sister doesn't want to be maid of honor

rjodrie

Hello everyone, first time posting because I have a huge WP/MOH problem. When my fiance and I first got engaged, I asked my sister to be my MOH because she's my sister and we spend a lot of time with each other and I love her. She was unsure if she wanted to do it because she didn't want us to fight a lot about wedding stuff but we talked about it and thought it would be ok. Unfortunately, we have been fighting and I've been unable to talk about wedding stuff with her without her complaining that I'm too concerned with the details too far in advance (wedding is Aug. 2011). She says I go on too long about the wedding whenever I talk about it. When I first got engaged, I was extremely excited and probably talked about it too much. However, I heard what she was saying about being overwhelmed and stopped talking about it. A month later, I tried to bring up a few details to bounce ideas off her and she flipped out. We got into a huge fight and later on she wrote me an email saying she didn't have the knowledge or skills to discuss wedding stuff with me and that I should hire a wedding planner and if I wanted to choose someone else as my MOH I should do this to. Am I way out of line to think that she is being really unsupportive? I know that if I replace her, the fact that she is not my MOH and couldn't support me in my only wedding, would negatively affect our relationship. I haven't talked to her since the email. What should I do?  

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sister-doesnt-want-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e25fa349-d70d-4463-b002-201f02c5df31Post:8f0eb3d9-c497-4044-bfca-5d6520504833">sister doesn't want to be maid of honor</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello everyone, first time posting because I have a huge WP/MOH problem. When my fiance and I first got engaged, I asked my sister to be my MOH because she's my sister and we spend a lot of time with each other and I love her. She was unsure if she wanted to do it because she didn't want us to fight a lot about wedding stuff but we talked about it and thought it would be ok. Unfortunately, we have been fighting and I've been unable to talk about wedding stuff with her without her complaining that I'm too concerned with the details too far in advance (wedding is Aug. 2011). She says I go on too long about the wedding whenever I talk about it. When I first got engaged, I was extremely excited and probably talked about it too much. However, I heard what she was saying about being overwhelmed and stopped talking about it. A month later, I tried to bring up a few details to bounce ideas off her and she flipped out. We got into a huge fight and later on she wrote me an email saying she didn't have the knowledge or skills to discuss wedding stuff with me and that <strong>I should hire a wedding planner</strong> and if I wanted to choose someone else as my MOH I should do this to. Am I way out of line to think that she is being really unsupportive? I know that if I replace her, the fact that she is not my MOH and couldn't support me in my only wedding, would negatively affect our relationship. I haven't talked to her since the email. What should I do?  
Posted by rjodrie[/QUOTE]
Your sister sounds like a smart person.  It's not her job to help you plan your wedding, so if you really need the help, you should take her advice and hire someone.  You have basically two options here:

1) Apologize for getting bride brain, tell her that you still want her in the wedding and you'll ease off the wedding talk in the future

2) Accept her decision and work on patching up your relationship with her, leaving the wedding entirely out of it

Either way, you should probably stop discussing details with her.  She's told you multiple times, loud and clear, that she doesn't care.  It's nothing personal, it's just that hearing about the minutiae of someone else's party is deathly boring.  Take a hint.

