Moms and Maids

HELP screwed up bridesmaids

I always knew that if my finance had sisters, they would automatically be in my wedding party, and i always knew my two cousins whom i am very close too would be in my wedding party, but i never really had a maid of honor. I basically chose one by default. The girl (a very close cousin of mine)  i wanted to be my maid of honor, lived 8 hours away and has 2 small children - one of whom is my flower girl, so i never asked her to be a bridesmaid  because of those two reason. i didnt want to impose the expense or headache on her, i never asked. When all along she was the only person i wanted. Now, she is incredilbly hurt and upset that i never asked which in turn is making me feel very hurt that i never asked her. That i automatically assumed she wouldnt want to be involved. When we talked about it, she said that it would never have been an imposition and she would be incredibly honored and always figured she would be involved. Now i feel that if i were to ask her she would think it would be out of pity....what do i do?!?!?!?? HELP!

Re: HELP screwed up bridesmaids

  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_screwed-up-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:edfa3df9-9982-4efc-b2f6-ee1952caf0c9Post:2ae54fc4-2790-4a67-b3de-c8d764596bc2">HELP screwed up bridesmaids</a>:
    [QUOTE]I always knew that if my finance had sisters, they would automatically be in my wedding party, and i always knew my two cousins whom i am very close too would be in my wedding party, but i never really had a maid of honor. I basically chose one by default. The girl (a very close cousin of mine)  i wanted to be my maid of honor, lived 8 hours away and has 2 small children - one of whom is my flower girl, so i never asked her to be a bridesmaid  because of those two reason.<strong> i didnt want to impose the expense or headache on her</strong>, i never asked. When all along she was the only person i wanted. Now, she is incredilbly hurt and upset that i never asked which in turn is making me feel very hurt that i never asked her. That i automatically assumed she wouldnt want to be involved. When we talked about it, she said that it would never have been an imposition and she would be incredibly honored and always figured she would be involved. Now i feel that if i were to ask her she would think it would be out of pity....what do i do?!?!?!?? HELP!
    Posted by nicoleq2012[/QUOTE]
    Lesson learned... you should always let the person choose what they can and can't afford and what they can and can't deal with.
    Now that you learned that lesson, maybe you could sit down with her and explain that you really want her to be a part of your day and she shouldn't be upset just because of crap like this.

    How did this come up in conversation? Did she asks you out of the blue, "Why was I not asked?" or did you bring it up to her?
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Your wedding is still more than a year away, so it was kind of early to settle on your wedding party.

    You should just be honest with your cousin and hope she understands. I think you could still ask her to be your MOH, since you haven't asked any of the others.

    Good luck.
                       
  • edited December 2011
    She asked me why she wasnt asked, because i was talking about who i had picked and saying how i didnt like how we were having communication problems right now, and she kind of went "what about me?! i thought i was like i sister to you..." and the converstation went from there. I understand that i need to sit down and talk to her about it and explain everything but i dont know how to ask her to be in my party without it sounding like pity - which it wouldnt be.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_screwed-up-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:edfa3df9-9982-4efc-b2f6-ee1952caf0c9Post:447a981e-c59d-4c1a-801f-40ee147cb25d">Re: HELP screwed up bridesmaids</a>:
    [QUOTE]She asked me why she wasnt asked, because i was talking about who i had picked and saying how i didnt like how we were having communication problems right now, and she kind of went "what about me?! i thought i was like i sister to you..." and the converstation went from there. I understand that i need to sit down and talk to her about it and explain everything but i dont know how to ask her to be in my party without it sounding like pity - which it wouldnt be.
    Posted by nicoleq2012[/QUOTE]

    You have learned another valuable lesson. Don't bring up your WP with a person who is NOT in the WP. That is just flaunting it in front of them. You would have probably avoided this had you just not said anything.
    But what's done is done. I would either not have an MOH at all since it doesn't sound like you want anyone else to be it and just have BM's, or depending how your convo with her goes and if she seems OK with it now, extend the invite to her, say something like, "I'm really sorry. I should not have made the decision for you. I should have asked you like I wanted to. I would still love for you to be my MOH if you are willing."


