no ummm "relations" until wedding...

secretbride1988

Not going to lie terrified of being a preg bride...so not to take any chances (I can't have birth control) and not going to do anything that might lead me to have a bun in the oven.  How many of u have done this weather it be for tradition, Religion or other reasons? How did it work out? 

Tiger_Tammer

haha, Not I said the cat! There is no way I was going to buy yhe car without a test drive! Did you at least check under the hood?

secretbride1988

oh we have had PLENTY of test driving...ha you think i'd marry someone and commit my life to one man without knowing what he had to offer? ooooo nooo and he wasn't my first so I know lol... I know what I'm getting...just won't be getting it for 4 months

OnionBiitch

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_ummm-relations-until-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:06177be4-eda7-44dd-a859-74a2357b2d29Post:95d895db-9ce4-4218-86df-5c50fb54a08e">Re: no ummm "relations" until wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE]oh we have had PLENTY of test driving...ha you think i'd marry someone and commit my life to one man without knowing what he had to offer? ooooo nooo and he wasn't my first so I know lol... I know what I'm getting...just won't be getting it for 4 months
Posted by secretbride1988[/QUOTE]
There are lots of people who want to wait until marriage for sex.  There is nothing wrong with that.  That's not my opinion, but I respect others who have that opinion.  It doesn't seem like you do.

SpokenVows

It's something FI and I are talking about doing. Part of me just wants to see how long we can go without. But really, I think it will make the next time we do a little bit extra, in a sense. We're staying at a super cute inn, so I think it will just add to the intimacy.

GJones27

It's more common than you think.  FI and I have stayed pure for religious reasons, and we've been together five years. 

diehld

We try all the time... I think it leads back to religious reasons... the same reasons being why we aren't living together before we get married... Have fun waiting... I got off the pill just to see if that would help make us wait... and it hasn't so I know your fear... (I know about condoms frankly i don't care) Do what you want to do... I think right now be careful but afterwords you better go for it! lol

DramaGeek

um, yeah, our first time was our wedding night, H is the only personI've ever been with, and I'm his only partner as well, and after 8 yeas we're still going strong in all ways, so please don't insinuate that people who don't sleep together pre-marriage are doomed.

Personally, I don't see the point in waiting just to see if you can.  If you have a personal reason for wanting to do so (and usually it's religious), then fine, do it,  If you're concerned about pregnancy, then yes, abstinence is the only 100% safe route.

midgetthemighty

FI and I are waiting and we couldn't be happier about it. It's not always easy but it's very important to us (religious reasons) to wait. A lot of people do it. I also don't understand how stopping for a set amount of time once you were already doing it pretty regularly, but I'm not going to judge anyone for it. Be prepared for people not to believe that you've stopped until your wedding night once they knew you were already sleeping together.

Enami

The pill isn't 100% effective anyway, nor are condoms. But have you looked into non-hormone BC, like an IUD, or tried charting your cycle? I have absolutely no desire to stop having sex ith my FI, and the longest we've gone without was around 6 weeks, during the peak of my morningsickness. Nothing screams "coitus" like the hit-and-miss chance of getting barfed on. But after baby's here, I'm planning on getting an IUD and BF for my BC, and hoping it works from September to June.

iluvmy0341

If you and your fiance would like to uh.. not "have relations", then do it. Its your choice. There's actually a lot more people than you know who do so.

jemmini6

I understand waiting if you and your FI have never done it before, but I honestly think it's pointless to go from having sex, then to stop for a few months before the wedding and then wait till your wedding night.  I guess more power to the people who choose to go that route, I just honestly can't see any point or benefit in it.  (and I can't see how it would make it more 'special', it will just make it much, much quicker).  (<--this pov is only for the 'more special' camp, if you are holding off for the specific reason of preventing pregnancy, then yes, it's really the only fool proof way to do that, but I would personally go with various forms of BC before I gave up sex with FI)

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_ummm-relations-until-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:06177be4-eda7-44dd-a859-74a2357b2d29Post:95d895db-9ce4-4218-86df-5c50fb54a08e">Re: no ummm "relations" until wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE]oh we have had PLENTY of test driving...ha you think i'd marry someone and commit my life to one man without knowing what he had to offer? ooooo nooo and he wasn't my first so I know lol... I know what I'm getting...just won't be getting it for 4 months
Posted by secretbride1988[/QUOTE]

Wait, so you are only worried about getting pregnant for four months? Before that, you didn't care? Strange.

