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Customs and Traditions

My parents think weddings are stupid??? Advice?

Hi, I'm new to The Knot so I'm sorry if I sound like a total dork here, but I'm kind of at a loss. My boyfriend and I have seriously been talking about marriage and stuff for quite a while now, but this post really isn't about that. My parents and I have never really been 'close'. Not that we are distant from each other, but we don't trade secrets and they have never been my shoulder to cry on. They are very suck it up kind of people and often when something is wrong, it is my fault. Not joking here. Anyways, I've always over looked this, but whenever I bring up the topic of a wedding my parents SCOFF at the idea and say that we should just go to the court house (Like they, my brother, and sister all did) and not 'blow' the money for a one day thing. And I could see how they view it that way, but since I was a little girl, like most of you here, I've DREAMED of my wedding. Even now, I can't even go on pintrest without looking at wedding things. So the problem? I really want my parents to be a part of this without treating it like some stupid affair. I know because they don't agree with it, they will not finacially support the wedding at all and if they did, they would want to control EXACTLY how the money was spent, so I'd rather just pay for it on my own. The reason I know is because when my sister got married the first time they did that to her. Anyways, I guess I'm just looking for advice here from women with experience. I am kind of young (21), but this is a very real problem to me. I know I won't be judged here, so I wanted to ask you lovely ladies this question for advice. A little background: I have VERY low self value when it comes to my parents. I'm a first generation college student and I've tried VERY hard to make my parents proud, but they always make it a point to say what I do is never good enough or  it's stupid. They've never really encouraged anything I do, unless it's what they want. Has anyone else faced this problem? I could just say screw off and I usually do because I get tired of constantly feeling terrible about myself, but they're my parents and I really want them to be there when I pick out my dress and stuff. I really want them to support me and not mock my choices the whole way. So what do you guys think? Thanks girls! 

Re: My parents think weddings are stupid??? Advice?

  • Avion22Avion22 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its
    I think you should have the wedding that you and your fiance want (and can afford), and your parents should suck it up.

    This might take a heart-to-heart with Mom and Dad.  Say something like, "Mom and Dad, Joey and I are going to plan a traditional wedding and reception.  We can afford to do this, and it means a lot to us to have a celebration with all of our friends and family instead of going to the courthouse.  We've saved up the money, and we are going to do have the wedding our way.   I know you think big weddings are wasteful, but I disagree -- Joey and I can't think of anything that would mean more to us than a big celebration of our marriage with everyone we love.   I hope you'll respect our decision."
    DSC_9275
  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/weddings/carolyn-hax-when-weddings-and-money-mean-trouble/2012/01/05/gIQALJXglP_story.html

    Hopefully, the article above will give you some perspective on weddings and money.

    When I read your headline, I thought I would see a post in which you'd tell us your parents are against marriage.  It doesn't seem that they are.  It seems that they are against big blow-outs and spending money on lavish celebrations.  I don't blame them.

    You and your FI should plan and host a wedding celebration you can afford.  A wedding at a courthouse may, indeed, be the way to go.  Give it some thought.

    Congratulations on your engagement!
  • faifre6faifre6 member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_my-parents-think-weddings-are-stupid-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:05d30bda-b955-4856-9967-133677e79c0ePost:07de7350-1353-4477-8ac6-13af2ad4af14">Re: My parents think weddings are stupid??? Advice?</a>:
    [QUOTE]<a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/weddings/carolyn-hax-when-weddings-and-money-mean-trouble/2012/01/05/gIQALJXglP_story.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/weddings/carolyn-hax-when-weddings-and-money-mean-trouble/2012/01/05/gIQALJXglP_story.html</a> Hopefully, the article above will give you some perspective on weddings and money. When I read your headline, I thought I would see a post in which you'd tell us your parents are against marriage.  It doesn't seem that they are.  It seems that they are against big blow-outs and spending money on lavish celebrations.  I don't blame them. You and your FI should plan and host a wedding celebration you can afford.  A wedding at a courthouse may, indeed, be the way to go.  Give it some thought. Congratulations on your engagement!
    Posted by Lisa50[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I'm sorry! I didn't explain well! We do not believe in divorce. To us marriage REALLY and TRUELY means forever, til death, unless there is abuse which isn't going to happen. So my view is since this is going to be my one and only wedding, then why shouldn't we make it a celebration? I'm not talking about spending tons of money. At the VERY VERY VERRRYYYYY most our very top budget would be 10K. That's for everything. Running down to the courthouse and signing a peice of paper just seems pointless. Why even bother when I can just live with him for two years and be considered common law. Not that I have anything against people who can't afford weddings and only have that option and I can understand people who opt to do the courthouse route on their second go around. I'm not bashing on courthouse marriages, but that's not an option for me. At all. To me, a marriage is something to be celebrated and cherished by all those you hold dear. My question really wasn't so much if I should have a wedding or not, it's more of how I should handle the situation with my parents. I want my dad to be HAPPY he's walking me down the isle and my mom to enjoy helping me plan. So my real question I guess was, has anyone dealt with this situation before? And what did you say to your parents to change their view. I mean, I have two friends that I consider my mom and dad, who I completely rely on, but since both of my parents are still alive and somewhat part of my life, I really want them to have the proper roles in my wedding. I guess its a silly question. At the very least, I wanted to know that I wasn't utter alone in this situation. 

