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my mother

sierra85sierra85 member
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in Moms and Maids
I'm the bride. My mom is paying for the whole wedding. My wedding is in 8 days and I just found out thatmy guest list has doubled since I sent out invites. she keeps inviting people to my wedding!!! my fi and i decided that we were only going to invite about 60 people. We had to fight with my mom about this, she thinks I'm doing something horrible to her by not allowing her to invite all these people. dmy fi wanted to go to vegas or something so i thought we had made a prtty good deal. little did i know that my mother had printed invites and sent them out to people i havent seen in ten years . i had cut my list of friends back so i could invite herr whole family. now this wedding has 120 people and i didnt even get a say on who was invited. some of my good friends didnt make the cut. my fi only ivited 20 people and since they are OOT guests only 15 can come. his family is biggerr than mine and his mom thinks there are only 60 guests still. My mom doesnt respect us or our decision!!!!!! im pulling my hair out trying to figure out how to break the news to my FMIL. Any suggestions?
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Re: my mother

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    PeonyPrincesskddPeonyPrincesskdd
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e6d7a73f-3866-4525-a05c-f91ca34d93efPost:2ee68abd-0cd9-4e7a-8c4e-c5e2e31ca671">my mother</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm the bride. My mom is paying for the whole wedding. My wedding is in 8 days and I just found out thatmy guest list has doubled since I sent out invites. she keeps inviting people to my wedding!!! my fi and i decided that we were only going to invite about 60 people. We had to fight with my mom about this, she thinks I'm doing something horrible to her by not allowing her to invite all these people. dmy fi wanted to go to vegas or something so i thought we had made a prtty good deal. little did i know that my mother had printed invites and sent them out to people i havent seen in ten years . i had cut my list of friends back so i could invite herr whole family. now this wedding has 120 people and i didnt even get a say on who was invited. some of my good friends didnt make the cut. my fi only ivited 20 people and since they are OOT guests only 15 can come. his family is biggerr than mine and his mom thinks there are only 60 guests still. My mom doesnt respect us or our decision!!!!!! im pulling my hair out trying to figure out how to break the news to my FMIL. Any suggestions?
    Posted by sierra85[/QUOTE]

    Mother is paying, therefore mother gets to invite anyone and however many people she wants.  End of story.
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    sierra85sierra85 member
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    edited December 2011
    I get that. How can I do damage control with my FMIL. I kinda wish she had told me! FI's whole side is 15 people! I invited 20 members of mom's family and we each invited 5 friends. Mom's old friends from high school are showing up. I feel like this wedding isnt even mine anymore. I feel like my mom had two chances at this and its not my fault she screwed it up both times. I dont need marriage advise from a two time devorcee. I know she has insight, but a sentance that starts with "I dont think you should do it that way, in my first marriage we... and that worked really well" OBVIOUSLY IT DIDNT! (Sorry im really upset by all this)
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    sarah42ndsarah42nd member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Why don't  you and FI  take all "your guest " and go to the court house?
    Anniversary
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    filawfilaw member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I had a very similar struggle with my mom.  Same scenario.  I didn't know when she offered to pay (what I thought was a gift for us to throw "our" wedding), that also meant to she expected to take over the wedding (to be fair, I don't think she did either). Though, my mom never went behind my (and everyone else's) back.  *That* I feel is absolutely unacceptable regaurdless of whether or not you're paying.

    Though she did end up adding a ton of people after the guest list was "done" (though not behind my back).  When we started seating people, I noticed that my poor FI's family had 3 tables to my side's 12. 

    I asked my FI to talk "feel them out" and find out if they minded.  As it turns out, they were great sports about it, and were really happy with the people they'd initally asked for. 

