FMIL Drama

cfibelkorn

Hey girls....I need your advice?

My FMIL is great...except when it comes to wedding planning! She stresses over stuff thus making me and FI stress.

She has been freaking out about the budget (she offered to pay for the reception..we never asked) and about keeping the guest list at a certain number. But then she keeps adding people....what should I do?!

She complains about the bill and how we need to save as much as we can but then keeps adding people to the wedding!

Sorry for being a crybaby about it but I just don't know what to do

Tiffany618

When she agreed to pay for the reception, she may not have realized exactly what she was getting into.  I recommend sitting down with her and setting a budget that she finds reasonable.   If it is not enough to get you everything you want, then you and your FI can contribute as well possibly?

I know, for us, sitting down and hammering out a budget was the best thing we ever did.  Everything fell right into place afterward and we all knew what to expect and save for.

cfibelkorn

Oh whoops I did forget to mention we have a budget with her. She gave us an EXACT number and everything we planned equals exactly that amount....but for her to now add people would put us over the budget she said we had to stick to

Tiffany618

OHHHH I got it!! 

Well, my next question is.... do YOU & FI want the extra people there?  I realize she is paying and she totally gets a say, but you have to draw the line at some point since it is your wedding.  Are the extra's people that FI knows and/or were important in his life? 

If my Mom had her way, my whole hometown would be there.

cfibelkorn

No, I have never met the extra people and my FI doesn't even really know them.

Plus FI and I have maxed out our funds that we are contributing to the wedding...my FI's parents, my parents and FI and I split the tab three ways basically.....and BOY are we wiped clean now haha

I think Im almost looking for a way to nicely say..if you want them there then you pay for...or is that just COMPLETELY inappropriate

Other than the wedding I love FMIL and she adores me.....but geez she is being a momzilla

(thanks for your help so far tiffany!)

mistyleon

I am going through the same thing with my FMIL right now and it is driving me crazy!  She is such a sweet lady, so I just try to keep reminding myself that at least she is excited about the wedding and the fact that I am marrying her son.  We are having a lot of the same issues, though -- everything we think is important seems to be an item that she thinks is too expensive and that should be cut from the budget, but not when it comes to inviting all of her friends and having the things that she thinks are important, like a videographer.  

FI and I are paying for everything and are both in our 30s, so it is hard for me to feel like I have to negotiate all of our decisions with his mom.  I think she is just super excited and that is why she is obsessing over things that I am not ready to focus on yet and sometimes seems overeager to express her opinions.  In my case, FI had a talk with her about backing off a little bit and so far so good.  I don't know if that helped at all, but at least know that you are not the only one going through this!

I don't usually post on here because we are getting married in Austin, but I lurk around this board quite a bit because I live in Dallas and am hoping to use local vendors for some things.  Since I am posting, I just wanted to say that the women who post on this board are really nice and supportive of each other, which is such a nice change of pace compared to the non-local Knot boards.  Part of me wishes that we were getting married in Dallas so that I would have more to chat with you guys about!

awilkins78

I have similar issues with MY mom.  Not necessarily over extra people (though I'm sure that will come up when it's time for the invites to go out) but over extra "stuff" she keeps saying we should have that I didn't budget for.  My dad is usually pretty helpful in stepping in.  He keeps saying the money is a gift for us to spend how we want (not that I don't want my mom's input at all or anything).

All that to say, is your FI's dad in the picture?  I feel like men are more reasonable about stuff like this so maybe he could help be a voice of reason.  Or maybe that's just my experience.

cherrrylll

I would just have a budget talk with her. Explain to her that these extra people put you over budget and she can either cut them or pay extra for them (since you don't even know them). We had to explain that to H's mom, since she kept adding to her guest list. Neither myself, nor my parents were going to foot the bill for random people to be at our wedding. If she really find their presence necessary, she'll just have to suck it up and cover their costs.

cfibelkorn

FI's dad is in the picture but he is a total push over...haha which I am not used to either

Thanks for the words of encouragement Misty!! Good Luck on your wedding and stop by to say hi every once and a while

Tiffany618

You just kinda have to draw the line and enforce it. 

Thankfully, my problem was MY Mom and not DH's.  She wanted to invite all her friends and neighbors that I scarcely knew, if at all.  I compromised by letting her invite her "best friends" (for lack of a better word) and cutting everyone who I didn't know.  She was happy with that.

cfibelkorn

I guess it would be best at this point for FI to draw the line...that way I don't step on toes before Im even married to him haha

fallbride1109

"While I understand you want to have Peter, Paul and Mary come to the wedding, please understand that this adds to the cost and you will have to pay the extra $___ to have them attend, as we have already reached the full amount we have budgeted for guests." 

Or something to that effect.

ETA:  And yes, your FI needs to be the one to tell her.

cfibelkorn

Thanks Stephie!

I will be the first to admit I have never been one to know how to say things without sounding kind of off putting...so usually he does the talking to his mom, she is kind of delicate when breaking "mean" news. 

I wish it was my mom b/c then I could just tell her what I thought...my mom is luckily sane through this whole process  

serlace

You might also mention how much it is 'per person' - and don't just include the food.  Ex: If we add 5 more people we'll have to pay for five more in the catering head count, add another table, so that's another centerpiece, add five more favors, so that's $x - etc.  If she sees the true 'big picture' of it all and not just saying $25 more for catering, then maybe she'll realize it's not possible to add more people without completely blowing the budget.