are the two of you?
                       
    Report Reply
  • Options
    AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_pregnant-bridesmaid-maybe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d4c22f96-27e6-4f8c-833f-03a69fee4b8fPost:b7d75b30-0e30-4f0a-88cb-7bf6bd67d705">Re: Pregnant bridesmaid.... (maybe)....</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Pregnant bridesmaid.... (maybe).... : How old are the two of you?
    Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

    Me...?  Or the OP?  :-)

    Report Reply
  • Options
    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Joy- I am sure you are old enough to know better : )
    I wonder how old the op and her friend are.
                       
    Report Reply
  • Options
    McKenna2012McKenna2012 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_pregnant-bridesmaid-maybe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:d4c22f96-27e6-4f8c-833f-03a69fee4b8fPost:999fcc31-89b0-4fb2-9f1a-6b3a62602bae">Re: Pregnant bridesmaid.... (maybe)....</a>:
    [QUOTE]Why are you friends with someone who would put your belongings in a trashcan?  Maybe I'm too old (I'm 30) for this kind of drama, but I can't bother with people like this.
    Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

    Ditto this. I would have ended that friendship immediately, and this would be a non-issue for me.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker Photobucket
    Report Reply
  • Options
    deepcovejackiedeepcovejackie
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You both sound really high-maintenance.  Read the above posts, the lovely women giving you advice are correct.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    She doesn't sound like much of a friend. You don't have to have her in your wedding at all if you don't want to.

    I don't know what a "PA" is, but I'm sure it's more than you should be letting her do if she's that catty.

    At the same time, her being pregnant should have nothing to do with being in your wedding party.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    courtney1188courtney1188 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_pregnant-bridesmaid-maybe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d4c22f96-27e6-4f8c-833f-03a69fee4b8fPost:257cf6ec-c304-448a-a1d9-c38973c9f93c">Re: Pregnant bridesmaid.... (maybe)....</a>:
    [QUOTE]She doesn't sound like much of a friend. You don't have to have her in your wedding at all if you don't want to. I don't know what a "PA" is, but I'm sure it's more than you should be letting her do if she's that catty. At the same time, her being pregnant should have nothing to do with being in your wedding party.
    Posted by starbuckker[/QUOTE]

    A PA is a 'personal assistant', basically asking one of your friends to do the job of a day of coordinator, but they get the 'honor' of doing it for free.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_pregnant-bridesmaid-maybe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d4c22f96-27e6-4f8c-833f-03a69fee4b8fPost:d377c2a6-f67f-40eb-a9f7-63422720cb65">Re: Pregnant bridesmaid.... (maybe)....</a>:
    [QUOTE]Joy- I am sure you are old enough to know better : ) I wonder how old the op and her friend are.
    Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]


    hehe.

    Report Reply
  • Options
    KarinaK10KarinaK10 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    We are both 21. We sound like we are 13. She has always been a very big drama queen. Always. It was the worst around her wedding. She not like that so much now but she has her moments. And the fact of the matter is I don't want her as a bridesmaid! Its that simple. I really don't think it was ok for her to automatically make herself a BM. I would never have done that! And I do think its ok to have un even sides that just not what I was hoping for. But if thats the way it ends up working out then I guess so be it. I've had some time to think about this and I am still some what uncertain of how things will turn out. I have time to think about things yet. Thank you ladies for your very helpful advice!! Best of luck to you all!!! :)
    Report Reply
  • Options
    anna.oskaranna.oskar member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Please don't make people from South Dakota look bad.  I'm rather proud of being from this state filled with hard working, non-whining, salt of the earth.  :)

    Where are you from?
    image
    image
    My Fat Chick Blog
    Report Reply
  • Options
    anna.oskaranna.oskar member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I do have to say, you obviously have a tendency to over-react and After the lovely pm you sent me, I think you're a bitch.  My pp to you was not meant as an aggressive post or anything worth getting all defensive over.  I know it's often difficult to gauge tone of voice on a website so that's why i included a :) so you would presumable know it wasn't a serious OMG YOU'RE HORRIBLE comment.  Apparently not.  I also, only inquired as to your location out of genuine curiosity.  South Dakota isn't very populated and I've inquired of other brides and found that we actually already know each other or some of the same people. Good luck planning your wedding.  You might not want to fly off the handle at vendors or an officiate.  Then you really would make South Dakotans look bad. 

    For the record:  Thanks for noticing my wedding date.  I DID get married about 14 months ago and now am in the process of helping my sister plan her wedding.

    Have a nice day!



    image
    image
    My Fat Chick Blog
    Report Reply
  • Options
    GoodLuckBear14GoodLuckBear14 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Wow Anna.Oscar.  You were nice.  I tend to get bitchy with immature twats from Cincinnati who post and not one of them has felt the need to send a PM like this.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
    Report Reply
  • Options
    AllAboutTheBenjaminAllAboutTheBenjamin member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Anna is the shiit.
    panther
    Report Reply
  • Options
    anna.oskaranna.oskar member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_pregnant-bridesmaid-maybe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d4c22f96-27e6-4f8c-833f-03a69fee4b8fPost:6960c7d7-7bd6-40ed-9878-c11b546bfdda">Re: Pregnant bridesmaid.... (maybe)....</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow Anna.Oscar.  You were nice.  I tend to get bitchy with immature twats from Cincinnati who post and not one of them has felt the need to send a PM like this.
    Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

    i thought I was being nice-ish but I guess not.

