What do I do with my last name??

shanarstinar1925

Helloooo...just trying to figure out what to do! I am getting married in April and last night, my fiance and I started chatting about changing my last name. I am all for it except for the fact that he was married once before and she kept his last name (mainly because of laziness, it was "too much work" to get it changed back)..That got me thinking about hyphenating it so I can have the best of both worlds. I just think it's weird to share the same last name as his ex...but he got offended when I suggested the hypenation (is that even a word??) Has anyone else been in a situation like this? Am I overreacting? Should I just get over it and then we will all share his last name like one big distorted family...??

renegade gaucho

I would run far away from a guy who was offended by hyphenating.

FYI, changing your name IS a lot of work, and can have a negative impact on your career if you've worked professionally under a given name for a long period of time.  Often, a desire not to change names after a divorce is due to more than laziness.

cwaggoner07

FI's dad and brother both have ex-wives who kept their married name (even after they remarried) due to careers and ease of transition. I don't think it's weird of her at all. It's her name, she can do what she wants. And so can you.
Imagine if his ex was 100% out of the picture. Would you want to hyphenate your name? You can totally do that if you really want, but it sounds like you really want to just have his last name.

HobokensFury

Trust me more than one person on this planet has the same last name so you shouldn't be worried out it.  I wouldn't hyphenate my name just to distinguish myself from the ex wife.  In the end it's your name and you should do what's going to make you happiest.

itzMS

You're going to be your FI's wife, not his ex.

What do you want your last name to be, presumably for the rest of your life?

Shanarstinar Smith
Shanarstinar Jones
Shanarstinar Smith-Jones


FWIW, I know two people who had the same last name by birth (unrelated, thankfully) who got married and subsequently divorced. Obviously, she never changed her last name. So certainly there are bigger fish to fry than sharing a last name with an ex.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_what-do-i-do-with-my-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:17e5ee79-33c2-4589-91c1-80b58133a16dPost:bff87b98-795d-4ffe-aa51-72a4017ccfa9">Re: What do I do with my last name??</a>:
[QUOTE]I would run far away from a guy who was offended by hyphenating. FYI, changing your name IS a lot of work, and can have a negative impact on your career if you've worked professionally under a given name for a long period of time.  Often, a desire not to change names after a divorce is due to more than laziness.
Posted by renegade gaucho[/QUOTE]

<div>Exactly this.</div><div>
</div><div>1) If your FI is <em>offended</em> at the idea of you hypenating your name, you should give some real thought to this marriage.  Is he going to be offended that you want to make other decisions for yourself too, or is your name the only thing he thinks he has the right to control?</div><div>
</div><div>2) His ex can do whatever she wants with her name.  It's none of your (or his) business.  When she changed her name to his, that became her name.</div><div>
</div><div>3) You can do whatever you want with your name.  Do whatever makes you comfortable, regardless of what anyone (including your FI) thinks.  It's your name.  No one else's opinion matters.  No one can tell you what you should do with your name.  What works for me, PP, your mom, your sister, etc is not what works for you.</div>

shanarstinar1925

I guess I should clarify.. he wasn't offended, but he sounded hurt, like I was suggesting that his last name alone wasn't good enough. He does say I can do what I want to (he is is no way controlling), but his opinion matters to me.  I do not think any of this is a reason to "run away", because he is an incredible man and if I ran away after ever discussion or disagreement we have, I'd be one lonely lady. And his ex is a waitress, nothing business-like to jeopardize there by changing her name...but I do see where everyone is coming from. It doesn't sound like many people on here actually know what it feels like in this situation, but it's nice to hear outside perspectives. Because y'all are right, it's just a name.

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_what-do-i-do-with-my-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:17e5ee79-33c2-4589-91c1-80b58133a16dPost:b6c54342-2fa3-46e0-be2f-a9852ed0f719">Re: What do I do with my last name??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do I do with my last name?? : <strong>I totally get this, and had wondered if it's what you meant when you said he was offended.   When I brought up the name question with my DH, his reaction was similar - his viewpoint was that he wanted us to share a last name as a family. </strong> I'd always wanted to hyphenate, but both of us had very long last names so it would have been a ridiculous hyphenation.  In the end, I took his name (which his ex had never changed).  She ended up getting married shortly before us anyway and changed her last name to her new husband's name then.  Basically, it all works out if you do what you want.  Hyphenate if you , keep your name if you want, etc.  His ex shouldn't be a part of it.
Posted by kwitherington[/QUOTE]


I was going to say, "I can't be the only one who doesn't think that's a big deal!"

I don't think his being offended is an issue. By FI was a little "offended" too, and he big reasoning was the family name thing. It's how it's been done for generations in this country, and STILL the norm, so I don't think it's weird for a guy to see this as a little bit of a rejection of him. If he was a little hurt but isn't going to force her to change it, as this seems, that's not at all an issue.

However, it's dumb not to change your name because of his ex. If she remarries or eventually changes her name, would you take his name then?

Lisa50

Hyphenation is a word.

Name changing is usually a decision (preference) women have come to a conclusion about long before getting married.  My good friends and I decided when we were 12 or 13 years old. I don't think it should matter if there's an ex-wife with his last name, if your choice is to change your name.  His past marriage(s) are just that -- past.

jennylee813

When I got divorced, I kept my ex husband's name, not because I was too lazy, or it was a lot of work, but because we felt it would be easier for the kids to still have the same last name as both parents. They're older now so it isn't a big deal. Also, as a writer, all of my published work was under that name.

When I get married next summer, I will change my name. I had thought about going back to my maiden name a couple of years ago when the kids could understand, but I didn't do it then.

CarrieAnne2012

When my best friend got married, she was so attached to her maiden name that she made it a second middle name. So that's one option. 

Also, a teacher I had in high school (yes, high school) said when he and his wife got married they both hyphenated both of their names.. so like a "hers-his" or "his-hers" way to start your own little family unit. He actually loved it, because he, his wife, and their kids were their own family and the ONLY people in the world with that name. Seriously, it was Doepner-Hove.

Ultimately, do whatever you want, as these ladies have already said, but I just thought I'd throw in a few ideas.

McRogol

Your dilemna definitely does not warrant "running away"...Glad to hear you don't think so either.  I am not really sure that I want to change my name either - and it has nothing to with professional reasons, not liking his name, nor a previous spouse.  I just happen to really like my name, and it's been my name for 34 for years.  It feels like a big decision to me, and not one I want to just flippantly decide on.  Whatever you decide, I hope you make the decision that feels right to you.  

Calypso1977

eh, its a name.  i wouldnt be bothered taht wife #1 has it.

(mainly because of laziness, it was "too much work" to get it changed back)..

she will probably  marry again at some point and take her new husband's name. so thsi is all really short term that youd be sharing the name.