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sister-doesnt-want-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e25fa349-d70d-4463-b002-201f02c5df31Post:8f0eb3d9-c497-4044-bfca-5d6520504833">sister doesn't want to be maid of honor</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello everyone, first time posting because I have a huge WP/MOH problem. When my fiance and I first got engaged, I asked my sister to be my MOH because she's my sister and we spend a lot of time with each other and I love her. She was unsure if she wanted to do it because she didn't want us to fight a lot about wedding stuff but we talked about it and thought it would be ok. Unfortunately, we have been fighting and I've been unable to talk about wedding stuff with her without her complaining that I'm too concerned with the details too far in advance (wedding is Aug. 2011). She says I go on too long about the wedding whenever I talk about it. When I first got engaged, I was extremely excited and probably talked about it too much. However, I heard what she was saying about being overwhelmed and stopped talking about it. A month later, I tried to bring up a few details to bounce ideas off her and she flipped out. We got into a huge fight and later on she wrote me an email saying she didn't have the knowledge or skills to discuss wedding stuff with me and that I should hire a wedding planner and if I wanted to choose someone else as my MOH I should do this to. <strong>Am I way out of line to think that she is being really unsupportive? </strong>I know that if I replace her, the fact that she is not my MOH and couldn't support me in my only wedding, would negatively affect our relationship. I haven't talked to her since the email. What should I do?  
Posted by rjodrie[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes, because your sister is right she is NOT your wedding planner, it is you and your FI's job to plan NOT your sisters. </div><div>
</div><div>Welcome to Wedding Planning 101, here are things to need to learn to make you and everyone else who involve in your wedding more enjoyable.</div><div>
</div><div>1. Your MOH/BMs only job/requirement/expectation is to buy the dress (in which you need to ask each girl individually on what their price range is) and show up the day of your wedding.</div><div>
</div><div>2. Your MOH/BM do not have to help you plan anything dealing your wedding or help make anything for your wedding. If they offer or you ask and they accept then great, but they are not required to do it since its not their wedding and they aren't being paid.</div><div>
</div><div>3. Your MOH/BM do not have to attend or plan pre-wedding parties such as bridal showers and bachelorette parties. </div><div>
</div><div>You can be bummed if they don't want to help, aren't interested, etc but you should never force, guilt trip, or harbor negative feelings toward them if they don't want to talk, plan, or listen to your wedding stuff.</div><div>
</div><div>What you need to do is to apologize to your sister for your actions on wanting her to plan and tell her that you will not bring up any wedding talk with her unless she asks. You do NOT kick her out, it will only cause huge drama and very hurt feelings.
<div>
</div></div>

[Deleted User]

Ditto pp. I think you should have a talk and come to an agreement with your sister. Explain to her that you are sorry and really want her to be your MOH.

It is easy to get carried away with wedding planning and details, but sometimes you just have to take a step back. If she doesn't have any interest in helping you, that is fine and to be expected. You and your FI are the ones responsible for planning your wedding, not anyone else. If they want to help, fine, but you can't just go delegating jobs to people.

tlbattaglia

While she's not your wedding planner, I think you should be able to bounce ideas off of her.  I would be a little hurt/frustrated if I were you also.  I would have a heart to heart convo with her (when you're getting along) and make the decision together.  If she really doesn't want to be the MOH, then I would choose someone else.  Everyone will be happier.

AutumnFair

<div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;line-height:normal;">In Response to <a style="text-decoration:none;font-weight:normal;color:#1f1f1f;" href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sister-doesnt-want-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e25fa349-d70d-4463-b002-201f02c5df31Post:bc614936-327b-4035-afba-895b238872e6">Re: sister doesn't want to be maid of honor</a>:
[QUOTE]While she's not your wedding planner, I think you should be able to bounce ideas off of her.  I would be a little hurt/frustrated if I were you also.  I would have a heart to heart convo with her (when you're getting along) and make the decision together.  If she really doesn't want to be the MOH, then I would choose someone else.  Everyone will be happier.
Posted by tlbattaglia[/QUOTE]

<div>Why do you think its alright to bounce ideas off of someone who obviously is not interested in wedding stuff (and has made it clear that she is bothered by it)? There could be reasons why she isn't interested, maybe she's jealous but why would you torture a friend/family with jealousy not only is it making her life miserable, her actions are going to make you miserable. If my sister was not interested in my wedding I would not PUSH or FORCE her to "fake" being interested or if its annoying/hurtful of all the "me, myself, and i" talk about "my wedding". She is my sister and I love her for who she is not for her to be interested in EVERY DETAIL of my wedding. I would never demote or kick her out because of it.</div><div>
</div><div>People can be disappointed or a little hurt with certain people's lack of wanting to be involve but they <strong><em><u>need to get over it</u></em></strong> because a wedding is about them <em>no one will always be as interested as the Bride.</em></div><div><em>
</em></div><div>She needs to apologize and let her sister (not her) decide if she wants to remain MOH or in the WP.</div></div>