    Love your Care Bear sig pic!
    image
    image
    My Fat Chick Blog
    Report Reply
  • Options
    [Deleted User][Deleted User]
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Well now I'm confused. Do I visit South Dakota to visit super awesome people like anna and have her feed me delicious food, or do I avoid it like the plague so I don't stumble across whiners and over-reacters? Anna, what do I do?
    Report Reply
  • Options
    msteph82msteph82 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Karina, your friends, family, etc are your life.  Your wedding =/= your life.   And bad-mouthing friends on a message board makes you out to be a 13 year old. 

    My MOH was trying to be pregnant for our wedding too and I couldn't have been happier.  

    Let it go and remember she is your friend first and your wedding comes second, or eighth.

    ~ Missie

    Welcome Baby Grace to the world! (via emergency c-section @ 38w2d)
    2/24/12 12:03pm 5lbs, 9oz Birth Story
    imageimageimage
    image image image
    Linky--> EP FB Group - March '12 FB Group <---Linky </b>
    Report Reply
  • Options
    Bkseller13Bkseller13 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You both sound pretty immature.  You don't HAVE to have her as a BM. Why she's even your friend is beyond me. If she's pregnant, she wouldn't be able to stand for 30 minutes for a ceremony and pose for pics for maybe an hour, but she would be able to run around for 2-3 hours before, a few hours during and an hour or so after as your PA?  Get real!
    Report Reply
  • Options
    jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    1. with the way she acted at her wedding, I probably would've ended that friendship anyways, which would've solved your problems now.

    2.  she was wrong to assume she was in the WP, but if you didn't want her to be, you should've mentioned something right away because now she's continuing to operate under that assumption.

    3.  pregnancy is not a disease that makes one incapable of standing for 20 min.

    4.  a PA is never necessary.  it's bitchwork, not an honor, and probably much more difficult for a pregnant woman to handle than standing...

    5.  you are both being incredibly immature about this and it's a wonder, with insignificant complaints like this, you feel you are mature enough to be getting married.
    Anniversary
    Report Reply
  • Options
    anna.oskaranna.oskar member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_pregnant-bridesmaid-maybe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d4c22f96-27e6-4f8c-833f-03a69fee4b8fPost:2e19f589-c8ac-4813-86a5-f2c3984acf54">Re: Pregnant bridesmaid.... (maybe)....</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well now I'm confused. Do I visit South Dakota to visit super awesome people like anna and have her feed me delicious food, or do I avoid it like the plague so I don't stumble across whiners and over-reacters? Anna, what do I do?
    Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]

    You visit me and then i will drive you to the areas the whiners live so that we can stare out the windows at them and then shun them.
    image
    image
    My Fat Chick Blog
    Report Reply
  • Options
    anna.oskaranna.oskar member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_pregnant-bridesmaid-maybe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d4c22f96-27e6-4f8c-833f-03a69fee4b8fPost:f76bfeb2-fe45-4592-971a-45723c92ed4a">Re: Pregnant bridesmaid.... (maybe)....</a>:
    [QUOTE]1. with the way she acted at her wedding, I probably would've ended that friendship anyways, which would've solved your problems now. 2.  she was wrong to assume she was in the WP, but if you didn't want her to be, you should've mentioned something right away because now she's continuing to operate under that assumption. 3.  pregnancy is not a disease that makes one incapable of standing for 20 min. 4.  a PA is never necessary.  it's bitchwork, not an honor, and probably much more difficult for a pregnant woman to handle than standing... 5.  you are both being incredibly immature about this and it's a wonder, with insignificant complaints like this, you feel you are mature enough to be getting married.
    Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

    i like you.  You come across as both to the point and practical.  You can come play in my treehouse any time.  I'll bring the cake.
    image
    image
    My Fat Chick Blog
    Report Reply
  • Options
    GoodLuckBear14GoodLuckBear14 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_pregnant-bridesmaid-maybe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:d4c22f96-27e6-4f8c-833f-03a69fee4b8fPost:6fe4a3e6-2521-4ad2-b324-bd13bab80563">Re: Pregnant bridesmaid.... (maybe)....</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Pregnant bridesmaid.... (maybe).... : i thought I was being nice-ish but I guess not. Love your Care Bear sig pic!
    Posted by anna.oskar[/QUOTE]

    Thanks.  TK has apparently now banned avatars so I had to put him somewhere.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
    Report Reply
  • Options
    lucy2113lucy2113 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Wow. This makes me laugh. Troll. I can smell it from here. Just, Wow.
    Holiday
    Report Reply
  • Options
    anna.oskaranna.oskar member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_pregnant-bridesmaid-maybe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d4c22f96-27e6-4f8c-833f-03a69fee4b8fPost:288727c4-bf96-44de-aeb4-2934ce96ca94">Re: Pregnant bridesmaid.... (maybe)....</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow. This makes me laugh. Troll. I can smell it from here. Just, Wow.
    Posted by TLK08[/QUOTE]

    How does this reek of troll?  Genuinely curious.
    image
    image
    My Fat Chick Blog
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards