Moms and Maids

Doing a slow burn

My son is getting married at the end of April. Somewhere in mid-September, I asked (via e-mail, of the bride's Mom, who is running the show)  a few basic questions-- what time of day (morning, evening, etc.), formal or informal, what type of rehearsal dinner they were thinking about, and whether I could do anything to help.  The wedding is going to be about nine hours from where most of my family lives, so at the time, I was also trying to figure out logisitics-- how to get everyone there, for the cheapest price. What hotels we could use, etc.

 To my amazement, this got completely twisted around as me obsessing over this wedding. "We'll tell you in January everything you need to know. Meantime, try to chill." That isn't a direct quote, but that was the idea. So I have chilled. I haven't said another word or asked a single question since then. This has not worked out well either, because
here we are, five months later, two months before the wedding, and guess what? I still have not been told ANYthing. I don't know what kind of dress to look for, what kind of rehearsal dinner to plan, where my husband and I can stay. I gave up, long ago, on figuring out how the rest of the family can get there.

Any advice? Ideas? Am I crazy, or is this very very rude??

Re: Doing a slow burn

  • SJM7538SJM7538 member
    250 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited February 2013
    Yes this is rude. Have you tried asking your son the details? Or if you are close with your FDIL have you asked her? If the wedding is two months out then I have to assume you at least know where the venue is. Start using the Internet to research hotels in the area and look at pictures of the venue online. This will give you an idea of how formal of a dress to buy. If you're hosting the rehearsal dinner call the venue yourself and see if they have any reccomendations for places to have the rehearsal dinner. If they're not expecting you to host it then don't worry about it. If they're holding out on details it's thier problem not yours.
    Jen&Mike8
  • adriana222adriana222 member
    First Comment
    edited February 2013
    The "venue" is the bride's Mother's back yard. All I can figure out from that is that I probably shouldn't wear heels, or I'll be aerating their lawn for them. My son knows very little-- he is wearing a tux, he is sure about that, and he thinks that the church is reserved for early evening. It's very hard to figure out anything, with so few clues.
  • And no, I'm not particularly close to my FDIL. I like her, I hope she likes me, but she is exTREMEly close to her mother, so I think she may feel some loyalty issues. Not sure. I do know that she's very sensitive, to everything. It flipped her out completely when I asked those few questions in that one email back in September. I have no idea why.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_doing-a-slow-burn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f49e2ab9-8a6d-454c-b0cd-0f5b3c1968efPost:21064764-55ca-4041-80d8-9660d3403600">Re: Doing a slow burn</a>:
    [QUOTE]You've been cut out of the planning, so assume you are not doing anything connected with it other than attending. Wait until you get your invitaiton. Then you can make your travel plans. Don't pay for the rehearsal dinner. If they demand money, say NO.  Tell them, correctly, that you were cut from the planning despite offering, and will not foot the bill for what someone else chose to do if you weren't allowed input. Please don't cave to this bridezilla and her mom. You'll be doing it the rest of your life on holidays, visits with the grandkids, etc. Your son needs to grow a pair and stand up to his mother-in-law.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    Ah, the first smile on my face this morning. Some good ideas, and a good mindset. I will be a guest, at my only child's wedding. Sad, but just about the only way I can look at it by now.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_doing-a-slow-burn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f49e2ab9-8a6d-454c-b0cd-0f5b3c1968efPost:dbb96072-60d6-4775-bb66-7808a1eb3acd">Re: Doing a slow burn</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Doing a slow burn : Ah, the first smile on my face this morning. Some good ideas, and a good mindset. I will be a guest, at my only child's wedding. Sad, but just about the only way I can look at it by now.
    Posted by adriana222[/QUOTE]

    Honestly, it doesn't sound like your son has a huge roll either and he is the Groom.  I am guessing all  he has been told is  to put on a tux and show up on time and say "I Do" and his role is done.  He is the one getting married and has been given very little information as well.  It seems that this entire show is about the bride and her Mother.

