Future Mother in Law

taraajones

So I don't want to sound picky, but I need a little advice. I can't stand my FMIL. It's not that she's a b**ch or anything but she just gets on my last nerve. When ever she starts talking I feel my teeth starting to grind. When we went to find my wedding dress she kept making comments that just made no sense. She comes up with the most random stuff that has nothing to do with anything anyone is talking about and I find myself just staring at her like shes stupid. she kept offering me her water and I kept making excuses why I wouldn't drink after her. I have only been in her house once and that's been since me and my FI have been engaged. She's a horder! There is like seven cats running around everywhere popping out oh piles of crap. I don't hate cats but there was cat hair caked up under the fridge and in the corners and it smelled like pee. We plan on having children and I don't know how I would tell her I don't ever want my kids to set foot in her house. I've tried to just grin and bare it and be nice but I find myself getting more and more fustrated with her everytime I see her. Have any of you had the same problem or any advice for me?

taraajones

Lol thank you so much for your advice! It's not that I was trying to look under the fridge but it sits kind of high off the floor and I couldn't help but see the hair poking out. He is VERY embaressed about it, I have talked to him about calling that show horders or something but he said no. I think you are right about her having problems because he said when he was a child she kept her house very very clean. Everytime I try to talk to my FI about it he puts me off, he just doesn't want to address the issue. If I wasn't afraid I would find a dead cat or hurt her feelings I would offer but I'm a little scared of both.

Lambbop

This sounds almost EXACTLY like my FMIL minus the cats. When he first brought me to visit she tried to clean the house and organize her piles of stuff but as the relationship went on she didn't care about that initial first impression any more. It got to the point where FI and I both hated going to her house and I didn't even want to use the bathroom there (and I love camping and have no problem going on a tree or in an outhouse... but her bathroom grossed me out!!). I have had the exact same thought about not wanting any future children at her house because I would be afraid they would pull on something or stacks of crap would fall on them or they would crawl over god knows what on the floor. I am a freak about taking my shoes off in my own house but I don't ever take them off at her house. I've cleaned her kitchen a few times and the bathroom but I can't stand being in that house. It makes me physically ill.

That said: we ALL know she has a lot of issues and FI and his dad and siblings have all tried to get her to go to counselling multiple times both individually and as a family but she always quit after a few sessions. My FI and one of his sisters have consistently gone to counselling to try and help themselves repair the damage that her problems have caused them. It seems like when one person is emotionally distressed it definitely affects the entire family. We all wish we could help her but we can't force her to do something she doesn't want to do... like the therapists on the hoarders show say... they have to want it.

So... I feel for you. You're not alone.

EDIT: I want to add that FMIL is a nice person although definitely has some emotional issues, and I do love her so I don't mean to be disrespectful... just trying to be honest about the situation.

Lambbop

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-in-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e7cc5a82-4c46-4b9c-90ab-444acdae134cPost:c5ef7f23-8411-45f3-8290-d4cb68c623e3">Re: Future Mother in Law</a>:
[QUOTE]I want to say, again, that it sounds like your FMIL needs a doctor's help.  Medication can do wonders for people suffering from major depression or other illnesses.  Get her to a doctor.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

You can't force someone to go to the doctor. Even if you could do that, you can't force someone to swallow pills every day. I don't disagree there might be an issue; but even if her FMIL has a mental illness she still needs to be treated like an adult with some respect. Medical practitioners have a whole code of ethics surrounding treatment of people with mental illness. They deserve to be treated like competent adults and they get to make their own decisions unless a judge has ruled them incompetent.

I also can't imagine OP's FMIL is going to be receptive her being newly engaged to her son and then waltzing in and telling her that she should probably to got a doctor for mental illness. And if OP's FI is already embarrassed and probably sensitive about the issue ...  that's definitely going to put him on the defensive too. His whole family might have tried to help her multiple times too.

