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Just let it go?

PLRocky318PLRocky318 member
First Comment
in Moms and Maids
Hi, I've never written anything on this chat board, but i see all the great advice people get and was wondering if i could get some help. My FMIL has decided to throw me a shower. (I am appreciative) But my fiance and i were just planning on having a Jack & Jill (for those who dont know what that is, its basically like a party with raffle prizes which you hopefully make money off of) and not doing anything else.  My six bridesmaids  have all volunteered to make baskets for the raffle prizes, which is more than enough and not only that i heard from my maid of honor that all of them wanted to throw me a bridal shower seperate from my FMILs. I am so greatful that i have great friends, but my FMIL calls me checking up asking what my bridesmaids have done and if there planning to attend her shower, why my bridesmaids havent called her back.
I dont want to be the middle person going around to my bridesmaid asking why they havent done something. I know they have seperate lives from me and some have way more going on in their life than me and i respect that.  i told my FMIL that I wasnt going to press the issue with them and if they can make it the shower then great, if not...no big deal.  After this my FMIL told me that she was trying to keep her opinion to herself but she doesnt think anyone of them deserves to stand beside me if there not going to helpful. I am so confused on what to do. My FMIL became even more upset when she found out the bridal shower my sister is throwing me (for my side of the family) will be donations only to my favorite charity NO GIFTS. Now my FMIL has been asking for my side of the list so she can invite them to her Bridal shower so i can get a gift from them. I DONT want that!! And before i heard that i was going to specifically tell my bridesmaids no giving me gifts. I feel like we are all under the microscope!!!   Sorry didnt expect it to be this long.  I feel better getting this out ThanksSmile
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Re: Just let it go?

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    covejackcovejack
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_just-let?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f1421493-2aca-44ad-820f-e2222be256a2Post:57f2b108-e01d-40b1-8cd3-cfc8218ffeb5">Just let it go?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hi, I've never written anything on this chat board, but i see all the great advice people get and was wondering if i could get some help. My FMIL has decided to throw me a shower. (I am appreciative) But my fiance and i were just planning on having a Jack & Jill (for those who dont know what that is, its basically like a party with raffle prizes which you hopefully make money off of) and not doing anything else.  My six bridesmaids  have all volunteered to make baskets for the raffle prizes, which is more than enough and not only that i heard from my maid of honor that all of them wanted to throw me a bridal shower seperate from my FMILs. I am so greatful that i have great friends, but my FMIL calls me checking up asking what my bridesmaids have done and if there planning to attend her shower, why my bridesmaids havent called her back. I dont want to be the middle person going around to my bridesmaid asking why they havent done something. I know they have seperate lives from me and some have way more going on in their life than me and i respect that.  i told my FMIL that I wasnt going to press the issue with them and if they can make it the shower then great, if not...no big deal.  After this my FMIL told me that she was trying to keep her opinion to herself but she doesnt think anyone of them deserves to stand beside me if there not going to helpful. I am so confused on what to do. My FMIL became even more upset when she found out the bridal shower my sister is throwing me (for my side of the family) will be donations only to my favorite charity NO GIFTS. Now my FMIL has been asking for my side of the list so she can invite them to her Bridal shower so i can get a gift from them. I DONT want that!! And before i heard that i was going to specifically tell my bridesmaids no giving me gifts. I feel like we are all under the microscope!!!   Sorry didnt expect it to be this long.  I feel better getting this out Thanks
    Posted by PLRocky318[/QUOTE]

    Just as a heads up, the concept of a fundraiser as a wedding pre-party is controversial around here.  Many posters feel, as I do, that Jack and Jill showers are rude, 

    FMIL is in the wrong, your BM's are not obligated to show up to her shower.  It sounds as though there are a whole lot of pre-wedding parties being planned, maybe consolidate into one shower. 

    The idea of a donation-only shower may rub some guests the wrong way, as the purpose of the shower is to "shower" the bride with gifts.  Also, your shower guests might not want to be told how and where to donate their money.

    Just some points to consider, good luck with your planning.
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    PLRocky318PLRocky318 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    hmm good point on the Jack and Jill... i never actually heard of one until i moved into my fiance's state. I never thought of them as rude, and ive only been to one so it is a gray area for me. Maybe ill reconsider doing the J&J then. (Actually just got invited to a shower for a friend, and then a week later someone was selling me tickets to her J&J, I was thinking wow this is alot of money to be dishing out)  Thanks for the advice,  appreciate it!
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    mob2689mob2689
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I feel your FMIL shouldn't get upset, she is the one wanting to host it, not your BM's. Maybe get her a gift instead,  sugesstion would be "Emily Posts guide to hosting a shower"( If there is one) I think there is one on just weddings as well.

