Moms and Maids

overwhelmed much/vent

so, i'm recently engaged.
we're beginning to plan our wedding for October 11, 2013.
already running into problems.

1) Flower Girls
my fiance has a 3-year-old daughter (will be 4 by then) who automatically is one of my flower girls. i have 8 nieces (all under the age of 6) and i have two younger sisters (mom & step dad's daughters) who will be 4 and 5 then. my mom decided that my two younger sisters should be my flower girls and that we should "find something else" for my stepdaughter to do.
--the problem being, i love my baby sisters. but they're brats. i don't even want kids at the reception! i defintely don't want them in my wedding. and i already picked my second flower girl, my God Daughter who will be 5 :)

2) Bridal Party.
my fiance has 3 sisters. i'm not really close with any of them. he's only really close with his youngest sister. we decided that she was going to be almost like a helper to me (and she's okay with that). however, his older two sisters decided they were bridesmaids in the wedding (not happening). his one cousin ASSUMED he was in the wedding because his son is our ring boy (he'll be 6 then). and then somebody who used to be my best friend (who i haven't even spoken to for 3 years--we had a HUGE fight) came out of NO WHERE once my engagement hit Facebook (pretty sure one of my facebook/twitter/instagram stalkers ran & told that) asking about where she should go for her MOH fitting! lol. really?

3) future MIL.
i love her as a person. but she can be soooo controlling! i remember when my stepdaughter was born (my fiance &  my stepdaughter's mother broke up right before she found out she was pregnant. we met about 3 months before my stepdaughter was born) & she practically moved in his apartment at the time to "help" take care of my stepdaughter! but she didn't need to! about a year ago, i did get pregnant, but miscarried at 7 months. before the miscarriage happened, she was talking about coming to stay our house for the first 3 months to "help." my fiance quickly knew i was not okay with that and told her. she then started acting like a child--threw a FULLBLOWN tantrum, started crying and didn't understand why she couldn't come stay for a few months.
--she is getting upset about the fact that we're getting married in Georgia (where i was born & raised) because she doesn't think her friends will make it to the wedding (we live in Michigain) and because we hired  my fiance's aunt (a wedding planner) to help with everything that needs to be done there. basically because my MIL can't control it. she's acting crazy. i thought the wedding was about me & my fiance, not entertaining a bunch of people we don't even know (his mother's friends)?

sorry it's kinda lengthy. i needed to put all that out there lol.

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Re: overwhelmed much/vent

  • In Response to Re: overwhelmed much/vent:
    "Thank you for the suggestion, but I've already selected my wedding party."  "Mom, I want my daughter to be in my wedding.  There are too many children in the family to include, so I'm limiting the children to my daughter and goddaughter.  Thank you for the suggestion.  Now, have you tried this bean dip? It's delicious." Then change the subject.  Keep changing the subject.  They can't discuss the wedding party if you won't participate. Don't make anyone "helpers" or give them jobs to do.  Remember that that is WORK.  It's not an honor for people to do chores at your wedding.  They'll agree, because they love you - but that's more reason not to do it.  They'll be tied to that task while everyone else enjoys the party. Don't share your plans, or talk about the wedding, with people who aren't part of the wedding.
    Posted by RetreadBride
    All of this and I'm sorry for your miscarriage.

    Also...
    If your fiance wants to honor his sisters, maybe they can stand on his side?
    Or maybe you guys can get them corsages?

    Also, you call his mother controlling when it sounds like your mom is, too. So, try to be patient with his mother like you would be with your own. That might help in the future when she starts in on her tantrums. Just think how you would respond if it was your own mother being controlling and take it from there.

    And, I'm sure you know this so I'm just reiterating, but try to keep talk of your wedding off of social media. It's a drama starter and it's already caused one of your stalkers to start in.
    image
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    edited December 2012
    1. and 2. It sounds like a lot of people are trying to push you two around. It's your right to choose who will be in your wedding party. Let your mom know that it's not up for debate. Try ignoring the facebook friend who volunteered to be MOH. Fi should deal with his sisters and other family members.

    3. It's good that your fi is willing to stand up to his mom. Establish some ground rules for grandma-zilla. If she throws a temper tantrum, hang up, walk out, remove yourselves from the vicinity without reacting. Like most two year olds, your FMIL will figure out that she can't get her way by screaming and crying. You have to be consistent. Don't discuss the wedding plans with her, other than the things she absolutely has to know.

    I'm sorry about the loss of your baby.



