MOB regrets

zaralin

My daughter was recently engaged and we couldn't be happier. 
[Edited to reflect my sincere and true feelings.]
The take away message:
1.  Ask daughter if she wanted my help and if she did, how would she like me to help.

2.  Throw all expectations of what I perceived my role as the mother of the bride to be out the window. 

3.  Ask myself first if my "helpful advice" is truly helpful at all.  Ask myself if it comes across as advice, criticism, or my agenda.  

4.  Be thankful and praise often. 

5.  Love unconditionally.

calliopeia2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_jilted-mob?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e3567c57-4e51-4696-a09b-f4cd652509ddPost:268baf03-6337-4cba-adb4-c663e2ecf096">Jilted MOB</a>:
[QUOTE]My daughter was recently engaged and we couldn't be happier.  In an attempt to respect her privacy and not bombard her immediately with questions about the wedding, I held off and now I wish I didn't.  I wanted to be sensitive.  I had no idea she was going full steam ahead with her wedding plans pretty much without asking any advice from me.  Before I could blink, all of her bridesmaids were selected, and now we have hurt feelings on my side of the family.  The bridesmaids are mostly friends, some we don't really know very well.  Two of the bridemaids are relatives of the groom which was expected.  Six bridesmaids in all.    The main problem with one of the bridesmaids is that I feel she is completely taking over my daughter's wedding.  My daughter seems to have placed her in charge of the most important aspect of the wedding, selecting the venue.  I definitely don't feel this is her place and is a decision that should be reserved for the bride and groom or the bride and her parents to decide on.  I am an incredible negotiator and would love to get her the best deal possible.  To place a girlfriend without any kind of experience in this position could cost my daughter thousands of dollars.   All I've been hearing for the past few weeks is how helpful this particular bridesmaid and her mother have been, and how she is handling everything.  It always comes on the heels of making some suggestions.  This has hurt my feelings several times when I've heard these remarks.  The other day we talked on the phone, and I did express to my daughter that I felt this girl was taking over the plans of her wedding.  This bridesmaid also has a friend she came up with who has offered to be the day of wedding coordinator.  I feel this is totally unnecessary.  It would be a different matter if this wedding coordinator person could get my daughter some good deals on a venue, but to have a total stranger at the wedding reception bossing everyone around does not bode well with me.  Sorry, but all my dealings with day of wedding coordinators is that they are obnoxious and rude.  My daughter feels it is necessary to keep things on a schedule. gag  Well, anyway, the conversation did not go well, and my daughter sent me some very nasty emails and will not speak to us now.  In one of the emails she said she couldn't figure out why I felt left out, and that this bridesmaid has actually been suggesting ways to include me such as doing calligraphy and other things.  HUH??!!  I don't even do calligraphy.  SHE is coming up with ways to include me?  Excuse me?  It should be the other way around.  I should be coming up with ways to include her.  Let's just "throw the dog a bone" is how I feel right about now.  I have my own creative ideas on how to be involved with my own daughter's wedding.  I don't need some kid telling me how I can be involved with my daughter's wedding.  I am so insulted and hurt right now.  I need advice on how to handle this, because as it stands right now, I don't even want to go to my own daughter's wedding.  She has certainly made it clear that her girlfirends are the world to her, and they will be taking care of everything.  In one email to her father she expressed that she didn't want her wedding to turn out like a recent friend's wedding she attended where the mother was controlling everything.  I<strong> wasn't planning on controlling anything.</strong>  I just wanted my daughter to at least ask my opinion on some things.  I wanted to feel useful.  Anyway, I guess she doesn't need me.  She is my only child, and I dreamt for this day where we could be a mother and daughter and plan her special day together.  My dreams and hopes are dashed.  I guess I just show up and smile.    Thanks for listening.  
Posted by zaralin[/QUOTE]

Seriously?  You don't want to attend your own daughter's wedding because you're not in control of planning it?  You realize that that's the ultimate in passive-aggressive, controlling behavior, right?  Holding your attendance hostage to her obedience to you?

Look, usually I try to be nice to people on these boards who have unrealistic or unhealthy expectations if they're genuinely hurting as a result of those expectations.  But this is one the cruelest, most passive-aggressive, and yes, most controlling things I've ever read.  You should be proud of the fact that you're raised a strong, independant daughter with a close and supportive network of friends.  Instead you're seething with anger and bitterness over the fact that she won't just back down and do whatever you tell her to.  Frankly, I'm not remotely surprised that she doesn't want your advice if this is how you treat her.  You should be ashamed of yourself. 

