Father - Daughter issues

cubbiefanwife

There is too much here to actually explain all - and certainly all relationships can be complicated, but I need some perspective here.
I am an older first time bride (will be 45 two months after wedding) and I have lived on my own since I was 18.  I was raised by my Mom as my dad was a VERY absentee dad.  I love him, and we do have a relationship now. 
That said, when it comes to him walking me down an aisle to "give me away" I feel bemused, because I feel he gave me away a VERY long time ago. And I am my own person at this point having lived out from under my parent's (who divorced when I was 10) roof.  I want to walk by myself. 
But my dad just recently had open heart surgery and is super depressed. My step-mother says that he is too depressed to care about anything related to the wedding and particularly bummed that I do not want him to walk me down the aisle. He said it is a father's "last obligation to fill."
And when it comes to a father-daughter dance, I thought that may be a good substitue and actually meaningful. But my dad said he doesn't want to even think about it.
My fiance and I are paying for the wedding (although his parents and my mom have offered to contribute) and now my step-mom is saying my dad does not even want to come because I do not want him to be my dad or the FOB role and so he does not have a part.
I am bemused, sad, and very frustrated. Can I get some perspective from all of you out there.  Thanks.

SarahPLiz

If you don't want anyone giving you away, then don't do it. You are your own woman and came into the relationship on your own, without your dad. Yes, it will be a public slight to him to not walk you down the aisle, but that is mitigated by your age. If I went to a friends wedding who was 45 and her dad was walking her, I'd think it was strange.

I think you just need to explain that to your dad. He never owned you so he can't give you away. Become a staunch feminist if that's what it takes.

skippylouwho

Maybe you should ask your dad rather than listening to your stepmother?

cubbiefanwife

Yeah, thanks. I have tried talking to my dad, but it is now we can't talk about religion, politics OR the wedding.  And you are right, my step-mom is not much of a good viewpoint, but better than nothing. 

Thanks for letting me vent.

amagwire

Am I correct in thinking that you don't want him to walk you down the aisle because 

of the whole 'giving the bride away' aspect? If I am, then what seems like a really silly compromise is to have him walk to part way down the aisle.  And by that, I don't mean you abandom him halfway down the aisle...I've seen a wedding before where the bride's father escorted her down the aisle, then they parted ways when he got to his seat, and he sat down.  It sounds like it's something that he really wants to do in the wedding, and is the only 'compromise' I can think of.  

But, in the end if you don't want to be escorted by anyone, then don't!

MOBinFL2008

If I read this correctly, like the PP, I taking this as you being opposed to your father "giving you away."  However, you don't seem to be totally against your father since you are willing to do a father/daughter dance.

Why not look at it differently?  Your dad wouldn't be "giving you away" if he walked you down the aisle, he'd merely be escorting and supporting you.  I know some brides walk themselves down the aisle but I know many more who were so nervous that they were darn glad to have someone's arm to hang onto while they walked down the aisle.

I've been to plenty of weddings with brides your age and older.  Some were first time brides, others were not.  Some were escorted by their dad, some by a brother or close friend, and one was escorted by her son; none of them walked alone.  Someone walking you down the aisle does not have to signify that they are giving you away.

At the end of the day you have to make the decision that you can live with.  I'm just giving you another way of looking at things.

cubbiefanwife

FOLLOW-UP!  I was writing on another board with a post titled "Post-Toast Blues"  about the outcome of my choice. I did choose to walk myself down the aisle and felt quite comfortable with it. No nerves or anything, just confidence that I was marrying a man who loves me and I love him.  It was exhilerating and perfect, but later my father stirred up the bad blood.

At our reception (which my husband and I paid for) I had asked my father to say a few words and give a toast. He is a pretty good speaker and I thought this might be a nice compromise. But he used it to blast me and toss a heap of garbage in my face in the guise of a loving toast. 

I repeat some of what I wrote in the other post just so folks can see the "What happened next" part of this tale when they make their own choices.

I would NEVER do differently in walking the aisle by myself, I would only choose differently in allowing my father a microphone and having a forum to air his dirty laundry.  As someone else said on the other post "Thanks for validating my choice, dad."