Moms and Maids

Uninterested Mother??

I've got an interesting situation-a Mother who doesn't care for weddings, wedding planning or any of the celebrations that come with a wedding. 

She's been a "tough love" mother my whole life. I knew growing up that even though she makes good money, my fiance and I would be the ones paying for the wedding. I got engaged in December 2012 and she offered me 1K to elope. That's not what I want and told her so-I did thank her for the offer and suggested maybe she could help me out with picking and perhaps contributing the 1K to buying my wedding dress. She'll "think about it."

I talked to her yesterday and she's critized me for inviting her family, family friends that she doesn't know but I've known for years and love dearly, and also about even HAVING a wedding.  She is not going to throw us an engagement party because...it's just not her "thing." She loves throwing parties. She's just not interested in wedding related parties. She's not going to help with the bridal shower, she is not even interested in coming with me to go dress shopping. 

I understand she's concerned about becoming involved when she's not picking up the bill and how that's perceived by others, but at the end of the day, if a daughter wants her mom's support, shouldn't her mom be able to put aside her frustrations and be there when she's needed?

I've tried to express to her how important it is to me that she not critique every thing about my wedding and also how much I'd love her to come with me to just ONE boutique when the time comes to try on dresses. 

Am i wrong?  Should I just let her be and go dress shopping by myself?  Should I take her out of the wedding and just have her be a guest like everyone else?  I don't know how to get her interested and I don't want to be fighting with her until the day comes...in August of 2014.

Any advice???

Re: Uninterested Mother??

  • If she's truly uninterested, I'd suggest just treating her as a guest (easy for me to say, I know, but probably for the best?) Perhaps you could go to try on dresses with your bridesmaids or with your FMIL if you're close? Try to keep the lines of communication open, but don't beat your head against a wall if she's not going to meet you at least a little. Sounds like more heartache than it's worth.
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_uninterested-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:d78edaa1-6c95-430e-ae02-8b2ee9faea81Post:a9930fe8-47b6-4d9d-9b46-500dc1f91f0a">Re: Uninterested Mother??</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree with pp.  Stop sharing wedding plans with her, yo'u're setting yourself up for disappointment.  It will just feel negative to you.  In the long run, she misses out, but you can't make her participate.
    Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]



    This.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I agree with PPs. If your mother isn't interested in shopping for your wedding dress, invite your MOH, an aunt or your FMIL along. You don't have to miss out on the fun stuff, just because your mom isn't in to weddings.
                       
  • I'm sorry that your mother is being so emotionally remote. That truely sucks. My mother did something similar for our wedding, only coming out of the woodwork to criticize me on occassion. But you have to realize that you cn't control her. The more you try, the more she'll lash at you, and the more you hurt yourself. Stop sharing wedding details with her, don't count on money at all, and let your friends and other fill that emotional void. You are looking to the wrong person, and punishing yourself as a result.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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    Anniversary

  • I feel your pain, the only time my mother talks wedding with me is usually to criticize my plans.  So guess what?  I don't talk about it with her.  At all.  It's frustrating, and I wish all the time that I could do this stuff with her, but it's just not going to happen.  Silver lining?  I've gotten much closer with my FMIL and FSIL, because they are all kinds of in to it and supportive.
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  • PP's have given you good advice.

    If your wedding isn't until 2014, I really don't see what she's supposed to do at this time. you have more than a year to go so dress shopping and wedding details are nothing exciting yet.

    She'll probably come around when you're closer to your date.
  • Thats very tough!

    My mom wasnt in to the whole wedding planning at first. She kept trying to convince me to do a destination wedding so it can be quick and cheaper. I kept arguing with her about how I have always dreamed of planning a wedding and having all of my friends and family involved.

    My mom has finally came around and is actually starting to enjoy the planning with me. She is asking me about details and helping me pick vendors.

    Id sit down with your mom and talk to her about what you want and dream. Ask for her support even if she isnt a fan. Tell her how important it is to you.
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  • OP, I share your pain. Here's a little back story.. i will try to keep things short.. 

    I once had a close(ish) relationship with my mother, spoke once every other day over the phone or so.  And then she started to realize that I wasn't going to end things with my then boyfriend simply because he didn't make  the kind of money that they deemed adequate. I'd been with my then boyfriend now FI for about 4 years, and mentioned something about marrying him one day. She told me "I was too old for a wedding" (I was only 27 when that happened).  I knew then that I was on my own for the wedding fund.  Which was fine, but I hoped she would at least be slightly interested in talking about it once it actually happened.  

    And it did.  Took a couple more years, but it did. So now at the "anchient" age of 30, I'm engaged.  She called me a day or so after I left my parents a message to tell them the FH had proposed, and she asked me if I'd chosen a date. I told her I had, and she basically wished me luck and in no uncertain terms, told me I was paying on my own, partially because my fiancee and I are born again Christians and my parents are non practicing Catholics. 

    Since that phone call, she has not called me on her own once.  I've called her when she didn't respond to my email (i gave it 5-6 days) asking for addresses, and she said she'd look for them.  Never did.  I had to google everyone for the save the dates.  That last call was around January 14th.  I've tried leaving a message here or there to say hi, and nothing gets returned.  I've reached the point where I've given up.  She didn't respond to my invitation to go with me to try on dresses and hasn't communicated beyond the very rare text message.  

    I'm at a loss what to do.  I'm trying to do things the right way and marry my fiancee after being together for 6 years.  I've been the one leading the communication this whole time, and I've reached the end of my rope.  She won't even call me to talk about nonwedding stuff. My mother will be a guest at my wedding, but at this point I'm not planning on her going to any prewedding events.  Will I keep trying, yes, but if she can't make it, then at least I tried.  

    My advice to you OP is to do what I'm doing.  You can extend the invitation, but find some girlfriends or bridal party members to go with you.  My FMIL is super excited to go, and loves me like I'm her daughter already. I plan to take people who will be part of a positive experience, and who won't make me feel bad about myself.  I love my mom, but I can't handle the negativity she brings with her.  


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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_uninterested-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d78edaa1-6c95-430e-ae02-8b2ee9faea81Post:2cfb2d5d-f5bf-49f3-8e1c-a9ec937a4d1c">Re: Uninterested Mother??</a>:
    [QUOTE]"I was too old for a wedding" (I was only 27 when that happened) I got that one, too.  I'm sorry that happened to you.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I'm sorry it happened to someone else.  Out of all the underhanded things I've heard from my mom, that's the one I kind of get a chuckle about.  She was married to my Dad at 19, so to her, any one married by 25 is "too old" for a wedding...</div><div>
    </div><div>And by anyone, I mean me.  My cousin who was married at 32, perfectly fine.  Me married at 31, I must have to use a walker to take me down the aisle...  </div><div><div>
    </div></div>
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