If you don't realize how cruel and unhealthy your attitude is, all I can do is urge you to seek out therapy to help you understand.

zaralin

Just want to clarify.  In the moment I felt like I didn't want to attend her wedding and I NEVER said anything to her like that to try and control anything.  I wanted to convey in the post that I was "feeling" that way because of the pain. 

unchatenfrance

"The bridesmaids are mostly friends, some we don't really know very well."

These aren't your bridesmaids. You don't need to know them well at all. Do you think the MOG's mother is complaining that she doesn't know some of the groomsmen "very well"?

Also, unless you're paying for the whole shindig, you don't really get much say. I don't understand people who get upset that the bride is enlisting friends to help plan the wedding (which is ridiculous) but then you say that the venue is something the bride and her parents should take care of. Where is the groom in this? Even if you are paying for the wedding, it should not just be your daughter and you. Yes, the bridesmaids can ease off a bit, but the groom needs to be included too.

ETA: I am an only child too (as is my mother) and if she had come to me insisting that she be involved in planning my wedding, I would have had a similar reaction to your daughter's. I'm sorry you're hurt, but it's really not your place to help her plan her wedding. She already seems to have clear ideas of what she wants, and there's nothing you can do about that. Even if you are contributing financially to the wedding, you really can't dictate to her what flowers or invitations to choose.

unchatenfrance

Calliopeia, I don't see where OP says she wouldn't come to the wedding.

"You should be proud of the fact that you're raised a strong, independant daughter with a close and supportive network of friends." -- THIS.

GoodLuckBear14

What was your relationship with your daughter like before the engagement?  If you weren't close, it is unrealistic to expect her to have wanted your help in wedding planning.

Maggie0829

I can see why you are upset but you are just going to have to get over it.  You had very high expectations of what you wanted from this time without even knowning how your daughter wanted this time to be like.  You need to lower your expectations and support your daughters decisions, because it doesn't sound like she is making any poor decisions.

Your daughter is an adult and since it seems like she and her FI are financing this whole thing then she doesn't have to include you or anyone else (except her FI) in the planning process.

As for her BMs, why does it matter that you don't know them?  Like PP said, they aren't your BMs they are your daughters so if they are close to her then that is all that matters.  She is not required to include anyone in the wedding because they are family.

As for the one BM "taking over the wedding".  Maybe your daughter loves this persons ideas and suggestions.  Maybe they have the same tastes and vision.  And what does it matter if your daughter has this BMs friend be the DOC instead of another DOC that you don't know either?

Now that you vented your frustrations you need to drop it.  Support her and help her in anyway that you can, but ultimately it is her wedding and her decisions.

calliopeia2013

She said she didn't want to attend the wedding anymore. I only meant to call her out for that attitude, there's not enough info in the OP to tell if she actually said that to her daughter or not. My issue really isn't with whatever actions she might or might not have taken, it's with the entitlement. The concept of feeling jilted because your grown kid doesn't always want you involved in every aspect of their life seems terrible to me.

jnjmommy0609

Being a mom myself I get that feeling. But being a daughter and a daughter in my 20s who is still trying to find my own way without feeling like I am still and 8 year old I also get how she is feeling.

Bottom line..tell her if she wants advice you are there for her. Adult children like to know they can make their own choices and have their own opinions without feeling like their own is getting run over by their parents. If she knows that you are there for questions but you are not forcing anything she will feel better about it all.  And no...you did not make any mistakes by not forcing your opinions about venues, dresses or whatever else on her. That is probably the best thing I have seen in this type of situation.

And suck it up and just go to the wedding. If you don't go to the wedding you will regret it. And really...it's kind of ridiculous to not go over this.

afeliz79

It sounds to me like you are mad that the BM is taking control of the wedding instead of you.

romarie

I hope you are joking.  While I don't MIND helping out with my son and FDIL's wedding, I would LOVE to be able to sit back and relax! 

Of course as a mother, you WANT to be a part of it, you WANT to help make decisions, and you WANT your daughter to have an amazing day.  But think about yourself too!  On her wedding day, do YOU want to be running around taking care of everything, getting everything ready, making sure everything is perfect or do you want to sit back and watch your daughter enjoy a wonderful day in her life?? 

