Maid of honor thinking its all about her HELP!!!!

AshandStephenW

ok so this is my issue my maid of honor we will call her "jane" is my mest friend for almost 7 years now but this is my issue "JANE" was all excited to help plan and help out now she could care less, complains to my other brides maids that she doesnt care about the wedding its to far away, and blows me off any time I try to set something up to look at dresses or venues. She just acts like she could care less and my other brides maid we will care her "Casey" is all for helping and bends over backwards to help me do anything. This is my issue do i wait for my best friend to be my best friend again and hope she wants to help out or make CASEY the friend  that has helped me the most the maid of honor and ask my best friend jane to just step down if she doent want to be a FRIEND. its not really about the wedding i feel that my friend is mad because she is no longer the center of attention. i need help bad!!!

graysquirrel

Jane is right, your wedding is very far away. Just because she does not want to go to venues or fittings with you, especially this far out, does not make her a bad friend. Think of the reasons why you made her your MOH in the first place. Those are the reasons why she is speical to you, not how many WR things she does for you. Being MOH isn't a prize for being the best helper, it is a way to honor someone who has been your very close friend.

Give your BMs a break. Their job is to get the right dress and show up, and that is it. Anything else they do is a gift that should be taken graciously. The less you treat this like their job and the more you spend time with them as simply friends, the better things will go.

Maggie0829

Your wedding is over 500 days away...yes that is very far out.

Just because she does not want to help plan your wedding does not mean she is no longer your best friend.  In fact, your MOH should not be planning your wedding at all...there is no reason she has to go with you to venues or anything of the sort...this should be the job of your FI because you are marrying him not your MOH.

Finally, the title of MOH should not go to the BM that contributed the most.  The title of MOH should go to your nearest and dearest.

You need to stop assuming things about your friend...I doubt she is pissed because she is not center of attention...I think she is just tired of all the wedding talk when the wedding is so far off.

Remember, no one will care about your wedding more then you do.

You need to relax and realize that you are sounding a bit crazy.  BMs are not your indentured servants they are your friends.  A wedding is only one day...do you really want to lose every friend because of it?

jemmini6

I'll be honest, I didn't read most of your post because after the first few lines, I could already tell that you are the one in the wrong.

1.  NO ONE WILL EVER BE AS EXCITED FOR YOUR WEDDING AS YOU ARE!  Remember this, and I promise you will be much happier throughout the process.

2.  NO ONE is required to help you plan your wedding, other than your FI (since it's his wedding too).  Do NOT expect people to want to be involved in every little thing, and especially, do NOT get upset when they can't or don't want to help.

3.  You choose your bridesmaids because of how close you are to them, not how much they can do for you.  Again, it's NOT their job to plan your wedding.

4.  You are VERY far out from your wedding, you probably don't even need to be planning anything yet, let alone expecting your bridesmaids to jump in and help.

5.  NEVER ever demote someone or kick them out of your wedding party.  It will END your friendship with them, and will make you look like a complete bridezilla (especially 18 months away from your wedding)

OBX2011

PP's have this one covered.

OP--read their posts....then go back and re-read.  Several times if you need too.

AshandStephenW

Thats just it every one is saying "maid of honor" and its not about that. because there is alot more then just a few things i have said its the fact when she started controling all my planning from when she wants everything done. then got mad because i could not afford $150 tickets to a concert for her birthday. wedding or not i just couldnt afford it at all. She was always happy and now she just blows me off for anything from get togethers to girls nights out it is not about just the wedding its about a best friend that no longer acts or cares to even talk to me. but nothing has ever been said if she continues to act like we are not friends how am i supposed to tell her she cant be a maid of honnor because as of right now we have not talked in over 3 months me and her are like sisters we talk and text every week and live 3 houses from each other we are extremly close and we have always been close. i know how far away MY WEDDING day is! I came to this fourm to look for advice on what to do if my best friend up and just walks out. I feel that i have goten all negative remarkes on my issue. IT IS NOT ABOUT HER BEING A MAID OF HONNOR its about how do i tell her she cant be a maid of honor  if she cant be a  friend first!!!!!   sence when is it ok for your best friend of seven years to talk crap behind your back and say that they just dont care?? i have searched out help and recived nothing at all YET when you go to a post of whats to early to plan every one is for early planning. maybe this will clear up every thing..................

