FMIL/FBIL problems

andra loves andre

Get some popcorn... this is gona be a long one...

Over 2 summers ago (yes, 2 years!!!) a girl said something bad about fbil, and when I heard I confronted her about it. We remained friends after, and haven't had issues before or since.

then, months after that, I had a fight with another friend over something super stupid. This friend decided to get revenge by going around and talking crap about me, and told FBIL that I was the one talking crap about him (not the other girl). So fbil got mad and hasnt talked to me since (for almost a year), despite fh and I trying to tell him the truth. THis was a year ago.

Then TODAY, fmil calls me on skype and gives me a huge lecture about what I apparently said, and how fbil and fh are brothers, and "brothers are permanent while wives are temporary" and so on... and how I should apologize to fbil "even if i wasnt the one to say it, because it still hurt him". The most annoying part is that he's pretty much best friends with the girl who DID say it! Ugh it's so childish and complicated!

Anyways, after a 3 hour (no joke) skype lecture from fmil, I'm raving mad. I'm so tired of getting in crap for something I didn't even do! If I would have done it, I would have apologized a looooooong time ago just so this crap is over! But I've already stopped talking to the gossipy girls, distanced myself from that group of friends, both fb and I have tried to explain to fh, and have been super nice to fbil ever since.

I honestly don't know what more I can do, especially since I really didn't even do anything to start with! Up until this point (the lecture I got from fmil) I truly felt bad for fbil because I could see he was hurt, but now, seeing how many people he involved over a "he said she said" gossipy situation, I really feel like HE owes ME an apology for treating me like this and talking all this crap about ME. 

I 'm really mad, but I know I can't show it so that I don't make a bigger problem and cause problems between fh and him. At the same time, I really need this drama to be over! Wedding planning is stressful enough without this stuff hanging over my head for 2 years!!!

Any advice?

blues28

Your fi needs to stand up for you to his mother and brother. If I were you I would distance myself from fmil and fbil until this issue gets resolved. It sounds like they like drama.

MairePoppy

I wouldn't apologize for something I didn't say 2 years ago. And I wouldn't listen to 3 hour lectures, either. Your fi should tell is mother and brother that you are innocent and neither of you want to hear about it again.

mbody

First, I think everyone needs to grow up. Second, there is no way in HAIL I would have listened to a 3 hour lecture. Third, I think your FI needs to stand up for you to FBIL and FMIL. And let them know that you didn't do anything and they need to get over it and move on. As for you, just be nice to both of them and hopefully they can put it in the past sooner rather than later.

StephBeanWed61502

I think everyone in this situation needs to stop acting like you're all in middle school. 

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmilfbil-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e4cfe2a8-c51a-4a6c-b088-6b54f9f616d2Post:8cd75ddf-c8fc-4719-a477-2302678327d1">Re: FMIL/FBIL problems</a>:
[QUOTE]Dude, this sounds like middle school. I would not tolerate being lectured for three hours like I was a petulant child, ESPECIALLY over crap I didn't do that doesn't concern the lecturer.
Posted by KindaSparkly[/QUOTE]

<div>This is what bothered me, too. I did everything that I could; I stopped talking to the ones who caused the trouble (not in a rude way, I just backed off and went my own way), I tried to clarify the situation, I was really nice to fbil since and all that. I just don't get why over 2 years later, his mom has to lecture me about something that should have been looooooooooooooong resolved and I tried to do everything to resolve it. I'm starting to feel like maybe they like the drama and that's their priority, not resolution. </div>

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmilfbil-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e4cfe2a8-c51a-4a6c-b088-6b54f9f616d2Post:9c1d2890-2081-4f2d-8705-481deb7f2bf9">Re: FMIL/FBIL problems</a>:
[QUOTE]Your fi needs to stand up for you to his mother and brother. If I were you I would distance myself from fmil and fbil until this issue gets resolved. It sounds like they like drama.
Posted by blues28[/QUOTE]

<div>That's what I was thinking, too. After all my attempts to clarify the situation, they're still lecturing  me two years later. I'm pretty convinced it's the drama they like (or making sure I don't feel like family, which they've made clear quite a lot and especially over Christmas).</div>

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmilfbil-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e4cfe2a8-c51a-4a6c-b088-6b54f9f616d2Post:a7085db8-9588-436b-95d2-166c18996811">Re: FMIL/FBIL problems</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't apologize for something I didn't say 2 years ago. And I wouldn't listen to 3 hour lectures, either. Your fi should tell is mother and brother that you are innocent and neither of you want to hear about it again.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree, we do neet to stand firm and tell them we've done all we can and don't want to hear about it again. I'm so ready for this dramerama to be over... it's gotten wayyyyy out of hand for no reason other than a girl's childish "revenge plot". I even told fmil that that girl spread the rumor a lot more than the originator did, and she still invites her over for Christmas dinner. Sigh. I guess I'm more fun for target practice.</div>

