Delete.

tortor09

I wanted to delete, as I got my question got answered Thank you

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_elope-now-blessingceremonyreception-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:1c3cf611-13e7-434b-882a-782c96c2d8e7Post:039ccc9f-dd5c-470c-873c-9c53357783cf">Elope Now, Blessing/Ceremony/Reception Later</a>:
[QUOTE] We also would get what you call seperation pay (pay the army pays when spouses are seperated due to deployment, etc). We planned on using a portion of this toward the celebrational ceremony.
Posted by tortor09[/QUOTE]

I can't get up in arms about your plans, but I will say your constant references to "parental units" makes me annoyed and the above quote makes me really annoyed.

HobokensFury

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_elope-now-blessingceremonyreception-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:1c3cf611-13e7-434b-882a-782c96c2d8e7Post:039ccc9f-dd5c-470c-873c-9c53357783cf">Elope Now, Blessing/Ceremony/Reception Later</a>:
[QUOTE]I know there is another bride on the boards that had a similar post. However, my situation is different and I wanted to hear what everyone had to say about this. So far I have received positive comments about our idea and very few negative comments. Background About Us: Him and I met and it was love at first sight. We've always known we wanted to get married from the get-go. He's in the Army, I'm 9 hours away. He will be deployed for 9-12 mths around March 2013.  Our Plan: We were looking to elope, to be legally married, in August or possibly December. Rather than exchange rings, we would get a small infinity tattoo to represent our marriage at this point, it's much more permanent. I have a promise ring to wear already and it looks like an engagement ring. THEN in 2014 (after his deployment and I'm done with school), we would like to have a small outdoor ceremony with a religious blessing just for our families. We would renew our vows. (I want to make it clear that everyone present will KNOW that we are already married, it will not be a big secret). We would also have a reception with an open bar that anyone would be welcome to attend.f  It would have a white dress, a couple bridesmaids, he would have a couple groomsmen. I know that those aren't really the correct terms to use since we already would be married, but I'm just trying to paint a clear picture. We would also exchange actual wedding rings at this point.  We would not have bacholor or bacholorette parties. If the girls in the party wanted to do something, I would ask that it be something like a slumber party. Rather than the traditional "go out and get drunk" route. I will not be moving to his base after we are legally married. I am still in school, and will not move where he is until I am done in 2014. If my dad wanted to give me away, just like in a traditional wedding, he could.  Also, when he comes home in May, we plan on telling both of our parents. His parents won't care, they eloped to Vegas secretly then had a celebration later. My family on the other hand, may be a little shell shocked, however I feel that they would be understanding once they know that they will be able to see us renew our vows once again and even have a reception.  I plan on paying for the entire thing myself, if the parental units wanted to pitch in, they may. I will not have a bridal shower or anything along those lines when we elope, and knowing my family... they would want to throw me one.  Our Reasons: - We are absolutely insane for each other - We know we will get married anyways - This would make us even more happier as a couple - I will be able to know whether if he is safe or not, the army lets wives know but not fiance's or girlfriends. - I will be able to handle whatever business he needs to have taken care of if he's overseas as his wife. He doesn't trust his parental units to do this (his mom sold his car during his last deployment, he wasn't happy bout that one) -<strong> We also would get what you call seperation pay (pay the army pays when spouses are seperated due to deployment, etc). We planned on using a portion of this toward the celebrational ceremony</strong>. The Cons: - Not all family members will agree to our plan in mind So I'd like to hear what everyone's input is. I need to practice answering objections to my happy ending anyways. 
Posted by tortor09[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry but that seems like a scam. Separation pay is for support while a spouse id deployed, not a way of funding a wedding.

jashleya

As long as everyone knows you're already legally married, I think it's a great idea.  Best of luck. 

MyNameIsNot

Why not just have the whole thing in August?  You have a whole year until he gets deployed.  That is plenty of time to plan a wedding, and then you get all the benefit of being a spouse while he is away.  Why would you want to wait until he comes back to celebrate and be blessed?  I expect many of your family and friends are going to be asking this question.  I mean, if you had gotten engaged last week and he got orders to deploy for 2 weeks from now, I might understand this, but you have a year.  Just have the whole deal before he leaves.    