You may not know the bridesmaids well, but SHE does.  Sounds like she was a GREAT support group!  I think unless you want to not be invited because of all this nonsense, you better make some decisions on how you want to deal with this! 

j-harvey

You are not required to pay for this, and the flip side is she is not required to involve you in the process. Your reaction to being excluded makes me wonder how supportive she perceived you and how close she perceived your relationship. We would be tearing into her if she complained that you weren't meeting her expectations, so the posts here have been relatively mild.

MairePoppy

Hi zaralin. I'm an MOB also.

Your original non-intrusive approach was the correct way to go. You think that has not worked out to your advantage right now, but there is still plenty of planning time ahead.

This is how my husband and I have handled things: As soon as DD and FSIL started planning, we gave them $$ to put toward their wedding budget. We didn't put any conditions on it because it was our wedding gift to them.  My DD and FSIL have done most of the planning and the wedding will be a reflection of their tastes, which is how it should be. My DD and I went shopping for THE DRESS together and every once in awhile she asks for an opinion. Otherwise, we have remained hands off and we are still getting along and looking forward to the wedding at the end of this month. YEY!

I think you may have scared your daughter off by criticizing her choice of bms, wedding coordinator etc... This has resulted in a nasty exchange with you feeling like you don't want to go to your daughter's wedding. So take a different approach. Ask her about her ideas and show enthusiasm and support for them, even if you think your ideas are better.  Be positive and your daughter will probably want to talk wedding with you.

Who is paying for the wedding: If your daughter is paying for her wedding venue, stay out of the negotiations, unless she asks you. IF you are paying, you have a right to go over the contract with the vendor before you sign anything.

mrsfrontrunner

Zaralin first off, congratulations on the happy occasion of your daughter getting married! And for you to get a son in law. What a wonderful time this should be for everyone!! As a recently engaged woman myself, similar to your daughter, I 'steam rolled' ahead with my plans with no input from my family. Other than a date of course. To be honest, my family did not seem at all interested in the wedding planning process. I had to steam roll ahead when I found that my number one venue was already booked for my date. A year out. I didn't want to lose out on anything else. Though I admire that you wanted to give her some time to bask in her engagement, maybe she ran into a similar situation. Just talk to her about non wedding related things, tell her that you love her and support her decisions, then try not to be defensive when she doesn't take your advice. Congratulations again! This site is filled with many wonderful women who can help with all aspects of the wedding process that you'll be going through.

warpedredpenguin

You sound like my mother. She threw fits that I was going with my own plans rather than hers, talking things over with my husband and friends rather than her. I stopped bouncing ideas off of her because every idea I had that was slightly offbeat or geeky she went into convulsions over. She kept telling me "you don't want that at your wedding". What she meant was she didn't want it, because what would people say?

However, wedding planning brought my mother and I closer in the end because after months of being kept out of the loop, she promised to altar her behavior and attitude. She ended up being a great help and support to us, which is really all she wanted. She finally accepted that I'm an adult, and my own person, and I was going to do the wedding the way H and I wanted with or without her. She decided being involved was more important than getting her way. 

You need to let go of your preconceived notions about how your daughter's wedding needs to go. Ask her what her vision is, and how you can help her achieve it. You're not wrong for wanting to be involved, but your attitude about it needs a major adjustment. She's an adult. Her friends who are helping her are adults. Trust your adult daughter to know what she's doing, and offer your unbiased assistance. If she needs your help, she'll ask you for it, IF you give her the room and respect she, as an adult, deserves. 

