Moms and Maids

How to thank them?

During the rehearsal dinner, I would like to spend a little time thanking each of my BM's and introduce them to everyone (also at which point, I will give them their gifts). This way they get a little time in the spotlight as well.

The problem is, 2 of the 4 aren't really contributing much to the wedding. I asked them because they are my FI's sister and sister-in-law and I wanted them to be included. They don't live here, aren't coming to my bachelorette party, will more then likely not be at my shower, and can't afford to help contribute to either of these things.  One of them is only 16, the other just had a baby and FI's mom is actually buying both of their dresses.

I don't want to spend as much on their gifts as my other two girls (who do live here and will be involved in everything), and I don't really know what to say when I get up and say "thank you for everything" when they really haven't done anything. 

How should I handle this?
BFP #1: 5/20/12 ~ EDD: 2/20/13 ~ Betas at 221: 5/24/12 ~ Betas at 917: 5/29/12 ~ M/C: 5/29/12 BFP #2: 10/17/12 (13dpo) ~ EDD: 6/29/13 Beta #1 @ 2164: 10/22/12 ~ 1st u/s: 10/26/12 = empty ute Beta #2 @ 7610: 10/26/12 ~ 2nd u/s: 10/30/12 = measuring at 5w6d 3rd u/s: 11/5/12 = HB of 150 ~ 4th u/s: 11/27/12 = perfect wiggly LO! Lilypie Maternity tickers "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end." Image and video hosting by TinyPic Sunshine_zps3fcf529f Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Daisypath Anniversary tickers My Randomness Blog ~ The TTCAL Blog ~ My Wedding Blog

Re: How to thank them?

  • jagore08jagore08 member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_thank?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e41284e5-caa8-4655-b163-e93fabb3fdfaPost:bd5974e1-e352-4ca1-8019-25504c9fb6db">How to thank them?</a>:
    [QUOTE]During the rehearsal dinner, I would like to spend a little time thanking each of my BM's and introduce them to everyone (also at which point, I will give them their gifts). This way they get a little time in the spotlight as well. <strong>The problem is, 2 of the 4 aren't really contributing much to the wedding</strong>. I asked them because they are my FI's sister and sister-in-law and I wanted them to be included. They don't live here, aren't coming to my bachelorette party, will more then likely not be at my shower, and can't afford to help contribute to either of these things.  One of them is only 16, the other just had a baby and FI's mom is actually buying both of their dresses. I don't want to spend as much on their gifts as my other two girls (who do live here and will be involved in everything), and <strong>I don't really know what to say when I get up and say "thank you for everything" when they really haven't done anything.</strong>  How should I handle this?
    Posted by andreamarie77[/QUOTE]
    You're going about this all wrong.  Your BM aren't required to throw or attend your showers and bach parties.  If you want to give the other two an extra little gift (commonly known as a hostess gift that you bring to the shower) that's fine but you don't punish others because they can't afford or attend your parties.<div>
    </div><div>ETA: You thank them for being a part of your special day.</div>
    Ignorance is a poor defense. Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • edited December 2011
    I'm not saying that I'm "punishing" them - they're just not going to be as involved as the other two. The other two girls are going to be spending a lot of their money and will be helping me during the planning of the wedding and spending a lot of time helping me get ready for it.  The two that don't live here are basically going to just show up one or two days before, put on their dress and be in the wedding.

    I didn't ask for a bach party or a shower - I'm not saying it's required of anyone to throw me either of them. Please don't make it sound like I'm requiring anyone to spend a bunch of money on me.

    All I'm saying is that two of the girls will be putting a lot of effort into this when two of them won't.
    BFP #1: 5/20/12 ~ EDD: 2/20/13 ~ Betas at 221: 5/24/12 ~ Betas at 917: 5/29/12 ~ M/C: 5/29/12 BFP #2: 10/17/12 (13dpo) ~ EDD: 6/29/13 Beta #1 @ 2164: 10/22/12 ~ 1st u/s: 10/26/12 = empty ute Beta #2 @ 7610: 10/26/12 ~ 2nd u/s: 10/30/12 = measuring at 5w6d 3rd u/s: 11/5/12 = HB of 150 ~ 4th u/s: 11/27/12 = perfect wiggly LO! Lilypie Maternity tickers "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end." Image and video hosting by TinyPic Sunshine_zps3fcf529f Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Daisypath Anniversary tickers My Randomness Blog ~ The TTCAL Blog ~ My Wedding Blog
  • jagore08jagore08 member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    You saying you don't want to "spend as much on their gifts as my other two" makes it sound like they're not doing enough for you.  The other two are volunteering their extra time and money so get them a hostess gift at the shower.  If you get them a more expensive gift, and it's obvious, then when you publically give them their gifts at the rehearsal it's going to seem like you're snubbing the other two.  That's why I'm saying get them a separate gift for the shower and make the BM gifts monetarily equal at the rehearsal.  
    Ignorance is a poor defense. Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Jagore is right. Spend roughly about the same on their attendants gifts, which I hope you have selected individually.  If you want to do something extra for your two friends, do it privately. Take them out to lunch or treat them to mani-pedis. There's no need to point out, in front of the other guests,that two of your friends contributed more than the others. That would make everybody feel uncomfortable.
                       
  • tseguintseguin member
    Tenth Anniversary 10 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_thank?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e41284e5-caa8-4655-b163-e93fabb3fdfaPost:c3cc233d-9feb-4732-b9a5-59c13fe7a4bc">Re: How to thank them?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'd skip the speeches and intros. That's actually boring for them AND the other guests. Write them a heartfelt letter to go with their bridesmaid gift.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    This. Except I don't find the speeches boring. But in your situation, I would skip it and give special thank you cards to the two that are helping you. Words go alot further than money. If you are going to do a little extra for the two that have been mroe than helpful than make it private and not obvious. 
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