graysquirrel

In this case I think that both of you are wrong. First, your sister is wrong that it is too early to plan. If you're 10 mo out you should definitely be planning. These things take time and lots of effort, especaially if you DIY. It is important to be plugging the wedding into your schedule so that details are taken care of.
Here is where I think you were wrong. No BM is required to offer any support; if you get it, consider it a gift. Like others have said, they buy a dress and show up looking pretty. That is their job. I can really understand your need to bounce ideas off of people, but I, and probably everyone else on here, use this place to do that. Everyone here wants to talk wedding. Lots of times family and friends wont. Use this (or whatever else you like) as a sounding board vs. your sister and your relationship will improve.

jessshirey

I disagree with the whole all BM are supposed to do is buy the dress and show up. Really girls how many wedding have you been in that you don't end up helping in some sort of way. Think about it. I've been in plenty of wedding where i've had to help stuff envelopes or even had to help decorate. I don't really think all that stuff is to much to ask if you're their true friend. Your might not like doing that stuff but that's why your a BM and her friend at the same time. I guess is that your gonna proably need help with your wedding stuff at one point and let me guess your gonna ask a BM do something. Unless your made of money and can afford a wedding planner to do it all.

Also its your SISTER you should be able to discuss anything with them. That's your family. So here you must have one really bitchy sister and you just have to face that fact and move on that you can't talk to her about this stuff. Try your mom or if you have another close friend or another BM

deepcovejackie

Jessshirey--it's about expectations.  A bride has no right to expect wedding planning help from her wedding party.  If they offer, great.  Her sister made it perfectly clear that she was not interested in helping with the planning.  Therefore, the bride has no reason to expect help.

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sister-doesnt-want-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e25fa349-d70d-4463-b002-201f02c5df31Post:136d2103-2dcd-4928-80ff-bc65f628e858">Re: sister doesn't want to be maid of honor</a>:
[QUOTE]I disagree with the whole all BM are supposed to do is buy the dress and show up. <strong>Really girls how many wedding have you been in that you don't end up helping in some sort of way. </strong>Think about it. I've been in plenty of wedding where i've had to help stuff envelopes or even had to help decorate. I don't really think all that stuff is to much to ask if you're their true friend. <strong>Your might not like doing that stuff but that's why your a BM and her friend at the same time.</strong> I guess is that your gonna proably need help with your wedding stuff at one point and let me guess your gonna ask a BM do something. Unless your made of money and can afford a wedding planner to do it all. Also its your SISTER you should be able to discuss anything with them. That's your family. So here you must have one really bitchy sister and you just have to face that fact and move on that you can't talk to her about this stuff. Try your mom or if you have another close friend or another BM
Posted by jessshirey[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I've been in a lot of weddings and I have<em> never </em>been <strong>forced</strong> into do something I do not want to do for the Bride (be it DIY projects or general decorating).</div><div>
</div><div>Also I have not been IN weddings where I offer to help the Bride with things because I am crafty and just like making stuff.</div><div>
</div><div>Personally, a sister (just like a friend) does not have to interested. My sister is definitely not a wedding type and I would never force her to listen to my ideas or ask her opinions on stuff. 

</div>

aerinpegadrak

How much your friends are willing to help is inversely proportional to how much you ask of them.  (i.e. asking more gets you less, and asking less gets you more)  I've yet to encounter any evidence that contradicts this theorum. 

Your friends, regardless of title, should be helping out because they genuinely want to make you happy, not because they've been assigned a chore.

redheadtmk

right, wrong, or indifferent i am sorry that your relatioship with your sister is strained. my sister is my best friend and i would be crushed if she said she wasnt interested in my wedding.  i spent years looking at house plans with her that changed every week until i swore i would live in a cardboard box because i was so sick of them. but even then i still looked at them and was excited for her. they have built several houses and i am excited for her even though i am sick of them. sisters should be supportive despite all the "rules" of wedding planning. i am sorry that you and your sister dont have that kind of relationship. good luck!

meganmarie825

If you are choosing someone as your BM or MOH it is because you obviously have a close enough relationship that you want them to stand beside you while you make a promise to stand beside you husband for the rest of your life. No they are not you r"wedding planner" but they are not just supposed to buy the dress and show up on the day.