    </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_my-parents-think-weddings-are-stupid-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:05d30bda-b955-4856-9967-133677e79c0ePost:d146e828-daa6-493a-853f-bb6b20dad0a8">Re: My parents think weddings are stupid??? Advice?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: My parents think weddings are stupid??? Advice? : I'm sorry! I didn't explain well! We do not believe in divorce. To us marriage REALLY and TRUELY means forever, til death, unless there is abuse which isn't going to happen. So my view is since this is going to be my one and only wedding, then why shouldn't we make it a celebration? I'm not talking about spending tons of money. At the VERY VERY VERRRYYYYY most our very top budget would be 10K. That's for everything. Running down to the courthouse and signing a peice of paper just seems pointless. Why even bother when I can just live with him for two years and be considered common law. Not that I have anything against people who can't afford weddings and only have that option and I can understand people who opt to do the courthouse route on their second go around. I'm not bashing on courthouse marriages, but that's not an option for me. At all. To me, a marriage is something to be celebrated and cherished by all those you hold dear. My question really wasn't so much if I should have a wedding or not, it's more of how I should handle the situation with my parents. I want my dad to be HAPPY he's walking me down the isle and my mom to enjoy helping me plan. So my real question I guess was, has anyone dealt with this situation before? And what did you say to your parents to change their view. I mean, I have two friends that I consider my mom and dad, who I completely rely on, but since both of my parents are still alive and somewhat part of my life, I really want them to have the proper roles in my wedding. I guess its a silly question. At the very least, I wanted to know that I wasn't utter alone in this situation. 
    Posted by faifre6[/QUOTE]

    I wouldn't be so sure about CL marriage in OK.  A quick search shows that CL marriages after 1998 have trouble being recognized so if you were to go this route, you need to consult with an attorney.