Plus, I think the 'let us stop having sex to make it more special on the wedding night' is BS. If we have a break, it hurts like hell the first time after the wait. Sorry, but pain does not equal 'more special' for me.

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_ummm-relations-until-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:06177be4-eda7-44dd-a859-74a2357b2d29Post:dde5b488-4a5c-4aea-84a7-e624bd66c6e1">no ummm "relations" until wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE]Not going to lie terrified of being a preg bride...so not to take any chances <strong>(I can't have birth control)</strong> and not going to do anything that might lead me to have a bun in the oven.  How many of u have done this weather it be for tradition, Religion or other reasons? How did it work out? 
Posted by secretbride1988[/QUOTE]

So if you can't have BC what have you been doing to prevent pregnancy up til now? You said you've had sex with him. I guess I'm really confused by your reasoning.

trawas01

If you hadn't been sleeping together before your engagement I could see keeping that up.

But, wedding planning is stressful and why you'd want to add another unnecessary stress like abstinence (and I say this not to be rude to couples who choose to wait as thats entierly different but to couples who are already in a physical relationship and then stop due to an engagement) doesn't make much sense to me.

Not to mention if I threw this idea out ot my fiance he'd probably cry. lol

mattycam

We decided to abstain until our wedding night

SpokenVows

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_ummm-relations-until-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:06177be4-eda7-44dd-a859-74a2357b2d29Post:02265258-975d-42ec-a33d-f1407d76a85f">Re: no ummm "relations" until wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: no ummm "relations" until wedding... : See, I get doing it for religious or physical reasons, but I've never understood why not doing it for a set time is supposed to make the first time back better.  Is it better on an emotional level? A physical one?  Why so?  I ask because that has never worked that way in my personal experience, but it seems to be a pretty popular philosophy, so I figure it's gotta be based in something, right?
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]


For me, personally, there a physical side to it. But there's a bit of an emotional side, too. For us, it's sort of "absense makes the heart grow fonder", or "you don't really know what you've got, till it's gone," if that makes sense. When we go without for a period of time, it just makes it a lot more fun and exciting for us when we do do it again. I don't know about for other people, but that's how it is for FI and me.

MyNameIsNot

So what is the plan for after the wedding?  Becoming the Duggars?

If you are getting married, you need to decide on some form of sustainable method of birth control.  Abstinence probably isn't going to work out for you after you get married.  

Calypso1977

we chose to abstain for our entire engagement (about 6 months) so as to prepare for the receipt of our sacrament.  (we are catholic).  we had been having sex for 2 years.

it was an amazing experience and i'm glad we did it.  we had just purchased a house and had separate bedrooms.  once we married, we moved into the master bedroom, bought a new bed for it, and the rooms we had kept became our fully appointed guest rooms.  it really helped us become closer to our faith, and closer to the meaning behind the sacrament.  we approached the altar on our wedding day as free of sin as we could be, having made full confessions. 

ti also was good preparation in the event we ever reach a time in our marriage where sex is physically impossible.  it taught us the other ways to show intimacy that dont involve sexual acts.

i think to do it just to make wedding night sex better or to avoid being pregnant are kinds of sill reasons IMO.  but to each his own.  do what you feel best.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_ummm-relations-until-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:06177be4-eda7-44dd-a859-74a2357b2d29Post:2638d982-55fc-4f93-ac78-1b4e32fb0737">Re: no ummm "relations" until wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: no ummm "relations" until wedding... : Wait, so you are only worried about getting pregnant for four months? Before that, you didn't care? Strange.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I was way more nervous 8-9 months before my wedding about getting KU.

secretbride1988

we have only been engaged a month so yeah 4 months and deciding to do this is reasonable if you ask me...and i watched a show the other night where the bride couldn't even enjoy her wedding and that got me thinking...
I'm not knocking people who wait and only have one partner ever...most of my friends are like that and i'm a little jealous.  We all take different paths.
We use condoms and I don't have time to go to the doctor for IUD's and such I work 13 hour days with no way of getting time off (don't knock it please I love my job)...
He thinks I will cave...idk it started as a way of being able to enjoy my wedding more because I have this theory that once you become a mom all you think about is your kid(s) and I want my wedding to be as carefree as it can be...I know there will be hang ups but I don't want to be worried about anything but me and my husband.
again not dissing anyone who waits until marriage all together or has a kid when married but I just want my day to be "chill"
and fiance is ok with it by the way!  he tells me 4 months is nothing compared to the dry spell he had before me...
oh and yeah I am worried about it being akward! I'm worried in four months we will forget what we spent two years learning about each other but oh well...

