Moms and Maids

Question from a Bridesmaid (long)

Hi everyone,

I haven't been on this site in a long time (since I was planning my 2006 wedding) but I thought maybe some of you could help me out. I am standing up in a wedding but I am not friends with the bride. I am good friends with the groom, and both my DH and I are standing up. I don't really know her that well, and I'm not sure how to approach this situation, given that the wedding is less than two weeks away.

A little over a month ago, the bride e-mailed all the bridesmaids to tell us that she had decided we did not all need to get our hair done identically (generous, huh?) and that we could make appointments wherever we wanted, but that she would prefer if longer hair was pulled up. (She says she thinks it would be great if we all did something with curls and an updo.) Because my husband and I are already paying so much money for this wedding (my dress was $150, his tux was $150, $50 for my shoes, plus airfare and a rental car because we live out of state, not to mention meals when we are not at the wedding festivities), I decided I would just do my own hair in a simple updo. I e-mailed her and told her this, but got no response. Again, because we're not friends and hardly ever talk (I've only met her four times), I didn't hound her but took her non-response as acceptance.

Then, about a week ago, she sent another e-mail out to all the bridesmaids "reminding" us that she wants us all to have a formal updo for the wedding, and to let her know if we have had trouble making an appointment at a salon. What gives? Shouldn't she have told me before if she wasn't OK with me doing my own hair? And it seems to me that if a bride is requiring her bridesmaids to have their hair done "formally" that she should pay for it, yes? (Of course, since she also told us in that e-mail not to worry about jewelry because her gift to us will be matching jewelry for the wedding, I doubt she thinks that way. Gag.)

I'm just not sure what to do. I practiced styling my own hair this morning, and I'm sure it doesn't look as "formal" as she has in mind, but it's cheaper than the $100 I'll be spending on an updo. My husband doesn't want me to get it done because he says she should have told me clearly if she wanted that, instead of beating around the bush (he actually thinks I should wear it down just to annoy her). My mom says she will pay for me to get it done, basically because she doesn't want this bride taking out her frustration on my friend, so it's not a money thing, but more of a principle thing. I have an appointment made, but I'm not sure if I'll keep it.

It's hard for me to understand this kind of expectation -- when I got married, I just asked my bridesmaids to have a long black dress, but they didn't even all get the same one, let alone all get their hair done. I have no patience for the bride-as-dictator. But, this woman has pressured our friend to cancel plans with us more than half the times we've made them in the last year because she doesn't like his friends (hence why I've only met her a few times), and I'm worried that if I make her mad it will cause her to do that even more.

Sorry that's so long, but wow did it feel good to vent! Any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Thanks y'all!

Re: Question from a Bridesmaid (long)

  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    She needs to pay.  I'd tell her no, it's just not something you can accommodate in your budget, but that you promise it'll look nice for the wedding.  Then the ball's in her court.  Hopefully she retreats from madness and is cool with it.  If she kicks you out over it, she owes you a check for your attire and I'd say you dodged a bullet.
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  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    ditto brooke. 

    No to paying for hair.

    Smile if you're kicked out by the 'zilla bride.

    GL.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • edited December 2011
    As a soon to be bride I found that this bride is a terror!!  I am paying for my bridesmaid makeup and half of their hair (i can't afford everything but they appreciate the help as well).  Its awful how bossy and overbearing some people can get!
  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    When I was polling my bridesmaids to find out if they were interested in pro hair and how much they could afford to contribute if I couldn't foot the bill, one girl told me straight up that she couldn't afford to have her hair done, and since it's very long she probably couldn't do it on her own but could probably have someone else help her.  I ended up being able to cover the whole cost, but I appreciated her letting me know the deal.

    If you're better friends with the groom, perhaps you'd be more comfortable talking to him about this?
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • STLBeccaSTLBecca member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I say you dont go...do it yourself...and if she says anything...then you tell her that you already emailed her. She didnt respond. That MUST mean that its okay. lol

    Otherwise she should pay.

    I know it is expensive to be in a wedding...i feel so guilty even asking my girls and guys. We dont have the money to really pay for everyone's hair...but i told them they could do whatever they wanted...a couple have shorter hair so they'll just do it themselves. We'll do makeup together...not that picky.  Also, I told all my girls they could wear whatever shoes they had or wanted to buy. I dont care what color/design. You wont see them anyways...I am trying really hard to make things a little less stressful.  Hopefully my girls know that.
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  • edited December 2011

    Brooke is right...use her answer! 

    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
  • danielsbekahdanielsbekah member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Well, since the bride has not said right out that NO, you can't do your own hair, I would just do it yourself. Maybe send her another email reminding her? And if she has a problem, then like others have said, tell her it's not in your budget and if she insists on a salon do, then she can pay for it.
    ~ Married to my love 7/31/04 ~ ~ Mommy to Baby C 10/14/09 ~ ~ MOH for my sis on 10/7/07 ~ ~ BM for my BF on 4/30/11 ~
  • edited December 2011
    100% agree!
    I am not down with that buh-lon-ey!
    This bride does not sound delightful.
  • edited December 2011
    I am so glad that I'm only having one BM, so I'm not even tempted to do the whole micro-managed, identical bridesmaids thing.  Ick.
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