Is it just because you need the seperation pay to pay for the party?

dori851

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_elope-now-blessingceremonyreception-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:1c3cf611-13e7-434b-882a-782c96c2d8e7Post:509d6399-d32d-42b3-9fa3-b7ee1e2a8d8d">Re: Elope Now, Blessing/Ceremony/Reception Later</a>:
[QUOTE]Why not just have the whole thing in August?  You have a whole year until he gets deployed.  That is plenty of time to plan a wedding, and then you get all the benefit of being a spouse while he is away.  Why would you want to wait until he comes back to celebrate and be blessed?  I expect many of your family and friends are going to be asking this question.  I mean, if you had gotten engaged last week and he got orders to deploy for 2 weeks from now, I might understand this, but you have a year.  Just have the whole deal before he leaves.    <strong> Is it just because you need the seperation pay to pay for the party?
</strong>Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

I am wondering the same thing.

redheadfsu

I think is morally wrong to get married for money. That demeans the institution of marriage. Other than that I don't care about you having a vow renewal. But I think it is disgusting to get married for money.

HobokensFury

I guess my PP got erased.  It's a shame that you're willing to scam the military and use their separation pay to pay for your "wedding".

monkeysip

Yeah I don't really get it either.

You could have a more "traditional" wedding (not elopement) before he's deployed if that's what you guys want.  It doesn't have to be super fancy--you can plan a nice little outdoor ceremony (or in a church if you're religious) with a little cake/punch reception, or light appetizers or whatever you can afford.  It could be a small, intimate, family affair.

Or you could wait until 2014 after you guys have saved money to have a big expensive event. 

Either way, I feel like that's a choice you have to make.  I don't have a problem with vow renewals, but I do have a problem when they're planned so far in advance like this because then they seem to be a "replacement" for a more traditional wedding.

ElleB87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_elope-now-blessingceremonyreception-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:1c3cf611-13e7-434b-882a-782c96c2d8e7Post:28210ec9-182f-4c60-8191-0f369532447f">Re: Elope Now, Blessing/Ceremony/Reception Later</a>:
[QUOTE]I think is morally wrong to get married for money. That demeans the institution of marriage. Other than that I don't care about you having a vow renewal. But I think it is disgusting to get married for money.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

I second this and I also want to add that OP, you sound incredibly immature.

Mark&Steph

So you haven't actually said the actual vows yet, but are already making plans to renew them a year or two later? That seems off to me, and I suspect it would be insulting to married couples who legitimately decide to have a real vow renewal, without the wedding elements, as PPs described. I recommend you take PPs advice and either get married (you know, with the ceremony and reception) this year or after he returns.

Gabrielle76

Then why not wait to get married until you can do it how you want to? It doesn't make sense to plan on having a vow renewal before you're actually married.  What's the point of rushing to get married?

MiksChick23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_elope-now-blessingceremonyreception-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:1c3cf611-13e7-434b-882a-782c96c2d8e7Post:b98bc71d-459b-44b0-9962-0397cb831d9b">Re: Elope Now, Blessing/Ceremony/Reception Later</a>:
[QUOTE] I would LOVE to have a traditional wedding before deployment. However <strong>4-6 months</strong> is just not enough time to plan a larger wedding especially when I am in nursing school and a FT job.
Posted by tortor09[/QUOTE]

Your OP said that he was going to be deployed in March of 2013. That is one year. Yes, wedding planning can be time consuming, but I work 60 hours a week and find the time. The actual wedding is one day. Why not plan it for a weekend in February? Then you have 11 months.

