FMIL is making me want to elope!! Help!

KacieSunshine

My future mother-in-law is totally crazy, and I need advice badly! Background: She has two daughters and one son (my fiance). Her oldest daughter has completely cut her out of her life. Since they last spoke, this daughter has moved to the opposite side of the country, gotten married, and has now had her first child. She refuses to speak to her because of their past, and her new family has never met her. The second daughter lives closer and is in contact, but the grandkids call her their "mean grandma" and she is not allowed to babysit them. My fiance and this sister seriously think that she is mentally unstable, but cannot convince her to seek help. She is incredibly needy, and I believe jealous of me for taking away her son (she's never been married and is all alone now). On the few occasions I have seen her, she has found a way to draw everyone’s attention to her. When she thinks she’s being ignored, she sulks, says that she’s going to commit suicide, and calls me names in front of him. She has totally flipped out at me for getting involved in his business, although I think the fact that we’re getting married warrants my involvement. She even tells him that she wants me nowhere near her (then complains that I’m ignoring her, go figure). My fiance has tried to talk to her, but he says she has been this way his whole life; him talking to her certainly makes no difference that I can see. She needs treatment and probably medication, but since she doesn’t think there’s anything wrong, there’s really no way to force it on her. Back to my point: I am absolutely terrified of her ruining our wedding (she still thinks I manipulated her son into buying me a ring). I wouldn’t doubt for a second that she could and would do it. Personally, I’d love to do what the first sister did and not invite her at all. Unfortunately for me, my fiancé can’t bring himself to do that. So I’m trying to figure out my options. I’ve seriously contemplated eloping, just so that she can’t be there. But I would have a very hard time without MY parents, who I am very close to. Please, any advice so that I can relax on my big day without the fear that she’ll cause a scene and make it all about her? How do I remain in control when I know that talking to her nicely doesn’t do a bit of good?

em01092

First and foremost, when she called you names in front of your FI, what did he do? That is totally unacceptable and he should be standing up for his future wife. If he won't, then you can expect this type of stuff to continue, unless you move across the country like his sister. 

This is your FIs mother, so he needs to deal with her. It sounds like she definitely has some issues, and if your FI has tried talking with her, then I don't know what to tell you. Has HE told her HE thinks she needs medical help?  If she refuses to help her self, then there isn't a lot you can do unless she seriously tries to kill herself or harm someone else. You don't have to be buddy buddy with her. 

What occasions have you seen her? I mean, it takes a lot of nerve to fudge up someone's wedding, not so much someone's backyard BBQ. Still rude, but I'm just saying. Perhaps the magnitude of the event will keep her in check, which is unfortunately something you can't assess beforehand. 

Eloping seems like a good bet to me, but don't sacrifice what you want because of this woman. You can hire security if you feel that strongly about it, and they can handle her if she acts a fool. 

WaterPig83

You said you can't bring yourself to elope because you want your parents there, but what about a destination wedding? You could talk to your parents and pick a place that she can't afford to go. It's totally passive-agressive though. If you go ahead with a local wedding and invite her (you wouldn't be the first to not invite a parent) I'd recommend hiring a bouncer with specific instructions to eject her at the first sign of trouble, and make sure she knows about it. This is the time to put your foot down about crazy shiit.

Eventually, someone (preferably your FI) is going to have to tell her that she's batshit insane and no one wants to be around her and that if she wants to see her family again she needs to get psychological help.

RaptorSLH

[QUOTE]I'd recommend hiring a bouncer with specific instructions to eject her at the first sign of trouble, and make sure she knows about it. This is the time to put your foot down about crazy shiit. Eventually, someone (preferably your FI) is going to have to tell her that she's batshit insane and no one wants to be around her and that if she wants to see her family again she needs to get psychological help.
Posted by WaterPig83[/QUOTE]

<div>This, both parts, 100%.  Also, check your local laws on involuntary psychiatric commitment.   Depending on the believability of the suicide threats, it may be possible to have her temporarily committed as an immediate danger to herself. </div>

CowgirlK39

She sounds exactly like my FMIL. It also sounds like your FI is trying to stick up for you, but its like talking to the walls. After a while, you just realize the more you argue with someone like her, the worse it gets, and its just not worth the pain.

I like what KindaSparkly said above.... find someone who is knowledgable on mental health issues and get advice on how to deal with her outbursts. Be prepared for her to try something at your wedding.... I like the bouncer idea.

DeannaCW

I was thinking Histrionic personality disorder, different characteristics, but having to be the center of attention does cross over between the two.

My cousin's mom is apparently a drama queen too (never met the woman, least not at a time I was old enoughto remember her). When she called her mom to tell her about the wedding, she said she was invited but my aunt, her stepmom/"real" mom would be doing mother of the bride stuff and made it clear her mother was expected to behave. They also had someone designated to bounce her if she made a scene, though I don't know if her mom knew that.  Her mom cried at this phone call and didn't come. Nobody really missed her.

[Deleted User]

(lurker chiming)  She has Borderline Personality Disorder. You can't change her but you absolutely must set clear boundaries with her. The next time she threatens suicide, call 911 and let the mental health system handle it. She needs intensive psychiatric treatment.