OBX2011

Have you listened to any of the advice that PP's gave?  Apparently not.

You DON'T tell her that she can't be MOH without being a friend first.  That is just rude.

Have you ever sat down and talked with her about this?  Like had a heart to heart about how you feel as if the two of you don't hang out much and aren't as close as you used to be?  Maybe she has some concerns about the friendship too, but doesn't know how to express it to you.

I would recommend repairing your friendship first THEN worry about her being your MOH....especially since you have a long ways to go before your wedding.  If you jump the gun now, you could end up regretting it later.

AshandStephenW

I have tried so many times to fix things over and over its just like she doesnt seem to care the last thing she said was a really low blow when I called her crying about a famliy member who had passed and she just said "get over it we all die i  have better things to do then deal with your dead family member" this isnt how my best friend use to act she has became a "B". your maid of honnor should be the person you are the closest to thats why it is called the MOH i cant have someone stand be side me if she cant even be a friend any more.

OBX2011

Then if you knew this about her, why did you even ask her to be your MOH in the first place?

Trying to get some of the history of your relationship here.....

AshandStephenW

yeah i understand you need a little info on the back history of the friendship to be of help Thank you! Her and i have been close friends really almost sisters for along time she use to never act like this she was always nice. I feel like she is taking a little of this out on me because of a brides maid she really doesnt like but i could be wrong but she started acting like this alittle after she found out who the 3rd BM was like i said i could be wrong its just a thought. I just have tried so hard to repair a friendship she's like my sister. how long would you wait if your friend or "MOH" just stopped caring about you completly before you would say something and if it goes on what would you say or do. becasue im really worried she is going to go on and not care at all then what am i to do about her being the moh cus i really dont want someone who has been really crappy to me stand beside me. thank you for all your help!  

Viczaesar

1.  Your wedding is a YEAR AND A HALF away.  There is NOTHING for her to do now.  Stop talking wedding with her.
2.  MOH is your closest friend, not your best helper.  The MOH (and the bridesmaids for that matter) have no duties other than showing up to the wedding in the correct dress, chosen with their budget and comfort in mind.  That's it.  Anything else is a gift to you and you should actu suitably grateful if you are lucky enough to receive help planning or a bachelorette or shower.  There's no such thing as "acting like the MOH."
3.  Why on earth did you feel the name to write their names in red and blue?  Did you think we were too dumb to keep them straight otherwise?
4.  Your wedding is a YEAR AND A HALF away.  Chillax on the wedding talk before you drive all of your friends insane.

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_maid-of-honor-thinking-its-all-about-her-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:db4af81a-b3ff-4e57-bff0-dffd6aff9b16Post:513070b3-5a7e-4122-aac9-a7ef50e198ec">Re: Maid of honor thinking its all about her HELP!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thats just it every one is saying "maid of honor" and its not about that. because there is alot more then just a few things i have said its the fact when she started controling all my planning from when she wants everything done. then got mad because i could not afford $150 tickets to a concert for her birthday. wedding or not i just couldnt afford it at all. She was always happy and now she just blows me off for anything from get togethers to girls nights out it is not about just the wedding its about a best friend that no longer acts or cares to even talk to me. but nothing has ever been said if she continues to act like we are not friends how am i supposed to tell her she cant be a maid of honnor because as of right now we have not talked in over 3 months me and her are like sisters we talk and text every week and live 3 houses from each other we are extremly close and we have always been close. i know how far away MY WEDDING day is! I came to this fourm to look for advice on what to do if my best friend up and just walks out. I feel that i have goten all negative remarkes on my issue. IT IS NOT ABOUT HER BEING A MAID OF HONNOR its about how do i tell her she cant be a maid of honor  if she cant be a  friend first!!!!!   sence when is it ok for your best friend of seven years to talk crap behind your back and say that they just dont care??<strong> i have searched out help and recived nothing at all YET when you go to a post of whats to early to plan every one is for early planning. </strong>maybe this will clear up every thing..................
Posted by AshandStephenW[/QUOTE]
Then that's a friend issue, not a wedding issue.  Work on your friendship or end it.  Those are your choices.

