MOH backed out (VENT!)...what to do

zalec1kd

So here is the short version.  My MOH's mother passed away a few months ago.  At the time she told me she didn't think she could stand up because it would be to hard to be in my wedding knowing her mom would never be there for hers.  I had nothing but sympathy.  I told her don't worry about anything work on yourself and we will deal with it later.  We recently had a heart to heart where I told her I could care less if she helps with invites or plans a great bach. party I just wanted her next to me while I got married.  She said that meant so much and she would be my MOH.

Yesterday she tells me she doesn't think she can do it anymore.  It would just be to hard for her to have all that attention on her (insert bridezilla comment here).  I am extremely hurt and pissed.  She is making it all about her and I realized that I have been worried about her, about this situation not to mention defending her to everyone, for the past few months.  I can't deal with her going back and forth maybe I will, maybe I won't.

Here's the kicker.  She just got engaged herself and has decided to have a small ceremony with her fam two weeks before me.  So now im suppose to be all excited for her.  I don't understand why in her mind it would be ok for her to come to the wedding just not stand up. 

Now what, I have two very close bridesmaids I was thinking of asking to step in as co-matrons of honor.  They have been there for me for years and are already planning on planning my party for me, doing dress duty at the wedding and all they have wanted to do it help me with wedding stuff.  I am over hurting my current MOH feelings, cuz she really hurt mine.  But would my other two friends feel like sloppy seconds.

Summer2011Bride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-backed-out-ventwhat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e82124c9-f4ab-46ba-b563-5eabe017edf1Post:c03b49eb-cb20-4b7b-97cf-b615f7da9d46">MOH backed out (VENT!)...what to do</a>:
[QUOTE]So here is the short version.  My MOH's mother passed away a few months ago.  At the time she told me she didn't think she could stand up because it would be to hard to be in my wedding knowing her mom would never be there for hers.  I had nothing but sympathy.  I told her don't worry about anything work on yourself and we will deal with it later.  We recently had a heart to heart where I told her I could care less if she helps with invites or plans a great bach. party I just wanted her next to me while I got married.  She said that meant so much and she would be my MOH. Yesterday she tells me she doesn't think she can do it anymore. <strong> It would just be to hard for her to have all that attention on her (insert bridezilla comment here).</strong>  I am extremely hurt and pissed.  She is making it all about her and I realized that I have been worried about her, about this situation not to mention defending her to everyone, for the past few months.  I can't deal with her going back and forth maybe I will, maybe I won't. Here's the kicker. <strong> She just got engaged herself and has decided to have a small ceremony with her fam two weeks before me.  S</strong>o now im suppose to be all excited for her.  I don't understand why in her mind it would be ok for her to come to the wedding just not stand up.  <strong>Now what, I have two very close bridesmaids I was thinking of asking to step in as co-matrons of honor. </strong> They have been there for me for years and are already planning on planning my party for me, doing dress duty at the wedding and all they have wanted to do it help me with wedding stuff.  I am over hurting my current MOH feelings, cuz she really hurt mine.  But would my other two friends feel like sloppy seconds.
Posted by zalec1kd[/QUOTE]

I do not get why the bolded comment was bridezilla-ish or why that made you pissed. Her mother died and she isn't comfortable being up there with everyone looking at her--possibly she thinks she might break down and can't handle all the attention? I really don't get why this comment was the straw that broke the camel's back. She is not at ALL making it all about her. Cut her some slack--her mother died! That doesn't just go away in a couple months.

For her getting married, it shouldn't matter when her wedding is. She can choose the date she wants. You also said it was a small, family-only ceremony. It's not like she was complaining about being in front of people at yours, then turning around and having a huge wedding herself. This sounds very small and intimate--unlike yours where she'd have a lot of eyes on you. You're being a crappy friend to not be happy for her. YOU are the one only thinking of yourself.

Do not ask anyone to fill her position. That is saying that your former MOH was replaceable and you look at these girls as just being spot-fillers. Neither is good. Also, they don't HAVE to help you with any wedding stuff. If they are, great, but they don't have to and just b/c your former MOH didn't does not make her a crappy friend or MOH. YOu are being very selfish and insensitive to her situation. Get over yourself and try to mend your relationship with her.

bgoguen

I completely understand why you're frustrated and hurt, but I think you need to cut your former-MOH some slack. I'm sure that she knows how much she's disappointing you and it must have been very hard for her to back out. Grief is a very fluid thing, and it can be better some days and worse other days. She may have been trying to keep things together but realized that she would probably only end up making a scene at your wedding and ruining your day. She's going through a very difficult time right now, and you need to be supportive of her. One day, you may lose someone very close to you, and you'll want people to be understanding, even if it interferes with their important plans.

