A Shoulder to Lean On....

KatBa1977

I am a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding. She is having serious future mother-in-law issues. In fact, she postponed the wedding once already.
Now, as the wedding approaches for the second time and the final details are being made, tensions are running high. Her mother-in-law has dictated and changed the entire ceremony. When she does not get her way, she sulks, and then her husband steps in and admonishes the bride (publicly) for upsetting his wife. Future MIL makes subtle, snide remarks. Though the bride is my friend, making me biased, I honestly cannot understand why this mother-in-law is not jumping up and down with joy. My friend is amazing and anyone would be happy to welcome her into their family. (The groom is an only child)

The reason I am writing this post is because I need help. I am at my wit's end. The bride consistently comes ranting and crying, etc. to me about her future MIL's antics and I am out of advice, words, even gestures to try to calm and soothe her.
(Sometimes I am speechless because I cannot believe what this lady has said or done)
I am hoping someone can help me come up with words or something that I can use to comfort/assure my friend. I am heartsick for my friend. She loves her fiance so much and believes this is who she is meant to spend the rest of her life with. But, at what cost? By the way, her fiance is of very little help when it comes to dealing with this.
I am trying to be a friend, but I feel so inadequete. What can I do?

artbyallie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_shoulder-lean?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e8f92d89-60e8-4260-b776-85d595b43227Post:37f212ce-f132-469c-ae98-fe8b2931b2ae">A Shoulder to Lean On....</a>:
[QUOTE]I am a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding. She is having serious future mother-in-law issues. In fact, she postponed the wedding once already. Now, as the wedding approaches for the second time and the final details are being made, tensions are running high. Her mother-in-law has dictated and changed the entire ceremony. When she does not get her way, she sulks, and then her husband steps in and admonishes the bride (publicly) for upsetting his wife. Future MIL makes subtle, snide remarks. Though the bride is my friend, making me biased, I honestly cannot understand why this mother-in-law is not jumping up and down with joy. My friend is amazing and anyone would be happy to welcome her into their family. (The groom is an only child) The reason I am writing this post is because I need help. I am at my wit's end. The bride consistently comes ranting and crying, etc. to me about her future MIL's antics and I am out of advice, words, even gestures to try to calm and soothe her. (Sometimes I am speechless because I cannot believe what this lady has said or done) I am hoping someone can help me come up with words or something that I can use to comfort/assure my friend. I am heartsick for my friend. She loves her fiance so much and believes this is who she is meant to spend the rest of her life with. But, at what cost? By the way, her fiance is of very little help when it comes to dealing with this. I am trying to be a friend, but I feel so inadequete. What can I do?
Posted by KatBa1977[/QUOTE]

<div>Give her fiancé a kick in the pants because <em>he</em> needs to deal with <em>his</em> parents. If he can't stand up for his wife-to-be, he won't stand up for his wife and his parents will continue to make her life miserable.</div>

4LeafClover3

All you can do is be there for her and comfort her when she is stressed about this. You can't really say to the FMIL or do anything about it. There is really no way to assure her this will get better... because chances are it will only continue when she gets married.

Honestly her fiance needs to man up and tell his mother and father to back off and not treat her this way. For him to let his parents do this to the woman he loves makes me think he has some growing up to do. If I was this bride I would tell him that he needs to stand up for me or I'm done. I mean he has to know that this kind of behavior toward his future wife is unacceptable. Grow a pair, dude!

I don't care what anyone says... you DO marry the family. So if his parents are like this now, how are they going to be when they have kids? I guess I am the type though that if you treat me like crap I will definitely go at you and tell you how it is. But she might be more passive than I am and that is ok. But she needs to think long and hard if this is worth putting up with. She needs to stand up for herself, have her husband stand up for her or accept the fact that this is how it will always be when she marries in to this family. Because the more she and her hubbby to be allows this treatment to continue, the worse it will get. 

I guess her first step needs to be talking to her fiance and tell him how much his parents upset her and treat her like garbage and that the fact he does nothing about it makes her feel like he doesn't care about her. But you know your friend best. I wouldn't overly criticize the fiance to her but I would let her know that HE needs to be the one to step in first and take care of this unfortunate situation. These are his parents and the behavior is unacceptable.

Good luck, honey. I hope your friend gets the treatment and respect she deserves.

SSaltzman87

I too agree that her FI needs to grow a pair and stand up for his future wife. They're his parents, he should be the one dealing with it. It'll only get worse once they're married if nothing's done about it. All you can do is continue to be a good friend to her.

[Deleted User]

I was in a similar situation with my sister planning her wedding (my BIL's mother kept telling her how she was going to move in with them for 2 months after they had a baby... she wasn't even pregnant and they weren't planning to be for a few years, among many other things).

I just listened to her complaints and asked her questions that led her to figure out that this was not going to end unless she/they stopped it.  BIL was not happy that his mom was doing it, but wouldn't say anything.. until 3 years later when my sister lost it on him about his mom (she was pregnant at the time and terrified the woman was going to live with them forever.  His entire family refered to the baby as "my baby" and told my sister she was just growing it but they were going to raise it.)  He did eventually talk to his mom and set the boundaries, but only after several years of letting it happen.

Talk to your friend about how her FI feels about what his mom is doing.  If she doesn't know, then tell her she needs to talk to him.  If he doesn't like it, he needs to stand up now and stop it.  If he doesn't care, she needs to re-evaluate the relationship, because if he's fine with it, he'll never stop it and nothing will change. 

laurenes

I say this in sympathy with you; this is a situation we see all the time on this board. The FI doesn't want to man up and inform his mother that he is an adult, as is his wife, and set the boundaries, and it comes to a head during the wedding planning process. PPs are correct when they say that her FI needs to grow a pair and realize that his wife is his partner, he's going to have to live with her (and not his mother) for the rest of life, and needs to demand that his family respects her. I find it very upsetting particularly that you said he is publicly admonishing her.

Unfortunately, there is not much you can do on this front. The only person I would ever feel comfortable enough saying "Hey, your future husband is being a d***, he needs to grow a pair and stand up to his mother for you or you need to walk away" is my sister, were she in that situation. If you are subtle enough, you can try to ask questions to get her to the conclusion that she needs to make her husband stand up for her on her own, but I wouldn't enter the conversation guns blazing about the FI. PPs are true though, it never changes, and if her FI lets his mom walk all over her now, it will NOT improve post wedding.

KatieMazatie

I've seen many mothers of only children act this way ( not all, but many ) and this will not stop unless he says something to both of his parents. 

Often, if someone is contributing financially to a wedding, their opinions should be heard. However, her actions are out of line even if she was paying for the entire thing.  

If the bride is baffled, you are out of advice, and the FI is being a coward, then you should gift the FMIL with a book on wedding etiquette. Book mark the pages that dictate her role. 

KatBa1977

I would like to thank everyone who took the time to post advice. Tonight was the rehearsal. All I can say is that if tonight was overlooked (the way that it was) as a HUGE red flag and warning, then there is nothing left for me to do, but stand by her side and smile... a lot.
I appreciate each of you.

Muffin'sMom

And make sure that you are there for her...she'll need you!