secretbride1988

so whos betting i get preg with a honeymoon baby? lol

Milsey32

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_ummm-relations-until-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:06177be4-eda7-44dd-a859-74a2357b2d29Post:8b51fac1-2200-4739-b9a0-3edfaa41edd0">Re: no ummm "relations" until wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE]The pill isn't 100% effective anyway, nor are condoms. But have you looked into non-hormone BC, like an IUD, or tried charting your cycle? I have absolutely no desire to stop having sex ith my FI, and the longest we've gone without was around 6 weeks, during the peak of my morningsickness. <strong>Nothing screams "coitus" like the hit-and-miss chance of getting barfed on</strong>. But after baby's here, I'm planning on getting an IUD and BF for my BC, and hoping it works from September to June.
Posted by Enami[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>hahahhahahahhahahahahhahahahha</div>

Soon2BeMrsTing

DH and I were virgins until the day we married.  And not in a "we tried pretty much everything else but" kind of way.  We really held back until we were husband and wife.  Sure, that first night hurt and the one after it hurt but it's been amazing all the same because we focused on serving each other.

Honestly, a good number of the couples we know go the same route (for spiritual reasons primarily, among other factors) and many of them, to their credit, wait far longer than we did, getting married at 28.   It's hard to wait, don't get me wrong- but with so many in our circle having waited or waiting themselves, it was a predominant culture and we trusted it would pay dividends.  The man who married us and his wife were virgins when they married at 38 and 33.  A lot of our inspiration came from them.

katheriner89

I want my wedding night booty to be very enjoyable, not painful and odd like the first time. not to mention, FI is a total horn-dog.

I'm on the pill and we are very careful. We both want kids, if it happens before the wedding oh well.. i just won't be drinking at the wedding!

MyNameIsNot

I still want to know if you are planning on abstaining after the wedding.

Because if you don't have time to go to a doctor now, you sure don't have time to be a mommy.  If you're adult enough to get married, you're adult enough to come up with a family planning option that works.  Just letting it happen is completely irresponsible.  

emmmbeee

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_ummm-relations-until-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:06177be4-eda7-44dd-a859-74a2357b2d29Post:f6f991cb-d0ff-46dd-adc3-7cfd9eb10c71">Re: no ummm "relations" until wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE]I still want to know if you are planning on abstaining after the wedding. Because if you don't have time to go to a doctor now, you sure don't have time to be a mommy.  If you're adult enough to get married, you're adult enough to come up with a family planning option that works.  Just letting it happen is completely irresponsible.  
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

I don't think this is fair to say or ask of OP.  She was simply inquiring about how others handled temporary abstinence and noted in her OP that she couldn't use BC for some reason.  In a later post she advised that she uses condoms.  And she never said that she didn't want kids AT ALL, just that she didn't want to be pregnant at her wedding.  Which I think is completely legit.  I don't want a child right now and I don't use BC but FI and I use condoms.  I guess because we don't have a "family planning option that works" that we're being irresponsible too?

Calypso1977

i think my name is not was trying to convey that after the weddng, OP will still be too busy to find BC that works, so i assume they will go back to condoms.  if the condoms fail, they will have an unplanned pregancy that it sounds like OP isnt ready for. 

OP should seriously try charting if she's planning on abstaining for 4 months.  its the best form of BC!  safe and effective, and FREE.

em01092

This is a serious question, and I am sorry if it is too personal:

Are you and your FI having good sex? Like, good for both of you?

My roommate stopped having sex with her ex-FI as soon as they got engaged. She never enjoyed sex really (never orgasmed before, ever), so it wasn't a big deal to give it up. Her FI was reluctant but agreed (he was orgasming). However, she was very sexually frustrated, or rather, perhaps intimacy frustrated, and not too soon after calling off the wedding and relationship with her FI, she found a friend with benefits rather quickly, telling me the sex was dramatically different and she loved it (she finally orgasmed). 

On the other hand, my FI and I have amazing sex, and I cannot imagine giving up something so wonderful and meaningful, since we did not decide to wait. I would cry. Had we waited from the start (which I am not a fan of, but respect those who do), that'd be different. 

Of course, that is just one example and I am NOT trying to say that every couple that chooses to stop having sex once they get engaged was having bedroom blunders. I am legitimately just curious and am not trying to be a b!tch, nor offend anyone. You don't have to answer if its TMI. 

Calypso1977

em, it sounds like your friend had bigger problems in her relationship than just the sex.  i dont think that is a good example.

loves2shop4shoes

Your logic is piss poor.  Sorry Charlie.