Parents want a church wedding; we do not.

lmlanigan

So my dad (who doesn't even go to church, mind you) wants me to get married in a church, even though I have repeatedly stated that I do not wish to get married in a church.  (My fiance supports me on this.)  I can't seem to get through to them that, even if they're footing the bill, this is still OUR day.  I'm willing to compromise on other things, but not this.  For various reasons, I feel us getting married in a church would be hypocritical and insulting to people who actually go to church and believe in everything that goes with it.  I am seething right now.  I am seriously considering eloping if things don't get better.

artbyallie

I agree that you shouldn't get married in a church if you are not religious. Pay for your own wedding; rent a hall and do cake+punch in the early afternoon (2-3) if budget is a concern.

acaponi87

This was my big battle also.

FI and I were both raised Catholic. My dad still practices (but is not super religious) but that's about it. FI and I DO NOT want to get married in a church. I'd feel horrible and would be worrying about the fact that I don't believe a lot of what's being said.

My Grandma is super Catholic. She has 20 grandkids. I'll be the 4th getting married, but the 1st girl. I think my dad is pushing it so much because it kills my grandmother that no one has been married in a church.  And he thinks I should receive all my sacraments. And "why wouldn't you want God watching you/blessing you on that day"? Sorry, but I'm pretty sure God will be just as present outside in his beautiful world. I don't think he will shun us just because we aren't in a church. It's been nonstop guilt and I just don't care, like you said it's something that we are not willing to compromise on.

Stand your ground and try to get your mom or someone else closer to your dad on your side. If worse comes to worse, decline his money and then you don't owe him anything and are free to do as you please. Good luck!

blush64

Do not get married in a church if you don't want to. Unless you actually believe in the religion and feel a church wedding would mean something for you, don't do it. It's wrong and insulting to use a church if you are doing it for someone else. (also it's super insulting for those who use a church for pretty pictures.)

Do what means something for you.

ginadog

I would then decline financial help from them.  It is your day.  They must really feel if they are paying for it they can bug you about this thing. 

Then they really have no right to say anything about it.

Gabrielle76

I'm not one for giving ultimatums, but maybe in this case a firm hand is best (as long as you're ok with potentially losing out on your parents funding)

Sit down with your dad and explain that you are uncomfortable getting married in a church, and explain why.  Tell him that it's not an issue you are willing to budge on, and if he insists, you and your FI will choose to elope. 

Also, make sure your father understands that you can still have a beautiful, classy, meaningful wedding in a secular setting.  My dad was totally put off by the idea of a non church wedding, because he had never been to one, and had no idea what it would be like, who would officiate, etc.  Once I explained that it would be a lot like the weddings he was used to, just not in a church, he didn't have any issue with it.  I hope you get this all worked out!

jemmini6

OP - I agree with PPs, this should NOT be an issue you budge on.  It may come down to paying for your own wedding, but I agree that I think it's hypocritical to get married in a church if you don't actively participate in the religion.

Acoponi - my grandma is the same way.  She's uber-Catholic (she had 9 children, so lots of grandkids, though I'm no where near the first of them to get married).  She's been pretty good though about keeping her religious beliefs to herself because she knows most of her children (and grandchildren) stopped practicing Catholicism as soon as they could.  She was still disappointed though that none of our ceremonies were religious, even if they were held outside, but she didn't push it, and I certainly wasn't going to alter my beliefs to accommodate my grandma.

MyNameIsNot

"Sorry dad, but we will not be getting married in the church.  While I understand it is important to you, I hope that you will respect that we have chosen a ceremony that reflects our own beliefs.  If you decide that this means you will no longer be contributing financially, we understand."

Dulmaria

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_parents-want-church-wedding-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:157bb4fa-cb59-46b3-ae4a-93ffd08336fdPost:35879985-f4b8-4098-9a3f-55efeec4f1aa">Parents want a church wedding; we do not.</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>So my dad (who doesn't even go to church, mind you)</strong> wants me to get married in a church, even though I have repeatedly stated that I do not wish to get married in a church.  (My fiance supports me on this.)  I can't seem to get through to them that, even if they're footing the bill, this is still OUR day.  I'm willing to compromise on other things, but not this.  For various reasons, <strong><u>I feel us getting married in a church would be hypocritical and insulting to people who actually go to church and believe in everything that goes with it.</u></strong>  I am seething right now.  I am seriously considering eloping if things don't get better.
Posted by lmlanigan[/QUOTE]

When DH and I announced we were getting married, my parents, (who don´t even go to church either) tried to talk us into marrying at a church. We refused and they hushed. We made very clear we wanted an Officiant who would perform a blended family ceremony (I am mother to a 5 year old).

But MIL was very upset about it and kept making comments like "that´s not getting married", and other sh*t.

At the end we did what we wanted, and did not allow anyone´s comment bother us. (DH grandparents and some aunt didn´t show up at the wedding, but that´s their problem, they missed a beautiful ceremony, we had jokes, I laughed a lot and people got very emotional when DH said his vows to my daughter and presented a little necklace to her)

lmlanigan

Thanks for your feedback.  We are meeting with my folks Sunday to discuss details.  My folks are at least looking at nondenominational chapels, though we'd still like some say in where we want to get married.  (As you can see, I've pushed the wedding to the following spring so there's more time to plan.)  I am hoping we can at least meet in the middle, if anything!