Moms and Maids

MOH freaking out about size

I selected my MOH because she has been a great friend to me over the past few years and knows my fiance the best out of my friends. She has been very supportive of our relationship. But she is being ridiculous about the dress size! She is small, regularly a size 4 dress but because of her bust size the dress size suggested by Alfred Angelo is size 8. She is insisting she can't possibly that size and it is way too large because she likes things fitted and she worries it won't be able to be taken in enough. I ordered an 8 anyway - not the 4 she wanted - to be sure it would fit and not be stuck with a too-small dress. But she is now obsessing about the dress size (everyone knows they run bigger than in real life - I have been in seven weddings and now my own. And my wedding dress is two sizes larger than my pant size). But she won't let it go, despite me showing her the size chart. I should mentioned I am in my mid-30s, she is in her late 40s, so old enough that it doesn't seem like vanity would be an issue. But as it turns out, has never been in a wedding.

As a side note, another attendant now may pull out because she and her husband are trying to get pregnant and if they are successful any time soon she won't fit into the already-ordered dress so I am fretting about the apparent self-centeredness rearing its head in my MOH and fear the "and then there were none" and I won't have any attendants!

I guess my question is how can I stop this MOH obsession from upsetting me and make me regret my decision, when we still have nearly 10 months to go?

Re: MOH freaking out about size

  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    That kind of obsessive vanity would probably drive me nuts too, especially when this is the industry standard going on here and not some fluke.

    Is there any chance she has a very unhealthy compulsive view of her body?  Any chance of some eating disorder or other issue?  Keeping an eye on the big picture is important here and being that tiny in her late 40's (disregard the envy in this MOB's post) isn't the norm.  There are those who are naturally just tiny, but they get more rare as you get older.

    Any chance she has a serious problem?
  • AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    There's a few issues here:

    1. Your MOH.  You ordered the 8.  It will be taken in enough elsewhere to be fitted.  Breathe a sigh of relief, you did the right thing.  It's easier to take in a dress than let one out.  Change the subject if she choose to obsess over it anymore.

    2. Your pregnant friend.  Let's say she gets pregnant AND can't fit in the dress at the time of your wedding.  These are two big ifs as getting pregnant isn't an exact science.  Then, why would you choose to kick her out of the wedding instead of offering to purchase her an off the rack dress in a coordinating wedding color?  She's pregnant.  Everyone will understand why she's in a different dress.  Don't choose the dress over the friend.
  • ShakeUpTampaShakeUpTampa member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    No joke when ordering at Alfred Angelo they take the BIGGEST core measurement and suggest the size. She should have gone in to be properly measured (as most people measure wrong themselves) I had to order a 16 in my gown but am like a 12 in the bottom....it will be taken in. Alterations are affordable as well for side seams.
    Nichole Tampa, FL BabyFetus Ticker
  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I don't think she is thinking about kicking out the pregnant BM.  She said she may pull out if pregnant.

    "Also, my only other attendant now may pull out because she and her husband are trying to get pregnant and if they are successful any time soon she won't fit into the already-ordered dress so I am fretting about the apparent self-centeredness rearing its head in my MOH and fear the "and then there were none" and I won't have any attendants!"

    I think OP is comparing her frusration with MOH's size obsession with the fact that she may lose BM due to pregnancy.

    OP - am I on the right track here?
  • wegsmomwegsmom member
    Fifth Anniversary 100 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In effort to explain why the dresses have to be ordered to fit her chest and that the dress will fit, could you take her to an Alfred Angelo store and have her try on a size 8 dress and have it pinned so she can see how it will altered?

    Best wishes.
  • edited December 2011
    If your MOH is paying for her own dress, then she should have decided on the size she wanted to order based on her measurements. The sales consultant could have shown her the AA size charts and advised her to order by her bust size. If she ordered the wrong size then it's her problem to fix.


                       
  • astormoastormo member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Absolutely not even thinking for a second about asking my trying-to-get pregnant friend to step down IF she is successful. She has expressed that she wouldn't want to be dealing with being very pregnant and in my wedding. I will understand that. Indeed it was just a comparison of another added stress I feel when I was hoping my wedding planning with attendants (there are just two) would be so much fun, which in turn I am on the edge of crying.
    And next, I  am paying for the dresses! I bought it - MOH didn't pay for it.
    I guess I do need to remember the bigger picture, and remember I will have my wonderful, loving, supportive man of my dreams by my side that I waited many years to find. By right now, I am having a hard time that my BM keeps talking about pulling out IF she get pregnant and my MOH is being so difficult that if this keeps up for several more months I may ask her to step aside to preserve my sanity.
  • AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-freaking-out-size?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ddfd7889-b2b5-42e3-a70b-b3d1186f4dadPost:fceb905d-e303-4ada-8a1f-1109df52479e">Re: MOH freaking out about size</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't think she is thinking about kicking out the pregnant BM.  She said she may pull out if pregnant. "Also, my only other attendant now may pull out because she and her husband are trying to get pregnant and if they are successful any time soon she won't fit into the already-ordered dress so I am fretting about the apparent self-centeredness rearing its head in my MOH and fear the "and then there were none" and I won't have any attendants!" I think OP is comparing her frusration with MOH's size obsession with the fact that she may lose BM due to pregnancy. OP - am I on the right track here?
    Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

    Sorry - the wording lead me to believe you were saying she would pull out of the wedding <strong>because</strong> she wouldn't fit into the already ordered dress.  That was a separate thought on your part.  My apologies.
  • edited December 2011
    That's very nice of you to pay for the bm dresses. You should just reassure her that the alterations department will make sure that the dress is fitted correctly. The size on the dress doesn't change the size of her body. She can cut the tag out : )
                       
  • edited December 2011
    Heck...I'd tell her you called and changed the size and then DON"T let her see the paperwork.  Get in there before she goes for alterationa and make sure the size isn't in the dress.  Tell the store people what the problem is so they don't aggravate the situation.