Not to mention its her sister. You should be able to share happy, sad, excited etc times with your family members and planning a wedding is certainly all of those things. You do need "support" at times through the process. If you are stressed or confused about what fabric the BM's dresses should be do you really think you FI is going to help?! My FI is amazing but he could care less about fabrics!

My personal opinion would be to pick someone as your MOH who is genuinely happy for you and wants to be apart of the process. It will be less stressful!!

Hope that helps

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sister-doesnt-want-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e25fa349-d70d-4463-b002-201f02c5df31Post:e269e6b7-6501-46e7-8cf8-bd6ebe473162">Re: sister doesn't want to be maid of honor</a>:
[QUOTE]If you are choosing someone as your BM or MOH it is because you obviously have a close enough relationship that you want them to stand beside you while you make a promise to stand beside you husband for the rest of your life. No they are not you r"wedding planner" but they are not just supposed to buy the dress and show up on the day. Not to mention its her sister. You should be able to share happy, sad, excited etc times with your family members and planning a wedding is certainly all of those things.<strong> You do need "support" at times through the process. If you are stressed or confused about what fabric the BM's dresses should be do you really think you FI is going to help?! My FI is amazing but he could care less about fabrics</strong>! My personal opinion would be to pick someone as your MOH who is genuinely happy for you and wants to be apart of the process. It will be less stressful!! Hope that helps :)
Posted by meganmarie825[/QUOTE]

<div>Wait, wait, wait. You won't bother your FI because he's not interested in fabrics but you will pester/expect your BM who may ALSO not be interested in fabrics. Heck, my one best friend could only name you two fabrics that she knows (cotton and polyester) why in the heck would I force her into helping me pick a fabric in which she has no knowledge or interest. Your logic makes zero sense. You won't force the man you are going to married to help you make a decision but you will force/expect your friend/family.</div><div>
</div><div> If a Bride is STRESSING over details over her wedding she is getting too wrapped up into details and needs to slow down and remember that a wedding isn't about a party or details its about marrying the man you love. And to expect some moral support for decisions is crazy, like I said a post before Brides who are unsure if they want to get married actually need some support from someone.</div>

tinap13

The maid/matron of honor is part worker bee, part emotional lifeboat. Chosen for your energetic, get-the-ball-in-motion qualities, you should also remember that listening to the bride, making her laugh, and offering emotional and logistical support are also part of your honor attendant package. Here's what's expected:

• Lead the bridesmaid troupe. It's the maid/matron of honor's (MOH) job to direct the other maids through their duties. Make sure everyone gets their bridesmaid dresses, go to dress fittings, and find the right jewelry. Also provide them with the 411 on all prewedding parties.

   

   

• Help shop for dresses (the bride's and the bridesmaids'). And the MOH pays for her own entire wedding outfit (including shoes).

   

   

• Offer to help the bride with prewedding tasks, from addressing invites to choosing the wedding colors and nodding enthusiastically when she waxes poetic about wedding cake.

   

   

• Spread the news about where the bride and groom are registered.

   

   

• Help the bride change for her honeymoon and take charge of her gown after the ceremony. Arrange for storage in a safe place until she returns.

   

   

• Lend an ear. Whether it's about the planning, the marriage, or the registry china patterns, the MOH should assure the bride that she has someone with whom she can share her thoughts. Even if she seems to dwell on the same subjects repeatedly, the MOH keeps listening.
  

   

   

• Host or cohost a bridal shower for the bride.

   

   

• Attend all prewedding parties.

   

   

• Keep a record of all the gifts received at various parties and showers (or delegate a bridesmaid to handle this).

   

   

• Plan the bachelorette party with the bridesmaids.

   

   

• See to it that all bridesmaids get to the rehearsal; coordinate transportation and lodging, if necessary.

   

   

• Make sure that all bridesmaids get their hair and makeup done, get to the ceremony on time, and have the correct bouquets.

