In law problems

greyhoundgirl24

So, opinion question.I've read the threads about the MOB/MOG dresses and how the bride can't dictate what they wear.  That's cool. But does the bride have a right to be pissed when the MOG asks her what she prefers, and bride answers (no bridal party colors or white). And later the MOG buys the exact color the bride asked her not to buy, and tells her son that the bride's lying and never told her that color was off limits?

I really don't care what she wears, and she's going to look stupid and that's not a reflection on me. What does bother me is this is no less than the 5th time that MOG has asked me about something, and then asked fiance the same thing and said we never had a discussion about it. It's putting a serious strain on my relationship with him, and I'm at my wit's end. (the last fight, he said he belives me, but it's a he said/she said so he can't fight his family about it!)

I've been dealing with a nasty, condecending attitude from his family for months (everything we've decided on for the wedding we are paying for ourselves is either expenseive, stupid, or wrong because it's not what his family does). I'm at the point where I don't feel I can have any type of relationship with people who blatently disrespect me and us as a couple, and who have called me a liar.

Do we have a chance in the future? Because we are both really struggling..

Maggie0829

Stop talking about your wedding plans with your FMIL...easy as that.  If she doesn't know what you are planning then she can't comment on it.

As far as her dress, as long as it is not the same dress the BMs are wearing then it isn't a big deal...yeah I would be pissed if she asked about colors but in the end it won't really matter because you won't be in that many pictures with her anyway.

The bigger issue here is your FI.  Does he back you up when your FMIL calls you a liar?  If not and he sides with his Mom on everything then you have a big problem on your hands...because after you get married he won't stop being a mama's boy overnight.  I think not talking to her about the wedding anymore (especially since she isn't paying for it) will help you and your FI relationship a lot...take the thing that stresses you both out of the equation and you should be fine.  Of course this approach will only work for right now, but for the future you and your FI need to sit down and figure out a way that you both agree on with dealing with his Mother.

Good luck!

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_law-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:da380055-3cbc-457b-b4dc-81361405944dPost:d65602d3-6749-46a7-85f6-54213a57747f">In law problems</a>:
[QUOTE]So, opinion question.I've read the threads about the MOB/MOG dresses and how the bride can't dictate what they wear.  That's cool. But does the bride have a right to be pissed when the MOG asks her what she prefers, and bride answers (no bridal party colors or white). And later the MOG buys the exact color the bride asked her not to buy, and tells her son that the bride's lying and never told her that color was off limits? I really don't care what she wears, and she's going to look stupid and that's not a reflection on me. What does bother me is this is no less than the 5th time that MOG has asked me about something, and then asked fiance the same thing and said we never had a discussion about it. It's putting a serious strain on my relationship with him, and I'm at my wit's end. (the last fight, he said he belives me, but it's a he said/she said so he can't fight his family about it!) I've been dealing with a nasty, condecending attitude from his family for months (everything we've decided on for the wedding we are paying for ourselves is either expenseive, stupid, or wrong because it's not what his family does). I'm at the point where I don't feel I can have any type of relationship with people who blatently disrespect me and us as a couple, and who have called me a liar. <strong>Do we have a chance in the future? Because we are both really struggling..
</strong>Posted by greyhoundgirl24[/QUOTE]

Depends on how your H reacts.. The fact that he refuses to get involved is something you should be concerned about, because that won't change after the wedding.

graysquirrel

I agree with pp. If you have not done so already, have a sit-down with FI and tell him how you feel. Explain to him that as his wife you will need support. If he is choosing to believe his mother over you, then you do have something to work out. In situations with in-laws, it should be your FI going to bat for the both of you. It never works for the new family member to have to stand up for stuff or call someone out. He needs to protect your honor and feelings. 