    So I guess the only thing I can say is enlist your FI's help to touch base with them?  Prepare them for the shock, see if they even mind, and see if there's a way to make them feel included despite the lopsidedness?
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    sierra85sierra85 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm seriously considering it. I wonder if I could talk to my coordinator and just do it at the park. dont tell mom until like a few hours ahead of time. but I feel bad because she has paid for (almost) everything. She wants this day to be perfect for me. trouble is that her version of perfect is a lot different than mine. She told me that since the day I was born she has wanted me to have a fancy princess cut ring and dress and come down a beautiful staircase with a live orchestra playing music and I ride away in  white horse drawn carriage. That is nothing like what I want. I'm a hippie child and would rather get married barefoot in a field of wild flowers.
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    AllAboutTheBenjaminAllAboutTheBenjamin member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    The same thing happened when my parents were planning their wedding.  My grandma did the same thing - she wouldn't allow my mother to invite her own friends, and yet insisted upon inviting her own friends and people my mother had either never met or people my mother hadn't seen in years.

    My parents threw their hands up, said "screw it" and eloped to Lake Tahoe a month before the wedding.

    All done :)


    panther
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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    With only 8 day to go, it's too late to change the guest list. It may give you some satisfaction to fantasize about running off with your friends for the wedding in the park, but that would be rude to the guests that have accepted the invitation. It's not their faults that mom got a little carried away. And like PP says, the person who funds the wedding definitely get some say.

    You and fi should prepare your FMIL for the lopsided guest list. Just be honest with her, without criticizing mom. Ask for her understanding.

    Try to enjoy your wedding. Good luck.
                       
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    sarah42ndsarah42nd member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Do you have enough food to feed 120 people?
    Anniversary
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    sierra85sierra85 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e6d7a73f-3866-4525-a05c-f91ca34d93efPost:cf7f50fe-7b40-4ee0-86e6-7f73ec4a2bff">Re: my mother</a>:
    [QUOTE]Do you have enough food to feed 120 people?
    Posted by sarah42nd[/QUOTE]

    I hope so. She must have told our caterer that she added to the guest list. She keeps telling me not to worry about it but I cant help it. She took out a loan to pay for the wedding!!! She is also having an after party the night of the wedding at her house (which is a complete mess Fi and I have been cleaning for a month and every time we come over its messy again. she was inviting people to the after party that werent invited to the wedding and I told her I thought that was tacky so I guess she invited all of them to the wedding too. I thought the after party was just for close friends and OOT guests but I think its going to end up bigger than the wedding!
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    AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Prime example of money=strings and why we tell so many Brides that "who ever pays has the final say". 

    I do feel sorry for you, even if she is paying going behind you and your FI back is rude. But like other say you really can't do much but to go with the flow and hope your FMIL understands.
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    Lisa8888Lisa8888
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If you don't like your mother getting involved in your wedding then you should have paid for your wedding. Stop whining and appreciate it that she is paying. And you can just run down and get married by a JP and skip the wedding. No one is forcing you to attend this wedding.
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    rknox88rknox88
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e6d7a73f-3866-4525-a05c-f91ca34d93efPost:798ddcda-569a-4544-973a-970d6629378a">Re: my mother</a>:
    [QUOTE]Mother is paying, therefore mother gets to invite anyone and however many people she wants.  End of story.
    Posted by PeonyPrincesskdd[/QUOTE]

    I respectfully disagree. If a parent or parents offer to pay it doesn't constitute them highjacking the guest list. It is still her daughter's wedding and it seems as though she has made it into an excuse to throw herself a party.  Parents who offer to help financially shouldn't do so so they can take control of the guest list. It should be because they are financially capable and are offering a generous gift out of the goodness of their heart.