    I am sorry you were left out of everything, but try to enjoy the wedding and enjoy the fact that your son is getting married.  Because in the end that is the most important part.  All the other stuff, the flowers, the colors, the fluff, is just extra and for show.

  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited February 2013
    I'm a recent MOB. IMO, you have been treated very rudely. We recognized that the wedding was as important to the groom's family, as it was to ours.The information that you have requested is very basic. I don't understand how anyone would consider it obsessive to ask about the formality and time of your son's wedding.

    Since your son is wearing a tux, I would assume the wedding is formal and choose a dress accordingly. You don't have to take any else's opinion on your dress into consideration.

    Do some research on line to find accommodations and air fare. Waiting until the last minute could be costly and might leave you with few options.

    I agree with Retread. You're off the hook for the RD. How can you plan anything when you haven't been given any information.


                       
  • Maire-- this line--"We recognized that the wedding was as important to the groom's family, as it was to ours" kept reverberating in my head, all afternoon. Yes, yes, yes. Thanks for doing that, at least for one lucky family.

    I think this tradition of the wedding being all the "business" of the bride's family has to, and actually is, for many people, changing. And that's a good thing. They're both, bride and groom, somebody's baby.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_doing-a-slow-burn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f49e2ab9-8a6d-454c-b0cd-0f5b3c1968efPost:ced2a6ee-1d8a-4add-9238-de9124fd0e73">Re: Doing a slow burn</a>:
    [QUOTE]Maire-- this line--"We recognized that the wedding was as important to the groom's family, as it was to ours" kept reverberating in my head, all afternoon. Yes, yes, yes. Thanks for doing that, at least for one lucky family. <strong>I think this tradition of the wedding being all the "business" of the bride's family has to, and actually is, for many people, changing.</strong> And that's a good thing. They're both, bride and groom, somebody's baby.
    Posted by adriana222[/QUOTE]

    Actually for almost everyone it is gone.  Most people today are getting married after establishing their careers and living on their own.  It is really the responsibility of the two people getting married to plan and pay for the wedding.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • I just wanted to say I'm sorry for the way your FDIL and her mom have treated you. 

    My MIL wasn't particularly involved in the planning of our wedding, but I certainly would not have hesitated to answer any question she had about it.  While my mom and I did make most of the plans together (H was certianly consulted but didn't care much about anything other than the food) I asked MIL's sign off on invitation wording/design, program wording/design, and we went shopping together for her dress (at her request).  I got the feeling afterward that she would have liked to be more involved, but hindsight's 20/20 I guess.  Try to enjoy your son's wedding regardless!
  • adriana222adriana222 member
    First Comment
    edited February 2013
    Thanks very much, everyone. I appreciate (and need) the support.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Good luck adriana. I hope your son is able to get some information for you. If not, go with the flow and enjoy the big day.
                       
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_doing-a-slow-burn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f49e2ab9-8a6d-454c-b0cd-0f5b3c1968efPost:2243b4da-8e17-4210-b3e1-29940c678b73">Re: Doing a slow burn</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Doing a slow burn : Actually for almost everyone it is gone.  Most people today are getting married after establishing their careers and living on their own.  It is really the responsibility of the two people getting married to plan and pay for the wedding.
    Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

    Yeah-- when his Dad and I got married, we paid for it ourselves, because we wanted to have it where it was convenient for most people to attend, and to do it "our way." That was so long ago I guess I'd forgotten it...
  • There is one perspective lacking from all of the wonderful advice given above, and it is that maybe the bride and her family didn't have anything planned yet 7 months prior to the wedding. Given that it is in a backyard, and even your son doesn't know much of what is going on, well, maybe, nothing much is going on. Maybe it is going to be a tiny quickie wedding with a backyard reception for a few people with home cooked food. Maybe your questions freaked them out, or they felt like you were going to stand in the way of the casual idea they had in their heads. Maybe they have no intention of having a rehearsal or rehearsal dinner.