If your FMIL wants to talk wedding, change the subject or give vague answers-- this is known as the bean dip method around here. If she asks about your flowers or something, find something else to shift the subject to, like her garden. The person who pays gets the say-- she has no right to lambast what you do if she isn't paying for it. 

greyhoundgirl24

He had been refusing to get involved for months because he's always under stress and it's never a good time. He admitted to me on the phone (he's away for 4 months for business) that he's been avoiding his family since the most recent blow up because he can't handle the stress. My response was pretty much that i'd been handling things his way and it wasn't working, so now we're handling it my way. And me handling it definitely didn't work because now his brother and cousin have gotten involved, and said all my issues are lies and never happened (they weren't there to know anyway).

i've tried explaining how I feel, and he says he sees where I'm coming from but doesn't always agree, and especially not with the strength of my reaction.  I feel he just tries to appease everyone. He says it's all about the big picture, so if being nice and not causing waves gets what we want, who cares? i feel the big picture is we will spend the rest of our lives justifying our actions over and over again, and if you stand up to it now, you have the chance to stop it before it becomes the precedence in our marraige.

And I don't talk to his family about the wedding (they live 8 hrs away) The few times I've seen them and had the convo's mentioned above, they were all in person. He talks to them on the phone, and tells me. So i've requested that he not speak to me about them at all.  But it's gotten to the point we are going to try to start counseling (hard with him being away) because I know his family isn't going away.

MairePoppy

If you are having doubts about the future of your marriage, you should put the plans on hold. You and your fi should go for relationship counseling. The two of you need to learn a way to set boundaries with his mom and his family.

As far as the wedding, the problem is that you are sharing your plans with people who are not interested in being supportive. Stop doing that. If your FMIL asks for information, have her son give it to her.

To me, the color of her dress isn't the issue. Accusing you of lying, though, is a big deal.

covejack

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_law-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:da380055-3cbc-457b-b4dc-81361405944dPost:aed9c950-36f0-46c3-b3ba-4526e54fb59f">Re: In law problems</a>:
[QUOTE]You have a right to be majorly pissed at your fiance.  He can't avoid the problems his mother is causing just because it's inconvenient.  It's really wrong of him to leave you in a lurch with a mess to clean up.  After the wedding, stuff's not going to change.  He needs to learn to stick up for his wife and handle HIS family pronto.
Posted by KindaSparkly[/QUOTE]

Nods head.

zitiqueen

It's time to decide whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life like this,  because this is how the rest of your life will be. If you decide yes, you're okay with your FI always putting you last, you never get to complain about it again. You are 100% aware of the life you're signing up for.

daniellejohnhardin

My FSIL had a similar problem and to this day, she still does. On her wedding day, her MIL wore white....talk about a slap in the face. She and her husband had a mobile trailer on her MIL property until they were able to move out, and every day, her MIL would walk into their home. No knock, just walked in. Didn't mater what my FSIL was doing. They have been married for about 2 1/2 years now and her relationship with her MIL is still strained. At one point, there was a major free-for-all between the two and lucky for my SIL, her husband did take her side and tried to fix the situation. They have sinced moved and she couldn't be happier.

I would say that it's wrong for the cousin and brother to get involved. It's between you and your FMIL. You need to sit down with her and fix the issues before you get married. Your FI should also be a little more helpful with the situation. Yes, he's stressed out, but I think that if he doesn't try to fix it now his stress will become even more.

And if all else fails, make sure next time you talk to her about anything, have your FI with you, that way he can back you up next time she plays "forgetful".

Hope it all works out.

jmconley08

FI needs to back you up 100% He should fight with his family when it comes to you. I mean you are his family after you get married. If he won't even after you talk about it, way bigger problems will be in the future. Good luck!

Kristin789

>>He talks to them on the phone, and tells me. So i've requested that he not speak to me about them at all. 

Yep.  We've always done this. 
I don't understand anything his family does, and I don't want to be that b!tch who doesn't let him talk to his family.  So he talks to them on the phone in the car on his way home from work about twice a month and doesn't tell me.  Fine with me.

I didn't talk to his mom about anything prior to the wedding.  Fi said that when his mom would ask HIM, his response was, "Look mom, the wedding is hosted by Kristin's family and I'm sure they will do a great job and I'm sure our family will love it.  If you want to work on something about the wedding, let's talk about the RD, because WE host that.  When do you want to go to lunch and talk about the RD?"

kmmssg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_law-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:da380055-3cbc-457b-b4dc-81361405944dPost:38e192b7-25e3-4334-a80b-0eaa3af0c3ab">Re: In law problems</a>:
[QUOTE] />>He talks to them on the phone, and tells me. So i've requested that he not speak to me about them at all.  Yep.  We've always done this.  I don't understand anything his family does, and I don't want to be that b!tch who doesn't let him talk to his family.  So he talks to them on the phone in the car on his way home from work about twice a month and doesn't tell me.  Fine with me. I didn't talk to his mom about anything prior to the wedding.  Fi said that when his mom would ask HIM, his response was, "Look mom, the wedding is hosted by Kristin's family and I'm sure they will do a great job and I'm sure our family will love it.  If you want to work on something about the wedding, let's talk about the RD, because WE host that.  When do you want to go to lunch and talk about the RD?"
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

Your husband seriously has to call his family when he is not in your presence?  Every time? 