With regard to you asking your other bridesmaids to be co-maids of honor, I think you should! I'd just explain that so-and-so couldn't participate for personal reasons, and that since both of them have been acting like maids-of-honor anyway, you'd be honored to have them accept the official title If they accept, great! If not, then you press on without anyone filling that role. Your bridesmaids should still be able to put everything together and stand up with you in a perfect line without a MOH.

Summer2011Bride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-backed-out-ventwhat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e82124c9-f4ab-46ba-b563-5eabe017edf1Post:523b0e44-3305-4d5f-add7-a4b5b4f8c93a">Re: MOH backed out (VENT!)...what to do</a>:
[QUOTE]I completely understand why you're frustrated and hurt, but I think you need to cut your former-MOH some slack. I'm sure that she knows how much she's disappointing you and it must have been very hard for her to back out. Grief is a very fluid thing, and it can be better some days and worse other days. She may have been trying to keep things together but realized that she would probably only end up making a scene at your wedding and ruining your day. She's going through a very difficult time right now, and you need to be supportive of her. One day, you may lose someone very close to you, and you'll want people to be understanding, even if it interferes with their important plans. <strong>With regard to you asking your other bridesmaids to be co-maids of honor, I think you should! I'd just explain that so-and-so couldn't participate for personal reasons, and that since both of them have been acting like maids-of-honor anyway, you'd be honored to have them accept the official title :</strong>) If they accept, great! If not, then you press on without anyone filling that role. Your bridesmaids should still be able to put everything together and stand up with you in a perfect line without a MOH. :)
Posted by bgoguen[/QUOTE]

THis is terrible advice. There is no such thing as "acting" like an MOH.

MOH's duties:
Buy dress
Show up at wedding
Possibly fix train and hold flowers

That's it. Period. Anything else they CHOOSE to do is optional. You are NOT doing them a favor by "offering" them this "title." You are telling them that people are replaceable in your eyes. Your MOH was replaceable, and if they don't act the way you want them to, then they too are replaceable. You're also telling them they weren't "good enough" to be an MOH to begin with, but because the spot opened up, you can fit them in now. Just don't do it. It's a crappy thing to do. You don't have to have an MOH. A BM can hold your flowers, give a toast, fix your train, etc.

bgoguen

Disagree with me all you like. You obviously come from a very different perspective, and it sounds like this is a sensitive subject for you?

I never said that offering the title of MOH was doing them a FAVOR. It is HONORING them by recognizing them as important people that helped you plan your wedding. 

If helping the bride isn't being part of the bridal party, then why do they have to hold your flowers or fix your train? I think it would be really sad if your best friends said that all they were going to do is wear a dress and just stand there while you get married. I believe that the point of the bridal party is to be a support system for the bride and to be honored by her as the important people in her life. 

Disagree if you like, but I don't think that your attitude is actually helping the OP at all. You're just telling her that she's a jerk and not actually giving her any useful advice that's she's going to take. 

zalec1kd

Thanks bgoguen.  I know this post would put me in bad light but its just a difficult situation and it so hard for me to understand where she is coming from.  She won't go to my shower in a couple weeks yet she wants me to go to her engagment party in a week, with 50+ guest.  Doesn't make sense.

The whole "duties' statment I could care less about.  I meant it when I told my former MOH.  "I don't care if you can't do anything, I just want you by my side"...I know this post doesn't show it, but I'm actually a very laid back bride.  My thoughts are that everything will workout why stress about wedding details, but this situtation really hurt me.

I think my other two friends would be honored.  I was in both there weddings and a maid of honor.  They are awesome friends!

Summer2011Bride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-backed-out-ventwhat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e82124c9-f4ab-46ba-b563-5eabe017edf1Post:0a6c443f-1042-4faa-9a89-4b66e108f05e">Re: MOH backed out (VENT!)...what to do</a>:
[QUOTE]Disagree with me all you like. <strong>You obviously come from a very different perspective, and it sounds like this is a sensitive subject for you? </strong>I never said that offering the title of MOH was doing them a FAVOR. <strong>It is HONORING them by recognizing them as important people that helped you plan your wedding.</strong>  If helping the bride isn't being part of the bridal party, then why do they have to hold your flowers or fix your train? I think it would be really sad if your best friends said that all they were going to do is wear a dress and just stand there while you get married. <strong>I believe that the point of the bridal party is to be a support system</strong> for the bride and to be honored by her as the important people in her life. <strong> Disagree if you like, but I don't think that your attitude is actually helping the OP at all. You're just telling her that she's a jerk and not actually giving her any useful advice that's she's going to take. </strong>
Posted by bgoguen[/QUOTE]

1. I'm not quite sure what you mean that it's a sensitive subject for me or that we have different perspectives. I mean, I guess we do, seeing as how I don't want to make my honor attendant my personal slave and all.