pink34562000

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_jilted-mob?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e3567c57-4e51-4696-a09b-f4cd652509ddPost:268baf03-6337-4cba-adb4-c663e2ecf096">Jilted MOB</a>:
[QUOTE]My daughter was recently engaged and we couldn't be happier.  In an attempt to respect her privacy and not bombard her immediately with questions about the wedding, I held off and now I wish I didn't.  I wanted to be sensitive.  I had no idea she was going full steam ahead with her wedding plans pretty much without asking any advice from me.  Before I could blink, all of her bridesmaids were selected, and now we have hurt feelings on my side of the family.  The bridesmaids are mostly friends, some we don't really know very well.  Two of the bridemaids are relatives of the groom which was expected.  Six bridesmaids in all.    The main problem with one of the bridesmaids is that I feel she is completely taking over my daughter's wedding.  My daughter seems to have placed her in charge of the most important aspect of the wedding, selecting the venue.  I definitely don't feel this is her place and is a decision that should be reserved for the bride and groom or the bride and her parents to decide on.  I am an incredible negotiator and would love to get her the best deal possible.  To place a girlfriend without any kind of experience in this position could cost my daughter thousands of dollars.   All I've been hearing for the past few weeks is how helpful this particular bridesmaid and her mother have been, and how she is handling everything.  It always comes on the heels of making some suggestions.  This has hurt my feelings several times when I've heard these remarks.  The other day we talked on the phone, and I did express to my daughter that I felt this girl was taking over the plans of her wedding. <strong> </strong>This bridesmaid also has a friend she came up with who has offered to be the day of wedding coordinator.  I feel this is totally unnecessary.  It would be a different matter if this wedding coordinator person could get my daughter some good deals on a venue, but to have a total stranger at the wedding reception bossing everyone around does not bode well with me.  <strong>Sorry, but all my dealings with day of wedding coordinators is that they are obnoxious and rude.</strong> <strong> My daughter feels it is necessary to keep things on a schedule. gag</strong>  Well, anyway, the conversation did not go well, and my daughter sent me some very nasty emails and will not speak to us now.  In one of the emails she said she couldn't figure out why I felt left out, and<strong> that this bridesmaid has actually been suggesting ways to include me such as doing calligraphy and other things.  HUH??!!  I don't even do calligraphy</strong>.  SHE is coming up with ways to include me?  Excuse me?  It should be the other way around.  I should be coming up with ways to include her.  Let's just "throw the dog a bone" is how I feel right about now.  I have my own creative ideas on how to be involved with my own daughter's wedding.  I don't need some kid telling me how I can be involved with my daughter's wedding.  I am so insulted and hurt right now.  I need advice on how to handle this, because as it stands right now, I don't even want to go to my own daughter's wedding.  She has certainly made it clear that her girlfirends are the world to her, and they will be taking care of everything.  In one email to her father she expressed that she didn't want her wedding to turn out like a recent friend's wedding she attended where the mother was controlling everything.  <strong>I wasn't planning on controlling anything.</strong>  I just wanted my daughter to at least ask my opinion on some things.  I wanted to feel useful.  Anyway, I guess she doesn't need me.  She is my only child, and I dreamt for this day where we could be a mother and daughter and plan her special day together.  My dreams and hopes are dashed.  I guess I just show up and smile.    Thanks for listening.  
Posted by zaralin[/QUOTE]

You had your wedding and planned it. Can your daughter and FSIL plan their day too?

I understand that you want to be involved. However, you will have to take a major leap back and have your daughter ask for your input. If she doesn't ask for your opinion, don't give it.

Also, it was very nice of her to involve you in projects. She probably was looking forward to working with you on the calligraphy and thought it would be a great mother/daughter bonding experience. Instead, your negative attitude prevented this beautiful time between you too. Any wedding project that I had, my mother was so happy to help me with.  We made a beautiful brooch bouquet. It wasn't a fun project b/c it involved lots of wiring. Now every time I look at the bouquet, I remember the times that we had creating it together. If my mom had your attitude, I would be so hurt. That's why your daughter decided not to involve you with her wedding plans. You should apologize to her and let her know that you are there for her.

As for a final note, I disagree about the coordinator issue. I had a day of coordinator, and she was fantastic. She directed the rehearsal and made certain that we stuck to our wedding timeline. We didn't have to worry about being late or the little things b/c she took care of everything. Your daughter was smart to hire one. When your daughter and FSIL's day goes by smoothly, the coordinator is the one who made it that way.

zaralin

Thanks everyone.  I will adjust my attitude, of course.  I'm so sorry I expressed my hurt in an inappropriate way here on this forum by stating that I would not attend my daughter's wedding.  I definitely would not do any such thing nor would I ever say those words to my daughter.  I would never risk jeopardizing our relationship in that way.  And yes, that would be very passive-agressive behavior and extremely immature. 

Yes, we did offer to pay for part of the wedding, but I never offered the money so that I could have control.  That thought never crossed my mind actually.  I guess I feel hurt for my neice who was expecting my daughter to include her as one of the bridesmaids.  She even had plans to fly from NY to LA to give her a bridal shower.