8daysaweek

Your FMIL sounds like a hosebeast. Unfortunately you can't really do anything about that. You can only control how you guys act and I think there are some things you could be doing to help the situation.

But first, I want to point out that while your FI should be supporting you and standing up to his family for the two of you because you're a team, it's not a great idea to make him feel like he has two completely separate lives: one with you and one with them. Even if you don't want to have contact with them yourself, it's not fair to ask your FI not to ever talk about them to you. The two of you should feel like you can talk to each other about anything.

Your FI needs to learn to keep some things his family says about you to himself. I understand the impulse that you should tell someone if another person says something mean about them but if telling them accomplishes nothing and only hurts them, it's best to just keep it to yourself.

I also think you could learn to pick your battles. You gave her your opinion when asked, she didn't care and bought something else. What's the point in fighting with her about the dress now? It's purchased, it's what she wants to wear. I'd be miffed that she didn't listen to me after asking for my opinion but I would just move on.

But I think the most important bits are that your H needs to stand up for you even if it's he said/she said or he's uncomfortable and that if you have doubts, you should not be getting married. Standing up for you to his mother does not have to be a fight; he just has to say "Mom, do not call my fiancee a liar. I believe Greyhound."

And seriously, if he is not standing up for you now and you guys are having problems before the wedding because of these issues, they are not just going to go away once you're married. Straighten this out before you make a commitment - you'll be glad you did in the long run.

Aiobheann

My MIL did the same shift! Only she wanted to wear a black dress in protest of our wedding. I actually recorsed all phone calls or had them on speakerphone with others listening (usually my DH). It took DH awhile to come to terms with his family's behaviour, but he has and after 10mo of marriage he has kicked them out of our lives. I love my husband, and I want him to be happy and I want him to stand up for me. He needed sometime, but we talked about things often and we were both honest and tried to do what's best. 

You need to have a heart to heart with yourself and your FI and see what you two can work out.  If you can start documenting this crap it'll be easirr for him to see the issues and stand up for you. And if he still doesn't, then you have a problem.

CowgirlK39

I agree with everyone who said you should have some sort of record of the convo. If you talk to her about something, immediately call your FI after the convo and tell him what was said. I sometimes have to do this with my FIs family because they like to just slip themselves into things (our apt, our yard, our trucks, etc) without asking, then claim they DID ask. If one of them is getting into something that is ours, I immediately contact my FI and tell him what is going on and if they asked his permission. Usually, they didnt ask anyone and I have to kick them out.

The difference is that my FI works hand in hand with me when things happen. Yours needs to do the same or you will be going thru this forever. I strongly suggest what so many others did; halt all wedding plans until you two work this out. It doesnt have to be your way or no way, but it certainly has to be a compromise over him letting her call you a liar.

ashlidie

First, I guess in defense of your FI, he is on a business trip, which probably puts him under stress too.

However, when he returns, you guys have to talk.  Before you spill any details of anything, you two need to always be on the same page.  He needs to know the colors are blue (for example) and that this is what you are telling FMIL BEFORE you say a single syllable.  This way, he CAN defend you.  If she has any issue with anything, you say nothing and he must address it.  Then there is no one to get mad at you if he is talking.

Basically, your voice needs to dissappear and he must speak for you.  So the communication between you two must be solid so he knows what the two of you have decided.  And tell him if you haven't talked about it, he can just say "hmm we will think about it but we haven't talked about that yet" and move on.

santana9505

Only a few words sums up a lot of advice here....you're marrying your FI..not his family. Sure you're marrying "into" the family, but when it comes down to it, if he cares about the way you feel, he will back you up 110%. Stop involving the MOG to a certain extent.