FMIL just diagnosed with cancer

JessicaRM81

My future mother-in-law was just diagnosed with cancer.  Originally the doctors thought they could remove it with surgery, but upon further testing it was discovered that it's spread throughout her body and she will be starting radiation and chemotherapy in the next couple weeks.
I'm doing my best to be supportive of my fiance, but I don't know if he fully understands what his mom is about ot go through.  He seems flippant about the whole thing, or maybe he's just in denial, I'm not sure.  I'm also trying to be there for my future in-laws since my fiance's one sibling and spouse live out-of-state.  I just feel helpless and don't know what to do.
Then there's the part of me that I'm angry with.  The part that feels selfish even wondering what this means for our wedding - if we need to move the date up, how much his family will be able to help us with, and if this will over-shadow what is supposed to be the biggest day of my life.  I feel horrible even thinking these things.
Has anyone faced anything similar or have any advice/suggestions on how to proceed?  I'm not going to talk about my wedding feelings/fears with my fiance because I don't want him to think I'm being insensitive, because I'm really trying not to be!  I just feel like I'm stuck and don't really know how to proceed.
Thanks for reading!

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-just-diagnosed-cancer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e50840a7-42aa-4a6f-8e0d-b362ba16bceaPost:918f77fa-a7b1-4557-b70d-a8f8c4819daa">FMIL just diagnosed with cancer</a>:
[QUOTE]My future mother-in-law was just diagnosed with cancer.  Originally the doctors thought they could remove it with surgery, but upon further testing it was discovered that it's spread throughout her body and she will be starting radiation and chemotherapy in the next couple weeks. I'm doing my best to be supportive of my fiance, but I don't know if he fully understands what his mom is about ot go through.  He seems flippant about the whole thing, or maybe he's just in denial, I'm not sure.  I'm also trying to be there for my future in-laws since my fiance's one sibling and spouse live out-of-state.  I just feel helpless and don't know what to do. Then there's the part of me that I'm angry with.  The part that feels selfish even wondering what this means for our wedding - if we need to move the date up, how much his family will be able to help us with, and if this will over-shadow what is supposed to be the biggest day of my life.  I feel horrible even thinking these things. Has anyone faced anything similar or have any advice/suggestions on how to proceed?  I'm not going to talk about my wedding feelings/fears with my fiance because I don't want him to think I'm being insensitive, because I'm really trying not to be!  I just feel like I'm stuck and don't really know how to proceed. Thanks for reading!
Posted by JessicaRM81[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>First, best wishes to your FMIL and for a cancer free recovery. The best thing you can do is be an emotional rock for your FI and be open to anything your FI's family may need. Being some who is there open arms is always the best thing to do when isn't directly your family yet. As long as you see how everyone is doing, comforting, etc, they will be grateful.</div><div>
</div><div>As for your wedding, you need to revaluate what you are doing with budget. <strong><u>Do not</u></strong> expect a dime from your FI's family. Plan without their financial help even if they said they would in the beginning. Their life has just changed in an instant and now any money saved might be going straight toward medical bills or just living expenses. Don't ask, just assume that they can no longer help and adjust your budget. </div><div>
</div><div>The question about moving the wedding needs to be discussed with your FI. He needs to talk to his dad to see what the prognosis is with his mom (if the treatment doesn't work) and reevaluate if he wants to the move the wedding up just in case. If he wants to stick with the date then do it, but just remember you need to be open if he changes mind (just in case he is in denial with his mom's condition). As for her condition overshadowing your wedding day. No, it won't. Yes, people will be thinking of her, but no one is going to be emotionally down all day about it. </div><div>
</div><div>As for others who experience what you are going through here is a topic for a FFIL:</div><div>
</div><div> <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-cancel-wedding-ffil-very-ill">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-cancel-wedding-ffil-very-ill</a></div><div>
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kmmssg

Ditto Autumn Fair.  Your FIL's lives have just changed in ways that have permanent ramifications.  Whether she goes into remisssion or can't beat the cancer, chances are an awful lot of their savings will be involved in treatment costs.  I personally know people who have gone bankrupt over medical treatment.  I'm sure many posters here do too.

You need to plan from this moment forward that there wil be no contribution from FI's parents.  Under the circumstances, would you want to even accept it?

It is perfectly understandable that your emotions are all over the place.  You want to help your FIL's, you want to support your FI, and the wedding picture you have had in your mind is in jeopardy.

It's ok to work through the disappointment in changing up the wedding picture.  Give yourself permission to be work through that so you can move forward with a clear head.

I've lost my parents, MIL, and a brother to cancer and another brother to a massive heart attack.  I can tell you the best thing you can do is to just be there for your FI and his family.  Be there to listen, be there to throw a load of laundry in the washer, be there for a fun night.  It means everything to have someone beside you  for a hug, a joke, a meal, or nothing at all.

I wish you and your FMIL all the best as you go through this. 

saric83

I'm sorry to hear this! : (  My mom was diagnosed with uterine cancer a few weeks before we were engaged (but she waited to tell us until a month after, which was incredibly sweet and kind!), so unfortunately, we ran into some of the same concerns you're having.  I would suggest finding out a lot more information regarding the treatment and condition before you figure out what you're going to do next. 

Your FI might not necessarily be in denial, but maybe he's just simply not going to freak out until he knows exactly what's going on.  My mom had surgery with the potential for needing chemo and radiation.  It's was almost a non-issue in our families until we knew the results of surgery because all of us freaking out wasn't helping my mom AT ALL.  She had to get radiation, but luckily it was just (it's not just, but you know what I mean) three weeks worth. 

We held off on booking a location until after the surgery and everything, and my mom was pissed when she found out.  She absolutely did not want anyone dwelling or focusing on her situation and wanted to just get through it and move on, so the idea of us post-poning our wedding was stupid to her.  Plus, she said having the wedding gave her something to look forward to and focus on. 

Obviously, everyone is different and each situation is so incredibly unique when it comes to cancer, so you need to get more information about your FMIL's situation and just be there to support your FI.  The best thing my FI did for me was to simply go along with whatever I wanted regarding stopping or going ahead with the planning.  Him staying calm and rational kept me from stressing out until we knew exactly what we were dealing with. 

Good luck with everything!!