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_elope-now-blessingceremonyreception-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:1c3cf611-13e7-434b-882a-782c96c2d8e7Post:38bd675e-3ca1-41ca-9ca2-f254f5be4fbb">Re: Elope Now, Blessing/Ceremony/Reception Later</a>:
[QUOTE]You have been insulting me left and right. You have not even dared to even consider that I actually know what love is. I have been long term relatonships thinking I loved the man before but this one is definitely my last. Why? We want to spend the rest of our lives together, we are absolutely crazy about each other, we want to have kids TOGETHER 10 years down the road, we look at old couples and say "that's gonna be us one day", he makes me be a better person and be myself, we find more and more reasons every day to fall for them even more, he is perfect for me and I am perfect fo him. Also, you might be asking what sets him apart from the past guys, well no one has ever made love feel so magical as he does. I still get butterflies even after 2 years. Not a lot of people can do that. Many of my friends look at me and say "I want your guys' secret." I always say, there is no secret, when you find the right guy... You will know it. We only see each other once every 3 months, skype every night, text one another from morning until one of us passes out. This is our routine except for during deployment and the time and distance has only made us stronger and yearn to be with one another even more. We felt that a wedding would bring us much closer and I'm ready for the responsibilities of an army wife (which by the way, they say it's one of the toughest jobs in the army). P.S. Due to your insults to me believing that I was just another immature little girl who knew nothing about love. I felt reasonable to prove you wrong. I have also noted things about our future together as well. The reason why I kept the original list short and to the point was because it was not relevant at the time. Oh, and by the way, sorry about those run-on sentences and big paragraphs. I'm sure you will try to insult me about them too. This has gone on too long and off topic. I have decided I am going to do what makes me happy. I'm, going to elope and just a celebration when he gets back from deployment. No ceremony but I will ne wearing my white dress and him in his tuxedo and we will only have just our honorary man and woman (our best friends). Thank you for all of your rude insults.
Posted by tortor09[/QUOTE]

You lost me at "he makes love so magically..."

pgcp

The reason the others have been critical is because you are being so over the top flowery and glittery about how much you LOVE each other, but don't seem to be facing reality as to the details of life.  If you were to actually answer why you can't just get married next winter and have to do this over the top ridiculousness, everyone would let it go.  However, you haven't given a good answer yet.  Schooling isn't a good answer, lots and lots of people have planned weddings while in school.  Wedding planning really isn't that hard.  If it is hard and unpleasant you are doing it wrong. 

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_elope-now-blessingceremonyreception-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:1c3cf611-13e7-434b-882a-782c96c2d8e7Post:89951c75-6993-4fd3-8b9e-25f3117e3063">Re: Elope Now, Blessing/Ceremony/Reception Later</a>:
[QUOTE]I still don't get why you can do a full wedding before he deploys. You can totally plan a wedding in 4-6 months. I've known people who have done it.
Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]

<div>This.  </div><div>
</div><div>And nursing school is no excuse.  If you think nursing school is hard, actually nursing is going to blow your mind.  </div>

redheadfsu

Please answer the question about why you can't have the traditional wedding before he deploys. Remember weddings don't have to cost 20,000 - you can have a very lovely traditional wedding on a very small budget. 

The only thing I can think of is that you can't afford it now. And NEED  the separation pay to pay for the wedding. Thus I assume that neither of you are in the financial position to get married now. Money is a HUGE reason for divorce. If you can't even have a budget wedding now you are not financially stable enough to get married.

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_elope-now-blessingceremonyreception-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:1c3cf611-13e7-434b-882a-782c96c2d8e7Post:57f72784-254d-4f58-bb48-d12c883a9aec">Re: Elope Now, Blessing/Ceremony/Reception Later</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, maybe he is magical Joy. Her fiance is a wizard.
Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]

Maybe he sparkles!  My husband can't do that!

07ultraclassic

I was married to a Marine many years ago (for real .. genuinely, wedding and all.) We found out in September of 1990 that he would likely be sent off to Desert Storm (or whatever it was called back then) and planned and held a ceremony in 4 months. He was in California, I was in Washington DC, and our wedding was in a small town near Seattle, our hometown, in December. We got married because his mother was deceased, he was estranged from his father and stepmother, and I, too, wanted to be the one to be able to be notified if something were to happen to him.  It was a plus to have other benefits and allowances come with the marriage, but not something to be a 'reason' to get married, IMHO.

Getting married for money or benefits (alone) is called a 'marriage of convenience' - service members do it all the time, they hate living in the barracks, and are enticed by the allowances that come with being married. They would work out some sort of arrangement that he would pay her a monthly allowance (part of the 'extra' he'd get). The hitch came when he was shipped out, or sent for duty temporarily somewhere else .. he falls off the grid and stops making the 'payment'. There's no contract or agreement to enforce, because it's illegal as hell, and one can't initiate a divorce against someone who is not at their home duty station ... they're STUCK!

Your situation doesn't sound like this, it just reminded me that it happens, and it makes people mad.

I agree with those that ask why you don't just plan something with the time and budget you have now - if it's a courthouse ceremony and small dinner/reception, then so be it. If you want to 'renew', wait until it's a far away later date .. 5 years, or 10 years anniversary or something. You get married (and your ensuing benefits that come with it) and the risk of offending family goes away and you can focus on your schooling, which sounds very important to you at this time. I believe your parents would want you happy, and would *really* be OK if you didn't have your fancy dress up ceremony, if just being married is what you want to be.

