Moms and Maids

Mom issues

So, I'm currently in the middle of a stressful situation.  My parents (I suspect strongly driven by my mother) have offered to pay 100% for the wedding.  I am grateful that they offered, but I am now very glad that I haven't accepted money from them yet.

I said that my parents "offered".  Well, perhaps a better term would be "demanded".  They refused help outright from my fiance's family.  Apparently, they hold on to the super traditional (and outdated, in my humble opinion) idea that this is their party and they have the right to host it.  All of this would be fine by me if certian other key elements didn't go along with this view.  Because my parents see it as their party, they are not taking into consideration what I want.  They are insisting that I have an hours deorves only wedding.  From what I understand (they've tended to not answer my questions directly) it isn't about the money, but about the image that is presented.  My parents are very religious and don't want people (or me, I suppose) to focus so much on the party that we forget about the actual marriage, so they want to keep things extremely low key.  However, I have a slightly different view of things.  I am religious as well (just a bit less rigourous than they are), and I fully understand that the marriage is the most important element.  But I also would like our families to share a meal.  It can be takeout, for all I care.  But it just won't seem like my wedding if there isn't a meal.

But the big thing that gets me is they are trying to exclude my fiance COMPLETELY out of the process.  And I mean completely.  They honestly believe that he should just give us his family's guest list, get his tux and his groomsmen and show up.  I think that this wedding is OURS, not just mine and that I want him to feel a part of the event, but I don't know how to tell them that.  I'd like his opinion simple things, such as which apatizers he likes best.  But my parents refuse to even let him come.

Now, I know that people are going to tell me to just pay for it ourselves.  On one level that is really appealing to me.  On the other hand, I don't want to exclude my parents like that, because I'm afraid that they will refuse to come or sit through the wedding expressing their disapproval at every turn.  I feel torn in two.  Am I asking for too much?  Am I being a Bridezilla because I want my fiance involved and would like a meal?  Are my parents being resonable in their demands that they pay and control the entire thing?  I've been very confused and upset for the last few days and would really like some advice.

Re: Mom issues

  • edited December 2011
    Your parents aren't being reasonable. You aren't being a bridezilla. You aren't asking too much.

    If they would not come to their daughter's wedding because she wanted to pay for it then there is honestly something wrong with them. If you let them control everything and leave your fiance and his whole family out of every aspect of this then a major riff will be caused between your husband and your family. I think the best option is for you to pay for it yourselves, have the wedding you want, and if your parents don't come because they lacked any control then that is sad and very much their loss. Honestly though I think they will still come. Many people on here say that their parents threatened not to come if XYZ didn't happen and many of them called their bluff... and you know what? The parents came.

    You don't want any animosity between you and your fiance, you and your future in-laws, and your family and his. Because if they act like this and don't let anybody have a say in anything... that is exactly what will happen.
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  • jolla92126jolla92126 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Money with strings is not worth it.

    Pay for it yourselves. Don't share details or ask their opinions beforehand. Invite your parents as guests. Enjoy the party.

    Is it hardass to exclude your mom? Not if she's bulldozing you; in that case, it's healthy boundry setting.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d7e013aa-275a-44a0-9532-a3ab613f2992Post:5eab8b56-919e-4ddc-b3a8-7251d1064d4e">Re: Mom issues</a>:
    [QUOTE]You don't want any animosity between you and your fiance, you and your future in-laws, and your family and his. Because if they act like this and don't let anybody have a say in anything... that is exactly what will happen.
    Posted by 4LeafClover3[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>This is already happening.  My fiance is angry at my parents for being so stubborn and I'm sure my fiance's family (who is mostly out of state) is feeling very left out, hurt and possibly angry. My view is that a marriage is a marriage between two families, not just two people.  As a result, regardless of monetary involvement, everyone should feel included, but ultimately the day is about me and my fiance.  Right?

    </div>
  • kaitlyn&henrykaitlyn&henry member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    money with string is NOT WORTH IT....take it from me who accepted money from parents who only gave it with the same thoughts your parents are having. The only way to really be able to have 100% what you want is to pay yourself.

    planning my wedding has been hell with my parents paying...so my advice say thank you but no thank you and save yourself a lot of arguments
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Your parents are being unreasonable.Let them know that the wedding is just as important to your fi's family as it is to them. Tell them that your fi's parents would like to be included and are willing to pitch in $$ (that's what they meant, right?) and you and fi would like to do the same. Let them know they are damaging their relationship with their fsil, by excluding him from his own wedding plans.

    If they refuse to play nicely, then you should turn down their offer and pay for it yourselves.
                       
  • edited December 2011
    Maybe you could give them certain things to pay for if they were willing to go with you and your FI's wishes. Like they could pay for the DJ and they cake for instance, or pay for the dress that you choose. Something where they don't have much wiggle room and you can already tell them what it is that your choosing.
    My parents are taking care of my dress and a portion of the photographer, his family is paying for the cake and rehersal dinner...the rest is us. I feel that this gives them perameters and so far it's going well. The key is to stay 2 steps ahead of them, so when they come to you with ideas that they want to do, you tell them that you already know what you have your heart set on. Nobody wants to tell you that you can't have something you have your heart set on to have their idea instead.
    Be firm but pleasant. Good luck!
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  • edited December 2011
    So I have a follow up question: How do I tell my traditional parents that this day should be about me and my fiance without sounding like an entitled brat?
  • vicki0508vicki0508 member
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    NWR - did you really march with an oboe?

    It's your wedding, making it about you doesn't make you an entitled brat.  When you start plugging your ears and stomping your feet to get your way, then it tends to get a little on the bratty side.
  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I'm a 3 time MOB here and the only zilla I see in this picture is your parents.

    You tell them exactly what you have said here and you go into it not "asking" them to let you pay  for it, you TELL them you are paying for it.

    The bottom line is this:  This is your FI's day as much as it is yours.  This is a day that changes your life and he is just supposed to show up while they make this all about them?

    You are going to need to put those big girl panties on and deal with this head on.  You can explain that you are grateful that they are generously offering to pay for the wedding but you find the terms and the strings attached unacceptable.

    If they threaten not to attend who are you going to stand by?  Your FI or your parents?  Your parents are the only ones being unreasonable here and it's your job to stop it.  If they threaten it - tell them they will be missed.

    My guess is after a couple of months of them not being able to bully you around, they will suck it up and come.
  • edited December 2011
    vicki - No I didn't.  It was sort of a running joke in marching band.  I saw a pin at a competition and found it hilarious, since I marched with a flute for marching season, but switched to oboe (my main love) during concert season.  It became my screenname, since it's basically guarenteed not o be taken :D

    kmmssg - thank you so much for your reply.  You clearly wrote down all the thoughts that are swirling around in my head.  Big girl panties are on!
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