   

   

• Hold the groom's ring during the ceremony. Safest place to put it? On your thumb.

   

   

• Arrange the bride's train and veil before the ceremony begins and just after she arrives at the altar. The MOH might also need to help her bustle the train for easy dancing at the reception.

   

   

• Hold the bride's bouquet while the couple exchanges vows.

   

   

• Sign the marriage license as a witness, along with the best man.

   

   

• Stand next to the groom in the receiving line (this is optional; the bride may decide to have attendants circulate among the guests instead).

   

   

• Play hostess along with the other bridesmaids at frequent points during the reception: show guests where to sit, direct them to restrooms, tell them to where to put presents, invite them to sign the guest book, etc.

   

   

• Collect any gift envelopes brought to the reception and keep them in a safe place.

   

   

• Make sure the bride takes a moment to eat something -- refresh her drink, get her a plate of food from the buffet table, or instruct the wait staff to keep her entree warm.

   

   

• Dance with the best man during the formal first-dance sequence and possibly be announced with him at the beginning of the party. Also dance with other groomsmen, the groom, and others.

   

   

• Toast the couple after the best man. (This is optional, but it is a nice touch.)

   

   

• Troubleshoot emotional crises. In most cases, this will require lots of tissues, hugging, and hair-smoothing. The MOH continues to be a trusted friend, a good listener, and a smart advisor.

   

   

• Keep the bride laughing. For the stressed-out bride, laughter can be as effective as venting.

   

 

-- Wendy Paris

 

And this is posted on THIS SITE the knot

redheadtmk

retread...if you manage to plan your entire wedding w/o any stress from family, hiccups in plans, things you have your heart set on being too much $ etc  or anything else causing any kind of emotional or mental strain Good for you. i am truly happy for you. as for the rest of us, i dont think i have ever met a bride who didnt have a bit of stress over something in thier wedding if only for a day. stuff goes wrong from the beginning up to the last minute. not just with the wedding but in your everday life which could affect the wedding. those times you do need support no matter how joyous an occassion a wedding is.
also everyones definition of family is different. and the expectations of how family should interact is different. one is not better than the other. i am just thannkful that my sister is my biggest cheerleader.

hlq2011

I take issue with saying that wedding planning doesn't require support.  Honestly, I think there's a lot of drama that goes into planning a wedding, and I think it's perfectly reasonable to need to vent.  Family drama, complaining that FI has no interest in the planning, whatever - there are times you just want a friendly ear.

It's also perfectly reasonable to want someone to bounce ideas off of.

That said, a bride needs to recognize that while some people in her life may be willing to be talked at over details, far more aren't going to be willing to listen to it.  I find myself babbling wedding details to a couple of my bridesmaids probably too frequently, but I try to stop and ask them if they're getting sick of listening to me.

OP, she's your sister, not your wedding planner.  Ten months out, yes, you should be planning things but getting caught up in all the details this early - and trying to get your WP caught up in the details this early - is a recipe for disaster.  Take some time, breathe, try to spend some time with your sister doing something completely unrelated to the wedding, and tell her that you want her to be your MOH because you love her, and she's your sister, no matter if she won't talk fabrics and flowers with you for the rest of your engagement.  Your relationship will be better for it.