    She could very much like me, I haven't attended nor thrown a bridal shower or have went to a wedding in over 25 yrs. In all honesty, I am so lost. I have learned so much from just reading these posts and so wish I could redo things over but what is done is done but I have insight of what is and will be comming. Ediquette is like a college course, if you don't use it, you lose it,
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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Jackie is right.
    1. It's distasteful to hold a fundraiser for your wedding. You shouldn't ask your wedding guests (or in some cases tickets are sold to perfect strangers) to pay for your wedding. It's also wrong for you and your fi to be planning a shower (Jack and Jill, or otherwise) in your own honor. And look where I'm from-CT-please be sure that we don't all approve of those monstrosities.

    2. It's inappropriate to use your shower as a fundraiser for your favorite charity. I have a few charities that I like to support. What if some of your guests don't want to support your cause? If you don't want gifts, don't have a shower.

    3. I'm counting 4 or 5 fundraisers/showers that you have mentioned. And it sounds like there is going to be some overlap on the guests lists. You should not be inviting any one guest to more than one shower. The MOB, MOG, bms, sisters get courtesy invitations to all, but they are not obligated to attend any of those events.

    4. Tell your fmil to that your bms are your dearest friends/relatives and that you do not appreciate her bad mouthing them.

    Good luck.
                       
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    PLRocky318PLRocky318 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hmm yeah My Fiance's Dad was setting up the J&J for us, and I wasnt sure what peoples take was on it. Glad im reading these posts and forums. I dont want to insult anyone or make people attend function after function...after function.

    As far as the showers i agree i feel like theres way to many, and i told my bridesmaids no gifts, (thats why im assuming they went the donation route) Maybe the best thing to do is let my FMIL have the whole list of both families and just plan 1 shower...oh the stress...Thanks guys for the comments

    PS: Post: (Marie) im from CT too! almost by the new york border and when i moved to MA, i felt like J&J were like wild fire they were everywhere, that why i didnt think much of it when his family was planning one with us. dont want to come across to people as "hey you wanna come to the wedding oh well help us pay for it first!"
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    jagore08jagore08 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Where I'm from, a Jack and Jill shower is a shower where both the bride and the groom attend along with both male and female guests.  It's more of a cookout, relaxed atmosphere instead of the typical girly bridal shower.  

    I've never heard of a shower where people have raffles to give money to the bride and groom.
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    ootmother2ootmother2 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_just-let?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f1421493-2aca-44ad-820f-e2222be256a2Post:e28de92b-6886-4883-87f3-a35c5e409546">Re: Just let it go?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Where I'm from, a Jack and Jill shower is a shower where both the bride and the groom attend along with both male and female guests.  It's more of a cookout, relaxed atmosphere instead of the typical girly bridal shower.   I've never heard of a shower where people have raffles to give money to the bride and groom.
    Posted by jagore08[/QUOTE]

    This.

    A Jack & Jill shower is just the BMs & GMs giving a shower for their friends.  It;s just an ordinary shower but the guys are there.
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    mrsjustinm2bmrsjustinm2b
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    That's what I thought it was as well, the idea of needing a "fundraiser" for a wedding always has rubbed me the wrong way. J&J where I live is just a co-ed shower.
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    FutureJilliannDFutureJilliannD member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would let go of the fundraiser shower and the charity shower. The fundraiser because it is rude and the charity shower because what if someone doesn't care for your cause?

    I am only having one shower because I think it is way more convenient.
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    dragossoul84dragossoul84
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_just-let?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f1421493-2aca-44ad-820f-e2222be256a2Post:e28de92b-6886-4883-87f3-a35c5e409546">Re: Just let it go?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Where I'm from, a Jack and Jill shower is a shower where both the bride and the groom attend along with both male and female guests.  It's more of a cookout, relaxed atmosphere instead of the typical girly bridal shower.   I've never heard of a shower where people have raffles to give money to the bride and groom.
    Posted by jagore08[/QUOTE]

    Okay great I was getting confused becuase thats what I thought a Jack and Jill shower was as well
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    nikkir4nikkir4
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    I'm from the shoreline & here a J&J is usually just a shower that both sexes can go too & its usually a more relaxed atmosphere.