2. Yes, the title does honor them. If she wanted to truly honor them, she would have made them MOH's from the beginning, not as an afterthought when someone dropped out.

3. you shouldn't need support when planning a party. You need support for tragedies in life, oh you know, like when someone's MOTHER dies. NOT for party planning. If she needs support for that, she needs to take a step back from the wedding planning.

4. Actually telling her she will hurt her friends' feelings and they will think she's a jerk IS helpful advice. It's much better than actually doing what she intended and alienating and hurting her friends. But thanks for playing.

Summer2011Bride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-backed-out-ventwhat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e82124c9-f4ab-46ba-b563-5eabe017edf1Post:e42c621c-672b-43d2-a10f-39931f0c5b38">Re: MOH backed out (VENT!)...what to do</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks bgoguen.  I know this post would put me in bad light but its just a difficult situation<strong> and it so hard for me to understand where she is coming from.  </strong>She won't go to my shower in a couple weeks yet she wants me to go to her engagment party in a week, with 50+ guest.  Doesn't make sense. The whole "duties' statment I could care less about.  I meant it when I told my former MOH.  "I don't care if you can't do anything, I just want you by my side"...I know this post doesn't show it, but I'm actually a very laid back bride.  My thoughts are that everything will workout why stress about wedding details, but this situtation really hurt me. I think my other two friends would be honored.  I was in both there weddings and a maid of honor.  They are awesome friends!
Posted by zalec1kd[/QUOTE]

The bolded part says it all. You can't possibly know where she's coming from unless you were also in that situation. So instead of complaining about her on here and replacing her with other people which will make her feel like crap, why don't you sit down and TALK with her about it. Tell her what you told us. You just want her to be by your side, you don't know what she's going through but will be there for her, and you understand if she's not comfortable being in the wedding. You just admitted you can't possibly know what she's feeling, so how can you chastise her for not wanting to stand in front of a bunch of people?

bstent

I think I fall somewhere in the middle ground of the two PP's. I'm not sure if you've ever lost a parent, and I haven't either so I can't relate on a personal level, but my mom lost her mom at 21 and has had to go through most of the major events of her life (meeting her future husband, getting engaged and married, graduating university, having her babies) without her mom. I know that's been very hard on her and she misses her every single day of her life. You're wedding is one single day in your life, and while it is a huge event for you and one you will remember forever, and having your best friend stand beside you would mean the world to you, try to put yourself into her shoes as best you can. Think of how hurt you feel that your best friend doesn't feel up to standing up beside you, and now imagine how much more intense that pain would be if your mom was the one who couldn't be there, and wouldn't ever be there again for ANY major event in your life. And then imagine having to go through a social event as big as a wedding where you are the MOH. And yes the MOH doesn't have to do all of the extra duties, but in all of the weddings I have been in I have talked to the bride and groom's family and friends, smiled all night, danced and had fun, gave a heartfelt speech, etc. etc. If I was grieving for my mother, there is no way in this WORLD I could have gotten through the night in one piece let alone enjoyed doing it.

I don't think you're a bad friend, a bridezilla, or any other nasty things, but I do think you're caught up in your wedding and maybe not seeing that your friend needs compassion and understanding at this difficult time.

As for asking your other friends to be MOH's, I personally wouldn't do it because my MOH's (my sisters) are irreplaceable, just like each of my other bridesmaids are irreplaceable. I also don't think it's necessary. I do think you should tell them that you are so grateful for them and tell them what wonderful friends they have been to you both for the wedding and in life in general, but a title doesn't matter, in my opinion anyways. I've been a bridesmaid in a wedding where the MOH was busy/out of town/not very interested, and I took the lead in planning the bachelorette, helping the bride with decorations, etc. (by choice), and never once did I resent not being MOH. I did, however, appreciate the private recognition I received through hugs and heartfelt thank yous from the bride and groom and the mother of the groom.

Good luck

lynxbbgirl

My MOH father passed away late March, and about a month later, she started the heart to heart of how hard it would be for her to stand in the front of the church and watch my father walk me down bc she would never have that. She said, no matter how hard, she would be there for me on my wedding day.

There is no way if she ever backed out that I would hold that against her.

And I told her that.

I told her she could back out the day that we were talking, the day before the wedding or the day of. That my love for her would never change bc of that and she would still be more than welcome to the wedding. I have my mom and dad, that's more than I can say for my best friend. And bc of that I am there everyday that it hurts and I am there for her went she cries. And I cry with her everytime. And I hold her and wipe away her tears. That's what best friends are for.