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmilfbil-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e4cfe2a8-c51a-4a6c-b088-6b54f9f616d2Post:5a23b22c-ddd3-4656-9958-dc1afb4eb560">Re: FMIL/FBIL problems</a>:
[QUOTE]First, I think everyone needs to grow up. Second, there is no way in HAIL I would have listened to a 3 hour lecture. Third, I think your FI needs to stand up for you to FBIL and FMIL. And let them know that you didn't do anything and they need to get over it and move on. As for you, just be nice to both of them and hopefully they can put it in the past sooner rather than later.
Posted by mbody[/QUOTE]

<div>I fully agree with everything! I've been trying to stay above it and said my piece then let it go, and then months later I get lectured by fmil who tells me "silence breeds monsters". Whatever happened to "silence is golden?", "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all", "it's better to let people think you're a fool than open your mouth and prove it" and so on? I was hoping that once I told the truth and so did fh, this would all calm down and stop being an issue. But over 2 years later they're still going on and on... and over skype no less! </div><div>
</div><div>I've been trying to adapt the "be nice" strategy, especially since I sincerely felt bad. But apparently it's grovelling that they're after.</div>

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmilfbil-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e4cfe2a8-c51a-4a6c-b088-6b54f9f616d2Post:c4867463-375b-45f1-b4eb-9371e6c18634">Re: FMIL/FBIL problems</a>:
[QUOTE]I think everyone in this situation needs to stop acting like you're all in middle school. 
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree, and honestly I tried to stay above it, but it's hard to move on and let it go when every few months someone takes a stab at me and blames me for it all over again. I feel like they can either believe what fh and I said or not. If they believe it move on, if not then leave me alone. </div>

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmilfbil-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e4cfe2a8-c51a-4a6c-b088-6b54f9f616d2Post:b92ae6b3-c86f-49e9-a042-8b6ba9d6a74a">FMIL/FBIL problems</a>:
[QUOTE]Get some popcorn... this is gona be a long one... Over 2 summers ago (yes, 2 years!!!) a girl said something bad about fbil, and when I heard I confronted her about it. We remained friends after, and haven't had issues before or since. then, months after that, I had a fight with another friend over something super stupid. This friend decided to get revenge by going around and talking crap about me, and told FBIL that I was the one talking crap about him (not the other girl). So fbil got mad and hasnt talked to me since (for almost a year), despite fh and I trying to tell him the truth. THis was a year ago. Then TODAY, fmil calls me on skype and gives me a huge lecture about what I apparently said, and how fbil and fh are brothers, and "brothers are permanent while wives are temporary" and so on... and how I should apologize to fbil "even if i wasnt the one to say it, because it still hurt him". The most annoying part is that he's pretty much best friends with the girl who DID say it! Ugh it's so childish and complicated! Anyways, after a 3 hour (no joke) skype lecture from fmil, I'm raving mad. I'm so tired of getting in crap for something I didn't even do! If I would have done it, I would have apologized a looooooong time ago just so this crap is over! But I've already stopped talking to the gossipy girls, distanced myself from that group of friends, both fb and I have tried to explain to fh, and have been super nice to fbil ever since. I honestly don't know what more I can do, especially since I really didn't even do anything to start with! Up until this point (the lecture I got from fmil) I truly felt bad for fbil because I could see he was hurt, but now, seeing how many people he involved over a "he said she said" gossipy situation, I really feel like HE owes ME an apology for treating me like this and talking all this crap about ME.  I 'm really mad, but I know I can't show it so that I don't make a bigger problem and cause problems between fh and him. At the same time, I really need this drama to be over! Wedding planning is stressful enough without this stuff hanging over my head for 2 years!!! Any advice?
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]

How old are all the players in this junior high school game?

LoveMuffins

I think your FH needs to tell his Mom to back off and not interfere and that if she has a problem with you then she can come through him. Same thing with his bro.

and if I were you, I'd stop trying to hard to please them. If she's lecturing you a succint, "I didn't do it and I'm not talking about this anymore... Ok I told you I'm not talking about this anymore, I'd love to talk about something else but if this is all you want to talk about then I'm hanging up... Ok goodbye." Is all you need. Shouldn't last more than 3 minutes.