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sister-doesnt-want-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e25fa349-d70d-4463-b002-201f02c5df31Post:680ef1bc-395c-43b0-b3eb-c6aa45360cfa">Re: sister doesn't want to be maid of honor</a>:
[QUOTE]The maid/matron of honor is part worker bee, part emotional lifeboat. <div><strong>What about closest friend/family? WTF?</strong></div><div>
</div><div> Chosen for your energetic, get-the-ball-in-motion qualities, you should also remember that listening to the bride, making her laugh, and offering emotional and logistical support are also part of your honor attendant package.</div><div><strong>No, and if ANY person was chosen because of these "expectations" are shallow.</strong></div><div>
</div><div> Here's what's expected: Lead the bridesmaid troupe. It's the maid/matron of honor's (MOH) job to direct the other maids through their duties.</div><div><strong>Didn't do any of that when I was MOH</strong></div><div>
</div><div> Make sure everyone gets their bridesmaid dresses , go to dress fittings, and find the right jewelry.</div><div><strong>Not MY job, a person should be responsible for their OWN dress, no one HAS to go to fittings, and to coordinate jewelry is ridiculous. </strong></div><div>
</div><div> Also provide them with the 411 on all prewedding parties.</div><div><strong>I did do this for the sake of making sure for those who wanted to be involve. But I have been in WP where someone else was in charged and did the whole thing.</strong></div><div>
</div><div>Help shop for dresses (the bride's and the bridesmaids').</div><div><strong>People have lives, if the MOH is busy or across the country, how is she suppose to do these thing? Seriously, not the MOH's job. The Bride can go with other people to look for dresses. </strong></div><div>
</div><div> And the MOH pays for her own entire wedding outfit (including shoes).   </div><div><strong>Not if the shoes are a specific, then its up to the Bride to pay. Also they should mention that the Bride should ASK EACH girl individually what price range they are comfortable in spending for a dress (that they will NEVER wear again).</strong></div><div>
</div><div>  Offer to help the bride with prewedding tasks, from addressing invites to  choosing the wedding colors and nodding enthusiastically when she waxes poetic about wedding cake . </div><div><strong>Once again, BS, people have lives and no one has to do anything for the Bride. It is HER wedding, if she needs help hire someone.</strong></div><div>
</div><div>Spread the news about where the bride and groom are registered.     </div><div><strong>Never did. ZOMG, I'm terrible.</strong></div><div>
</div><div>Help the bride change for her honeymoon and take charge of her gown after the ceremony.</div><div><strong>Yeah, never did this either. Not the Bride's slave.</strong></div><div>
</div><div> Arrange for storage in a safe place until she returns. </div><div><strong>Not the Bride's slave. Plus what if something happens to the dress. I would never put that kind of stress on my friend.</strong></div><div>
</div><div>    Lend an ear. Whether it's about the planning, the marriage, or the registry china patterns , the MOH should assure the bride that she has someone with whom she can share her thoughts. Even if she seems to dwell on the same subjects repeatedly, the MOH keeps listening.</div><div><strong>Why would ANY person think it is alright to blab about their wedding all day and night. Seriously, its a party, some people like to talk wedding but for those who don't LEAVE them ALONE! Once again, people have lives, my one friend teaches and coaches sometimes we only talk once a month.</strong></div><div>
</div><div>Host or cohost a  bridal shower for the bride.     </div><div><strong>Optional. (TheKnot is apart of the wedding industry of course they want to influence people to throw parties).</strong></div><div>
</div><div>Attend all prewedding parties.</div><div><strong>Optional. Once again people have lives. Your prewedding parties are NOT the wedding so if someone has a prior engagement or just don't have the funds. Brides need to be a good friend and understand.</strong></div><div>
</div><div> Keep a record of all the gifts received at various parties and showers (or delegate a bridesmaid to handle this). </div><div><strong>This I've done, but I have also seen family member in charge of this.</strong></div><div>
</div><div> Plan the bachelorette party with the bridesmaids.   </div><div><strong>Once again theKnot is trying to influence people to BUY things for wedding industry (in which they are apart of). All pre-wedding parties are optional and are not necessarily hosted by BMs or MOH. So yeah, get it out of your heads Brides.</strong></div><div>
</div><div>  See to it that all bridesmaids get to the rehearsal; coordinate transportation and lodging, if necessary. </div><div><strong>I am no one's mother, they are adults. I trust that they can do this by themselves.</strong></div><div>
</div><div>    Make sure that all bridesmaids get their hair and makeup done, get to the ceremony on time, and have the correct bouquets.</div><div><strong>Not their mother, unless someone's car breaks down then I would assume everyone can manage themselves. As for the bouquets, wouldn't that be the florist or Bride's job?</strong></div><div>
