Moms and Maids

Re: .

  • lynxbbgirllynxbbgirl member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Ok, first when is your wedding?
    Who is paying for it?

    If mom is paying, mom gets a say in what happens. If you really like something, then you need to be able to tell her that. A lot of ladies on here end up not being able to talk to their moms about anything wedding related, sad but true.....
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    Hire a wedding planner.  S/he will be your ally and make sure that your wedding gets planned the way you want it, as well as easing all of that stress.  Planning a wedding is stressful, but it should also be fun.
  • doeeyes16doeeyes16 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hi,
    I am in the early process of planning- so I haven't chosen a date yet but I am thinking a year from now or possibly earlier.


    My parents are contributing, I'm contributing - so I understand she gets a say and I want her to have a say but everytime I try to talk to her about the things I want (lower guest list, type of wedding dress etc) she disagrees and doesn't want to listen ...
  • doeeyes16doeeyes16 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Brittbride30,

    Thanks for the advice - I am definately leaning toward getting a planner to help resolve this issue for the most part.

    But inevitably- she will call me/email about  issues we disagree on (It's started already) and we get in these fights and I just want to avoid as many fights as possible- so is the wedding planner really going to referee issues between my mom and I on every aspect? I'm unfamiliar with how hands-on planners can be.
  • ootmother2ootmother2 member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    I' m MOB and my exH & I paid for the wedding entirely, except for rings and HM

    We asked for two things

    Formal engraved invitations, black on ecru, traditional wording

    and
    h
    a live band because they wanted a formal wedding

    The rest of the choices were theirs.  Sometimes they asked me what I thought before booking something, sometimes not.  All & all it turned out very well.

    We didn't use a wedding coordinator (that was me) but I think in your case, it could be a very good idea.

    GL!
  • doeeyes16doeeyes16 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thank you all for your advice and perspectives :)
  • edited December 2011
    I think you will need to decide what parts are important to you and what parts you can give on.  Maybe you can arange it so you pay for the parts you will be firm on and have your mom pay for the parts that she gets to decide or have a major say in. 

    It would keep the peace and you will both be happy. 

    On a side note there are a few things I gave on and now that I'm only 10 days away I'm so glad I gave on the issue.  My fiance wanted to have the groomsman wear suits and I wanted them to wear tuxes so they matched.  I gave on that and I'm so glad I didn't have to cordinate tux fittings and all that stuff. 
    "Faith Hope and Love are some good things he gave us, and the greatest is Love"
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    The ideal situation is that the parents contribute a certain amount of $$ toward the wedding, as their gift,  and allow the couple to do the planning. But it doesn't always work out that way. Some parents are easygoing on the planning; others are more controlling.

    Make a list of items that are, to you, non-negotiable, such as your dress. You should pay for those things. The guest list is trickier, because those who are paying have a say in the guest list.  Try to work on a compromise with your mom. Don't let the discussion turn into an argument. If you see it going in that direction, take a break from it. If your dad is in the picture, he might be able to reason with your mom. Remember that your parents get the final say, if they want it, on anything that they are financing, so choose your list carefully.

    Congratulations on your engagement and happy planning.


                       
  • edited December 2011
    When talking to/interviewing planners, be honest with them about your situation with your mother.  You will most definitely not be the first bride they've seen with this problem.  It's not the planners job to be a referee on every little thing, but as long as you are upfront about your issues, they should be able to run a little bit of interference with your mom. They have lots of experience dealing with MOBs, and can be a voice of reason.  Also, they can help you decide when to stand your ground on decisions and when it won't matter to let your mom have her way. Ask the planner what types of situations they've had to deal with and how they handled it.  That will give you a good idea of how they can help you.  Who knows, some of their past clients may make your mom sound like an angel compared with other MOBs.  I suggest talking with several, being honest about your MOB situation, and choosing whoever seems calm and level-headed but can stand their ground.  

    This also may be a good time to have a heart-to-heart, very honest talk with your mom.  Let her know that you love her and appreciate her and you know she just wants you to have the most beautiful wedding possible, but that when you argue or she says negative things about your ideas, that it takes the fun out of this for you.  Let her know that you want her to be involved and you value her opinion, but you are the bride and it is ultimately YOUR wedding.  And if all else fails and she keeps saying your dress is ugly, food is bland, etc. then tell her it is your wedding and you can have an ugly dress and bland food if you want to :) lol

    Good Luck and Best Wishes
  • AiobheannAiobheann member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-issues-need-moral-supportadvice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ee4fc79b-3b48-4bb0-a45d-458a5e213254Post:24ac9030-d168-4e88-b46e-b712120c5620">Help... mom issues... need moral support/advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hello, So I am coming on here because I am on the verge of a mental breakdown and I need help from other people maybe going through this situtation. Just got engaged and I am anxious about the entire planning process--- because I knew planning would be stressful because of my mom- who insists on being a part (ie deciding) everything and hates all of my ideas. Any suggestions on how to deal with her without developing an ulcer and maintaining some decision power?? :(  Just feeling overwhelmed and not excited about this process (more like dreading it).<div>Posted by doeeyes16[/QUOTE] </div><div>How do you handle your moms behavior when your wedding isn't the issue? 

    </div>
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    Crazy! I thought my mom was the only one like that Sounds like their twins :) we are getting married in 2 months now and I've gotten the emails, dirty looks and arguments. My advice is stand your Ground this is your day I had to tell my mom that she was being overbearing She still does it but not as much!
  • edited December 2011
    I definately agree with the part above about standing your ground... in some ways I look at wedding planning as though it is a right of passage to being a real adult... being able to pick your battles, know what's important enough that you want to fight for it, and know what things are less important to you to the point that you are willing to compromise.  

    Also, being able to have a frank conversation with your mom or FI and explain WHY a certain thing is important to you is a valuable life lesson too.  Wanting things a certain way just because that's the way you want them, is less mature and easier to disagree with. But, if you have logic to back up your decision or can demonstrate to her that you've considered other options and have concluded that the idea you are proposing is more efficient/practical/meaningful, I think your mom is more likely to see things your way or atleast go along with an idea she may not love.  Good luck!

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  • dsmmdsmm member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    As a mob, it is hard letting my daughter and her intended make their own decisions about their wedding.  She's my little girl and I want to do for her.   I have to keep reminding myself ...their wedding, their day.  That being said, there are only two request I have (Yes, her dad and I are paying the lion's share.).  First, no smashing of cake into the face of the bride or groom.  Secondly, no dollar dance. 

    You need to sit down with mama and ask her what are the most important things, in her opinion, with the wedding.  If it's something that you and your intended really don't care about, you could ask her to be in charge of that.  Otherwise, tell mom you love and need her for moral support and the occasional opinion. 
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