Moms and Maids

Feeling Bummed About My Mom

My Mom doesn't live in the same town as me, she lives several hours away.  She doesn't put much interest into my wedding.  They don't have a lot of money and she is always telling me on the phone that she feels like a "loser" for not being able to contribute to the wedding.  My FI and I have told her numerous times that we don't care if she gives us any money, we just want her to be a part of it.  

Whenever I talk to my mom on the phone, it turns into a huge fight.  She constantly picks apart the things I tell her and honestly I can't even stand talking about the wedding to her.  

I don't really know what to do anymore.  My wedding isn't in our state and my mom keeps saying, "I don't know if I will have the money to go." We have been engaged for a year now and our wedding is this summer.  It makes me really sad that she hasn't even attempted to save any money to go to the wedding.  

Here is a little background information in case you need it.  My mom never comes to where I live, she expects me to drive the several hours to her house to visit her (she is the one who moved away).  When I do visit, she constantly has other people (her friends) over drinking and partying instead of spending time with me or my FI.  

If I didn't have such an awesome Dad (my parents are divorced) I don't know what I would do!

Re: Feeling Bummed About My Mom

  • Weddings often bring to the fore the contrast between the way things are and the way we wish they were.

    I'm finding that the wedding is a new thing I have to learn to communicate about with my mother. Just like I had to learn to talk to her about work and my fiance and other grown-up things. I have to practice talking to her about the wedding. I haven't gotten very good at it. She wishes I appeared more excited, I know. I just try to keep smiling and keep practicing.
  • It seems like your best bet might be to lower your expectations for your mom when it comes to the wedding. And if you can afford to do so, perhaps you could offer to pay for your mom's trip to the wedding?

    I can somewhat relate to your situation- my mother isn't very interested in the wedding either. But to be honest, she is overly critical and I find myself being less excited about things after talking to her about them, so I've found the best solution is just to avoid talking to her about wedding stuff.

    Sure, it would be ideal if all moms wanted to be involved and loved all of our ideas. But you can't change how they are, though you CAN change your expectations and how you react to them.
  • I try to not talk about the wedding, then I get, "You aren't involving me with anything!" or "You always ask Linda (my stepmom) for help, but then don't tell me anything!"

    My mom doesn't take interest in much of my life.  She never calls me, unless she is mad about something, then we end up fighting on the phone.  I ask Linda because she is here, wants to help, and doesn't make me feel like garbage when I talk to her.  

    I refuse to pay for her trip.  My mom is a grown woman.  If her and her husband didn't go out drinking every weekend and spend enormous amounts of money on everything else, I probably wouldn't feel that way.  The trip should cost them $1600 with air, travel expenses, and hotel and my thoughts are if they couldn't bother to put away $100 a month (they have had since last April 2011) to start saving, then it's not my problem if they can't go.  

    I agree that weddings can bring out the worst in people (I know I am grouchier and would like the planning to be over!), but my Mom's behavior is ridiculous.  I just needed to vent!
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