All right my situation is a little complicated (but aren't they all?). This isn't really a complaint or a rant but more of asking for help/advice. My FI's family has had issues with our relationship from the start. They didn't like the fact that we were living together and have - at times - decided that I wasn't a part of a decision (affecting both of us). So there was been conflict, but throughout the whole thing they have had good intentions. They never meant to be rude or disrespectful or hurtful. They didn't realize they were doing it. Now that doesn't make it any better or acceptable, but does make them not evil.
My FI and I are well aware that we cannot afford the wedding we would love to have without his parents help. But we don't want to ask them for anything, and we shouldn't. My parents have discussed funds regarding a wedding a little bit, but (and I know this may sound childish) but I don't want them to waste their money on something that all of us wouldn't absolutely love. So we have settled getting married in a courthouse, or something similar, nothing fancy and then maybe throwing a little party to celebrate with our friends later. Again, we can afford this on our own, without my parents help. I would like to say it isn't a matter of I am rejecting my parents, but my mom started considering cashing in her IRA and refinancing their house and I do not want them to do that for me. They have been way too kind and generous and that would just be horrible if they did that. I don't need a dream wedding; I just want to be married.
Back to the FI's family. My FI and his mother got into a HUGE fight last week, where both of them (and me, but I wasn't there) got really hurt over everything. She had basically told him he couldn't get married and if he did they would disown him. A few days later, they sat down and talked about the situation more and both agreed that they want to work on making their relationship much better. I would also like to say that my FMIL has said multiple times to him that she wants to get know me better.
However, I feel like they won't be pleased with us if we don't have a wedding. This comes from his dad saying that if we eloped or something like that, he may get written out of their will. We haven't given up hope that we will be able to get to have our dream wedding. I am keeping in mind what my parents have said they can do (without refinancing their house or cashing out their IRAs or anything drastic like that) and what we can hopefully save for, with the possibility of pushing back the wedding date as needed.
I want to keep his family involved, because I want to help repair the relationship between us and them as long as they are willing to work with us and not be disrespectful and rude. But neither of us know how to go about talking to his mom about possible wedding plans/ideas without hurting the relationship even more. But I also want them to know that even though we are looking at things, we may very likely not have a traditional-type ceremony/reception.
Basically, any thoughts of how to help repair this relationship and try to keep them involved in things? We are both hopeful that this time they realize how they have been acting and will try to be better.