MY TROUBLED MIL

SusieT20

I need honest advice! I will try to make it short. 

Background: I have been with my bf for 3 years. We've talked about marriage and we are in the process of buying a house. He is 27 years old and he has never spent X-mas away from home. Every x-mas Eve we go to my family's house, and the rest of the night we spend it at his parents house. For 3 years we have done it this way. So far, I did not have any problems with his mom. She is a very jealous person though. But I have tried very hard to maintain the respect between her and I.

Here's the problem: This past Thanksgiving, we stayed at his parents house. As we were leaving, she thought we were gone, but we had forgotten something at his house, so we went back into the house. As we waked in, my bf and I heard her say (in spanish) nasty things about me, and how I was so lazy and I should've cleaned her sons room. She knew we caught her, and she just walked into her room without saying a word. I was so upset, and I shared this with my bf. I did not blow up! The next morning my bf tells me, he talked to her and she cried telling him she was sorry. Now, X-mas is coming up and I refuse to go to his house. She has not once called me to apologized. Why would I embarrassed myself going to her house? If she was really sorry, shouldn't she apologize? Now, my bf thinks, that since I refuse to go to her house, I should go to my family's house, while he goes to his. 

We have been arguing about this for the past few days, but I gave him almost a month to come up with a solution or I was not going! 

Am I crazy for expecting an apology from her? Shouldn't we stick together? I would never go somewhere where he is not welcomed. 

Please help!

 

MairePoppy

Of course she should apologize to you, but it's probably not going to happen. She is probably embarrassed. Or she may be as stubborn as my MIL, who in the 35 years I have know her, has never apologized for anything or admitted making a mistake. In other words, don't hold your breath.

If you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who takes his mother's side over yours, than you should stick with him. You're not engaged yet, why not find someone who will put you first in his life?

SusieT20

No we are not engaged. But we have talked about getting married next year. I have discussed this with several friends that are married and they all tell me not to expect an apology. I have seen how a mother-in-law can destroy a family (my gradnma), and I strongly believe that if I give in, she will never learn to respect me. And I have never been rude or disrespectful to her. My bf swears he will never let it happen again, but yet, he is unable to fix this problem. I already gave him an ultimatum, and told him, he either sticks with my decision or we are over. The only way I will be spending X-mas with him and his family is if she calls and apologizes.  

I appreciate your response, and this problem may not be as big as other stories I have heard, but I know that if things don't get fixed from the beginning... She will make my life a living hell!

MairePoppy

I agree with you. If you don't stand up to her, it's not going to change. The problem is that your boyfriend should be standing beside you, but he is not. What does that say to his mother? That she is the prima donna in his life, right now.

You shouldn't give ultimatums, unless you are prepared to follow through. If you plan to stay in this relationship, get some counseling for the two of you.

simplestlife

I highly doubt she is going to apologize. If she's speaking badly of you to people in the family she might be hoping to find a way to get rid of you. You are basically giving her a reason to talk your boyfriend out of proposing to you. And from the sound of it, getting away from this situation might be a good thing.

em01092

If your BF won't stand up to his mother for you now, it will only get worse.

If it's bothering you this much, maybe one day you should pull her aside or call her up and say, "Let's get this elephant out of the room, shall we? I know that you know I heard what you said about me and it really hurt my feelings, but I want to put it past us." See where it goes. 

LittleMissCutiePie

I doubt she will apologize. Here's my advice: Spend Christmas with your fam, and he can spend it with his. This is not saying you should break up. What I think you should do, is the next time she sees you and she asks you why you weren't at Christmas, or if she asks your BF, let her know you felt disrespected. Make sure you tell her first that you won't be there, though. Don't just let her set you a place at the dinner table and be watching the door.

afeliz79

You should have cleaned the room.

RaptorSLH

Before you buy a house together, talk to a lawyer about what happens if you two break up without marriage laws to protect you.

thousandtrees

I would say talk to your BF about how it hurt your feelings (both her behaviour and his lack of support), but to her face, kill her with kindness. As a PP said, be the saintly future daughter in law and serenely let her crap just fade away behind you. You can't control her behaviour, but you can control how it affects you. 

Don't clean his room though. He's a big boy. Unless he's a man-child, in which case, re-evaluate!

ArynBaker

My MOH has had similiar situations. Her and her bf are not engaged yet and his mother pretty much openly hates her, and for reasons like she doesn't always do his laundry for him. The difference is he openly stands up for his gf. In front of both my MOH and his mother he told his mom that he doesn't need or want his gf to do his laundry for him all the time, that he can do it himself. The fact that MOH and her bf are united in their relationship has made it much easier for her to deal with future MIL. Also, I think over years of her son standing up for his gf, MIL is starting to respect and maybe even like my MOH. As PPs said, you won't stand a chance against the mother unless you and your bf are united. Once you are, it may take awhile, but you and your MIL could have a nice relationship one day. 

Queen Jane

He needs to be standing up for you. My MIL is a manipulative, selfish, AWing piece of work. H has my back every single time there is an issue. I can't imagine how it would work any other way. I would feel so trapped and alone if we were not on the same page.

hootmc

So What happened, what did you do??

SusieT20

Thank you all for your advice. Actually we did talk and we cleared a lot of things. She says she will not get involved in our lives again. I want to believe that this will not happen again. I love my bf and besides this problem, we couldn't be anymore perfect for each other. Thank you all!

jmconley08

Yea, I'd be more mad at my FI than at the FMIL. If he doesn't stand up for you now he never will. Good luck.