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmilfbil-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e4cfe2a8-c51a-4a6c-b088-6b54f9f616d2Post:9f9f3069-b88e-4b64-88b5-0ab323ad6525">Re: FMIL/FBIL problems</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to FMIL/FBIL problems : How old are all the players in this junior high school game?
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

<div>too old to be in junior high school, or even undergrad!</div>

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmilfbil-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e4cfe2a8-c51a-4a6c-b088-6b54f9f616d2Post:8a9eafd3-1b07-4510-90b1-98ec64422a34">Re: FMIL/FBIL problems</a>:
[QUOTE]I think your FH needs to tell his Mom to back off and not interfere and that if she has a problem with you then she can come through him. Same thing with his bro. and if I were you, I'd stop trying to hard to please them. If she's lecturing you a succint, "I didn't do it and I'm not talking about this anymore... Ok I told you I'm not talking about this anymore, I'd love to talk about something else but if this is all you want to talk about then I'm hanging up... Ok goodbye." Is all you need. Shouldn't last more than 3 minutes.
Posted by LoveMuffins[/QUOTE]

<div>I'd love to be able to do that, the trouble is I feel like I have no balls when it comes to her. I'm honestly terrified of her thinking I'm rude (and she will see it as being rude, not being firm!)... if she treats me like this for something I didn't do, I don't even want to know how she'd act when she has "proof" that I'm not acting the way she thinks I should. I fully know that I'm being a doormat, I just don't know why I'm so terrified of her! Usually with everyone else I really don't care, and if I don't get along with a person I just move on. I feel like a lost puppy in this case :(</div>

MairePoppy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmilfbil-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e4cfe2a8-c51a-4a6c-b088-6b54f9f616d2Post:00632996-5504-4927-9618-1fd5df1618a2">Re: FMIL/FBIL problems</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL/FBIL problems : I'd love to be able to do that,<strong> the trouble is I feel like I have no balls when it comes to her. </strong>I'm honestly terrified of her thinking I'm rude (and she will see it as being rude, not being firm!)... if she treats me like this for something I didn't do, I don't even want to know how she'd act when she has "proof" that I'm not acting the way she thinks I should. I fully know that I'm being a doormat, I just don't know why I'm so terrified of her! Usually with everyone else I really don't care, and if I don't get along with a person I just move on. I feel like a lost puppy in this case :(
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]

That's exactly the problem. Once your FMIL learns that you no longer care about this, she will give up. She's going to bully you as long as you are willing to put up with this.

I am also curious about your age. A mature person wouldn't bother with this nonsense.

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmilfbil-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e4cfe2a8-c51a-4a6c-b088-6b54f9f616d2Post:f676c091-c71d-40a9-be6a-253b389935c2">Re: FMIL/FBIL problems</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL/FBIL problems : That's exactly the problem. Once your FMIL learns that you no longer care about this, she will give up. She's going to bully you as long as you are willing to put up with this. I am also curious about your age. A mature person wouldn't bother with this nonsense.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm turning 23 in April.</div><div>
</div><div>I honestly tried to ignore this stuff, but it really hurts when fmil and fbil keeps bringing it up and treating me like I'm guilty of all these horrible things.</div>

LoveMuffins

Of course it's going to hurt, because you want her to have a good opinion of you which is understandable. HoweverI think she sounds like one of those people whom no one that is not "blood related" to her is going to matter as much (I get this from her whole "brothers are forever, wives are temporary" speech).

I think the big problem is that you don't have FI backing you up. If you did I bet you'd feel a lot more comfortable putting your foot down. The two of you need to be on the same side, and if he tells her that she has to go through HIM when she has a problem with you... I bet that will completely solve the problem. Or next time, if you still care what she thinks even though she's probably never going to completely accept you, just make an excuse like "Omg I think I have diarreah I have to go" and rush off.

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmilfbil-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e4cfe2a8-c51a-4a6c-b088-6b54f9f616d2Post:b9e75a14-54cc-45a2-9d4e-9d76892dda57">Re: FMIL/FBIL problems</a>:
[QUOTE]Of course it's going to hurt, because you want her to have a good opinion of you which is understandable. HoweverI think she sounds like one of those people whom no one that is not "blood related" to her is going to matter as much (I get this from her whole "brothers are forever, wives are temporary" speech). I think the big problem is that you don't have FI backing you up. If you did I bet you'd feel a lot more comfortable putting your foot down. The two of you need to be on the same side, and if he tells her that she has to go through HIM when she has a problem with you... I bet that will completely solve the problem. Or next time, if you still care what she thinks even though she's probably never going to completely accept you, just make an excuse like "Omg I think I have diarreah I have to go" and rush off.
Posted by LoveMuffins[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>you're right, and you just made me crack up with your last comment! You're awesome!</div>

willywally5

I'd be way more concerned with her 'brothers are forever, wive are temporary' remark. What an idiotic thing to say to the woman her son has chosen to marry! 

JoshLovesJekka

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmilfbil-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e4cfe2a8-c51a-4a6c-b088-6b54f9f616d2Post:ce7dc343-ce97-45bc-9c58-3f0d3cd56c3e">Re: FMIL/FBIL problems</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd be way more concerned with her 'brothers are forever, wive are temporary' remark. What an idiotic thing to say to the woman her son has chosen to marry! 
Posted by willywally5[/QUOTE]

I agree!