How to handle MIL

bedagi

I met my fiance's mother for the first time about a month before we got engaged.
A month after that we got engaged, and his mother is still having a hard time with the idea. She hasn't come right out and said she isn't okay with it, but she's suggested twice now that we are getting married to soon, and should wait another two to three years (even though our engagement will have been over a year and a half long).

Anyone else have a similar MIL theyhave to deal with, or suggestions on how to manage?

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_handle-mil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ddc11c53-31e2-4cbf-9d77-e0a56795e3ffPost:f12d30f4-6126-4e0c-8312-67f9b4cfe856">How to handle MIL</a>:
[QUOTE]I met my fiance's mother for the first time about a month before we got engaged. We both were living on the other side of the country, and went home for his older sister's wedding (and stayed with her while we were there). Note: His mom is Asian and speaks English as a second language. She prefers not to speak it in fact, unless she has to and only speaks her native language around the house (and in front of me). She was a little blind-sided by me I think; and was suggesting to him when I wasn't around that he meet a nice girl she knew that lived near by. This was pretty distressing for me. Luckily, my fiance isn't a mama's boy and did give her an earful for it. A month after that we got engaged, and his mother is still having a hard time with the idea. She hasn't come right out and said she isn't okay with it, but she's suggested twice now that we are getting married to soon, and should wait another two to three years (even though our engagement will have been over a year and a half long). I've tried everything I can think of to be nice to her; I'm always polite, offer to help, clean up, cook, anything; she tolerates me to a degree, but avoids talking to me and always declines my offers for help. I always feel really uncomfortable when she's around, like I'm going to un-knowingly do something to aggravate her. Anyone else have a similar MIL theyhave to deal with, or suggestions on how to manage? (I know its only a matter of time before she starts in on what she expects us to do for/at the wedding and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this).
Posted by bedagi[/QUOTE]

Stop bending over backwards to have  a relationship with somebody who doesn't want one with you, and let your FI deal with her.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_handle-mil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ddc11c53-31e2-4cbf-9d77-e0a56795e3ffPost:6675d7b6-9d4c-40d5-afea-1eb6b2df2a8f">Re: How to handle MIL</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to How to handle MIL : Stop bending over backwards to have  a relationship with somebody who doesn't want one with you, and let your FI deal with her.
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

Ditto!  It is his mother, not yours.  You do not need to have any type of relationship with her at all if you don't want to.  Just be polite when she is around but other than that I wouldn't worry about it anymore.

Summer2011Bride

Just be polite when you have to be around her and then don't worry about it. Let FI have a relationship with his mom if he wants one. I would not bend over backwards anymore for this woman. And I would also definitely stick up for myself (like it sounds like you do) if she said something to my face.

sparent2010

What kind of Asian?

kmmssg

I agree that you need to stop bending over backwards for her.  You have tried to form a relationship and she isn't interested.  She may always be like  that so don't have great expectations.

You said your FI spoke to her about trying to get him to meet someone else.  Has he spoken to her about her overall attitude?  Somewhere along the line she is going to have to figure out how to accept your marriage or be very distant from her son and potential grandchildren.

What does your FI say about this?

sparent2010

OP what kind of Asian? 

Also a lot of families can be closed off at first. If you are just now meeting her it can take time for her to warm up to you.

 If she is not comfortable speaking english no need to get bent out of shape about it. Your FI can translate (I am assuming). My FMIL speaks Bulgarian at the house b/c it is more comfortable for her and I don't hold it against her. It took us awhile to get a relationship going and now 3 years later we along better. Just give her some time to get used to the idea. She was probably hoping he would marry an Asian girl. Some parents are like that.

 My Korean grandmother wanted me to Not marry a Korean boy since they are spoiled (in her mind) she thought a white man was homely looking and wouldn't cheat (I have no idea how she got this into her mind). So when she met FI a happa (half Bulgarian Half Laotian) she was worried he was to good looking and would go cheat on me lol. 

MirandaVanZ

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_handle-mil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ddc11c53-31e2-4cbf-9d77-e0a56795e3ffPost:1649de81-abef-4b3c-8cf1-a1fd826254e5">Re: How to handle MIL</a>:
[QUOTE]  My Korean grandmother wanted me to Not marry a Korean boy since they are spoiled (in her mind) she thought a white man was homely looking and wouldn't cheat (I have no idea how she got this into her mind). So when she met FI a happa (half Bulgarian Half Laotian) she was worried he was to good looking and would go cheat on me lol. 
Posted by sparent2010[/QUOTE]
Hahaha!

lilbitbeaker

girl here is what I have to say.

I started dating FI in Oct of 2006. his mom was always polite to me but then again she barely saw me except when I would stay the night sometimes. he lived at home when we first got together.
flash forward to June 2007. He and I decided to move in together.
we buy a house and move in in Aug 2007. 4 bedrooms, 2.5 bath, half finished basement, fireplace.. nice.
January 2008 his family (mom, dad, 2 younger sisters) goes bankrupt and lose their house. so they move in with us.
its supposed to be temporary till they get back on their feet..
they are still living here.
we are converting the basement into an apartment area (with a kitchen and all) so that there is less friction.

on to my point

it wasnt until after we moved in that his mom started to say things..
"shes spoiled" "because of her american up-bringing she just doesnt understand our ways" "she doesnt try hard enough" "she always moves things"
...its always something.

he would always defend me but she was still snarky to me

then we got engaged.

she still doesnt fully accept me, but shes accepted the fact that she cant change it.

be polite.

i am.

she will be your MIL. grandma to your kids (if you decide to have any).
you have to keep the peace.

DeannaCW

Something that no one's suggested, but might help... could you try taking classes in her language? It sounds to me like at least part of it is having a hard time talking to you because she's not comfortable with English. Even if you're not very good at languages, it might at least help demonstrate that you're willing to take the extra effort to have a relationship with her and make her comfortable. Also demonstrates that you're not ignoring her culture (and by extension, her feelings that might come up in the wedding)