    My grandad used to say, "you shouldn't lie, but you don't have to tell everything you know....."
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
  • astormoastormo member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-freaking-out-size?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ddfd7889-b2b5-42e3-a70b-b3d1186f4dadPost:da28297f-a26b-41b1-97dd-c4f1554aee3c">Re: MOH freaking out about size</a>:
    [QUOTE]Heck...I'd tell her you called and changed the size and then DON"T let her see the paperwork.  Get in there before she goes for alterationa and make sure the size isn't in the dress.  Tell the store people what the problem is so they don't aggravate the situation. My grandad used to say, "you shouldn't lie, but you don't have to tell everything you know....."
    Posted by Muffin'sMom[/QUOTE]

    <div>Funny, my mom said nearly the EXACT same thing!</div><div>
    </div><div><span style="color:#000000;font-family:Times;font-size:medium;line-height:normal;" class="Apple-style-span"><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-repeat:initial;background-attachment:initial;-webkit-background-clip:initial;-webkit-background-origin:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;">And on the other comment, I actually I did not MAKE them buy anything. I am paying for the dresses — as I stated earlier, so they are not out a dime. It is coming out of my pocket. And the reason I bought them so far in advance is because I am getting a new job, in a new state and getting a new home where my fiance lives so I am trying to get as many details out of the way before I have to move and deal with a whole new set a stressors of leaving a job I have been in for over a decade and familiarizing myself with a new career.
    <div>
    </div><div>I am happy for my dear friend who is trying to get pregnant. It is HER choice not to be in the wedding (as I also stated earlier) if she is very pregnant because it would be too much for her to handle - and I will support that. I will be happy for her to have a new baby. But it doesn't negate the fact that I am worried I will not have that friend in my wedding.</div><div>
    </div><div>My friend caught up in the size doesn't think a seamstress will be able to make it fit right despite me insisting my seamstress is wonderful and has worked with our state pageant contestants.</div><div>
    </div><div>However, there is one thing I will take is that I will indeed, eat some chocolates and throw up my feet. I will add a book. bubble bath and bottle of red - and call it a lovely relaxing evening! Chocolate does make everything nicer.</div></div></span></div>
  • eoreaeorea member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-freaking-out-size?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ddfd7889-b2b5-42e3-a70b-b3d1186f4dadPost:dfe24f59-9b16-4169-8925-54f4f0ba7317">Re: MOH freaking out about size</a>:
    [QUOTE]That's very nice of you to pay for the bm dresses. You should just reassure her that the alterations department will make sure that the dress is fitted correctly. The size on the dress doesn't change the size of her body. She can cut the tag out : )
    Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I agree. </div><div>
    </div><div>I also find it weird she doesn't know that sizes usually run bigger. The same thing happened with my BM dress and now my wedding dress. In april I bought a dress for my sister's birthday party.. size 8. Before that, another dress.. size 8. In May I bought my wedding dress and it's a size 10. I had to go up in size. It's pretty normal. From what I know, anyway.

    </div>
    image
  • astormoastormo member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-freaking-out-size?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ddfd7889-b2b5-42e3-a70b-b3d1186f4dadPost:855b9a86-bc92-4e1c-89d9-735ce6d63e31">Re: MOH freaking out about size</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow, that's great of you to pay for their gowns! I like the advice above.....have the salon take the tags off the dresses. Don't bring it up,and perhaps she'll forget about it.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    <div><span style="color:#000000;font-family:Times;font-size:medium;line-height:normal;" class="Apple-style-span"><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-repeat:initial;background-attachment:initial;-webkit-background-clip:initial;-webkit-background-origin:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;">Thank you. It was just something I felt strongly about doing and feel good about it. (Although having MOH buy her own dress may have stopped this tiff!) <div>
    </div><div>Cutting the tag out is a viable solution. I believe I am too old to have to deal with such things, but it could be the best option to avoid another confrontation. When I called the shop about it, the consultant also suggested cutting out the tag.</div><div>
    </div><div>I think this has triggered me to pause and really think just how my MOH operates in life and how most things truly are all about her. I have seen it in her relationship but dismissed it because it didn't involved me. I thought she would put her "ME" syndrome aside to support me and my journey to a new life. But recently she has said she won't visit me when I move to where my fiancee lives because it is a town where she has too many bad memories, and she scolds me for saying "my fiancee" because she doesn't like the word. It turns out she might not be the kind of person I need in my life and maybe her friendship doesn't go as deep as I believed. Which makes me sad. But that is a whole sidebar that I will have to deal with later!</div><div>
    </div><div>Thanks ladies!</div></div></span></div>
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