Moms and Maids

I feel hurt/snubbed

My sister-in-law/best friend is hosting my bridal shower and bachelorette party. Both parties are coming up pretty soon, and invitations were sent out a while ago with a fast approaching rsvp by date. Not a single member of my fiance's family has responded. I recently asked his sister if they received the invitations and if they were planning on coming, and she kind of did this "Oh, I don't know.......... hey, there's a kitty!" quick subject change.

I already have been feeling hurt by their actions since the wedding planning started. They've been telling me who to invite (distant cousins they rarely speak to, neighbors of his parents that my fiance doesn't know, random people from their church, etc). They've had comments on how I should decorate (they haven't like any of my ideas because they're too simple and not "classic wedding"), what I should/should not wear (only long dresses are acceptable, according to FMIL), who I should have in the bridal party, and they even said colors I picked were "tacky and not tasteful".

Basically, they have had a lot of negative things to say, and have not once offered to throw me a bridal shower, bachelorette party, do anything nice for me and my fiance, they haven't offered to help pay for anything they've "requested" (although it was more like demanded). I don't EXPECT them to do anything or pay for anything.... but if you're going to make a lot of requests and demands for what YOU want in MY wedding, it seems fair that you would help pay for some of it. It would also be nice if they offered to throw one of the parties.. even just as a gesture to say they like me and are happy I'm joining the family.. they haven't even TOLD ME they like me.

I'm starting to feel like his family is just using me and the generosity of my parents to pay for all of this. It feels like they don't really care about me or my role in all of this, they're really just concerned with how many of their family members they can squeeze into the wedding to have their family reunion (his mom has more than once referred to the wedding as her reunion).

I feel unwelcome, snubbed, hurt.. disappointed. I wish I could call the whole thing off and just elope instead. They were welcoming and friendly before we got engaged, and then the wedding planning started and everything changed. I promise you I have not been a bridezilla.. I've been super calm and accomodating to a point, I don't see a point in stressing out over dresses and flowers.

I guess the question now is.. if they don't show up, and they don't have a good reason for not coming, would it be okay for me to express how their actions lately have made me feel? I haven't talked to my fiance about this yet. He is frustrated that his family hasn't rsvp'd to these parties OR to our wedding (tangent: that's another thing.. nobody from his family has rsvp'd to the wedding, I think everyone thinks it's a come and go as you please event, partly because that's how his mom has made it seem to people...) but I haven't expressed to him yet that I feel unwelcome by his mother and sister.

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Re: I feel hurt/snubbed

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    If your FI family is not contributing anything to the wedding then you have no obligation to listen to or do what they are telling you.  If they really want certain things at the wedding then they should fork over the money, but until that happens just keep planning with your parents and just polite ignore their nasty comments.

    As for saying something to them if they do not attend your bridal/bach party, I think you shouldn't.  That could just cause more of an issue.  Remember, just because you are marrying into this family does not mean that you have to like or become friends with all the members.  As long as your FI has your back with situations like this that is all that matters.  Just ignore their comments and concentrate on just the two of you and your wedding.

  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm sorry that your FI's family has not been welcoming to you since your engagement. 

    If they are not paying for any of the wedding, just ignore their requests.  Just say you either already have that figured out or that you haven't thought that far ahead.  Just change the subject when they talk about things they want for the wedding.

    Don't worry if FI's family does not attend any pre-wedding parties.  It is their loss.  Remember they are not mandatory.  They don't have to throw you one or attend one.  I would discuss with FI about how you feel distant from FMIL and ask if he has any suggestions as to how you can bring your relationship back to how it was pre-engagement.  Weddings bring out the crazy in people.  Hopefully after the wedding, your relationship with FMIL will get back to how it used to be.

    When the RSVP by date passes for wedding itself.  You and FI will have to track down all of the non-responses to get a nailed down answer from them.  FI should handle his family and you should handle yours.  You have about 5 weeks left, so your RSVP by date should have about 3 weeks left on it.  Don't worry about the non-responders until after the RSVP by date.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I think it's okay to ask your Fi why his mom and sister aren't welcoming you into the family. He may have some insight into their behaviour. He is the one you should talk to, not your FMIL and FSIL. Expressing your disappointment directly to them will make you look whiney and they will put a spin on it that won't put you in a good light.

    It's not appropriate to quiz any would be guest on why they declined an invitation. So, if your FMIL and FSIL decline the shower or other invitations, the best course of action is absolute silence. Do not mention it to them or discuss the party that they missed. They will get the hint.

    When the RSVP date for the wedding passes, Fi should call all those on his side that have not responded.

    Since they are not paying for any part of the wedding, you may kindly ignore their suggestions. Don't let them spoil your wedding. Your family is supportive, right? Enjoy your celebration with the people who care about you.

  • I'm sorry you're having a bad experience with your future in-laws. It sounds like your pre-wedding parties may be more enjoyable without them. Take time to relax and celebrate with friends and family who are more supportive. I agree with PP to just let it go if they decide not to come to the pre-wedding parties. 

    If they are not contributing to the wedding you don't need to listen to their advice about decorations, etc. Maybe you should use the sister's "..oh look there's a kitty" strategy when they bring it up. If they make a comment/request about the comfort/well being of guests, it may be worth some consideration, but as host you/your family makes the decisions.

     The wedding RSVP thing is annoying. Some people are just flaky like that. If it comes up in conversation your fiance can mention to FMIL the importance of having exact numbers of guests attending. My FMIL has been very helpful (without our suggestion) in communicating to other RSVP challenged family members the importance of returning their RSVP cards. Otherwise, it unfortunately sounds like he will be making a lot of phone calls after the RSVP deadline.

    Good luck!
  • Tell your fiance how you feel, just so he understands what his family's treatment of you is doing to you, and he can address it with them.

    If I were you, I would not approach them to be all "hey, you guys hurt my feeeeeeelings" because honestly, the entire point of their behavior is to hurt your feelings.  What, exactly, do you think would be accomplished by telling people who are intentionally trying to hurt you that they've succeeded?
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