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    regfalangeregfalange
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I always thought a J&J  was just a shower where guys came too.  But a friend of mine recently told me she is doing the raffle thing and that is the "true" meaning of a J&J party. 

    I don't think it is rude to have raffles and "ask" the guests for money.  If you are having a shower, they are just going to spend that money on gifts, so if you have everything you need already but can't really afford a wedding, why the heck not have a J&J (raffle thingy)

    I also don't think it is rude to ask people to donate to a charity. Again, if they are just going to spend that money on gifts why not ask them to donate to a charity?  When people have funerals they say "In lieu of flowers please donate to blah blah blah cause" all the time.  You could have more than one charity, so they can choose.  Or just choose the ASPCA cause who doesn't want to help protect animals?
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    zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_just-let?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f1421493-2aca-44ad-820f-e2222be256a2Post:e28de92b-6886-4883-87f3-a35c5e409546">Re: Just let it go?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Where I'm from, a Jack and Jill shower is a shower where both the bride and the groom attend along with both male and female guests.  It's more of a cookout, relaxed atmosphere instead of the typical girly bridal shower.   I've never heard of a shower where people have raffles to give money to the bride and groom.
    Posted by jagore08[/QUOTE]

    I know in Canada a J&J is more where people will pay $10 to get in, which includes all their food and booze, and if there's any money left over, it goes to the bride and groom. I'm not sure about raffles or games.
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    PLRocky318PLRocky318 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    As for what we were planning on doing for our J&J...Was having free alcohol (such a couple of kegs), food,  a DJ and prizes. We were not charging any money for people to come. Its like a party . No money was probably going to be made off the prizes anyway because we  were putting so much money into it. I dont really care about the money aspect i just wanted to have a party with our friends/family.. after hearing everyones responses about the prizes maybe ill just do away with them,it seems that many people consider them rude. THanks for the input
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    trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Maire is very, very smart.  Listen to everything she said. Because she's completely right, IMO.

    I think the "charity donation" shower is even worse that the Jack and Jill, and I think that's quite awful.  I have several charitable organizations that are important to me, and which DH and I support.  Supporting YOUR favorite charity has nothing at all to do with a wedding, and is your job, not the job of your friends.

    I'm so glad to hear that you're leaning away from both of theose ideas.  And good luck to you as you move forward with your planning.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    covejackcovejack
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_just-let?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f1421493-2aca-44ad-820f-e2222be256a2Post:5f0675e4-ffa6-4274-8ac1-e9f5ac7da896">Re: Just let it go?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I always thought a J&J  was just a shower where guys came too.  But a friend of mine recently told me she is doing the raffle thing and that is the "true" meaning of a J&J party.  I don't think it is rude to have raffles and "ask" the guests for money.  If you are having a shower, they are just going to spend that money on gifts, so if you have everything you need already but can't really afford a wedding, why the heck not have a J&J (raffle thingy) I also don't think it is rude to ask people to donate to a charity. Again, if they are just going to spend that money on gifts why not ask them to donate to a charity?  When people have funerals they say "In lieu of flowers please donate to blah blah blah cause" all the time.  You could have more than one charity, so they can choose.  Or just choose the ASPCA cause who doesn't want to help protect animals?
    Posted by regfalange[/QUOTE]

    Again, some people don't like being told who to donate their money to.  Charities vary in the management structure, and the type of fundraising they do.  I would not donate to certain charities because I know the internal accounting about where the money goes. 

    Once more, I (and quite a few others) think it's rude to ask for money.  If someone "can't really afford to have a wedding", then they should plan for what they CAN afford.  They should not rely on their guests to fund their party.
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    MrsMack10612MrsMack10612 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_just-let?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f1421493-2aca-44ad-820f-e2222be256a2Post:5ee216bc-9666-4c44-9d14-18e7140e3fd7">Re: Just let it go?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Just let it go? : This. A Jack & Jill shower is just the BMs & GMs giving a shower for their friends.  It;s just an ordinary shower but the guys are there.
    Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]

    Here here.  I've been to/part of several weddings over the years and I never heard of this tradtion until last year when the friend of a friend did this.

    Personally I think it's really rude & tacky.

