New Last Name?--Kind of long

Eveanyn

My FI and I have been talking for a long time--almost a year--about changing our name when we get married. We're both family loving, but open-to-change people, and instead of being the last in his family's line, we want to start our own. Even if we have kids that decide they want to change THEIR last names when they get married if they're boys, we think it could start a very nice new tradition where our family didn't have to share a last name to still share the same bond.

His family is freaking out. His mom says that talking about this has hurt her more deeply than anyone has ever hurt her in her entire life.
FI is the youngest of three kids. His two older sisters are married and took different last names. He asked his mom, "So how come 'sister newlast name' and 'othersister newlastname' can have a different name and you weren't offended, but if I do you think it's a personal offense? What if I wanted to take your maiden name?" She replied with the fact that her maiden name was still a family name and that would still mean she had little ____ grandchildren running around.

He asked her what would have happened if I didn't take his last name, because if that were the case, our children would definitely not take his last name, and at the most they would be hyphenated. We had even talked about him taking my name, but decided a whole separate last name would be better. She didn't want to hear it.

His sisters got pissed and said they would be very mad if he did it. He brought up their name changes and they replied with, "That's different".  I don't see how, considering it's changing who you were to be a new you along with your spouse. Just because we don't want to meld into one family or the other to show preference means we get to be disowned by one family? (His grandmother said she'll disown him if he does it.)

I'm just confused, ladies! I'm not asking whether or not we should change our name to a totally different one, but rather for advice with dealing with it. FI is really upset that his family is so unsupportive of something that is really important to him, and I don't want to go behind his back to his family to talk to them about it (he asked me not to unless they contact me first). I do want to give him good points to raise to his family to make them see that it's not a personal hit against them and that we don't love them any less because of our decision.

KatyRoseM

It is important to understand that this is a shock to them.  They were prepared for their daughters to change their names but not him.  Because they were prepared for it and not this this might feel like a rejection of them.  Just be aware and think about it from that perspective.  It is important to be aware of how your new family feels.  

My Fi actually wanted to do this and I talked him out of it.  I thought that it would be a rejection of them particularly since he is adopted and that makes last names important.  

Anyway, give them time, and think about making it a combination of the names.  Also this does go against tradition, so you should not be terribly shocked by their reaction.  Talk reasonably with them, and give them time.  Also showing that you are not unwilling to listen which might help.

[Deleted User]

That is different and goes against tradition. I am happy to take my FI's last name after we are married. I would just discuss it and all of the pros and cons and then make the best decision for the 2 of you, don't worry about the reactions of family members, they will get over it eventually. If not, its their loss, not yours.

redheadfsu

http://www.lucystoneleague.org/

is a good website that advocates both sexes having the right to keep or change their name & challenges the (set in stone) mindset that only women can/ must change their name.

MyNameIsNot

You're really just going to have to give it some time.  Some people just don't sit well with the non-traditional, and need to get used to it.

I would definitely avoid the issue as much as possible, but if it does come up again, tell him to say "Mom/sis, I understand that you think this is strange, and I understand how you feel about this.  But Eveanyn and I have discussed this at length, and this is the best decision for us, and we're very happy with it.  This is my name, and I have to do what I feel is best.  The issue is no longer open for discussion."  

I'm all about shutting down stuff like that.  You aren't going to change their minds, so he just needs to make them understand that this is his name, and his decision, and not something he's going to keep going round and round about.

Eveanyn

Thanks, ladies. We were prepared for the family to be upset, and had all of our reasons calmly put out there. I wasn't prepared for the extreme reaction of the family that said that we're betraying everything and that they won't come to the wedding if we follow through with this. FI is not willing to lose his family over a name change, but it was something that he really wanted and is now very hurt that they would pressure him like this.

Oh, and mixing our two names together is something that we had in mind, but we can't do it and create a good last name, so we wanted to take on an entirely separate one. We know it goes against tradition, and that people would be upset, but we figured that with time they'd be accustomed to it. At this point, it looks like we'll lose family if we do it. Changing our name to a separate one after the wedding was discussed, but it seems as though any action we take to change our name will result in at least 10 people not speaking to us for the forseeable future.

That site is very helpful, thanks!

rrkenney

I just want to say kudos and this is really awesome that you want to do this. I haven't quite decided what I'm doing with my last name yet but FI isn't interested in changing his so I may just keep mine too. I hate the idea of doing it just because that's what you are supposed to do.

A compromise that a fried of mine did was to keep her last name and any future sons will take her husbands last name and future daughters will take her last name. I thought this was really neat but am not sure if I would want my kids to have different last names because that could get really confusing in schools and for family friends.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_new-last-name-kind-of-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:0ba64cff-1df6-46e9-989d-a81c93c74630Post:cc7475f4-aaec-41a1-8c2b-6372f5d0a78b">Re: New Last Name?--Kind of long</a>:
[QUOTE]I just want to say kudos and this is really awesome that you want to do this. I haven't quite decided what I'm doing with my last name yet but FI isn't interested in changing his so I may just keep mine too. I hate the idea of doing it just because that's what you are supposed to do.<strong> A compromise that a fried of mine did was to keep her last name and any future sons will take her husbands last name and future daughters will take her last name.</strong> I thought this was really neat but am not sure if I would want my kids to have different last names because that could get really confusing in schools and for family friends.
Posted by rrkenney[/QUOTE]

We have friends who did this, but instead of genderizing it, they just did, "Child 1 gets your name, child 2 gets my name." So FI's best friend's oldest daughter has his last name, his younger daughter has his wife's last name. However, I understand that some people want a family name. I knew someone who's parents also made up a last name - Makepeace - and officially changed their names and gave that name to their children.

I agree with you on all counts, OP, but you just have to realize that this is more abnormal in our society, unfair as it is. I would just avoid talking about it right now, and say, "We've discussed it among ourselves and make our decison. End of story." If and when it gets brought up.