As far as the planning goes, I do feel that the venue is the most important part of the whole deal and to hand that over to an unmarried girlfriend with no wedding experience to make a decision on seems risky to me.  Yes, I do know things about this particular girlfriend to cause me to feel uncomfortable, but as was stated this is her wedding and her decision to involve this girl as much as she wants.   I definitely feel selecting the venue and negotiating pricing is the responsibility of my daughter and fiance' though.  Judging from a lot of your comments it seems that I shouldn't care.  It seems normal that moms should care about things like this, but maybe not.  I applaud my daughter for being a strong, independant, woman who knows what she wants.  Absolutely.    

As the MOB, I am going through emotions I never thought I would experience.  I think getting the newsflash that we don't seem to have a close relationship is probably what I feel most devastated about.    

Pink, my daughter did not come up with the caligraphy idea.  Her friend who is orchestrating this wedding came up with the craft ideas in an attempt to make me fit in.  It hit me the wrong way making me feel invalidated.  I will gladly respond to the opportunity in a positive way to help with crafty projects.  I guess I better start taking a caligraphy class!  

These comments have certainly been an eye-opener.  I guess the consensus is that most brides don't want their moms to help out. 
 
I will sincerely apologize to my daughter, and remain uninvolved with the planning.  She certainly has made it clear she does not want me to help. 

  

ootmother2

Hi, anotther MOB here and she's also my only child so I do underestand how your initial reaction came about.

My DD was only 25 when she married so perhaps she had no firm ideas in her mind about her wedding (other than Martha Stewart and Carolina Herrera   Her FI was pretty much open to go along what what she wanted for the most part. 

We all chose the big things together.  Yes, I was slightly surprised that they wanted to get married on Cape Cod after she grew up in NYC.  But I grew up near Cape Cod and quickly adjusted.  They fell in love with a church and a reception venue.  Her father & I wanted a band as it was a formal wedding.  okay

The details were all decided by the bride & groom to be.  They were open to suggestion but it was their wedding.  Not mine.

Although when she did ask me if I thought she needed a coordinator, I told her to forget it, she had me. :P  yeah, she laughed

MairePoppy

zaralin, thanks for coming back. This is a great place to get honest advice from other moms and brides. I hope you'll stick around.

Once your daughter realizes that you are listening to and supporting her ideas, I think she will want to include you more in the planning.

zaralin

Hi Maire.  That's just it.  I don't know what my daughter's ideas and vision are.  Another friend of hers pretty much clued me in on what my daughter's vision is.  That and checking in on her Pinterest boards!  I will gladly support her in anything, but I was confused on what support looked like for her.  I thought I was being supportive, but now learned the hard way, that I was not welcome in certain aspects of the wedding planning.  If the boundaries were clearly defined, I would not have crossed over them. 

I will back off and stay in my little corner now.  I'm not pouting, just trying to sort through what my place is as her mother.  I'm waving the surrender flag and retreating. 

The brides and daughters here have given me a gift.  Another perspective on how things look from their end.  Shalom.

GoodLuckBear14

Zaralin - when is the wedding?

pink34562000

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_jilted-mob?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e3567c57-4e51-4696-a09b-f4cd652509ddPost:3c1bee4b-78a0-4de7-8340-8b48349d68a9">Re: Jilted MOB</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi Maire.  That's just it.  I don't know what my daughter's ideas and vision are.  Another friend of hers pretty much clued me in on what my daughter's vision is.  That and checking in on her Pinterest boards!  I will gladly support her in anything, but I was confused on what support looked like for her.  I thought I was being supportive, but now learned the hard way, that I was not welcome in certain aspects of the wedding planning.  If the boundaries were clearly defined, I would not have crossed over them.  I will back off and stay in my little corner now.  I'm not pouting, just trying to sort through what my place is as her mother.  I'm waving the surrender flag and retreating.  :) The brides and daughters here have given me a gift.  Another perspective on how things look from their end.  Shalom.
Posted by zaralin[/QUOTE]

I'm so happy that you have a more positive attitude.