 I know it might look like a simple solution from the outside, but when you are living it, it is much more complicated. It's awful to have someone you love being so clearly in need of help but not even trying when help is given... and not wanting it for themselves even though they most likely know they have a problem.

megsch88

My FMIL, although a wonderful person, is a hoarder and doesn't think she has a problem. It is a hard thing to deal with, but you just have to. My FMIL and FFIL actually built a new house to accomodate the overflow of stuff. She has the whole basement to herself with her stuff (she has already filled up the basement and there is a slight pathway to turn sideways and walk through) and the three-car garage has scaffolding (sp?) all around the perimeter up to the ceiling to accomodate boxes of Breyer horse figurines, scrapbooking, flowers, fabric, quilts, Christmas, etc. There is close to 100 boxes in there. Not to mention they had to find room for all of FSIL's stuff (bed, dresser, clothes, etc) until she gets a house someday.

I know your pain. First of all, yeah, she does need therepy, but like PP said you can't make someone go, and if your FMIL is anything like mine she will insist she doesn't have a problem.

Second, don't worry about kids until you reach that point. I paniced over that as well. Luckily my FI is on my side, so once I reach that point it will be a little easier to discuss the lviing conditions with my FMIL. But don't start in with her about it now because that will only hurt her feelings, and she probably won't be very excited for the wedding. Just wait with the kids thing until it comes.

I know she may have some annoying habits, but she is going to be your MIL and that is just the way it is. My FMIL moans after every bite of food she takes (not to mention chews with her mouth open) but I've learned to ignore it when I'm around her and enjoy what I love about her. She did raise my FI into the man he is today. If I love him, there has to be something I love about her

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-in-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e7cc5a82-4c46-4b9c-90ab-444acdae134cPost:cdc9f251-7693-4546-a2e1-44f8cd20dd29">Re: Future Mother in Law</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Future Mother in Law : You can't force someone to go to the doctor. Even if you could do that, you can't force someone to swallow pills every day. I don't disagree there might be an issue; but even if her FMIL has a mental illness she still needs to be treated like an adult with some respect. Medical practitioners have a whole code of ethics surrounding treatment of people with mental illness. They deserve to be treated like competent adults and they get to make their own decisions unless a judge has ruled them incompetent. I also can't imagine OP's FMIL is going to be receptive her being newly engaged to her son and then waltzing in and telling her that she should probably to got a doctor for mental illness. And if OP's FI is already embarrassed and probably sensitive about the issue ...  that's definitely going to put him on the defensive too. His whole family might have tried to help her multiple times too.  I know it might look like a simple solution from the outside, but when you are living it, it is much more complicated. It's awful to have someone you love being so clearly in need of help but not even trying when help is given... and not wanting it for themselves even though they most likely know they have a problem.
Posted by Lambbop[/QUOTE]

You're right, you can't force someone to see a doctor, but, having seen CMGr post before, I don't think that's what she meant.  OP's FI could try sitting down with his mom and saying something like "You've really changed, and I'm very worried about you.  I think it might be helpful if you saw a professional about it, and I'll do whatever I need to do to support you if that's something you're interested in doing."  (There's also the hard-line option of "Mom, if you don't get help, we will not visit your home anymore/will report you to animal welfare/will report you to adult protective services/etc.," but it doesn't sound like OP and her FI are at that point yet.)

Regardless of which approach would fit the situation best, OP, your FI really needs to step up and speak to his mom - you shouldn't have to just "grin and bear it" just because he's too timid or too far in denial to say what needs to be said.  His denial of the situation helps no one, least of all your FMIL.

OliveOilsMom

Your FI could also make a call to her primary doctor.  The doctor can listen to what FI says about his mom, that she is a hoarder, etc.  The next time she visits her doctor, he can bring it up with her. 

I also think that your FI should get some counseling regarding his mom.  The one PP said her FI does this to help cope with his mom.  I think it would help him out and you two would be able to discuss it without him putting off the topic. 

i2012do

I sympathize with the OP. I am in a similar situation as when we eventually have children they will never be allowed to go to my inlaws home. I hve never been in such a disgusting or dirty home in my entire life. There is a fish tank on the counter that is green. The kitchen table is unable to be sat at becuse there is a pile of crap, literally, on top of it. There are dirty clothes piled 4 feet high in the hallways with dog pop on top.

