Do I need to have a sit down with my mom?

hgminor

This is partially a vent, but also I need advice

Since I got engaged I feel like my mother has just been kinda "ehh" about things.  That's the best way I can think to describe her attitude.  We went venue shopping and she didn't really have anything to say to me or questions to ask them.  She told me later that it was all kind of overwhelming, which I totally understand.  But since then we've done other things, and she is still the same way.  They are helping pay for parts of the wedding (venue and food, i'm paying for some other parts, right now the dress and paper products) and I want her to be involved, but every time we hang to discuss wedding stuff I get kinda depressed that she doesn't seem happy or excited.  I've always been a daddy's girl, but my mom and I have never had any problems.  We are going to go shopping for a wedding dress this weekend, and I'm worried that she'll still be very passive about it, which will kinda ruin the experience.

I know I have this very idealic view of the wedding where my mom and I bond so much over all the planning stuff, but it's just sad to me that she seems to care more about her puppy than about helping me.

Do you think I should sit her down and voice my worries?  I'm hoping this weekend will be different and the dress will bring out her excitement or something, but if not, do I talk to her later about it?

Thanks for being my psychologists!

hgminor

I guess that's true.  And I actually have been doing a lot of stuff on my own, it's just that since they are paying for part of it I want them to feel like they are being heard and have a say.

Plus, as far as the dress is concerned, I've probably watched too many tv shows where the mom is there and I wanted that special moment where my mom sheds a little tear when she sees me in a dress... I just have high aspirations...

dem068

That is definitely sad that your mom isn't as excited as you want her to be.  sorry about that .   My mom is overly excited, which is also frustrating on the other end of the spectrum (I get many, many wedding related emails a day from her!)
But is there anyone else in your life that might want to do different wedding things with you and be really excited about them?  For example, my cousin loves flowers and is really excited about helping me pick them out, my aunt wanted to come wedding dress shopping so came with my mom and I, my MOH was unbelievably excited about cakes, so she came with us to look at cakes.  You would be surprised about how excited some people get about certain wedding things (I had quite a few friends ask if they could come wedding dress shopping, but I only wanted to go with my mom and aunt)

hgminor

TXKristan- I hadn't thought about it until you said this, but I know that when my mom got married (and her two sisters) my grandmother was a bit controlling.  Maybe my mom is trying to stay away from copying all of the stories she's told me about when they got married.

Yeah I think I need to back off a little (though I really don't think I was hounding her, just letting her know when I would get info from caterers, since they are covering that part) but I also might need to just let her know how I'm feeling, because I don't want to look back on things and have regrets about the way we interacted...

MairePoppy

I'm a recent MOB. I didn't want to be one of those mothers that we read about on The Knot - the type that take over and get upset if their daughters and FSILs plans don't match up perfectly with their ideas. So you could be describing me. DD called me when they had it narrowed down to two venues. I favored one because it would have been more convenient that the other for the guests, but I gave an objective, unemotional, brief opinion on what was good and bad about each venue. I was very happy about the wedding and loved hearing the details, but tried to not react too much until decisions were finalized.

My daughter invited me to go dress shopping with her-just the two of us. It was my favorite part of wedding planning. (that and the shower) I watched her try on beautiful white dresses for at least four hours. I wasn't bored at all. I didn't offer opinions other than positive ones on the dresses, for fear I might criticize 'the one.'

Your mom might be like me, worried about stepping on toes, happy to watch you plan the big day with your fi, but very quietly excited.  Or she might be the type that Retread describes. Moms are people, they are not all alike. Some aren't into party planning and girlie things. Others are. Be happy that she isn't pushing her opinion on you and trying to take over your wedding.

hgminor

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_do-i-need-to-have-a-sit-down-with-my-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d680e764-d833-488f-a101-7e5657062525Post:e4bb4df4-d4c9-41e1-98bd-04f98db3e39d">Re: Do I need to have a sit down with my mom?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm a recent MOB. I didn't want to be one of those mothers that we read about on The Knot - the type that take over and get upset if their daughters and FSILs plans don't match up perfectly with their ideas. So you could be describing me. DD called me when they had it narrowed down to two venues. I favored one because it would have been more convenient that the other for the guests, but I gave an objective, unemotional, brief opinion on what was good and bad about each venue. I was very happy about the wedding and loved hearing the details, but tried to not react too much until decisions were finalized. My daughter invited me to go dress shopping with her-just the two of us. It was my favorite part of wedding planning. (that and the shower) I watched her try on beautiful white dresses for at least four hours. I wasn't bored at all. I didn't offer opinions other than positive ones on the dresses, for fear I might criticize 'the one.' Your mom might be like me, worried about stepping on toes, happy to watch you plan the big day with your fi, but very quietly excited.  Or she might be the type that Retread describes. Moms are people, they are not all alike. Some aren't into party planning and girlie things. Others are. Be happy that she isn't pushing her opinion on you and trying to take over your wedding.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

<div>Thank you for your insight.  As a recent MOB, do you think I should talk to my mom about it?  I really don't want to make her feel bad, but I also want to understand better what is going on in her head, whether its that she isn't that excited (maybe inspired is a better word, I know she's excited I'm getting married, both she and my dad LOVE my fiance and she's been pushing us to get married for two years at least) or if it's because she doesn't want to be pushy.  </div>

MairePoppy

If you tell your mom that her opinions are welcome, how will you feel if she doesn't agree with your suggestions? My daughter can be sensitive sometimes, so it was prudent for me to be non-committal. If you're open to suggestions, let her know that. Don't have a sit down, though, or make a big deal of it.

Your mom could also be worried about the expense of the wedding, since she is covering a substantial part of the costs. It might help if you let her know that you will respect her limits.

lyndsay782

My mom isn't really interested either, and I only talk about the wedding plans when they ask.  Which still leads her into "your church should just donate everything" thought pattern.  They aren't contributing any money, so it's not like they have a say in anything, but she likes to offer her "money saving" ideas anyway.

My mom and I have some other issues, and she doesn't quite grasp that some of the things she's said in the past have hurt.  She kind of likes to insult me in those passive agressive ways that really damage one's self esteem over time.  I don't really want her coming on the dress shopping adventures, and she doesnt want to either. She's still convinced that I should just "rent" a dress, and not care if it fits.  She thinks I'm "too old" for a wedding, and that since I'm old, wedding pictures don't really matter or anything.   

That being said, she is my mother, and I still want to try and include her.  So I plan on extending invitations, and leaving the options open.  That way I can at least say I tried. 

cescamom

I am a MOB (the planning has been going on since a year ago for this August), and you've had some great insights already.  But as far as having a sit down, you should probably approach this as you would anything else with your mother.  If you have a communication style that requires a sit down, then go for it.  If your mother is usually open to suggestions, then instead of a sit down, why not make a list of what you would love for her to be involved in and let her choose her top picks?  She may be more excited if she feels less overwhelmed, especially if she feels like she gets to decide. 

An acquaintance told me that as a MOB your role is to support your daughter.  Aha!  That will take many forms.  Maybe your mother equates support with NOT controlling.