Am I expecting more than I should?

jessicagunning

Most of my bridesmaids are out of town. I have one who is in the same city with me. I consider her a great friend. I have been slightly disappointed with somethings. I don't know how to deal with them. 

After we got engaged, we didn't celebrate at all with friends or family. I really wanted to but I was told that it is bad ettiquete to throw your own celebration. It came and went and nothing happened. I was disappointed,but I understand that some people might not be ware of such things. I also heard from my sister that my friend from in town is not planning to throw a shower for me. She says since I have one out of town there isn't a need for one here. I would really like a time to celebrate with my friends in town, especially since we haven't yet. Everyone around here assumes she is taking control of it, and I don't want to ask someone to do it. I want someone to do because they WANT to not because they HAVE to. 

I really want to have a time with my friends to celebrate typical bridal stuff. What should I do? Suck it up or talk to someone about it. 

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_am-expecting-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f110101d-2799-4bd2-b9f2-17acbb8383e8Post:276d23e7-2eab-4a6e-af28-004d052caae7">Am I expecting more than I should?</a>:
[QUOTE]Most of my bridesmaids are out of town. I have one who is in the same city with me. I consider her a great friend. I have been slightly disappointed with somethings. I don't know how to deal with them.  After we got engaged, we didn't celebrate at all with friends or family. I really wanted to but I was told that it is bad ettiquete to throw your own celebration. It came and went and nothing happened. I was disappointed,but I understand that some people might not be ware of such things. I also heard from my sister that my friend from in town is not planning to throw a shower for me. She says since I have one out of town there isn't a need for one here. I would really like a time to celebrate with my friends in town, especially since we haven't yet. Everyone around here assumes she is taking control of it, and I don't want to ask someone to do it. I want someone to do because they WANT to not because they HAVE to.  I really want to have a time with my friends to celebrate typical bridal stuff. What should I do? Suck it up or talk to someone about it. 
Posted by jessicagunning[/QUOTE]

Yes, I think you're expecting too much.  E-parties, showers, b-parties are not required to get married.  They're nice, but they're a gift that is given to you, rather than a "must have".  People have a variety of reasons for not throwing these parties:  money, time, and some people just aren't into wedding stuff.

However, this part of your post jumped out at me. <em> I really want to have a time with my friends to celebrate typical bridal stuff. What should I do? Suck it up or talk to someone about it. </em>

Why do you have to have a shower to get together with your friends?  How about having a girls' night?  NOT a shower, no gift giving, no expectations.  Just a fun night out with your friends?  Because that would accomplish what you say you want.

emarston1

Yes, you are expecting way too much.  A bridesmaid has two duties, show up the day of the wedding and wear the selected dress.  Anything on top of that, is a bonus.  They do not need to throw you parties, go on every bridal errand with you, etc. (Not saying you expect this but many brides do.)

Do yourself a favor and scale back your expectations.  You are only setting yourself up for more drama by having high expectations and then people not fulfilling them.

duckie1905

You are expecting too much.  Her job as a BM is to buy the dress and show up the day of the wedding smiling and preferably sober.  That's it.  That is all she is required to do as part of the honor of being your BM.  There is no rule that in-town BMs must take charge.  Not only is that unfair to expect but it is also ridiculous.  No one owes you any parties.

While showers, e-parties, and bach parties are nice, they are gifts and you are not entitled to them.  Besides, she may feel overwhelmed with the prospect of having to pay and plan all of these things that you expect and so the easiest thing to do was not have them.

She also isn't the only person that can plan these things for you.  But, if no one offers then you just don't have them.  You'll be just as married at the end of your wedding day.

Lastly, I'm not sure why you need these parties, thrown in your honor and on someone else's dime, to visit with your friends.  If you want to see them then throw a non-wedding related party.  The celebration comes on your wedding day and I'm sure your friends would much rather appreciate seeing you because you want to see them and not because you expect to celebrate your engagement and wedding with them.  They all know you are engaged and I'm sure they are happy for you.  An engagement party doesn't change that.

bowlerchick1705

I don't know this is a tough one for me to answer see my bff is my MOH and we would do everything almost like we were sisters and shes doing a bridal shower with my mom where i live and me and my fiance are doing like whats called a jack and jill party for where hes from... so that at least we are having a party for both areas... i don't know yeah you could go out with your friends at any point in time but i kinda of understand where you are coming from i would at least want something in my area just because there are some people who cant travel to go to the wedding but at least they will be apart of it in someway........

bablingbrooke

I didn't have an e-party and I assure you that my wedding experience and marriage have not suffered for it.

Having said that, I'm sure it's disappointing.  But you need to stop treating these things as entitlements.  A shower is a gift.  A b-party is a gift.  Most WP will throw them for you.  If they aren't, it's probably because 1) they aren't into throwing parties anyway and therefore it shouldn't come as a surprise, or 2) they weren't good friends to begin with.  

Even if you *could* have "the talk" about this, can you imagine how that would go?  "MOH, you haven't mentioned throwing me any parties yet and that is simply unacceptable.  You knew the responsibilities when you put on the uniform, and now you've got to step up your game."  No matter how "nicely" or "tactfully" you try to say it, that is how it will come across.

Also, keep in mind you've got six months until your wedding.  Most parties like this don't start to come together until you're at less than three months.  It's way too early to even think about this.  

And consider your different perceptions.  From your POV, you have only six months until you get married.  But from their POV, you've got six whole months until the wedding, so it's not on their radar yet the way it is on yours.

junelley

I think you probably shouldn't expect people to throw you showers, etc. especially when your BMs are OOT.  I agree with pps that while the parties are nice, they are bonuses.  All of my MOH and BMs are OOT (far far away) so I wouldn't expect them to spend airfares and all that just for parties (they are already spending that for my wedding!).  I didn't have an e-party, and I don't think I am having any showers or bachelorette parties.  Besides, you said you already are having a shower OOT, that's really nice already!

I understand your disappointment, but remember they are only optional/bonus supplements to the real big day.

christineh2011

I was the maid of honor reciently for my best friend. She had the same expectations that you do about parties and excitment level . well after i got engaged I realized that no one will be as excited for your wedding as you are!!

I was pulled and stretched beyond my time limits by her demands and it eventually caused arguments between us.

Let her know how you feel and I think if you want a party  throw yourselves a party!! tell your friend you need help planning but do not make her financially responsible unless she wants to be.

Just remember you are getting married these should be the least of your worries!!

jeannigirl

No do not throw yourself any kind of parties. I would do what the other girls suggested and just have a girls night out and enjoy each others company. Theirs just way to much emphasis on these wedding parties, alot of brides have way high expectations that they are owed this. Surprise your not! I don't want one I am just going to have a time with my girls and kick up our heels.

This is a gift and an honor to have anyone throw you this. It doesn't have to be your BP it could be your mom, aunt, cousin or whomever wants that and can afford that expense and time. Just focus on your wedding and the details in that and maybe someone will surprise you. If you made it known that you would really like something like this they may just suprise you just don't expect them because you will be disappointed.