                
  • In Response to Re: overwhelmed much/vent:
    "Thank you for the suggestion, but I've already selected my wedding party."  "Mom, I want my daughter to be in my wedding.  There are too many children in the family to include, so I'm limiting the children to my daughter and goddaughter.  Thank you for the suggestion.  Now, have you tried this bean dip? It's delicious." Then change the subject.  Keep changing the subject.  They can't discuss the wedding party if you won't participate. Don't make anyone "helpers" or give them jobs to do.  Remember that that is WORK.  It's not an honor for people to do chores at your wedding.  They'll agree, because they love you - but that's more reason not to do it.  They'll be tied to that task while everyone else enjoys the party. Don't share your plans, or talk about the wedding, with people who aren't part of the wedding.
    Posted by RetreadBride
    thank you! i talked to my stepdad about the matter of mom-zilla on my part. i think she'll chill out lol. once i explained why i didn't want the girls in the wedding, he understood (he's great--he'll never replace my dad, but he's a great father figure when i need it!) as far as my future SIL, it's not so much work at the wedding, she's helping me along. we're still including her in all the bridal activities/fun (dress fittings, flowers) and we're still going to get her a pretty dress :)
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  • In Response to Re: overwhelmed much/vent:
    Oh - and I'm very, very sorry for the loss of your baby. People who haven't experienced that just don't get it, like your FMIL.
    Posted by RetreadBride
    thank you.. it was difficult in the beginning, but i learned that some things just simply cannot be controlled and there is a reason for everything. i just learned to accept it as a blessing in disguise.
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  • In Response to Re: overwhelmed much/vent:
    It sounds like you just need to start setting firm boundaries with people and dispelling rumors and correcting assumptions ASAP.  
    Posted by KindaSparkly
    that is EXACTLY what i've been doing for the last month! his sisters i think are FINALLY getting it that they are not in the wedding party. we decided that we will get all the sisters (his older two and all of mine) corsages so that they stand out a little bit. i believe that there is some talk of all of them possibly wearing the same color dress to the wedding, which I am totally okay with! as for the cousin, he's kinda mad, but oh well! :)
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  • edited December 2012
    In Response to Re: overwhelmed much/vent:
    In Response to Re: overwhelmed much/vent : All of this and I'm sorry for your miscarriage. Also... If your fiance wants to honor his sisters, maybe they can stand on his side? Or maybe you guys can get them corsages? Also, you call his mother controlling when it sounds like your mom is, too. So, try to be patient with his mother like you would be with your own. That might help in the future when she starts in on her tantrums. Just think how you would respond if it was your own mother being controlling and take it from there. And, I'm sure you know this so I'm just reiterating, but try to keep talk of your wedding off of social media. It's a drama starter and it's already caused one of your stalkers to start in.
    Posted by Simply Fated
    thank you. i've accepted that things happen for a reason.
    we did talk about corsages for his two older sisters and mine and there is some talk about all of the sisters wearing the same color dresses to the wedding, i guess to make them feel special? lol. that's okay with me though, whatever floats their little boats. i know my mother can be controlling, i figured this out at a very young age, which explains why i couldn't live with her after my parents divorce lol. his mom is controlling too, both of them just need be turned down at times. although i can say my mother has never had a tantrum (that i know of) like his mother did.. my 3-year-old stepdaughter doesn't even act like that when we tell her no hahaha. as far as my social network stalkers, that's always been a fiasco. my relationship status on FB and people suddenly started inviting themselves to the wedding; "make sure i get an invitation.." blah blah blah. i assume that's how word of mouth went back to the ex-best friend. she even gave me the "we were best friends for 18 years." keyword: were.
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  • In Response to Re: overwhelmed much/vent:
    1. and 2. It sounds like a lot of people are trying to push you two around. It's your right to choose who will be in your wedding party. Let your mom know that it's not up for debate. Try ignoring the facebook friend who volunteered to be MOH. Fi should deal with his sisters and other family members. 3. It's good that your fi is willing to stand up to his mom. Establish some ground rules for grandma-zilla. If she throws a temper tantrum, hang up, walk out, remove yourselves from the vicinity without reacting. Like most two year olds, your FMIL will figure out that she can't get her way by screaming and crying. You have to be consistent. Don't discuss the wedding plans with her, other than the things she absolutely has to know. I'm sorry about the loss of your baby.
    Posted by MairePoppy

    people are definitely trying. so far, so good about not letting them. as far as grandma-zilla is concerned, she pretty much stopped trying to control everything about my stepdaughter almost immediately after her second birthday last year (and let my fiance and my stepdaughter's mother be the parents), but thought she was was going to control everything about my baby. NOT happening. we're planning on trying again for a baby about a year after the wedding, definitely are not telling her. and we already decided that grandma-zillas are NOT "helping" with the baby. we're the parents. (we were only 21 when my stepdaughter was born and i guess not really knowing any better, he let his mom do whatever.)