It doesn't matter when her wedding is. Let her have her day too.

blahblah85

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-backed-out-ventwhat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e82124c9-f4ab-46ba-b563-5eabe017edf1Post:523b0e44-3305-4d5f-add7-a4b5b4f8c93a">Re: MOH backed out (VENT!)...what to do</a>:
[QUOTE]I completely understand why you're frustrated and hurt, but I think you need to cut your former-MOH some slack. I'm sure that she knows how much she's disappointing you and it must have been very hard for her to back out. Grief is a very fluid thing, and it can be better some days and worse other days. She may have been trying to keep things together but realized that she would probably only end up making a scene at your wedding and ruining your day. She's going through a very difficult time right now, and you need to be supportive of her. One day, you may lose someone very close to you, and you'll want people to be understanding, even if it interferes with their important plans. <strong>With regard to you asking your other bridesmaids to be co-maids of honor, I think you should! I'd just explain that so-and-so couldn't participate for personal reasons, and that since both of them have been acting like maids-of-honor anyway, you'd be honored to have them accept the official title :) If they accept, great! If not, then you press on without anyone filling that role. Your bridesmaids should still be able to put everything together and stand up with you in a perfect line without a MOH. :)
</strong>Posted by bgoguen[/QUOTE]

You shouldn't replace MOH.  It makes MOH feel like she is replaceable, and it makes new MOHes feel like second string. 

HandBanana

I just can not imagine feeling anything but sympathy for my best friend if she lost her mother.  Losing one of parents suddenly has always been one of my greatest fears.

Please do not end a friendship because you can not understand the immense grief your best friend is going through

mellimel19

As someone who has lost a parent, I understand how your friend feels. She is probably concerned that she will start crying and make a scene at your wedding, and as a prominent member of the bridal party, people will notice. Try to have some compassion and understanding for your friend.

At least you acknowledge that you don't know where she's coming from. Should you ever have had the misfortune of losing a parent, I think you would look at this entirely differently. As someone above mentioned, grief is fluid. I lost my father when I was 13, and I am now 32. I was at a friend's wedding a few weeks ago, and literally broke down and lost it during the father and daughter dance. I had to excuse myself so I could cry it out and compose myself in the bathroom. Now I've been to many weddings in the years since I've lost my father and have been fine, but I guess it just really got to me this time because I am now engaged and it really hit home to me that my father will not be at my wedding to walk me down the aisle or dance with me. Just further illustration that you just have no idea how/when grief is going to hit you. I can't imagine how much MORE of a wreck I would have been if I had only lost my father a few months ago.

Please think outside of the wedding bubble us brides tend to put ourselves in, and put yourself back in the real world, where one of your very best friends is hurting, mourning the loss of her mother, and could really use the support of her friend instead of being criticized for not being the bridesmaid you want her to be and for actually finding some joy in her life during what is an otherwise difficult time.

zalec1kd

Thanks for all the advise ladies. I'm trying to understand as much as possible unfortunately I still disagree. My FI lost his dad and his family doesn't understand where she is coming from either as well as two other members of our bridal party who recently lost parents. Death effects people differently. I just wouldn't relate to a best friends wedding. Since I posted this she now wants to do it and then called back and said no this is what is bothering me the back and fourth. She wants to do one of the readings but I already have asked my god parents. I just need to tell her to stop thinking about it just drop it and we ll have to see how to repair our friendship later

mellimel19

Very understandable that the back and forth is frustrating you. But I find it very sad that you are letting this damage your friendship (you mention seeing how to repair your friendship later). Once your wedding day is done and all the stress and hoopla of party planning is behind you, don't you want your best friend to continue being an important person in your life? Or are you willing to throw that away because she's not acting the way you expect her to in relation to your wedding? Try to think of her feelings and your friendship outside of the context of the wedding. Just because you or other people don't understand how she's feeling or acting doesn't mean that her grief and feelings aren't valid. It's very tough to say how someone "should" act in her situation. If I were your best friend and knew that this was the way you felt, I would be seriously reconsidering our friendship. I truly don't mean this to sound catty or nasty, I really am just trying to get you to have more compassion for your friend and see things from her side.

Matty143

Losing a parent is the WORST thing that I could think of, so I understand that she is upset. You do need to respect her situation and give her plenty of space and time and be a great friend. Whats weird, and no one else seems to be responding to, is that she feels ok enough to have an engagement party that you are invited to, but she knows she wont be up for going to your shower. ?
Im sorry, but that is a little odd.
If she is upset and not up for being around a group, how is she going to make it through her own party?

Im sure Im going to catch slack for my comment but that is weird.