</div><div>     Hold the groom's ring during the ceremony. Safest place to put it? On your thumb.   </div><div><strong>Sound advice.</strong></div><div>
</div><div>  Arrange the bride's train and veil before the ceremony begins and just after she arrives at the altar.</div><div><strong>Sound advice.</strong></div><div>
</div><div> The MOH might also need to help her bustle the train for easy dancing at the reception.</div><div><strong>Not necessarily. It's the person who went with the Bride to see how it should be bustled initially. For my friend this was her MIL and when I (MOH) tried to do it, I had no clue and spent a good 30 minutes trying to figure it out.</strong></div><div>
</div><div>     Hold the bride's bouquet while the couple exchanges vows.</div><div><strong>Sound advice.</strong></div><div>
</div><div>     Sign the marriage license as a witness, along with the best man.</div><div><strong>Not necessarily. For my friend, the Catholic wedding she had required someone who was Catholic to sign the license. I was kind of sad by this.</strong></div><div>
</div><div>     Stand next to the groom in the receiving line (this is optional; the bride may decide to have attendants circulate among the guests instead).</div><div><strong>Wow, they actually said optional.</strong></div><div>
</div><div>     Play hostess along with the other bridesmaids at frequent points during the reception: show guests where to sit, direct them to restrooms, tell them to where to put presents, invite them to sign the guest book, etc.</div><div><strong>Not a hostess, that would be the Bride and Groom. Plus most of time the WP is last to arrive and don't do anything until the WP entrance. </strong></div><div>
</div><div>     Collect any gift envelopes brought to the reception and keep them in a safe place.</div><div><strong>I am NOT responsible for B&G money. This has to be ridiculous thing I heard, no one but the B&G should hold onto their gift money.</strong></div><div>
</div><div>     Make sure the bride takes a moment to eat something -- refresh her drink, get her a plate of food from the buffet table, or instruct the wait staff to keep her entree warm.</div><div><strong>This is the description of a wedding planner/coordinator, hire them, not force her MOH/BM to do this.</strong></div><div>
</div><div>     Dance with the best man during the formal first-dance sequence and possibly be announced with him at the beginning of the party. Also dance with other groomsmen, the groom, and others.</div><div><strong>Yeah, WP dances are boring. The announcement this is fine, and I will dance with whomever I want.</strong></div><div>
</div><div>     Toast the couple after the best man. (This is optional, but it is a nice touch.)  </div><div><strong>Wow, kind of surprised they have the toast as optional.</strong></div><div>
</div><div>   Troubleshoot emotional crises. In most cases, this will require lots of tissues, hugging, and hair-smoothing. The MOH continues to be a trusted friend, a good listener, and a smart advisor.</div><div><strong>What emotional crises? The only one I can think of is the Groom not being there.</strong></div><div>
</div><div>     Keep the bride laughing. For the stressed-out bride, laughter can be as effective as venting.</div><div><strong>Trust me, the one time I tried to make a joke for a stressed bride she snapped and went into Bridezilla mode. There is no real thing you can do if the Bride is stressing out besides staying on her good side.</strong></div><div>
</div><div>     -- Wendy Paris   </div><div>
</div><div>And this is posted on THIS SITE the knot :)</div><div>
</div><div><strong>So you DO realize that most of this stuff is made up stuff thought of by the wedding industry so they can take as much money from as many people as possible? I mean a reasonable person would NEVER expect ALL of what was on that list. </strong></div><div>
</div><div>Posted by tinap13[/QUOTE]

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marissa_claire

I didn't read through the other posts, but you should be counting your blessings that you have someone willing to point out that you're talking too much about wedding stuff.  A lot of brides fail to realize that weddings are terribly un-interesting to the rest of the masses. 

redheadtmk

i am sorry you have had a hard life.i can understand your point of view and why you define stress and support the way you do.  i dont think anyone on here is equating wedding stress and the support they are looking for to the type of stress and support they would require if facing a serious issue like you mentioned. there are many levels of stress and many types of support. i have been through many hardships similiar to yours. i lived in NY for 9/11...i will live it at that for the sake of not spilling my guts. however i still will refer to small things such as having 3 papers due in one week as stressful. i think these girls (within reason) have a right to call wedding planning stressful. i just pray that those small things will always be the types of stress that they have.