Please stop writing in red. 

And what the heck does the bolded mean?

AshandStephenW

wow your really missing a ton of the story i sure hope you understand that much maybe if you could read everything you would get the full picture. you dont need to tell me what to do. if you dont have advice or anything nice to say fucck off... if you dont like what i say dont read it and you wount pisss me off. THANKS for being a biitch!

AshandStephenW

i have tried so many times over and over and never saying anything about the wedding or MOH stuff nothing at all i dont ever talk about it at all! thats what i have been posting this whole time, and no one seems to beable to help on advice I'm just about to give up! When your best friend stops caring and doesnt care about anything going on in you life not even wedding plans just my life in genral 

it becomes the question of if this is to go on where she just doesn't care about being a friend any more how to i drop the fact that i dont want her to be the MOH??? I really hope someone will understand what is going on its hard enough to deal with a best friend that just doesn't care any more i need all the opinons i can get because this is a hard topic that people seem to think im over talking about my wedding which im not. there has only been one person to actually try to understand and help 

once again i am let down and put down by trying to find help on my question! I know how far away my wedding is, i never talk about it ive said three things what date it was, my venue where i offered for her if she wanted to come look at it, and that i did not want SHORT i mean really short BM dresses that look like clubing dresses. I never ask for help planning idk where every one is getting this. its agraving when people attack me like i am a horriable bride zilla i give up! Thank you all except for one peorson who has said something on this fourm you have all been of no help at all. the one place i could ask an open free question and i get treated like crapp. i dont even feel like i can ask an even personal question about my wedding on this fourm any more I'm not going to deal with people putting me down like they have no cares. thank you all for not helping at all! I have no one that i feel close enough to talk to about a question im sure alot of brides have delt with but now its not worth asking after all this.    

   

Viczaesar

Well that was a mature response to helpful advice.

Maggie0829

OP, you need to go back and reread your original post.  Your original post only talks about your wedding and how your MOH isn't involved like you want her to be...that is why many of us responded the way we did.

Now, since you have explained that it isn't just about the wedding but the fact that she no longer has any interest in your life (wedding or not) I can give you some better advice.

The first question you need to ask yourself is, do you want to end the friendship?  If the answer is yes, then by all means drop her as your MOH and out of your wedding and life completely.  If the answer is no, then you need to have a face to face conversation with her about how you are feeling.  If after this converstation you don't feel like anything will change then end the friendship...why stay in a friendship when it is one sided?  If, after talking with her, you two work things out and committ to being better friends with each other (don't expect an amazing transformation over night) then you should keep her as your MOH.

Really, it is up to you as to whether or not you want to keep this friendship going. 

OBX2011

Slow your roll their chica!

Like Maggie said, re-read your OP and you will see why you got some of the responses you did.  We can only respond based off of the information that you have provided.  Now that you have made it clear that this is a failing friendship altogether, my advice would be exactly what Maggie's was.  If you feel as if the friendship is over, then it may be best to remove her at this point and if you don't feel bad about the friendship being over, then move on with your life.

I hope you can find some peace with this and that it works out for you!

appkeem

I completly understand where you are coming from and the frustration you are having with the other comments being made. I have just recently went through the same thing with my Maid of Honor. The way mine played out is that we are not friends anymore and do not talk. It is sad, but true. I also posted my story on here and recieved a lot of the same comments. I think I was looking for another Bride to be "on my side", but they weren't. It was as if no one truely understood what I was going through, but you do. I do not think it is rude to tell someone they can not be MOH anymore. Being best friends with someone is like being in a mariage. You general do the same thing with a best friend that you do with your husband, besides the sexual part. I would not want someone to stand next to me on a big day in my life knowing she doesn't actually have my back. MOH are suppose to help the Bride out. Maybe not do everything, but to help. What is the point in having BMs then? Are they just there to look pretty? Don't they plan other things for your big day like bridal showers, etc? I just want you to know that you have someone on your side.