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  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_screwed-up-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:edfa3df9-9982-4efc-b2f6-ee1952caf0c9Post:2ae54fc4-2790-4a67-b3de-c8d764596bc2">HELP screwed up bridesmaids</a>:
    [QUOTE]I always knew that if my finance had sisters, they would automatically be in my wedding party, and i always knew my two cousins whom i am very close too would be in my wedding party, but i never really had a maid of honor. I basically chose one by default. The girl (a very close cousin of mine)<strong>  i wanted to be my maid of honor, lived 8 hours away and has 2 small children - one of whom is my flower girl, so i never asked her to be a bridesmaid  because of those two reason</strong>. i didnt want to impose the expense or headache on her, i never asked. When all along she was the only person i wanted. Now, she is incredilbly hurt and upset that i never asked which in turn is making me feel very hurt that i never asked her. That i automatically assumed she wouldnt want to be involved. When we talked about it, she said that it would never have been an imposition and she would be incredibly honored and always figured she would be involved. Now i feel that if i were to ask her she would think it would be out of pity....what do i do?!?!?!?? HELP!
    Posted by nicoleq2012[/QUOTE]
    <div>
    </div><div>As you now well know, you should never assume things about people be it their distance, if they have kids, if they are pregnant, if they're in the military, etc. </div><div>
    </div><div>Basically, tell your cousin the truth and apologize for assuming the her distance and children were going to be too much to be in the wedding, then say, "I would be very much honored in having you as a Bridesmaid. Would you be a BM?" Hopefully with the truth and apologizes out she will know you were mistaken for not asking her the first time and she won't see as being it a pity "have to" action.
    </div>
  • edited December 2011
    You screwed up, yep.  Apologize and ask her now.  Tell her what you told us.
  • edited December 2011
    I think she would appreciate that you took her circumstances into consideration, but as they say, the road to you-know-where is paved with good intentions.  Clearly you care about her.  Just tell her your exact reasoning for not asking her and make sure she knows 100% that it was not because you didn't want her involved.  Out of curiosity, how did you explain not choosing her when she asked you about it?
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  • edited December 2011
    I explained to her, through the tears exactly what i wrote on here. That i didnt want to impose on her the extra responsiblity and financial responsiblity. But that i wanted her involved, that i needed her invovled. I just didnt think she would want to be involve because of the distance. That i assumed that she wouldnt even want to be involved in general.
  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_screwed-up-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:edfa3df9-9982-4efc-b2f6-ee1952caf0c9Post:41105bca-145b-44a7-bc4a-481bdecba7c8">Re: HELP screwed up bridesmaids</a>:
    [QUOTE]I explained to her, through the tears exactly what i wrote on here. That i didnt want to impose on her the extra responsiblity and financial responsiblity. But that i wanted her involved, that i needed her invovled. I just didnt think she would want to be involve because of the distance. That i assumed that she wouldnt even want to be involved in general.
    Posted by nicoleq2012[/QUOTE]
    She's still pissed?
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  • awick14awick14 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    i asked my best friend to be my maid of honor about 6 months after she had her first child and about a week after she told me that her and her Boyfriend bought therir first house. I asked her when it was just us. (before we asked the others as we asked our sibling at a imediate family only dinner, all the sibling are in the party) I didnt want her to be afraid to turn it down in front of a whole bunch of people. If you really want her to be up there with you ask her.
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  • edited December 2011
    Shes not pissed off, shes more hurt which at this point is worse. She doesnt understand why i didnt think she would want to be involved in the first place.
  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    There really isn't more you can do besides telling her that you really do want her to be a Bridesmaid and you hope she accepts. You made the mistake of assuming and now you have to deal with her hurt feelings, I know it wasn't you intentions but this stuff happens when Brides jump too quickly without really thinking about it first. Hopefully, she will forgive you and accept being a BM. 
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