Stressed out by parents

Ninanita

Hi,

FI and I got engaged last Summer and the wedding is in August. I am an immigrant and my whole familty lives overseas, but I have gone to school here, made great friends, met the one and generally like it in my new country.
My parents though hate the fact that one of their children lives in a far away country and they have only been here once, namely for my graduation. Visas and money are a non-issue, they just don't like to acknowledge that, after eight years, I ma not moving back.

Now we are getting married and from the moment we gor engaged, we could only imagine the wedding here, where we live and where we are happy. My parents are incredibly mad about this. they think that I am disrespectful of their traditions, their wishes and their feelings. Apparently it is "traditional" to have the wedding organized by the bride's parents at her birthplace. I really never though of that and it a rather unattractive idea to me.
On the other hand, may parents have successfully been guilt-tripping me an by now I am not looking forward to the wedding anymore. I have the best fiance in the world, a great venue and officiant, band,  photographer, dress, evyerthing, and I just wish my parents could stop referring to the wedding as their "loss" andfinally be happy for us.
Any advice?
NInanita

Ninanita

Hi Avion,
We had actually offered them to do a second wedding in my hometown, but they rejected the idea for two reasons: a) they knw that it would not be as good as the wedding here which we really want, b) we refuse to get married in a catholic church. FI does not have 1st communion and does not identify with the catholic church and its dogma at all.
I feel that my parents blame me for all the problems that they have had with eachother since my siblings and I moved out and my father retired. They have been fighting  because they are bored and don't know how to be together the whole day long.
After I announced my engagement and our plans to get married at our place of residence, my mother and father have accused me if causing the very same problems in their relationship which had already existed before. I can understand that they are disappointed about the wedding, but it is not fair to use me as a scapegoat!
I am these close to cancelling the ceremonie and reception, get a marriage licence and walk into City hall with two random witnesses. It would be done and over, and we'd probably experience less grief over it then we have to expect from my parent until the wedding date. FI still wants to do it, but I start either crying or venting the moment we touch the subject.

You can probably hear the crying and venting in this very post.  Argghhhh.

Ninanita

toothpastechica

Can I guess? Latino or Indian family of orgin? Sounds like your parents are just being dramatic, I can understand you wanting to find some way to please your parents, but it doesnt sound like it is going to happen. Have your wedding where you live...it makes sence, also if they are upset that you wont have it in a catholic church (can you if FI isn't catholic?), then thats wayyy beyond anything to do with you, they are having thier own issues and while it sucks they are placing you in the middle of it,  your an adult, and so are they, if they are going to be immature enough that they wont come or will make a big deal over where you have your wedding, thats thier choice, dont go out of your way to please them since it sounds like even if you do they will find something to be unhappy about. You are an adult, make your own adult decisions and live with whatever consequences there might be.

brittneyh4

I assume you and FI are paying for the wedding (or someone other than your parents?) if that's the case, I would stop wedding talk with them all together. If they ask, be vague, but clearly the conversation with them is pointless to have.

When they call to blame you for their problems (my parents did the same thing, it's disgusting), I'd brush it off. You know you aren't, as it seems. They clearly are unhappy, and that's unfortunate.

Don't cancel the plans you've made.. you seem to really love what you have so far. Don't let their snotty attitudes ruin this. I understand they want something traditional, but when it comes down to it, if that is not who you and FI are, and you are paying for it, I wouldn't go their route, either. Just send them the invite, from there it's their choice to come or not.

Ninanita

First of all, thank you for posting, it helps to hear other people's opinion.

toothpastehchica: FI is "techinically catholic', at least the catholic church claims you are if you are baptized. Our cultural backgrounds are not so different, but he was born here and his parents are immigrants. My parents probably though they would be more traditional, but since we are paying for it ourselves...
Which brings me to
brittney4h: My father offered to pay. but I don't  want a penny from him. Since I could not refuse it, I was trying to restrict his contribution to one part and I had planned on betting him involved with that one (the food). But it does not seem to work out. Indeed, I can pay for the wedding, it just means we are not going to buy certain other things this year.

RetreadBride: It is a bit tough to do that one the phone, but last week I was basically just sobbing on the phone and in the end, I said that I love them and that it would be better to stop the conversation.

I'll talk to my siblings over the next days, although I don't want them to choose sides in this, it will make things more complicated for them later on.

AurorasEnvy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_stressed-out-by-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:1e70a868-f052-409e-b5ad-37330271475ePost:a2b307a6-4bf6-4bc3-a621-3285c6f7524a">Re: Stressed out by parents</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you need to have a heart-to-heart talk with mom and dad, with your fiance beside you. "Mom and Dad, I realize that you aren't happy with all the choices that I've mad for my life. I wish YOU would realize that I'm an adult now, and that these ARE my choices to make.  Please believe that I will never love you less, or respect you less, but this is my life and these are my decisions.  I want you to come to my wedding, but if you can't accept these decisions,we'll miss you."
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
<div>
</div><div>This.  If the phone doesn't work well for you (I personally hate it), I'd write a letter or email.  That way no one can interrupt you, you won't get emotional or off track, and they can't twist your words around later.  Sorry to hear they are being difficult, but a wedding & marriage is the start of your and your FI's lives together as adults - at this point, I feel like you have to stick to your guns and do what is best for you & your FI.</div>