romarie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_jilted-mob?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e3567c57-4e51-4696-a09b-f4cd652509ddPost:3c1bee4b-78a0-4de7-8340-8b48349d68a9">Re: Jilted MOB</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi Maire.  That's just it.  I don't know what my daughter's ideas and vision are.  Another friend of hers pretty much clued me in on what my daughter's vision is.  That and checking in on her Pinterest boards!  I will gladly support her in anything, but I was confused on what support looked like for her.  I thought I was being supportive, but now learned the hard way, that I was not welcome in certain aspects of the wedding planning.  If the boundaries were clearly defined, I would not have crossed over them.  I will back off and stay in my little corner now.  I'm not pouting, just trying to sort through what my place is as her mother.  I'm waving the surrender flag and retreating.  :) The brides and daughters here have given me a gift.  Another perspective on how things look from their end.  Shalom.
Posted by zaralin[/QUOTE]

I don't think you need to back into your corner as you say.  :)  Just be more on board with what HER visions are and go with the flow.  I would just hate to see you have regrets about how this all went down!  I know as a MOG, I can't wait for their day and just to sit back and enjoy their happiness. I think if you did try to be their coordinator, you would regret it because then you won't have the chance to share in their happines because you will be too busy trying to keep everything running smoothly. :)

MairePoppy

I agree. I don't want to spend the wedding day running around in circles. My daughter's DOC comes with the venue and will take care of all the last minute details. I'm going to enjoy that.

zaralin, you said your daughter was concerned about some wedding antics she witnessed between a MOB and daugther at another wedding. Care to elaborate? I love MOB horror stories. It helps me keep things in perspective.

-shalom

zitiqueen

You sound very martyrish.

zaralin

Oh my.  You guys are way too serious.  When I said I'll go to my corner now, I was trying to be funny.  Geesh, do you really have to analyze every single thing I've said? 
Lighten up a litttle!
On forums you can't witness body language or inflection so at times it's difficult to interpret what is actually being communicated.  

Some of you have mentioned you dislike critical mothers and rightfully so, but I have to say some of your comments towards me are very critical and judgmental.  Oh, but that's okay on your end is it?  Some of you really seem to have some deep seated anger towards your own mothers judging by the way you have torn into me here.  Most of your non-advice here is not constructive or useful and this is why I posted on this forum, to receive helpful advice.   

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_jilted-mob?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e3567c57-4e51-4696-a09b-f4cd652509ddPost:37a56811-3b50-41cb-a5e7-d47b7e78a835">Re: Jilted MOB</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh my.  You guys are way too serious.  When I said I'll go to my corner now, I was trying to be funny.  Geesh, do you really have to analyze every single thing I've said?  Lighten up a litttle! On forums you can't witness body language or inflection so at times it's difficult to interpret what is actually being communicated.   Some of you have mentioned you dislike critical mothers and rightfully so, but I have to say some of your comments towards me are very critical and judgmental.  Oh, but that's okay on your end is it?  Some of you really seem to have some deep seated anger towards your own mothers judging by the way you have torn into me here.  Most of your non-advice here is not constructive or useful and this is why I posted on this forum, to receive helpful advice.   
Posted by zaralin[/QUOTE]




What you have to remember is that we only have your words to go on so if you are trying to be funny you need to say that you are or if you are being sarcastic you need to make a note of it, otherwise everything you write will be taken seriously.

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_jilted-mob?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e3567c57-4e51-4696-a09b-f4cd652509ddPost:37a56811-3b50-41cb-a5e7-d47b7e78a835">Re: Jilted MOB</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh my.  You guys are way too serious.  When I said I'll go to my corner now, I was trying to be funny.  Geesh, do you really have to analyze every single thing I've said?  Lighten up a litttle! On forums you can't witness body language or inflection so at times it's difficult to interpret what is actually being communicated.   Some of you have mentioned you dislike critical mothers and rightfully so, but I have to say some of your comments towards me are very critical and judgmental.  Oh, but that's okay on your end is it?  <strong>Some of you really seem to have some deep seated anger towards your own mothers judging by the way you have torn into me here.</strong>  Most of your non-advice here is not constructive or useful and this is why I posted on this forum, to receive helpful advice.   
Posted by zaralin[/QUOTE]

My mom and I are extremely close, thanks for asking.  I talk to her almost every day.  That said, the only part she had in wedding planning was going dress shopping with me.  I couldn't even tell her what the plans were because all of her suggestions were to do exactly what my brother and his wife had done the year before or what she had done in 1971.  She even tried to get me to use her old cake topper.  To let her see me in her dress, I sort of stuffed my 35 year old 5'7" 160 lbs into a dress made for a 24 year old  5'4" 100 lb. woman.  I looked ridiculous but it made her happy.