    I also think it is slightly unfair that you jumped so far as to never ask another question or say a word about the wedding. You also jump to judging the bride and her mom for what you perceive as a slightly rude email. Maybe they weren't ready when you initially asked, but now you have just seemed uninterested since you never asked again? Also, I find it odd that everyone jumped on the bride and her mom, when in reality it seems like (as we like to say in these parts) you have a son problem, not a DIL problem.

    How does your son know nothing about his own wedding? Why isn't he responsible for keeping you in the loop? How is this girl a bridezilla other than the fact that she had nothing to tell you six months ago? There is no indication that she is anything negative at all, other than the fact they haven't been forthcoming.

    Also, how can you say you "gave up long ago" and getting information for your other guests, when presumably you only asked once in an email 6 months ago when they weren't ready with any information.

    With all due respect, you seem to be playing a bit of the martyr card. Nail down the details from your son, and if he really doesn't know anything, call the hosts (the bride's parents) and ask them now. It is past January, and you need to know. They should be ready to provide info. If for some reason they are cagey, then do what was suggested above. But please, report back, because I would really be shocked to hear that they literally won't tell you what time the wedding is. There is more to this story
    Dreaming of our Hawaiian honeymoon! Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_doing-a-slow-burn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f49e2ab9-8a6d-454c-b0cd-0f5b3c1968efPost:6f5283cb-30ee-4837-bd3a-f584942636e5">Re: Doing a slow burn</a>:
    [QUOTE]Nycrose, she asked back in September, and was told she'd find out in January, and not to ask anymore questions.  They shut her down.  Did you miss that part?
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">"We'll tell you in January everything you need to know. Meantime, try to chill." That isn't a direct quote, but that was the idea. So I have chilled.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">
    </span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">-Nope, caught it. And that's not what I gathered from her post. They basically thought she was overeager in September, and she was offended and decided to go to the extreme of never bringing it up again. She also said none of this is a direct quote, but really just the feeling that she got from the MOB's email. So, my point stands. Maybe they were rude, but I think she jumped to another extreme and is playing the martyr for whatever reason.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">
    </span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">This is the real world, she can call up these people and ask them the details now that January has come and gone. She doesn't need to take her ball and go home.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">
    </span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">Also, my main point is that her son is really the one she should be dealing with. We tell brides all the time that FIs need to deal with their parents, and we deal with ours. I think that should work vice versa as well, and really she should mainly be disappointed in her son for choosing not to include her. Neither the bride nor her mother can force a grown man not to talk to his mother, just like we say no mother can or should force a son to act a certain way. She has zero evidence that the bride or her mother have done anything to her other than telling her 6 months ago that they had nothing yet to tell. Everything else is pure inference, and I was surprised at how eager everyone was to blame the bride on something she may not even know has caused trouble. </span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">
    </span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">OP needs to talk to her son, and call the hosts</span></div>
    Dreaming of our Hawaiian honeymoon! Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Okay, I'm back. And Nycrose, I appreciate your input here,

    So here's the thing that caused me to shut down. After I wrote the one and only e-mail asking about the particulars (and including in that e-mail the very good possibility that plans had not been nailed down yet) my SON (who never saw my e-mal, or the one sent in reply) called me (hmmm... who told him to do this???)  and opened the conversation with this phrase "You have GOT to stop obsessing over this wedding! Call me over-sensitive, but yeah, that caused me to back off, big time. We've never had a conversation that was this confrontational before (okay, since he was mid-teens).  He was clearly seeing things from one side only. I stated my case, and that was it. So yeah, I felt burned.

    Second, I HAVE spoken with him since then, many times. Not beggng for info, just asking what does he know. Unfortunatley, he is being told very little. Fortunately, we've successfully dealt with that initial hurtful conversation.

    Three-- I do not consider him or his fiancee to be responsible for this "oversight." I do not belive either of them are making many decisions about this wedding. BUT--

    Nycrose, you write "She has zero evidence that the bride or her mother have done anything to her other than telling her 6 months ago that they had nothing yet to tell."

    --even if you remove the six month ago mishap, there is still the fact that here we are, less than 2 months to the wedding, and still no one has picked up the phone to tell me anything. I don't think that can be justified, in any way.

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