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • In Response to Re: overwhelmed much/vent:
    1. and 2. It sounds like a lot of people are trying to push you two around. It's your right to choose who will be in your wedding party. Let your mom know that it's not up for debate. Try ignoring the facebook friend who volunteered to be MOH. Fi should deal with his sisters and other family members. 3. It's good that your fi is willing to stand up to his mom. Establish some ground rules for grandma-zilla. If she throws a temper tantrum, hang up, walk out, remove yourselves from the vicinity without reacting. Like most two year olds, your FMIL will figure out that she can't get her way by screaming and crying. You have to be consistent. Don't discuss the wedding plans with her, other than the things she absolutely has to know. I'm sorry about the loss of your baby.
    Posted by MairePoppy
    This was super perfect. *Like*

    To the OP, it is difficult to stand up to people, but you definitely need to be firm with the matters. Avoid things like "I'll think about it"  If you already know you do/don't want something, tell them "Thanks for the idea, but we've decided on X"

    Is your family/extended family still in Georgia?  Or are you just holding it there because it's your hometown?  I can understand the FMIL being worried about one side of the family being able to attend when the wedding is so far out of state. Do what you can to be accomodating to the out of town guests that can make it, to show that you do want to have them there.  Depending on how large the family is (and your budget) you might be able to cover hotel accomodations, for example. Just something to consider.
  • In Response to Re: overwhelmed much/vent:
    In Response to Re: overwhelmed much/vent : This was super perfect. *Like* To the OP, it is difficult to stand up to people, but you definitely need to be firm with the matters. Avoid things like "I'll think about it"  If you already know you do/don't want something, tell them "Thanks for the idea, but we've decided on X" Is your family/extended family still in Georgia?  Or are you just holding it there because it's your hometown?  I can understand the FMIL being worried about one side of the family being able to attend when the wedding is so far out of state. Do what you can to be accomodating to the out of town guests that can make it, to show that you do want to have them there.  Depending on how large the family is (and your budget) you might be able to cover hotel accomodations, for example. Just something to consider.
    Posted by RMcDougle
    my family is kinda complicated lol. my mom is from Buffalo, NY. my dad was born in Mississpii, but raised in Lousiana (so i have family New York, Lousiana, Mississippi and Georgia). My fiance was born in Arkansas, but raised in Michigain (where we currently live). I was more than willing to have the ready in MI, Josh (my FI) decided that we should do it in GA (he knew his mother was trying to pull something like this, we thought she would just leave the matter alone.. we don't want her friends there and he told that.) We already explained to her what we were doing as far Josh's family. we are paying for the hotel rooms for his mom & her FI, his dad & step mom, the two older sisters & their husbands, his grandmother and her sister (who live together), his younger sister & daughter, his groomsmen, my bridesmaids, and some of my various out ot town family memebers. everybody else was on their own. we gave plenty of notice for people to start booking rooms & flights. she already knew it.

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  • edited December 2012
    In Response to Re: overwhelmed much/vent:
    In Response to Re: overwhelmed much/vent : my family is kinda complicated lol. my mom is from Buffalo, NY. my dad was born in Mississpii, but raised in Lousiana (so i have family New York, Lousiana, Mississippi and Georgia). My fiance was born in Arkansas, but raised in Michigain (where we currently live). I was more than willing to have the ready in MI, Josh (my FI) decided that we should do it in GA (he knew his mother was trying to pull something like this, we thought she would just leave the matter alone.. we don't want her friends there and he told that.) We already explained to her what we were doing as far Josh's family. we are paying for the hotel rooms for his mom & her FI, his dad & step mom, the two older sisters & their husbands, his grandmother and her sister (who live together), his younger sister & daughter, his groomsmen, my bridesmaids, and some of my various out ot town family memebers. everybody else was on their own. we gave plenty of notice for people to start booking rooms & flights. she already knew it.
    Posted by MrsJoshuaParker4
    That does sound complicated! I was just curoius why you guys were choosing to plan in a state other than where you currently live.  Totally understandable.

    But I think you've been perfectly generous by covering the hotel accomodations for the OOT immediate family/important guests. That's really nice of you.
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    OP, please stop posting in colors other than black.  It is difficult to read.



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