Mentioning that you get more money by being married to someone in the military may be true, but it's rather taboo. I recommend you drop that from conversation, frankly. (Especially in this context where you stated the financial benefits will be used for your marriage celebration party - no one needs to know where your money is coming from, or you open yourself up for these very attacks.)

Good luck to you guys.

Girlie1030

Any bets she'll be back later asking about a butterly release and using rabbits in top hats as centerpieces? 

jemmini6

Honesly, I think your plan sounds fine and you are approaching it from an honest perspective (not lying to people about it, not doing pre-wedding parties, etc).  I'm not even as turned off my the separation pay comment as other posters (it IS a benefit, no point to say it's not.  The using it for the party is kind of off, but I didn't get the feeling that it was your main motivation).

However, the only part that's throwing me is the fact that you could very easily just plan the entire wedding you want within the time frame you have.  I know a lot of TV shows make it appear to be a taxing process and almost another full time job, but I assure you, it really does not have to be that involved.  It will be a little added work, for sure, but it's something that could still easily be handled with your schooling and the amount of time you have, and it seems the benefits of doing this would be worth the extra time.  You'd have all of the pros and none of the cons you listed, plus another big pro to this approach is that when he does get home from deployment, you get to focus on just being together, rather than having to plan a party.

I think you should at least seriously consider this.  After you take a practical look at what would be involved in planning the whole wedding for this year, if you still feel it's too much pressure, then I think you can move forward with your original plans, but I think you'll find that you really can do it this way, which looks to be a win/win for everyone.  Good luck!

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_elope-now-blessingceremonyreception-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:1c3cf611-13e7-434b-882a-782c96c2d8e7Post:7c6c92c7-3b38-4de8-b2a6-081823e01e9a">Re: Elope Now, Blessing/Ceremony/Reception Later</a>:
[QUOTE]Honesly, I think your plan sounds fine and you are approaching it from an honest perspective (not lying to people about it, not doing pre-wedding parties, etc).  I'm not even as turned off my the separation pay comment as other posters (it IS a benefit, no point to say it's not.  The using it for the party is kind of off, but I didn't get the feeling that it was your main motivation). However, the only part that's throwing me is the fact that you could very easily just plan the entire wedding you want within the time frame you have.  I know a lot of TV shows make it appear to be a taxing process and almost another full time job, but I assure you, it really does not have to be that involved.  It will be a little added work, for sure, but it's something that could still easily be handled with your schooling and the amount of time you have, and it seems the benefits of doing this would be worth the extra time.  You'd have all of the pros and none of the cons you listed, plus another big pro to this approach is that when he does get home from deployment, you get to focus on just being together, rather than having to plan a party. I think you should at least seriously consider this.  After you take a practical look at what would be involved in planning the whole wedding for this year, if you still feel it's too much pressure, then I think you can move forward with your original plans, but I think you'll find that you really can do it this way, which looks to be a win/win for everyone.  Good luck!
Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I agree with this.  </div><div>
</div><div>It's not so much that there is something inherently wrong with your idea, it's that it just doesn't make sense, and you are creating extra hassle and expense for no reason.  </div><div>
</div><div>Pretty much everyone in this thread has asked why you can't get married before he deploys, and you have yet to answer.  I can't imagine that your friends and family aren't going to be asking the same question.  When you won't give an answer, I suspect it is going to have a lasting effect, or at least effect how they approach the pointless event you are throwing.

</div>

jemmini6

I think the first thing you need to do is ask yourself why you want to marry him, especially before he deploys.  Love is all well and good, but have you guys discussed the 'business' end of being married?  Where you would live, how you'd divide bills/housework, if you want kids, how many, how you would raise them, how you'd handle other finances, what your goals are, etc.  These are all very important issues that can affect even the most loving of marriages and based on the discussion you had, it doesn't seem like you guys have really considered that end of it yet.

You still have plenty of time, so it's really important to figure out why you both want to marry each other, and how you'd handle married life, especially with deployments.  I highly suggest you get THIS book to help lead your discussion.