     

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    blush64blush64 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_just-let?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f1421493-2aca-44ad-820f-e2222be256a2Post:10ad181b-bd55-469b-b804-f7b03957a870">Re: Just let it go?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Just let it go? : I know in Canada a J&J is more where people will pay $10 to get in, which includes all their food and booze, and if there's any money left over, it goes to the bride and groom. I'm not sure about raffles or games.
    Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

    I am from Canada and although what you have mentioned can happen it isn't the only thing a Jack and Jill is here. (also called stag and doe and a lot of other things) 
     
    My cousin had one and the tickets were a lot more expensive but it did include drinks, food and prizes. (actually the prizes were really good and almost everyone got something) It was more like a big party that people have the option of attending but instead of byob there was the small entrance fee to cover food and alcohol.

    Some people do use them to raise money, I know a girl who asked her bridal party to pay for the entire thing and then used the money charged as the entrance fee for herself and her wedding. (That girl did a lot of horrible things!)

    But I would like to say it can be just a barbeque and a fun time that doesn't charge any money at all. That's what my sister did and it was so much fun.

    I think it has a lot to do with the person holding it.

    (Bachelor parties can also be very similar to this where the guys buy tickets to attend but again, not for everyone) My FI and I aren't doing any of those things.
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    dragonwagondragonwagon
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_just-let?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f1421493-2aca-44ad-820f-e2222be256a2Post:57f2b108-e01d-40b1-8cd3-cfc8218ffeb5">Just let it go?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hi, I've never written anything on this chat board, but i see all the great advice people get and was wondering if i could get some help. My FMIL has decided to throw me a shower. (I am appreciative) But my fiance and i were just planning on having a Jack & Jill (for those who dont know what that is, its basically like a party with raffle prizes <strong>which you hopefully make money off of</strong>) and not doing anything else.  My six bridesmaids  have all volunteered to make baskets for the raffle prizes, which is more than enough and not only that i heard from my maid of honor that all of them wanted to throw me a bridal shower seperate from my FMILs. I am so greatful that i have great friends, but my FMIL calls me checking up asking what my bridesmaids have done and if <strong>there</strong> planning to attend her shower, why my bridesmaids havent called her back. I dont want to be the middle person going around to my bridesmaid asking why they havent done something. I know they have seperate lives from me and some have way more going on in their life than me and i respect that.  i told my FMIL that I wasnt going to press the issue with them and if they can make it the shower then great, if not...no big deal.  After this my FMIL told me that she was trying to keep her opinion to herself but she doesnt think anyone of them deserves to stand beside me if there not going to helpful. I am so confused on what to do. My FMIL became even more upset when she found out the bridal shower my sister is throwing me (for my side of the family) <span style="font-weight:bold;">will be donations only to my favorite charity NO GIFTS</span>. Now my FMIL has been asking for my side of the list so she can invite them to her Bridal shower so i can get a gift from them. I DONT want that!! And before i heard that i was going to specifically tell my bridesmaids no giving me gifts. I feel like we are all under the microscope!!!   Sorry didnt expect it to be this long.  I feel better getting this out Thanks
    Posted by PLRocky318[/QUOTE]
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    courtney1188courtney1188 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would not do the Jack and Jill, and ask your bridesmaids to throw a shower together with your FMIL.
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    mandi921vhmandi921vh member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Paying a ticket to get into a pre-wedding party sounds extremely cash/money grabby. I would not do it. 
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    ADTonkADTonk
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Jack and Jills are rude.  The point isn't for the bride to raise money, it's for the guests to shower you with presents.

    You should be planning either anyway since you're not planning your own prewedding party (I hope).
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    phunluvin82phunluvin82 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It sounds like it would be easier to combine all these various party, shower, J&J whatevers into ONE simple, traditional shower.  Just give your FMIL everyone's contact info and let her run with it...just my opinion on what will be least stressful and complicated all around. 

    It's nice that all these different people want to throw pre-wedding parties for you...but juggling all that, to me, would be uneccessary and overwhelming.  You are bound to get caught up in the planning and communication aspect even if you are trying to stay out of it.

    I don't really see a problem with mentioning that a donation to this or that charity would be welcome in lieu of a gift.  But I do see people's point that 'donation only, NO GIFTS' could rub some guests the wrong way, depending on what the charity is.  J&J's as I always understood were just a regular shower, but the guys come also (like some PP said)...I never heard of the raffle or ticket aspect, but personally I think it sounds kinda tacky...personally, I'd skip it.
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