living in sin

[Deleted User]

What are your thoughts about letting our Catholic priest know we live together prior to marriage? I'm trying to ask family members who know him better, but no one seems to know. I heard some priests wont marry you because you live in sin, but others are less traditional. On top of that, do we need to send him a save the date/invitation? Our return address is the same, so the cat may be out of the bag prior to our marriage classes with him.

Avion22

I would NOT recommend you lie to your priest.   If he asks if you're living together, then you should answer truthfully.   As to whether or not you should VOLUNTEER the information...well....I guess that's up to you.  Personally, I would imagine that if your priest wants to know if you're living together, he'll ask you.   If he doesn't care, or doesn't need to know, he won't.  

FWIW, I don't think a return address is a big deal.  Our invitations have both of our names and my parents address for the return address (and neither of us live there, nor do we really live together).   If your return address now is going to be your return address when you're married, then go for it.  I don't think your priest will care -- and again, if he DOES care, he'll ask.   

But yeah, I wouldn't lie about it.   

RamonaFlowers

Don't lie to your priest. Seriously. That's "Being A Good Catholic 101" right there.

jemmini6

I've seen several people on here that the priest wouldn't marry them unless one of them moved out until the wedding, so that's a possibility that he'll ask you to do that.

But yeah, don't volunteer the information, but don't lie about it if asked either.  If your priest would go as far as to not marry you at all, or make you move out, then I'd probably want to find a new priest anyways.

[Deleted User]

Oh I cant lie to him..I'd feel like I'd go up in flames right in front of him

Riss91

If the topic comes up, he may ask that you live "as brother and sister" until the wedding - which means separate beds, abstaining or he may simpy explain the doctrine to you and ask you to pray on it. Some priests, however may feel uncomfortable marrying you at all. This is typically very rare, though.

OliveOilsMom

Also, you priest will find out right away that you live together, unless you lie to hime - which I do not recommend!  When FI and I met with the priest, the first thing he did was ask for our full name, address, phone number, etc.  So you would both have the same address.  It will be known right away and he can let you know what his thoughts are regarding the situation. 

And Riss is very wise!  I recommend heading over to the Catholic Board if you have any further questions!  It's listed under Cultural Boards.

lopezalonso

Don't lie but also don't bring it up unless asked. I know some priests will not marry couples unless they move apart until the wedding. And yes, it is common courtesy to send an invitation to the priest. Most of the time they do no attend the reception but it is nice to invite them. No need to send a StD

Simply Fated

Please don't lie to your priest. If he finds out and refuses to marry you, then he wasnt the right priest for you. But it's better to find out sooner than later and have less time to find a new priest.

becky659

Our preacher doesn't know that we're living together and neither does our congregation.  I would answer truthfully if he asked, but I'm not going to volunteer the information. That might be bad, but living together is a matter between us and God. If God knows my heart, which I know He does if He truly is who I've been taught He is, then He knows exactly how I feel about my FI and He also knows our story and why we moved in together before a preacher and a piece of paper said we were married. So I don't feel the need to justify myself to the preacher, but I will do whatever he asks us to do in order for him to feel comfortable marrying us.

MyNameIsNot

A lie of ommision is still a lie.  Pretending that keeping it from him by nt bringing it up is not a lie is absurd.  You don't lie to clergy.  

If this priest won't marry you because you live together, you'll have to find another priest that will.  

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_living-sin?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:0102ceeb-c40c-4968-8224-44450815058bPost:98fd7e4e-fe4b-43bb-9bcc-04972f6dbbbe">Re: living in sin</a>:
[QUOTE]Our preacher doesn't know that we're living together and neither does our congregation.  I would answer truthfully if he asked, but I'm not going to volunteer the information. That might be bad, but living together is a matter between us and God. If God knows my heart, which I know He does if He truly is who I've been taught He is, then He knows exactly how I feel about my FI and He also knows our story and why we moved in together before a preacher and a piece of paper said we were married. So I don't feel the need to justify myself to the preacher, but I will do whatever he asks us to do in order for him to feel comfortable marrying us.
Posted by becky659[/QUOTE]

I don't get this. Either be honest and/or find a church that is ok with it. Do you really, want to belong to a church/get married in a church, that judges you? I assume that is the only reason you are hiding it. And by failing to share this info, you are lying. I don't understand why you wouldn't find a church that matches your beliefs.

becky659

I've found that you don't have to understand sombody's decisions in order to respect them.
I was simply stating what I was doing in the same situation.
If my FI had been born into a less conservative church, it would be different. When we move in a month, the church that we find in our new town will be much more liberal.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_living-sin?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:0102ceeb-c40c-4968-8224-44450815058bPost:8b46eeb4-b757-4ba2-8932-fa4bdfb2a98a">Re: living in sin</a>:
[QUOTE]I've found that you don't have to understand sombody's decisions in order to respect them. I was simply stating what I was doing in the same situation. If my FI had been born into a less conservative church, it would be different. When we move in a month, the church that we find in our new town will be much more liberal.
Posted by becky659[/QUOTE]

<div>You were saying that your lie of ommission is not really a lie.</div><div>
</div><div>You can decide whatever you want, but to encourage OP to lie to her priest is simply bad advice.    </div>

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_living-sin?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:0102ceeb-c40c-4968-8224-44450815058bPost:8b46eeb4-b757-4ba2-8932-fa4bdfb2a98a">Re: living in sin</a>:
[QUOTE]I've found that you don't have to understand sombody's decisions in order to respect them. I was simply stating what I was doing in the same situation. If my FI had been born into a less conservative church, it would be different. When we move in a month, <strong>the church that we find in our new town will be much more liberal.</strong>
Posted by becky659[/QUOTE]

Why not get married at your new church?

