Moms and Maids

Picking a Date... around bridesmaid's schedule?

Hi All! Sorry for the long post, I'm mostly just curious whether you consulted with your bridesmaids before picking your date.

I'm having a little bit of trouble with the date that my fiancé and I have picked. Basically, I have always wanted a fall wedding. It worked out quite well because his family can't do spring weddings (his dad, stepmother, and sister all work in the same accounting firm and the spring is their busiest season), and summer weddings would be pretty hot where I live. Moreover, FI and I are both starting new jobs in the fall, so we're actually waiting until fall 2013 to get married (when we will have been working for a year and will feel more comfortable taking time off).

Nothing is firm or paid for yet, but we've picked a date that works with both our families and I am pretty excited about our November wedding. Hooray!! But...

There is one thing giving me trouble- one of my dear college friends, whom I have always sort of assumed would be a bridesmaid (I haven't asked anyone yet since it's so far out), might not be able to come. To give some background on how "close" we are-- I'd say good friends, but not best friends (she's not my MOH). We've known each other since college and I'd consider us pretty close, though we live in different states now so there is that distance. 

Anyway, potental BM has accepted a two-year teaching position abroad, starting this summer (so she'll be in the middle of her two years at my wedding). I am SO excited that her dream of doing this is finally coming true, but I knew as soon as she got it that it would probably make it difficult for her to attend my wedding. I'm not entirely sure, but the job isn't highly-paid and she has said things that would indicate she wouldn't be able to afford an international plane ticket (not to mention BM dress, etc.)... (But on the other hand, she has sometimes said that her parents might buy a ticket for her.) When I first got engaged she made a comment that she'd be more likely to come if we did it in the summer, but that I should not plan the date "around her." I got the feeling that she'd like to use her summer break to travel additional places abroad, so there's a chance that she'd be unable to make even a summer wedding. 

I guess I'm feeling kind of guilty for making it difficult for her to attend. I am afraid to tell her that we're looking more seriously at an early November wedding.

How much did you weigh the schedules of your potential bridal party? Am I being selfish if we pick a date that is difficult for her to attend? Or should I just pick a date that works for our families and let my friends sort out their schedules as they may? I have only been in one wedding, and the bride didn't ask us what our schedules were, just sort of picked the date. It worked out because we all happened to live in the same city at that time, but now that everyone is spread out, things are so much more complicated!

Thanks in advance for any advice! :)

Re: Picking a Date... around bridesmaid's schedule?

  • It's great that you want to do that, but it shouldn't be absolutely necessary.  We picked our date first because it worked for my parents (since they are hosting) and because it incorporated the number 13 (since we were engaged on 8/13/11 and first said I love you on 8/13/08).
  • klwpazklwpaz member
    10 Comments
    Based on what you explained, it's possible that your friend won't be able to come on any date during the 2 year period she's out of the country. Honestly, I would not pick my date around her knowing that she might not make it anyway. I'm assuming you don't want to put off the wedding for two years until she returns.

    We did not ask anyone before picking our date, and actually had chosen the date before letting our families know we were engaged. Our families and most of our wedding party are local, so it wasn't really a concern with travel.

    If the date you like works best for your families, I would go with that. I'm sure your friend will understand.
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    You and fi should pick a date that works best for you and your immediate family members. Your fi and your wedding are a top priority for you. Your friend's job is her top priority, as well as an opportunity to travel. And that's how is should be. Neither of you are being selfish.

    Set your date, ask your bms about 9 months prior to your wedding. Let them decide if they can rearrange their schedules and travel for your wedding.
                       
  • m tullim tulli member
    100 Comments
    I wouldn't plan around her.  Let's say you move it to summer... there is nothing saying she would be able to make it.  Then you would have moved it for nothing.  I would keep the date you want and cross your fingers.  
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  • I absolutely planned my date around my bridesmaids' travel schedules (two of them currently live overseas and usually only come home once a year).  But these women are among my closest friends, whom I've been best friends with since grade school, people I couldn't imagine going through any major life event without.  It doesn't sound like that's exactly the type of connection you guys have, though, so YMMV.
  • Whatever date you pick, you're never going to get 100% of the people you want to share your day with in attendance.  Your best friend could live next door to your venue and still fall ill and be unable to attend.  I would personally focus on what time of year and day of the week works best for you, your fiancee, and your families and hope that as many of your friends and other relatives can make it as possible.
  • Pick the date YOU and your fiance want. Your wedding should not be based around what others want or when others are available. It's your day and you deserve to have everything be as perfect as possible.
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  • Thanks for all the feedback! I guess I just needed some extra reassurance that I wasn't being entirely self-centered in that choice. After seeing so many brides get carried away with the whole thing, I feel like I'm constantly evaluating myself -- "Are you being a crazy person? If so, stop being a crazy person." etc.!
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