    As for your parent's attitude, I wouldn't count on changing it.  I would plan on paying for your own wedding and not discussing planning with them. 
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_my-parents-think-weddings-are-stupid-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:05d30bda-b955-4856-9967-133677e79c0ePost:1c9cc757-b8d9-43aa-b589-775097f64a9e">Re: My parents think weddings are stupid??? Advice?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think you should have the wedding that you and your fiance want (and can afford), and your parents should suck it up. This might take a heart-to-heart with Mom and Dad.  Say something like, "Mom and Dad, Joey and I are going to plan a traditional wedding and reception.  We can afford to do this, and it means a lot to us to have a celebration with all of our friends and family instead of going to the courthouse.  We've saved up the money, and we are going to do have the wedding our way.   I know you think big weddings are wasteful, but I disagree -- Joey and I can't think of anything that would mean more to us than a big celebration of our marriage with everyone we love.   I hope you'll respect our decision."
    Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Every bit of this. And don't expect them to change how they feel. I'm 28, my FI and I are planning a wedding completely within our means (paying ourselves, although family is chipping in when they want to), and my parents, and my grandmother, are still being weird about the money it's going to cost. I love my parents and my grandmother dearly, I thought they would all be really excited (I'm the oldest and the first of my siblings to get married), turned out, not so much. They are supportive of my relationship, but not really of a wedding. They think it's a waste of money. And that might be true, but it's our money to waste. They did realize that they want to be there, though, once I seriously considered Vegas. </div><div>
    </div><div>His parents are even more anti-wedding than mine. Which is what has been hard, having no family that's really excited. It's not fun, but we're excited and that's what I'm focusing on.</div>
    image
  • saacjwsaacjw member
    500 Comments 100 Love Its Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_my-parents-think-weddings-are-stupid-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:05d30bda-b955-4856-9967-133677e79c0ePost:d146e828-daa6-493a-853f-bb6b20dad0a8">Re: My parents think weddings are stupid??? Advice?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: My parents think weddings are stupid??? Advice? : I'm sorry! I didn't explain well! We do not believe in divorce. To us marriage REALLY and TRUELY means forever, til death, unless there is abuse which isn't going to happen. S<strong>o my view is since this is going to be my one and only wedding, then why shouldn't we make it a celebration?</strong> I'm not talking about spending tons of money. <strong>At the VERY VERY VERRRYYYYY most our very top budget would be 10K. </strong>That's for everything. <strong>Running down to the courthouse and signing a peice of paper just seems pointless.</strong> Why even bother when I can just live with him for two years and be considered common law. Not that I have anything against people who can't afford weddings and only have that option and I can understand people who opt to do the courthouse route on their second go around. I'm not bashing on courthouse marriages, but that's not an option for me. At all. <strong>To me, a marriage is something to be celebrated and cherished by all those you hold dear</strong>. My question really wasn't so much if I should have a wedding or not, it's more of how I should handle the situation with my parents. I want my dad to be HAPPY he's walking me down the isle and my mom to enjoy helping me plan. So my real question I guess was, has anyone dealt with this situation before? And what did you say to your parents to change their view. I mean, I have two friends that I consider my mom and dad, who I completely rely on, but since both of my parents are still alive and somewhat part of my life, I really want them to have the proper roles in my wedding. I guess its a silly question. At the very least, I wanted to know that I wasn't utter alone in this situation. 
    Posted by faifre6[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Just a couple of things- 1) I understand wanting a wedding to be a celebration, and a courthouse wedding is more than running down and signing some papers. My best friend did a courthouse thing- it involved vows, ring exchange, and pretty much everything I'd expect from a secular wedding. There was a reception afterwards, aka, a celebration. If you are religious, then I could see it not being the way to go, but if you attend a church, weddings are usually cheaper for members. My church is free for us to use, we'll make a donation and pay the organist. </div><div>
    </div><div>2) 10K is definately enough to do a wedding. Some girls here do it for 5K or less, DIY and planning ahead is your friend. It might not be as fancy as you want, but totally doable.</div><div>
    </div><div>3) Don't confuse marriage with a wedding. It sounds like since your parents aren't against marriage and divorce is not an option, marriage is cherished and celebrated, just the big party part of it is meh. Some of the best marriages I've witnessed started with a tiny wedding or elopement at a courthouse or in a friend's living room. Some of the worst started with an over the top blow out. </div><div>
    </div><div>4) My parents, my dad particurally, are happy we're getting married but kind of whatever on the whole wedding thing. My dad would have been very content if we had eloped. I can also tell you that I have a good friend who's parents were against the wedding and the marriage to such a large degree that they very nearly didn't come. She felt bad that they didn't care, but honestly hit a point where she had figured out their reasons for being against things, realized they were stupid, and decided to focus more on the next step in her life and her new family. They'll either warm up or not, but it sounds like if they don't, you'll have other people there who are happy and ready to celebrate. You can't convince other people to care, but some will, and those are the people to focus on. 

    </div>
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  • edited May 2012

    You have to let go of wanting your parents' approval, because it sounds, from your posts, like you're never going to get it.  Not because you haven't earned it (you have) and not because you don't deserve it (you do), but because (it sounds like) they are people with certain emotional/psychological limitations and they can't find it in themselves to give it.  The sooner you can truly embrace the knowledge that their lack of approval has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with who your parents are as people, the happier and easier the wedding planning process (and, in fact, the rest of your life) will be.  Don't waste your life trying to please people who refuse to be pleased.