Like I asked before, what kind of relationship did you have with your daughter before she got engaged? 

zaralin

I guess I didn't expect the hostility that is in this thread. 

A lot of what I communicated in my original post was misunderstood.  Poor communication on my part.  PLEASE understand I did not want to control who my daughter picked for the bridesmaids.  I was trying to express a hurt I felt for my neice.  PLEASE understand I've never walked this road before and I'm trying to find the fine balance of what is considered helpful or viewed as "control."   I had been getting mixed signals from my daughter that she wanted advice, but then when I carefully offered advice it was always met with well, ________ is helping me with that or _________ and her mom have been so incredibly helpful.  You see, I've been trying to find my place in all this, and when the communication has not been clear on my daughter's end, I'm not quite sure what I can and cannot say.  I actually counseled with several moms and my husband before I spoke to my daughter.  Did I go a little too far?  Did I cross the boundaries lines my daughter has set up?  Possibly.  We all make mistakes, and I am willing to accept mine, apologize and work on healthier communication.   My daughter said some very ugly and hurtful things to both me and her father which I will not get into.  She can be as independant as she wants, but does that excuse her from her anger and disrespectful behavior towards us in all this?  We are not the bad guys.  Please stop telling me to BACK OFF.  I get it, okay.  I don't need to hear that piece of advice 50 times on here.  It does not help to be called a martyr.  That's just childish to resort to name calling here.  I assume this forum was created to receive help and advice, but when I am met with repetitious comments on how controlling I am, it doesn't help.  Can't someone come here and post honest and true feelings without getting attacked?  It's not like I'm stuck in these feelings.  I definitely am trying to process in a healthy way and move on.      
 
This all boils down to expectations.  My daughter has a friend (yes, in the wedding party) who gave her excellent advice.  She told my daughter that before she started planning to make sure she got both sets of parents together and go over her vision, decide who was paying for what, and what was expected as far as involvement goes.  It would have been nice if she heeded those suggestions and saved us a whole lot of pain and hurt.  It is what it is now.

We learn from our mistakes and now I know I will not offer advice unless it is absolutely clear she wants it.  I will be extremely cautious about what I communicate, believe me.  She has chosen to stay angry and not speak to us, so I highly doubt we'll be called upon for any advice anyway.  We'll send her the money gift with a note of apology, and what she decides to do with it is her choice.  It's okay to be independent and I certainly celebrate this quality in my daughter.  Independence is not a license for rude, angry, and disrespectful behavior.

        

StephBeanWed61502

I am sorry, but I think the title you chose for this thread says it all. "Jilted" is an expression generally reserved for lovers who were left at the altar. Do you really see yourself in the same category just because your daughter would rather plan her wedding with her friends instead of you? I am with the PP who called you a martyr. Also, I find it interesting that as people have disagreed with you, you've gone from "hey I am sad my daughter isn't doing what I want" to "OMG, you guys don't understand, this is all HER fault because SHE isn't communicating the right way with me and she's said some mean things and she's an angry, ungrateful little snot."

zaralin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_jilted-mob?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e3567c57-4e51-4696-a09b-f4cd652509ddPost:dea06bb9-5188-41ba-9a38-90c4c2eb137d">Re:Jilted MOB</a>:
[QUOTE]I am sorry, but I think the title you chose for this thread says it all. "Jilted" is an expression generally reserved for lovers who were left at the altar. Do you really see yourself in the same category just because your daughter would rather plan her wedding with her friends instead of you? I am with the PP who called you a martyr. Also, I find it interesting that as people have disagreed with you, you've gone from "hey I am sad my daughter isn't doing what I want" to "OMG, you guys don't understand, this is all HER fault because SHE isn't communicating the right way with me and she's said some mean things and she's an angry, ungrateful little snot."
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]Seriously?  Now it's the title I chose for this thread that's the problem conveying a message of being jiltled at the altar!  Oh, now that is too funny.  Really, are you joking?  Oh, yes, that's it, I'm a martyr.  How enlightening!  Just curious, what should the title be then so this thread does not attract such snarky remarks?