About to Elope

kbeamer05

My mother is making me absolutely INSANE! She hasn't listened to a word of what we want, she keeps suggesting that we go back to the venue we canceled because it was way too expensive for us. She doesn't seem to understand that she already had her wedding. While my parents are paying for the wedding, it's not a blank check. We are trying to stick to our budget, but all my mom wants to see is some grand and elaborate wedding. I even overheard her bitching to her friends that she "feels taken advantage of" because we canceld the venue SHE was in love with (she has no idea i heard this). She was going to give us the money one way or another so why is it such a big deal how we spend it. My fiance and I are not big elaborate people. Yes, we want everyone to have a good time and a beautiful spot to get married, but thi sevent doesn't define us. My dad even wants us to go light on the wedding and spend the rest on our honeymoon. I really could use some advice on how to deal with her. I'm so upset I'm about to start crying and just elope.

em01092

It's frustrating when you and your parents, in this case mom, don't agree on the wedding details. 

If she is paying, she gets some say over what happens. It sucks, but that's one of the catches that comes with accepting help from your parents. If she wants to only give you the money for the wedding and not the HM or for other purposes, that is her right. It's her money. I'm sorry that she is not more respectful of your wishes and that she can't seem to understand a big wedding is not your style. 

Why don't you like the first venue? Did you feel like it was too much and that money could be better spent elsewhere? How many people is she wanting to have? What is her idea of a budget and how do they conflict with yours? Is she wanting you to buy things that would set you over your budget or just are more than you want to spend on the wedding?

After you analyze that, maybe try to compromise? For example, if she wants 200 people, try to work her down to 100, maybe 150. If she's offering 10K, see if she will agree to spend all but 2K on the wedding (what FI and are I doing- mom thinks it's smart to save that towards a down payment on a house). 

kbeamer05

My parents never really said what the money had to be used for, just that they were giving us money. The venue that she wanted us to book, the f & b minimum was what my parents were giving (which is the price of like a small toyota). We are a young couple and trying to save money for a home. We don't make a lot, and she knows this. She pretty much just wants us to pay for the other half of the wedding, the amount we would have to save every month is almost our rent, it's just not realistic. I am giving her thing she wants, but i'm not going to go broke trying to appease her. She's already got her top shelf bar with a martini luge. My dad is giving us money and hasn't asked us to change one thing. I know he's a little if-y with heights and we are getting married at the sears tower and he hasn't said one thing to me about it. I even asked if he was ok wiht it and he said yes, that i should do what makes me happy. Exact same words out of my FI mouth, it must be true that you marry men like your father.

kbeamer05

She also knows how tight my guest list is and now she's on FB inviting people. I feel like that's just disrespectful. 

em01092

That is disrespectful and just plain tacky to be inviting people over FB, actually invited or not. In the end, she's going to look like the fool and will have to explain to these people what is going on. You may have to cover her mess, but at least you can blame it on her, because it is her fault. 

It sounds like you are on the right track. Don't let your mom bully you into things you adamantly don't want or can't afford. Just be prepared for her to rescind her offer of money. She may or may not. I wouldn't count on that money until you have it in hand, unless you already do. 

em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_elope?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:de474650-d3a2-4b97-b50b-aacdec62f9a2Post:7c8782a6-1cfd-42dd-9915-36be48d4a8cc">Re: About to Elope</a>:
[QUOTE]Hahaha! I never count on money from my mom unless it's in hand! 
Posted by kbeamer05[/QUOTE]

<div>Sounds like you definitely are used to this behavior from her. Did you expect her to change for the wedding? We all like to hope, but weddings don't usually change people, sadly. </div><div>
</div><div>Plan the wedding you want and don't let your mom dictate what you have and don't have, especially if you are ok with not taking her money and can pay for the wedding yourselves. </div>

kbeamer05

Only when it comes to finances. I honestly didn't know how she would react to wedding planning stuff, she's been very supportive up until the last week maybe. If she pulls her money we'll elope and take my dad's money and honeymoon. I'm so stressed I don't even care at this point. I never envisioned a big wedding with a huge gown and all that stuff anyways. I never even wanted to get married till about a year ago!

em01092

In that case, I'd just elope anyway and go on a fantastic HM with your father's money. If YOU and FI don't want a big fancy wedding or even any sort of church-y, traditional ceremony/big white dress/etc you don't have to have one. Going to the JOP sounds like a great option in your shoes and with your outlook on the more drummed up weddings. Just know that if you do that, that is your wedding and should you change your mind, you're SOL. Anything you do after the fact would be a VR or blessing. 

Summer2011Bride

If she is holding the purse strings, she has a say, whether you agree or not. If you want things a different way, I'd pay for it myself.