    image my to-read shelf:
    Steph's book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (to-read shelf)
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_my-parents-think-weddings-are-stupid-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:05d30bda-b955-4856-9967-133677e79c0ePost:0def6319-373f-4225-b828-bd6fda397180">Re: My parents think weddings are stupid??? Advice?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: My parents think weddings are stupid??? Advice? : Just a couple of things- 1) I understand wanting a wedding to be a celebration, and a courthouse wedding is more than running down and signing some papers. My best friend did a courthouse thing- it involved vows, ring exchange, and pretty much everything I'd expect from a secular wedding. There was a reception afterwards, aka, a celebration. If you are religious, then I could see it not being the way to go, but if you attend a church, weddings are usually cheaper for members. My church is free for us to use, we'll make a donation and pay the organist.  2) 10K <strong>is definately enough to do a wedding. Some girls here do it for 5K or less,</strong> DIY and planning ahead is your friend. It might not be as fancy as you want, but totally doable. 3) Don't confuse marriage with a wedding. It sounds like since your parents aren't against marriage and divorce is not an option, marriage is cherished and celebrated, just the big party part of it is meh. Some of the best marriages I've witnessed started with a tiny wedding or elopement at a courthouse or in a friend's living room. Some of the worst started with an over the top blow out.  4) My parents, my dad particurally, are happy we're getting married but kind of whatever on the whole wedding thing. My dad would have been very content if we had eloped. I can also tell you that I have a good friend who's parents were against the wedding and the marriage to such a large degree that they very nearly didn't come. She felt bad that they didn't care, but honestly hit a point where she had figured out their reasons for being against things, realized they were stupid, and decided to focus more on the next step in her life and her new family. They'll either warm up or not, but it sounds like if they don't, you'll have other people there who are happy and ready to celebrate. You can't convince other people to care, but some will, and those are the people to focus on. 
    Posted by saacjw[/QUOTE]

    Absolutely. OP, you really can have a nice wedding, even on a small budget. It might mean that you have to shop for hours online and in stores to find sales and compare prices. It might mean that you can only serve cake and punch and not have a big party - no alcohol, no DJ. But you can still buy a beautiful dress, have some flowers (even fake ones can be beautiful and inexpensive if you shop around) and have a wonderful, memorable celebration with your friends and loved-ones.

    FI and I are keeping ours at 9K and that is all-inclusive: RD, wedding ceremony and reception, HM, rings - everything. We're paying for about 80% ourselves and our parents offered us what they were able to afford. We'll have over 100 guests (not sure exact amount since we're still waiting on rsvps - grrr), but we are able to serve a meal b/c we went with a buffet from an local, independent business, so we're basically just paying cost of food. We're not having a DJ, just playing some music from the sound system. We're getting married at our church, which costs 1/3 of a venue hall. And we're skipping the alcohol since we're "conveniently" getting married in a church :)

    So, if you're thinking 10K from your own funds, you can most definitely have a nice wedding.
  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    As long as you can afford it, OP, have the wedding you and FI can afford.  That's why I included the link to the newspaper article.  It's all about planning weddings a couple can afford.

    If you find you cannot have the wedding you want with the cash you have on hand, then it's time to develop a savings plan OR have a wedding that you can pull off with the money you have.  Easy peasy.  Good luck!
  • I did not read past Lisa50's first post because I think she missed your point. I think you should have  a heart to heart like Avion said. Your parents sound very unsupportive to me and bitter. It sounds like you have allot to be proud of!! You have accomplished allot! It also sounds like you CAN afford more than a courthouse wedding as Lisa50 didn't seem to read. My fiance and I are paying for ours as well because some of the people that were trying to give money were wanting to run things so we declined the money and paid for it ourselves! Do what makes you happy and unfortunately it may not be what makes your parents happy.
  • Reiterating EVERYTHING that StephBean said.  Some parents just seem to be incapable of giving approval, and it looks like yours are that.  If you're having a really hard time with it, maybe try counselling?

    Weddings have a way of hilighting how our reality differs from the way we wish things were.  You can't change them, but you can (with time and effort) change your reaction to them.  Don't expect them to get into the planning, because you'll only be disappointed. Weddings are a joyous occasion, and it's a shame they don't see it the same way you do.  But I agree, to keep the occasion happy for you, you'll probably need to limit their involvement.
  • here is my situation.  my dad thinks my fiance is a loser with no will and no want of anything but sitting on his butt.  his dad is totally okay with me as long as we are just friends.  his mom has banned me from visiting.  we dont have parental approval at all.  yes i want them all involved.  but this is a celebration day for us and for our friends and such.  we are gonna do it.  if you push are you going to convince your parents to be involved? probably not.  will your dad probably be ok walking you down the aisle and the pair to attend? probably.  to get your family and parents to change their minds is not going to happen.  do what you wanna do.  bu dont let them decide your feelings
  • wtf? weddings are awesome- food, drinks, dancing- yes please!
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