Moms and Maids

4 moms.....how to get all involved??

Hi, my name is Rachel, I am new to the knot! I am just in the beginning stages of planning my wedding. One thing I am worried about is that I have 4 mothers to get involved in the wedding. I have my mom, my mom's wife (yes, that is not a typo), my dad's wife, and my fiance's mom. Obviously I want my mom to be the most involved, but I don't want anyone else to feel left out! What are some ways to get them involved (but not TOO involved) with some of the wedding planning??

Also, my dad's wife and him got married only about 3 years ago, and so she has been offering that I can use her veil and her slip and her headband, etc. and suggesting I use their DJ and officiant and everything. And while I may use some of the vendors they used, I don't really want her veil or headband...how do I tell her no without hurting her feelings??

Re: 4 moms.....how to get all involved??

  • Catwoman708Catwoman708 member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011

    It's really sweet that you like the idea of including them, but too many cooks spoil the broth, and could easily turn your wedding planning into a nightmare that makes you want to elope.

    When you ask for their input or opinion, they start to become personally invested in the final decision.  You are likely to get four conflicting opinions, meaning 3 of them will end up being a little hurt you didn't go with their opinion.  This could be on anything from the venue, the size of the guest list, your bridesmaid dresses, the flowers, the cake, how the invitations are worded, or what order toasts are done in. 

    Get their opinions on when and where you should all meet for lunch to discuss the wedding, and see what happens.  If it doesn't go well, then you will know in advance not to involve them too much.  If it goes well, then you might ASK them if they'd even like to be involved, and in what areas they have the most experience or interest.  Such as flowers and decorations, food and cake, scouting venues, shoppig for attire, etiquette/protocol and invitations, etc.... 

    If they want to be involved, ask them to research that one area, and brainstorm with you.  Just make it clear from the start that you get the final say (assuming you are paying).

  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Your mom is personally involved.  Whatever you want your mom involved in is what you ask her to be involved in.  But you don't need to, nor are you expected to, include her wife or your step-mom. 

    As for your FMIL, I was MOG 4 years ago.  I was involved as my dear DIL wanted me to be.  I didn't go, nor did I expect to go, dress shopping with her.  I didn't go venue shopping with son and DIL.  I went to a follow-up after they had booked.

    I planned and held the RD in consultation with what they wanted.  So I guess I'm saying that it's nice to include your FMIL in some things, but don't feel obligated to include her in EVERYTHING.

    Your step-mom:  thank her for the offer, and say sweetly that you'll keep it all in mind.  When she pushes a specific vendor, say "We'll certainly consider that."  Then consider it, throw it out if you want, and get your own vendor.

    It's very nice of you to consider the feelings of all these moms.  But listen to catwoman.  Too much "input" and you're going to be overwhelmed and have trouble making decisions.

    GL
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • edited December 2011
    Thanks for the advice!!
  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    My advice for moms/stepmoms who are liable to take everything over: "Assign" them a few wedding-related tasks that you're okay with them completely taking over so they focus on that and are much less likely to bother you with other things.  Listen politely when they tell you all about it.  Worked like a charm with my MIL.

    Regarding the veil and headband, tell her you appreciate the offer and that you're very touched that she's offering it to you.  Then politely say that you've decided to use something else but that you'd like to do X to honor her at the wedding (X = use the same flowers she did, or the play their song at the reception, you get the idea) so that you've done the hug-release-hug thing.  

    Ask your FMsIL if there's anything they'd like to be involved in.  I'd keep them in the loop with planning but they don't have to be totally involved  They won't expect to go dress shopping, but I bet taking them to see the venues would be nice.  You don't have to run every detail by them, but saying, "We were thinking of serving this menu, what do you think?" will make them feel included.  

    Would this work?
    Courtesy of megk8oz
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  • edited December 2011
    Ya that should definitely work, I think that would definitely make them feel like they're included without really getting them too involved or having them start to take over!
  • edited December 2011
    I love following Trix...I can just say listen to what Trix said.  She's always right!
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
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