problems with MOB and catholic wedding

emslifer84

My fiancee and i were both brought up catholic and have had all of our sacraments. we dont want to have a catholic wedding due to our beliefs changing through out our years. his parents and my dad wish for us to do what we want to do. My mom, on the other hand, wants us to do the whole catholic wedding aspect. Which i really dont understand since even as a family we are not practicing catholics. The last time my mom went to church that i remember is years ago. She claims 6 mos. I dont want to upset her, but we dont want ot be miserable on our own wedding day. She has even called me crying, saying she wants our marriage to be blessed. I believe since we are good people and still have faith, god will still bless us. I dont need someone saying that we are. I dont know what else i can do with out completely giving into her wishes. except that wouldnt work due to my fiancee not wanting to due the pre cana classes, counseling, and community service. any help?

kmmssg

You are going to have to sit down with and have one final, quiet, respectful conversation with her. "Mom, FI and I have discussed this and our FINAL decision is that we will not be having a Catholic wedding.  I understand that this is important to you, but we do not feel it is the right decision for us and our choice is made.  Mom, I need you to accept this and move on, because I will not discuss this issue anymore.  I hope you will understand." If she won't give it up, remove yourself from the discussion.  If she calls about it, remind her the subject is closed.  If she keeps it up, tell her "Mom, I have to go now.  I told you I won't talk about this any further." Eventually, she will give it up.

megk8oz

I had a similar problem with my grandmother when FI and I announced our intentions of getting married. She was actually willing to "let it go" that it wasn't a Catholic wedding, but it was bugging her that we weren't doing it at ANY church. I am Catholic (Non-practicing) and while she "turns a blind eye" to this, FI is Buddhist. She loves FI to death, has said a million times she couldn't find a better man for me if she tried ... but she can't for some reason accept that he's not a Christian of some form. Actually, FI wasn't even opposed to getting married in a church ... if that's what *I* had my heart set on. But to me, it just wasn't important enough to me to do it that way, and we weren't going to do something that wasn't "us". I think if it comes up again, you should calmly explain your reasons for doing this your way (Really, unless your mom is paying, she REALLY does not get a say on this), and then tell her "This is our wedding and this is how we choose to do this. I'm your daughter and I would really appreciate it if you could just accept this already, because it's not going to change anything if you keep opposing it, other than it's going to put a strain on our [yours and mom] relationship. Now that we've heard each other out, I have no intention of discussing this issue anymore. So please, do not bring this up to me again".

Leah&Christian09

Exactly what Kmm said.  Have one more directin conversation, telling her that the subject is closed.  If she brings it up again, shut her down by changing the subject.  She's just going to have to understand that you are an adult and you willl make your own decisions.

trix1223

Yep-just what kmm said.  You are going to have to man up (woman up?) on this one and tell your mom exactly what you've decided.  kmm had great wording for you.And then you absolutely DO have to let her know that you'll not discuss it again.  If she calls and brings it up, say "Mom, I'm hanging up now." and do it.  If she brings it up at a family gathering, say "Mom, if you continue to discuss this, I'm leaving."  and then do it.Your mom can't engage in this if you don't.

Calypso1977

I believe since we are good people and still have faith, god will still bless us. ems, i think waht your mom means is that the Catholic church will not recognize your marriage, since you wont be receiving the sacrament of matrimony if you marry outside of the Church.  in her eyes (and the Church's) you will be living in sin, as they will nto consider you married.that said, however, if you dont believe in the faith, and have no intention of practicing Catholicism or baptizing and raising your future children in Catholicism, then you are right to not marry in the Church just to please people.

emslifer84

thank you all for your ideas. Does anyone know if you can still be somehow blessed with out doing a catholic ceremony?

[Deleted User]

I agree with all pp. My thoughts to why this happens is I think some people like the pomp and circumstance to a Catholic wedding. They are "culturally" Catholic rather then really religious.

Leah&Christian09

Does anyone know if you can still be somehow blessed with out doing a catholic ceremony?There is a formal ceremony called a convalidation.  You have your marriage declared valid in the eyes of the church.  It requires that you go through all of the pre cana requirements.  Also, you have to have a good reason for getting married outside of the church.  For example, if a couple gets married and then converts to Catholicism 2 years later, they didn't get married in the church b/c they weren't catholic.  Or a Catholic and a Protestant get married, and the ceremony is in the Methodist church. Your situation isn't the same thing.  The priest is probably going to tell you that if you want a catholic wedding, you should have it in the catholic church in the first place.  This probably isn't going to help your situation.   All priests are different, but my experience has been that they want you to connect with the catholic faith, but that they don't want to help you "fake it" for appearances.There are former and retired priests out there that offer their services as non-denominational officiants.  This could help with your mother.  Also, if you have a friend or family member that is a priest, you could ask him to say a blessing over the meal and your marriage at the reception.

Calypso1977

ditto Leah.

vitamint

I am Catholic but I am not getting married in the Catholic Church because FI is not Catholic and we decided to respect both religions. he is Christian, not baptized. We are being married by an ordained catholic priest that left the Roman Catholic church, is now married with 5 kids and marrries people like us all of the time. I talked to my priest about this- according to Cannon Law the marriage is recognized it is just considered irrgeular as opposed to a regular marriage (ceremony in the church). It is not that it won't be recognized. You can go through process later to have the marriage blessed. Good luck!

trix1223

vitamint:  I'm surprised by your post.  I've never heard of a non-Catholic wedding being recognized as valid by the Catholic church.  At least not without a convalidation ceremony.My BIL and SIL were married in a Methodist church.  She was Catholic, her was not.  In order for their marriage to be recognized, they had to attend classes and get re-married in a Catholic church.

Calypso1977

We are being married by an ordained catholic priest that left the Roman Catholic church, is now married with 5 kids and marrries people like us all of the time. I talked to my priest about this- according to Cannon Law the marriage is recognized it is just considered irrgeular as opposed to a regular marriage (ceremony in the church). vita, i am afraid this priest misinformed you.  if the priest is not in communion with Rome, then he has no authority to perform marriages (or any other sacraments for that matter.).check your Canon laws.  sadly, there are many priests out there that say things that are not really in accordance with canon law.

phoeny_moonstar

You pay you say. No catholic ceremony if you and your FI don't want one.

mavgirl_73

If the couple have been baptized (and at least one is catholic) the marriage is valid but is irregular. Having been married (outside of the church by a JOP) and having to go through an annulment this is true. Your marriage will be recognized as valid but not as a sacrament. Lay down the law (in a nice way of course) but it's your wedding, do it how you want to.

lilcassers

I was raised cathloic and same as you, have veered into the non-denominational christian faith. I don't agree with half the stuff the cath church believes in and I will never be married there. Both my grandmas are upset with me and say that I have "sinned" how ridiculous.. last time I checked, I still believe in god and jesus, I just practice it differently. When I look back at my wedding day, I want to know that my FI and I are happy with our decision, and that we truely love the church and the pastor who marries us. That is all that counts-- you know in your heart what type of place you should be married in, you just have to get the courage to tell your mom that it's time for you to live your own life and that you still love god & jesus, but you practice it in a different sanctuary. And think of it this way, the "church" is the people, not the place. Good luck

colorguardgirl

I am not a catholic but FI is. Our wedding is in the catholic church so our wedding is considered to be valid in the church. However, I have heard through some research and talking with our priest that you can go to the church later if you would like take the classes and have a blessing after one of the normally scheduled masses. This will give you the blessing from the church. However, If you do not want to get married in the church do not do it. Every Priest will tell you this. It has to be something that you both want and need. Good luck and God Bless.