    As for the damage control with FMIL just be honest with her. Apologize that FI didn't get to invite all the important people to him to the wedding. Tell her you were trying to keep it small and intimate but your mother misunderstood or disregarded your wishes. All you can do is be polite and understanding at this point and remember it will all be over soon and you will get to start your happy married life with FI.
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    AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e6d7a73f-3866-4525-a05c-f91ca34d93efPost:d49e2b4e-0c6a-4440-8186-dbbbb164e9bb">Re: my mother</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: my mother : I respectfully disagree. If a parent or parents offer to pay it doesn't constitute them highjacking the guest list. It is still her daughter's wedding and it seems as though she has made it into an excuse to throw herself a party.  Parents who offer to help financially shouldn't do so so they can take control of the guest list. It should be because they are financially capable and are offering a generous gift out of the goodness of their heart. 
    Posted by rknox88[/QUOTE]

    <div>I agree but also disagree. If the parent is paying then they have every right to invite how many people they want. But in this case, they went behind the B&G back and basically pulled the "well we still want 50 other people but don't want to pay for anyone else's side so we are just going to sneak these in behind their back" trick. I've seen this before and it is very disrespectful even if they are paying. They should have been up front with the B&G and said we want 50+ extra people and we will pay for them. At least then the situation could have been discussed and a compromise could have been made. So yeah, even though parents are paying and get a say in who they want to invite, their approach they did was rude.</div>
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    lharri12lharri12 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Reading stories like this makes me so grateful for my dad just giving me a check for X amount of dollars to spend on the wedding however we want, no strings attached.  I know some disagree with what I'm about to say because money = strings, but I think it's crappy of parents to offer to pay for a wedding and then try and turn it into a party for themselves and their friends, or the wedding they didn't get to have, especially when they do it behind the couple's back or when it's too late to be changed.  I know, the bride and groom don't have to accept the money, and if they want to have the wedding they want, they can pay for it themselves, so accepting money is a double edged sword, but parents don't HAVE to take advantage of that.  I think it's a nicer and more sincere gesture for them to offer money as a genuine gift, rather than a gift covered with strings.  Again, I'm sure others will disagree, but that's just how I feel about it.
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    quotequeenquotequeen member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e6d7a73f-3866-4525-a05c-f91ca34d93efPost:d1e345ab-1996-4876-a2a1-3b355bd8b3c2">Re: my mother</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: my mother : I hope so. She must have told our caterer that she added to the guest list. She keeps telling me not to worry about it but I cant help it. She took out a loan to pay for the wedding!!! She is also having an after party the night of the wedding at her house (which is a complete mess Fi and I have been cleaning for a month and every time we come over its messy again. she was inviting people to the after party that werent invited to the wedding and I told her I thought that was tacky so I guess she invited all of them to the wedding too. I thought the after party was just for close friends and OOT guests but I think its going to end up bigger than the wedding!
    Posted by sierra85[/QUOTE]

    If I were you I would have declined the offer from mom to pay for the wedding if I knew she had to take out a loan to do it.  But it's too late for that now and it's too late to uninvite people who have been invited to your wedding in a week too.  The only thing you can really do is have an honest conversation with FMIL and tell her that your mom hijacked the guest list and it really wasn't what you wanted.
    Married 10/2/10
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    brandyj7brandyj7
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with the people on here who say that this is rude of your mother to do. Paying for a wedding is supposed to be a nice thing and it's supposed to be used to make things easier for the bride and groom, not harder. With this being said, it is too late to change much. I am really sorry that your wedding has not turned out like you would have envisioned. Everyone has a different vision of what they want their wedding to be like. They know what they want to wear and look like and where they want it to be. At this point an apology is appropriate to your fiance's family in regards to your mother. It is going to be ackward to have 15 people on one side and 100. I think all the guests will also feel ackward about the situation. Your mother will have to realize the position she put everyone in. Maybe one day for your 5th or 10th wedding anniversary, you could renew your vowels with your husband in a field of flowers barefoot! just the way you would like it! :)
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    RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Too late now, but going behind your back to invite these people was really low on her part.  I'm sorry about that.

    I might privately contact the caterer and make extra sure she informed them of the true guest count.  You don't want to try to feed 120 with food for 60.  Let her figure out how to deal with the doubled bill. 
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    rchineslrchinesl member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Be completely honest with your FMIL...it seems out of your control so let it become something to laugh at.  It will help you enjoy your special day more. I feel your pain, it is very dissapointing.  Don't let it turn your wedding day into a bad experience!

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