Once you are both 100% sure you are getting married for the right reasons (him not trusting you to not break up with him while he's deployed definitely is not a good reason to get married.  Quite honestly, it's a pretty big red flag that you shouldn't get married before he deploys.) and have fully discussed the important issues, then you can move forward in planning either your wedding, or the elopement. 

ElleB87

I think your FI needs to address his insecurity issues with a mental health professional before you get married. Reality is that marriage doesn't keep people together - there's divorce, infidelity, etc...

Also, what happens if (worst case senario) he is injured during his deployement and returns to the US months earlier than expected (which is a real possibility given the nature of the military)? Are you willing to put your education on hold to be there for your husband? Does he have other family to take care of him in the event of the above mentioned situation, should you choose to stay where you are? There's also a possibilty of his deployement being cut short for a variety of other reasons - what will happen then?

I don't mean to offend but since you're posting on a public forum, essentially asking for the opinions of strangers, IMHO you are both not ready for marriage.

blues28

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_elope-now-blessingceremonyreception-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:1c3cf611-13e7-434b-882a-782c96c2d8e7Post:3b8cf94b-7d17-43d4-be14-ac35abfcc829">Re: Elope Now, Blessing/Ceremony/Reception Later</a>:
[QUOTE]36 years ago, I nervously went to the church for pre-marital counseling. I was 25.  My FI couldn't come as he lived 1100 miles away.  The minister wasn't happy that he couldn't counsel us together.  He knew that we both came from difficult families. The minister looked at me and said "Are you in love with this man?" I said "I don't know."  His eyebrows shot up. I continued, "My mother was in love with both her former husbands, my sister was in love with her ex-husband, I was in love with another man and he made me miserable.  If that is love, I don't need it!" I was terrified.  I was sure he was going to say that he wouldn't marry us, but I didn't want to lie to the minister of God. He smiled.  "Wonderful!" he said.  "You sound like you are ready for marriage.  The first couples to get divorced are the ones who are absolutely sure that they are in love.  Now, tell me WHY you want to marry this man." I was shocked.  I said "He says he has loved me for nine years.  He wants to marry me and build a life together.  We want to have children and to love them.  He has a good job and a great employment future, so we can afford our plans. He is moral and trustworthy.  I am  sick and tired of the dating games.  I want peace.  I want stability.  I want respect." The minister said, "That's all I need to hear.  Let us pray." Only the ladies who have been married a long time will really understand this post.  Our love has grown and changed over 36 years.  We have grown closer than I thought possible.  It has nothing to do with "magic" or hormones.  It has to do with friendship and respect.  THIS is love.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I like this story.

</div>

MyNameIsNot

Gee, she sure did prove that she's not in high school.  :roll:

Princessvera4712

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_elope-now-blessingceremonyreception-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:1c3cf611-13e7-434b-882a-782c96c2d8e7Post:3b8cf94b-7d17-43d4-be14-ac35abfcc829">Re: Elope Now, Blessing/Ceremony/Reception Later</a>:
[QUOTE]36 years ago, I nervously went to the church for pre-marital counseling. I was 25.  My FI couldn't come as he lived 1100 miles away.  The minister wasn't happy that he couldn't counsel us together.  He knew that we both came from difficult families. The minister looked at me and said "Are you in love with this man?" I said "I don't know."  His eyebrows shot up. I continued, "My mother was in love with both her former husbands, my sister was in love with her ex-husband, I was in love with another man and he made me miserable.  If that is love, I don't need it!" I was terrified.  I was sure he was going to say that he wouldn't marry us, but I didn't want to lie to the minister of God. He smiled.  "Wonderful!" he said.  "You sound like you are ready for marriage.  The first couples to get divorced are the ones who are absolutely sure that they are in love.  Now, tell me WHY you want to marry this man." I was shocked.  I said "He says he has loved me for nine years.  He wants to marry me and build a life together.  We want to have children and to love them.  He has a good job and a great employment future, so we can afford our plans. He is moral and trustworthy.  I am  sick and tired of the dating games.  I want peace.  I want stability.  I want respect." The minister said, "That's all I need to hear.  Let us pray." Only the ladies who have been married a long time will really understand this post.  Our love has grown and changed over 36 years.  We have grown closer than I thought possible.  It has nothing to do with "magic" or hormones.  It has to do with friendship and respect.  THIS is love.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>There is just something about this post that rubs me the wrong way.    <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-undecided.gif" border="0" alt="Undecided" title="Undecided" />

</div>