It's unsanitary, its unhealthy, and its frankly embarassing.

I am not sure how I got into the situation to be there in the first place. And when we did stay there I am not sure why i didin't refuse to stay there and to leave and to get a hotel room- but it was the first time i met his parents and i was trying to be polite.

I am lucky enough that my FILS live across the country. If they lived closer- itd be in toruble. But we will always have an excuse to be at a hotel or a rented condo w future tots...and fmil will have to come to us.

I will never go to his parents house again or step foot into it.

Witht hat said, my FMIL is a nice person, albeit a total slob-but she totally aggravates and annoys me too. I have spent 2 years geting stressed out and crying about my FMIL actions reagarding the wedding and I am now 4 months away from gettingmarried. If I can give you any advice its this : LET IT GO.  Ignore her actions or speak up for yourself if she is ever saying anything offensive.

I posted serveral weeks ago about my FMIL and how I can't stand her and someone posted really good advice and said to stop keeping score. Don't think of it as she "Said 25 wrong things" just take it every day at a time.

I actually work witha  woman that has server mental conditions. She doesn't realize how freakin annoying she is, and she gets totally off topic. We will be in a meeting discussing one thing and she will completely lose focus and say something that doesnt make sense. Sometimes its because she doesnt understand what is going on and wants to try to look intelligent. I also think this woman we work with does it so she feels included.... it is really strange but that is the conclusion my coworkers and i have come to.

So for example your FMIL might not know the difference between a chapel veil and a birdcage--but perhaps she spews out different off topic information to make it seem she is informed and feel included.

Once or twice asking her why she is bringing something up, or saying "lets focus back on what we were talking about" might help he either get focused or not say anything else off topic.

taraajones

I just want to think everyone for their input and advice. It's much appreicated. I've tried talking to my FI about her problem and he knows that it is a problem too, but just doesn't want to hurt her feelings. He cares about her but pretty much told me it's a hopeless case. The only reason i worry is because I know she will want to keep our kids. We both have kids from pervious marriages and thankfully I have a huge family so her keeping my kid is no worries. His father was militry and his ex-wifes family lives in another state so it's harder for him to find someone to stay with his son. His son is 14 and my daughter is 3, since his son is so much older its fine to leave him home to run to the store or something but the honeymoon and other trips would be the big deal (that's if his mom didn't want to keep him she's a flake). I've told him inless he deals with it I would always leave our future children with my family and wouldn't give her a chance to keep them but he still doesn't want to talk about it. I guess I will end up just having to hurt her feeling when that time comes. 

hoffse

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-in-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e7cc5a82-4c46-4b9c-90ab-444acdae134cPost:e4f3e4e6-ad9d-4f8e-9257-054345cd2157">Re: Future Mother in Law</a>:
[QUOTE]I just want to think everyone for their input and advice. It's much appreicated. I've tried talking to my FI about her problem and he knows that it is a problem too, but just doesn't want to hurt her feelings. He cares about her but pretty much told me it's a hopeless case. The only reason i worry is because I know she will want to keep our kids. We both have kids from pervious marriages and thankfully I have a huge family so her keeping my kid is no worries. His father was militry and his ex-wifes family lives in another state so it's harder for him to find someone to stay with his son. His son is 14 and my daughter is 3, since his son is so much older its fine to leave him home to run to the store or something but the honeymoon and other trips would be the big deal (that's if his mom didn't want to keep him she's a flake). I've told him inless he deals with it I would always leave our future children with my family and wouldn't give her a chance to keep them but he still doesn't want to talk about it. I guess I will end up just having to hurt her feeling when that time comes. 
Posted by taraajones[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I think you have the right approach here.  Ultimately, your kids/future kids' health matters more than FMIL's feelings.  It will feel like a lose-lose if it has to come to an ultimatum, but you need to hold firm to keep your kids out of that house.  I would try not to worry about it until after the wedding - once the stress of that is over, then maybe you will be able to separate wedding irritations from more serious concerns.  Sometimes the stress of the wedding makes it hard to see which problems need to be addressed, so I would try to just let it go for now.

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