Is it because of your parents? Do your parents know you live together?

ETA:I only ask because you previously said "and neither does our congregation" so I assume your parents don't know and/or you (and your parents) are keeping it a secret from as many people as possible.

MobKaz

I am going to guess that you have not initiated any contact with the parish yet.  You typically begin with the parish secretary, who, at the very least, would ask for the addresses and phone numbers of both you and your fiance.

Once you select a date with the parish, it will be established in their "books".  A Save-the-Date will not be necessary.  It is customary to invite Father to the reception.   In my experience, unless the priest is close to the family, he will typically decline the invitation.  Some may attend briefly to offer the Bessing, and then leave.  Particularly if your reception is on a Saturday evening, he may have to say Mass back at the parish.

Every parish, and every priest within that parish, is very different.  When my daughter and her (then) fiance first met with our priest, the appointment began with the typical paper work.  My daughter offered her information first, stating her address, including "Unit A".   Father then directed his attention to her FI, who sheepishly offered his information....which happened to be identical to my daughter.  After stating the main address, Father interrupted him immediately and inquired, "That would be Unit B, no?"  Her fiance responded, "Do you need it to be Unit B?"  Father simply laughed.  That was the end of it.

Begin your church plans with an open and honest mind.  You may find you have nothing to worry about.  But you should also be prepared to make adjustments if it is asked.  Only then can you decide what is more important.

scrpio421

We are doing the classes through our church. We live together, they don't like this idea, and have told us that it's a higher risk of divorce when you live together first....really? I disagree. Anyways, they know this is not changing, so they have moved on.
Don't lie to them and send a STD.

NOLAbridealmost

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_living-sin?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:0102ceeb-c40c-4968-8224-44450815058bPost:092c0439-7eea-4d80-91e8-a3b451d33205">Re: living in sin</a>:
[QUOTE]We are doing the classes through our church. <strong>We live together, they don't like this idea, and have told us that it's a higher risk of divorce when you live together first....really? I disagree. </strong>Anyways, they know this is not changing, so they have moved on. Don't lie to them and send a STD.
Posted by scrpio421[/QUOTE]

<div>I too am skeptical of this argument; and it's also a logical fallacy (post hoc, ergo proptor hoc) to assume that the act of living together <em>causes</em> the subsequent divorce.  There could be any number of intervening factors....just for a few examples, people who move in because they can't afford separate apartments might just have more financial troubles leading to stress in the marriage than those who could afford to keep two apartments, people who refuse to live together might also belong to religions that are far less tolerant of divorce and therefore less likely to get a divorce in general whether or not they lived together first.</div><div>
</div><div>I have yet to see ANYTHING in any study that said there are actual negative effects on the marriage from the actual act of <em>living together</em> and not some other factor.</div>

KParris21

I live in sin with my boyfriend and I am sure this will be a problem when we start meeting with either my priest, or his pastor. Neither will be happy I'm sure of my pridcament. I will do as most posts here say and not willingly give the information, but if asked I will not lie, as is usual. I think this rule needs to be less judged in the matter of living in sin. I think a lot of couples have to do it, especially in this economy. I hate the words, but I myself use them to describe my situation. What's a girl to do?

micls

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_living-sin?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:0102ceeb-c40c-4968-8224-44450815058bPost:3b0bc585-f0af-4329-aa23-1e4469c11b97">Re: living in sin</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: living in sin : I too am skeptical of this argument; and it's also a logical fallacy (post hoc, ergo proptor hoc) to assume that the act of living together causes the subsequent divorce.  There could be any number of intervening factors....just for a few examples, people who move in because they can't afford separate apartments might just have more financial troubles leading to stress in the marriage than those who could afford to keep two apartments, people who refuse to live together might also belong to religions that are far less tolerant of divorce and therefore less likely to get a divorce in general whether or not they lived together first. I have yet to see ANYTHING in any study that said there are actual negative effects on the marriage from the actual act of  living together  and not some other factor.
Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]

Spot on. It's also more likely that a couple that don't live together in advance are more strictly religious which in a lot of cases means no divorce.

Lack of divorce does not automatically equal a happy marriage

Hilraythebride

I have never heard of people having to move out before getting married or anything like that.  The catholic church has modernized, our priest knows we live together and it is not a problem!! DO NOT LIE!!!!  You do not need to send him a save the date or anything like that!